I think I am good. I think I am fine. "I'm pulling out" I say to myself. "I'm regaining my confidence" I pretend.
Dr. She understands: it is hard to have confidence when you can't trust it. When your confidence has betrayed you with mania.
And I procrastinate
because in actuality I am still very shaky.
Literally.
Like this morning -these days it is often hard for me to wake up, to get up, I am not entirely sure why-
but this morning I forced myself up and as I started to stretch I froze and everything went shaky
In a new way.
"I just had a seizure" says my head.
and I am not scared
but I am.
And just now as I was painting -instead of all that I planned to do-
I feel the things that have been hurting in a softer way.
Until the realization filters in... "He really never loved you." That therapist that broke me. He simply used my intensities and my feelings to protect himself from the mistakes he had made with me. I was nothing special to him, simply a rebound toy of flattery that he used to stroke his own ego.
I suppose there is some form of flattery to me in that. And I did catch on. So I am also intelligent and those things I can utilize to re-stoke the dying flame of my confidence. So I will try to focus on that as my throat knots up and tears flow again and I try to hide it from my children. I will try to remind myself of the good that I am as I grieve the loss of my faith and hope in the professionals and institution that is not what it claims to be, experts in the tragedies of head injury; my tragedies.
...
This is taking much longer than I'd like and it is still difficult but I can be proud of the progress I have made as I remind myself that slow and steady are okay.
Friday, March 20, 2020
Thursday, March 19, 2020
Finding myself again.
No doubt this blog has become my processing and venting through hard times. Times that people, mostly cannot understand, and often don't want to try, unless they have experienced similar or have family who has. As one fine person said to my dear friend Renée, "people don't get pissed until it happens to them."
And I will tell you many people would be very pissed if even half of this shit happened to them or a loved one.
...Or dead.
A lot would be dead.
It has been damn hard and I just don't think people realize how difficult it can be to bounce back when you have to fear your confidence and ups. Maybe I don't have to fear them but I have to be hyper aware, it is scary, and it causes all sorts of difficulties when you know you cannot entirely trust yourself and your positive emotions...
but then again, this is where I just may be very much ahead of most! I am at least aware of how and when I cannot trust myself, and I am aware that most, in reality, cannot be trusted. I have learned that firsthand and harsh now. I also know that regardless, trust is a choice and we have to choose to trust even at times when we don't. We have to keep getting back up and opening ourselves back up. We have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable time and time again.
and in so doing I am finding myself again.
I am very grateful for the medication that is helping me bounce back easier than I currently can without it. I am grateful for the people in my life who are still loving me and helping me. Those who are not deciding to jump on the band wagon of those powers that be that say shit about me and get away with it because they have and do hold all of the cards and they can. So I am rambling much more than I meant to and probably it is a cathartic need I am still needing as I try to ramble back to the me that is worth celebrating, loving and being.
I am finding me and being proud of who I am. Even if they are simple things. I am working on building me up. This is why I decided to take a picture of my messy craftsmanship.
One thing I can tell you about me is that I am not afraid to try things and I am not afraid of making a mess in the process.
Learning is messy.
There are no two ways about it, it is messy.
And through trial and error we learn.
We do not fail, we learn.
and I think that is something very beautiful and special about me that I care to admit right now. So I am sharing a little snapshot of how I often work.
The other day I noticed that the backsplash behind my kitchen sink needed to be to be re-grouted and/ or caulked. The fact that I knew what needed to be done and how is something I can be proud of. The back splash and granite were my choosing, the backsplash my work. I had help -that I was and am very grateful for- but ultimately it was started and finished by me and I love it.
And maybe that is just part of who I am and I am okay with that. Even proud.
Wednesday, March 18, 2020
Silver Linings
One thing I can say about all of the crazy in the world today,
is that when you have fought and conquered a crazy in your head
the stuff outside is really no big deal.
Corona will pass and people will die
because that is what happens in life, the only guarantee
maybe you and maybe me
and if it is people close I will be heart broken for sure,
if it is me I will be gone
but still we are humanity
and the only thing we really have to fear is fear it self
so all of this crazy
may shake me
literally
but my mind is not shaking
and I am hardly effected and hardly scared because
I already know how to handle life threatening crazy
:)
is that when you have fought and conquered a crazy in your head
the stuff outside is really no big deal.
Corona will pass and people will die
because that is what happens in life, the only guarantee
maybe you and maybe me
and if it is people close I will be heart broken for sure,
if it is me I will be gone
but still we are humanity
and the only thing we really have to fear is fear it self
so all of this crazy
may shake me
literally
but my mind is not shaking
and I am hardly effected and hardly scared because
I already know how to handle life threatening crazy
:)
Sunday, March 15, 2020
trying to stay ahead of dead
What to do when everyone is playing games except you?
You have to play too
if you want to make it through
...I guess
what mess.
Yesterday in conversation with my 16 year old daughter she is telling me, "if I do get married I'll know not to marry a guy like that," in reference to a "friend" that is being quite a jerk. But she tells me more, "and I couldn't marry a guy like dad either because he is too emotionally unavailable," she says.
We both love him very much, but she is correct. I think I may have said something like this to therapists before but I am fairly certain my daughter has never heard me say it. Her observation about that and other things she says tug at my heart strings. She is not saying it to be critical or complaining, it is just a matter of fact observation she is stating that she hopes to not have in her own potential marriage. And though this conversation causes mixed emotions it so very nice that somebody else sees and understands this, because it is hard and lonely often.
And that is all I have to say for today.
At least written here anyway.
Next I try to handle the fallout of things said
before going to bed
when my head
was fighting to stay ahead
of dead
...actually, at this point, I know there is nothing I can do to undo my broken moment.
If history and previous handling has taught me anything it is that it will be used against me and I knew it then and didn't care
so that is what I'll face.
You have to play too
if you want to make it through
...I guess
what mess.
Yesterday in conversation with my 16 year old daughter she is telling me, "if I do get married I'll know not to marry a guy like that," in reference to a "friend" that is being quite a jerk. But she tells me more, "and I couldn't marry a guy like dad either because he is too emotionally unavailable," she says.
We both love him very much, but she is correct. I think I may have said something like this to therapists before but I am fairly certain my daughter has never heard me say it. Her observation about that and other things she says tug at my heart strings. She is not saying it to be critical or complaining, it is just a matter of fact observation she is stating that she hopes to not have in her own potential marriage. And though this conversation causes mixed emotions it so very nice that somebody else sees and understands this, because it is hard and lonely often.
And that is all I have to say for today.
At least written here anyway.
Next I try to handle the fallout of things said
before going to bed
when my head
was fighting to stay ahead
of dead
...actually, at this point, I know there is nothing I can do to undo my broken moment.
If history and previous handling has taught me anything it is that it will be used against me and I knew it then and didn't care
so that is what I'll face.
Wednesday, March 11, 2020
the Cowardly Lion meets Yertle the Turtle.
Most people are cowards in real time real life.
Me too.
I do have the luxury of TBI so sometimes my blunt honesty and lack of fear and filter can make me appear to be very brave and bold. So much so that often people find it spitefully rewarding to knock me down a notch or humble me -At which point those advantages cease to be advantages anymore.
Really, as you can tell from this here blog, I can be pretty pathetic. And my bark is far worse than my bite. Mostly because my bark is not really a bark at all, it's mostly observation, reflection, deflection, and/or, at times, projection; not really the brave bold confidence I seem to be emanating.
Today my day has gotten away from me. I have so much to do. So many little things to try and get and keep caught up on and big things that are, frankly, terrifying.
I am easily overwhelmed.
Not a favorite trait of mine.
...and yet I am not sure that is entirely true (that I am easily overwhelmed)
Broken.
One day Dr. He said something about me thinking I was broken. I felt like he might have been implying that I was not and needed to stop believing that I was. But my inside voice (the one that only spoke inside of me) said in a matter of fact way "but I am broken," and then it confidently said something like "and I am okay with that" or "and that is okay," or maybe it was, "but that's not the problem."
And, I know, I agree with you (my imagined audience that I am now projecting interpretations onto) that line of thinking is confusing. Of course that is the problem, that is why I was there in the first place....right?
So now I am allowing myself this cowardly pleasure of psychoanalyzing myself and then taking artistic liberties in the writing out my findings; all to justify my avoidance of doing the hard stuff, like calling lawyers.... blah... and to ease my conscious for forgetting some of the important little things I meant to do today.
Broken, my thought "I am broken,” and maybe broken is not really the problem.
I knew that I was but others don't want to see or understand. In that moment I realized that I don't really mind that I am and that I would rather accept it then deny it and keep trying to work within the context of me being not broken.
That had been hard and frustrating for too much of my life. By acknowledging that I was and am broken I can then start to work realistically within the confines that I have. I am not doing myself any favors believing the Disney fantasy bullshit of "if you just believe" (to be read with sickeningly sweet, high pitched, cheery sarcasm). I can and have tried that and it does not work. It does not help me, rather it does the opposite, I find myself in heaps of trouble for believing and overly frustrated for failing so frequently. Plus so many things are contingent on other people, timing and circumstance. And, mind you, in reality we can't all be Bill Gates and Oprah. There has to be a whole lot of turtles to keep Yertle up as high as he wants to stay. (Yertle the Turtle, by Dr. Suess)
Really truly, we all have our limitations so I think it is beneficial for me to know and accept mine. That is what the PTSD seemed to be teaching me.
Dr. He was too, so really I am not sure what he was implying at that moment but maybe it was evidence of his lost objectivity with me? Maybe it was simply my projecting feelings I had felt from others or simply evidence of how my interpretation was effected by my own circumstances... Very simple situations can become very complex when we all come from such different places or when we keep inside and try to hide what and who we really are.
So I am broken.
And I have a magnificently complex brain, where the ideas flow like Iguazu Falls; which can be very difficult to manage. Choosing and letting go becomes immensely difficult when you see the potential in everything. And I think that is probably true for most people. But my brain... well, it is actually broken. Or it has been. Maybe now it is just scars but those scars prevent it from functioning in typical and more expected ways.
This is why I love neuroplasticity. It is my way around.
I am not sure why my brain struggles a little more than others to stay grounded in reality, if it is solely due to head injury or if this is more complex than that, but it does. Maybe that is not accurate but rather, maybe I am just more aware of when I am loosing touch. I don't know.
I do know the floods that flow from the emotions that are easily overloaded are not normal and I believe deep down inside that I am not really as emotional as I am. Or maybe I am not nearly as fragile as I seem to be. And yet I am...
It's totally annoying a lot, and it's kind of a TBI thing, you may understand if you have had one. ...Yet others loose feeling some emotions with TBI. It's confusing, isn't it. "If you have seen one TBI you have seen one TBI."
But still their are commonalities too.
Yep, this is avoidance. Not super productive nor lateral or logical in my organization and presentation. Just trying to feel better about being a coward in real life.
big sigh
and good bye
off I go again to try.
As my inside voice lectures "There is no try only do!"
....and poo
there is a whole lot of that too.
;)
Me too.
I do have the luxury of TBI so sometimes my blunt honesty and lack of fear and filter can make me appear to be very brave and bold. So much so that often people find it spitefully rewarding to knock me down a notch or humble me -At which point those advantages cease to be advantages anymore.
Really, as you can tell from this here blog, I can be pretty pathetic. And my bark is far worse than my bite. Mostly because my bark is not really a bark at all, it's mostly observation, reflection, deflection, and/or, at times, projection; not really the brave bold confidence I seem to be emanating.
Today my day has gotten away from me. I have so much to do. So many little things to try and get and keep caught up on and big things that are, frankly, terrifying.
I am easily overwhelmed.
Not a favorite trait of mine.
...and yet I am not sure that is entirely true (that I am easily overwhelmed)
Broken.
One day Dr. He said something about me thinking I was broken. I felt like he might have been implying that I was not and needed to stop believing that I was. But my inside voice (the one that only spoke inside of me) said in a matter of fact way "but I am broken," and then it confidently said something like "and I am okay with that" or "and that is okay," or maybe it was, "but that's not the problem."
And, I know, I agree with you (my imagined audience that I am now projecting interpretations onto) that line of thinking is confusing. Of course that is the problem, that is why I was there in the first place....right?
So now I am allowing myself this cowardly pleasure of psychoanalyzing myself and then taking artistic liberties in the writing out my findings; all to justify my avoidance of doing the hard stuff, like calling lawyers.... blah... and to ease my conscious for forgetting some of the important little things I meant to do today.
Broken, my thought "I am broken,” and maybe broken is not really the problem.
I knew that I was but others don't want to see or understand. In that moment I realized that I don't really mind that I am and that I would rather accept it then deny it and keep trying to work within the context of me being not broken.
That had been hard and frustrating for too much of my life. By acknowledging that I was and am broken I can then start to work realistically within the confines that I have. I am not doing myself any favors believing the Disney fantasy bullshit of "if you just believe" (to be read with sickeningly sweet, high pitched, cheery sarcasm). I can and have tried that and it does not work. It does not help me, rather it does the opposite, I find myself in heaps of trouble for believing and overly frustrated for failing so frequently. Plus so many things are contingent on other people, timing and circumstance. And, mind you, in reality we can't all be Bill Gates and Oprah. There has to be a whole lot of turtles to keep Yertle up as high as he wants to stay. (Yertle the Turtle, by Dr. Suess)
Really truly, we all have our limitations so I think it is beneficial for me to know and accept mine. That is what the PTSD seemed to be teaching me.
Dr. He was too, so really I am not sure what he was implying at that moment but maybe it was evidence of his lost objectivity with me? Maybe it was simply my projecting feelings I had felt from others or simply evidence of how my interpretation was effected by my own circumstances... Very simple situations can become very complex when we all come from such different places or when we keep inside and try to hide what and who we really are.
 |
| Iguazu Falls picture borrowed from here |
And I have a magnificently complex brain, where the ideas flow like Iguazu Falls; which can be very difficult to manage. Choosing and letting go becomes immensely difficult when you see the potential in everything. And I think that is probably true for most people. But my brain... well, it is actually broken. Or it has been. Maybe now it is just scars but those scars prevent it from functioning in typical and more expected ways.
This is why I love neuroplasticity. It is my way around.
I am not sure why my brain struggles a little more than others to stay grounded in reality, if it is solely due to head injury or if this is more complex than that, but it does. Maybe that is not accurate but rather, maybe I am just more aware of when I am loosing touch. I don't know.
I do know the floods that flow from the emotions that are easily overloaded are not normal and I believe deep down inside that I am not really as emotional as I am. Or maybe I am not nearly as fragile as I seem to be. And yet I am...
It's totally annoying a lot, and it's kind of a TBI thing, you may understand if you have had one. ...Yet others loose feeling some emotions with TBI. It's confusing, isn't it. "If you have seen one TBI you have seen one TBI."
But still their are commonalities too.
Yep, this is avoidance. Not super productive nor lateral or logical in my organization and presentation. Just trying to feel better about being a coward in real life.
big sigh
and good bye
off I go again to try.
As my inside voice lectures "There is no try only do!"
....and poo
there is a whole lot of that too.
;)
Monday, March 9, 2020
Heavy Heads and Heavy Hearts make for interesting bed fellows.
Sometimes I need somewhere to escape to. Sometimes I want to run away.
Too many of my people only love me when I am exactly what they need me to be, the rest of the time they simple tolerate to the best of their ability. It's partly my fault because I have a history of being what people need me to be at the expense of me. And I apologize for the burden I am when I feel they are merely tolerating.
I have to think on this one and try to discern what is healthy and realistic. What do I need to fix, what can I fix, and how do I go about it?
If I try exclusively to fix me for them, that does not work. I end up loosing me and since lost me is not really what they want or need they end up unhappy with me anyway.
I realize I need to have more confidence in me and expect to be treated better. At this point in my life I am finding that tricky.
An added challenge for me is that little detail of not being able to entirely trust my confidence. I have swung too far before.
At one point everything in my life made sense. A culminating event. I knew and understood clearly who I was and what I was supposed to do...
Well, kind of.
It was more of a tau thing where I had no idea what I was supposed to do but I knew I was precisely where I needed to be and all the mysteries of my personal universe were coming together to reveal exactly what I was set up to be and what I was supposed to do. My personal mission.............
...................
....................................................................................................... but......................................................
It was not so.
And I was denied
by my guide
that was merely an allusion of deity
...an illusion that was playing with me.
It was not real
I was not real
he was not real
my feelings were too real
and too strong
for too long.
but not real, I guess.
and now
now...............................................................................
Its all on me. all of the blame. all of the shame for his game. It's is all on me. Because I broke under the pressure. The intensity of me coupled with he - stir in some confusion from home- so often alone- and I broke under the burden of trying to be everything they all need but not for me.
-I think I am going to go to bed now.-
I broke from the heavy burden and now I am the heavy burden.
Though I still do try not to be.
but I guess that is me.
too heavy of a burden even for those who are trained to handle them...
the slippery slope
we easily slide
if we don't coincide
with the other side
of our duality.
Maybe someday I will find me.
and maybe that will mean I will have to be just me....
alone
me alone.
for now, I'm going to bed.
enjoying the luxuries that others provide for me in spite of the burden I am
and that is nice
for me
so I will take my drugs that keep my head straight and go to bed.
live to see another day
and try to get my head to stay
out of my own way
good day.
**side note. For the record, aside from the thank you card, I never once tried to contact those I am being accused of harassing for ANYTHING other then trying to understand what was going on with my head. I asked for medical and record clarification, and only things related to why I was there in first place. All attempts were within the realm of my patients rights and were attempts to clear up misunderstandings and also attempts to stand up for myself without causing harm to them. I don't think they had the same intention, to not cause harm that is.
Too many of my people only love me when I am exactly what they need me to be, the rest of the time they simple tolerate to the best of their ability. It's partly my fault because I have a history of being what people need me to be at the expense of me. And I apologize for the burden I am when I feel they are merely tolerating.
I have to think on this one and try to discern what is healthy and realistic. What do I need to fix, what can I fix, and how do I go about it?
If I try exclusively to fix me for them, that does not work. I end up loosing me and since lost me is not really what they want or need they end up unhappy with me anyway.
I realize I need to have more confidence in me and expect to be treated better. At this point in my life I am finding that tricky.
An added challenge for me is that little detail of not being able to entirely trust my confidence. I have swung too far before.
At one point everything in my life made sense. A culminating event. I knew and understood clearly who I was and what I was supposed to do...
Well, kind of.
It was more of a tau thing where I had no idea what I was supposed to do but I knew I was precisely where I needed to be and all the mysteries of my personal universe were coming together to reveal exactly what I was set up to be and what I was supposed to do. My personal mission.............
...................
....................................................................................................... but......................................................
It was not so.
And I was denied
by my guide
that was merely an allusion of deity
...an illusion that was playing with me.
It was not real
I was not real
he was not real
my feelings were too real
and too strong
for too long.
but not real, I guess.
and now
now...............................................................................
Its all on me. all of the blame. all of the shame for his game. It's is all on me. Because I broke under the pressure. The intensity of me coupled with he - stir in some confusion from home- so often alone- and I broke under the burden of trying to be everything they all need but not for me.
-I think I am going to go to bed now.-
I broke from the heavy burden and now I am the heavy burden.
Though I still do try not to be.
but I guess that is me.
too heavy of a burden even for those who are trained to handle them...
the slippery slope
we easily slide
if we don't coincide
with the other side
of our duality.
Maybe someday I will find me.
and maybe that will mean I will have to be just me....
alone
me alone.
for now, I'm going to bed.
enjoying the luxuries that others provide for me in spite of the burden I am
and that is nice
for me
so I will take my drugs that keep my head straight and go to bed.
live to see another day
and try to get my head to stay
out of my own way
good day.
**side note. For the record, aside from the thank you card, I never once tried to contact those I am being accused of harassing for ANYTHING other then trying to understand what was going on with my head. I asked for medical and record clarification, and only things related to why I was there in first place. All attempts were within the realm of my patients rights and were attempts to clear up misunderstandings and also attempts to stand up for myself without causing harm to them. I don't think they had the same intention, to not cause harm that is.
Friday, March 6, 2020
Utah's Medical Malpractice Act
It is pretty amazing to me how deeply my failure with the Neuroscience Science Institute continues to effect me.
On days that I don't have to, getting out of bed is the hardest thing in the world to do. Right now I have the added challenge of a cold (that may be a sinus infection) on top of it, but even without it I am sure struggling to feel motivated.
It's one of those struggles that I keep thinking I am out of only to find myself entirely beat down, my negative core perceptions grounded in their confirmations of my worthlessness and denials of the actual medical and physical conditions that were manifesting.
I can logically look at this and see and say that it is wrong; that they are wrong. I can see and acknowledge my accomplishment of maintaining some sanity while manic and even enduring as long as and as well as I did when I trusted them in their insanity. I can see how wrong it was and is. I know logically that I must be something special for these highly trained and degreed ego's to be power tripping on me. I try to build myself up with these recognitions and acknowledgings but at the end of (and often the beginning of) the day I feel voiceless and powerless and I still struggle to feel I am of value and to feel like anything I do will be of value. And to believe that I can actually accomplish anything at all that I set out to do...
This is not just because of the NSI, Dr. Concussion, Dr. P, Patient Advocate, and the others who are not even worth mentioning (yes, I mean that to be a slight and mean, and I am letting my jading come out) but it is also due to what they denied, misdiagnosed and negligently treated.
My head gets disorganized rather quickly. It is harder now to keep things straight. A cold lowers my cognitive stamina even more than it would have before and when my brain gets tired my emotions go. And flow, often through my eyes again. Yesterday, I hate to admit, I had less patients with my young snowboarding students, and while this does not happen very often (far less than many other instructors I know of) I feel bad about things like this. It is not who I want to be.
Then there is the manic, bipolar side of things.
And the relationship side of things.
I think that the bluntness and honesty that TBI has a tendency to bring out is similar to children and we are a bit childish in our ways. I often feel like a child and yet I can also see that some of these childish traits in an adult body and adult world can also help me to see things more clearly. Most people are childish in one way or another, and even in many ways, I'm just not sure if they recognize their own childishness. That or their ego's and pride will not allow them to admit any of their childish mistakes.
-Digression in childish psychology
back to my point-
The other day, when I had the privilege of meeting the governor, I felt happy and proud and it was a very stimulating experience, but I did not feel too high and that is so good and nice for me. I was pleased to feel that simple happy feeling that is normal. And I continue to hope that I will get stronger there.
But there is still that feeling of.... not sure how to name this emotion... probably fear is an adequate word for it.
I fear my emotions, my feelings, my intensities and I fear happy and confident, I fear those feelings of I can do this because my brain does not always know how to stay balanced through them. It can go too high and this has hurt me. ...and my family.
Add into that the tragedy and complexity of Dr. P and the NSI missing, dismissing and denying and the blend is both toxic and deep.
Now add to that the difficulty in finding help and the reality of corrupt laws, rules, and the people in power -who advertise their initiatives to help improve the quality of life for every person (real IHC adds that dagger twist in my heart every time I hear them) but that, in reality, really don't care. At least they don't really care for me, thus perpetuating the "you don't count, and you are worthless" messages- and it is not surprising that anyone in my situation would have a hard time getting up in the morning.
My sweet friend -whose abuser walks free, having suffered no legal or criminal consequences, despite his serious sociopathic manipulations, abuses and even obvious intent to take her life- pointed out, the laws in their effort to be "innocent until proven guilty" are now written and easily used to protect the guilty.
In the Utah Malpractice Act it points out that "provider's practicing defensive medicine because he views a patient as a potential adversary in a lawsuit" increases health care costs, but the Act only addresses and places more requirements and demands on the patient, or family of a patient, who wishes to address malpractice. It limits a patients ability to seek restitution and the amount of damages they can expect to recover and it makes it immensely more difficult for patients to file malpractice complaints and/or lawsuits.
Yet it does not address the issue of practitioners practicing defensive medicine at all.
Our belief in humanity may lead us to believe that the practitioners and medical providers would then stop practicing defensive medicine knowing that they are highly unlikely to face a lawsuit.
But sadly that has not happened.
Still, as I write, the standard of practice with medical providers is to practice defensive medicine if they make a mistake. This was made painfully clear in my situation and I have heard this is accurate from so many people on all sides of the industry; i.e. lawyers, doctors, nurses, patients, other medical workers, family members of patients, therapists that deal with the adverse effects this has on patients, therapists that have worked for companies like IHC.
Thus the result of laws and rules like this malpractice act equate to an increased burden, shaming, physical and psychological stress and re-victimizing of victims of malpractice while protecting the perpetrators. Wherein they may not have initially been intentional "perpetrators" they become perpetrators in their practicing defensive, negligent, and fraudulent medicine in an effort to "avoid a lawsuit" that is highly unlikely in the first place, even less likely they would acknowledge their mistake and treat appropriately and furthermore highly unlikely due to the laws being staked in their favor. It then causes superfluous harm and increased suffering for the patient and their family.
Their defensive medicine becomes nothing more than egotistical abuses of power that they are protected in.
“For the world is in a bad state, but everything will become still worse unless each of us does his best.”
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning
...and what is most silly to me is I am still having this occasional conversation with myself "I'm not going to die, and I don't really want to die.... do I?"
Today I actually audibly said those words to myself in response to my debate on whether to see the doctor or not about this cold that is kicking mybutt head and is moving down into my lungs.
A couple of times this last week I have wondered why I am doing things to try and get better from it. I could just let it get worse...
Even though I have been through suicidal phases I have never, ever had thoughts like that... that's new...
And I also know I am not likely to die from this, even if I do let it get worse so I think I'd rather get better and enjoy a better quality of life for my efforts.
...more confessions of the deep and warped psychology of me that I am still facing and trying to undo.
On days that I don't have to, getting out of bed is the hardest thing in the world to do. Right now I have the added challenge of a cold (that may be a sinus infection) on top of it, but even without it I am sure struggling to feel motivated.
It's one of those struggles that I keep thinking I am out of only to find myself entirely beat down, my negative core perceptions grounded in their confirmations of my worthlessness and denials of the actual medical and physical conditions that were manifesting.
I can logically look at this and see and say that it is wrong; that they are wrong. I can see and acknowledge my accomplishment of maintaining some sanity while manic and even enduring as long as and as well as I did when I trusted them in their insanity. I can see how wrong it was and is. I know logically that I must be something special for these highly trained and degreed ego's to be power tripping on me. I try to build myself up with these recognitions and acknowledgings but at the end of (and often the beginning of) the day I feel voiceless and powerless and I still struggle to feel I am of value and to feel like anything I do will be of value. And to believe that I can actually accomplish anything at all that I set out to do...
This is not just because of the NSI, Dr. Concussion, Dr. P, Patient Advocate, and the others who are not even worth mentioning (yes, I mean that to be a slight and mean, and I am letting my jading come out) but it is also due to what they denied, misdiagnosed and negligently treated.
My head gets disorganized rather quickly. It is harder now to keep things straight. A cold lowers my cognitive stamina even more than it would have before and when my brain gets tired my emotions go. And flow, often through my eyes again. Yesterday, I hate to admit, I had less patients with my young snowboarding students, and while this does not happen very often (far less than many other instructors I know of) I feel bad about things like this. It is not who I want to be.
Then there is the manic, bipolar side of things.
And the relationship side of things.
I think that the bluntness and honesty that TBI has a tendency to bring out is similar to children and we are a bit childish in our ways. I often feel like a child and yet I can also see that some of these childish traits in an adult body and adult world can also help me to see things more clearly. Most people are childish in one way or another, and even in many ways, I'm just not sure if they recognize their own childishness. That or their ego's and pride will not allow them to admit any of their childish mistakes.
-Digression in childish psychology
back to my point-
The other day, when I had the privilege of meeting the governor, I felt happy and proud and it was a very stimulating experience, but I did not feel too high and that is so good and nice for me. I was pleased to feel that simple happy feeling that is normal. And I continue to hope that I will get stronger there.
But there is still that feeling of.... not sure how to name this emotion... probably fear is an adequate word for it.
I fear my emotions, my feelings, my intensities and I fear happy and confident, I fear those feelings of I can do this because my brain does not always know how to stay balanced through them. It can go too high and this has hurt me. ...and my family.
Add into that the tragedy and complexity of Dr. P and the NSI missing, dismissing and denying and the blend is both toxic and deep.
Now add to that the difficulty in finding help and the reality of corrupt laws, rules, and the people in power -who advertise their initiatives to help improve the quality of life for every person (real IHC adds that dagger twist in my heart every time I hear them) but that, in reality, really don't care. At least they don't really care for me, thus perpetuating the "you don't count, and you are worthless" messages- and it is not surprising that anyone in my situation would have a hard time getting up in the morning.
My sweet friend -whose abuser walks free, having suffered no legal or criminal consequences, despite his serious sociopathic manipulations, abuses and even obvious intent to take her life- pointed out, the laws in their effort to be "innocent until proven guilty" are now written and easily used to protect the guilty.
In the Utah Malpractice Act it points out that "provider's practicing defensive medicine because he views a patient as a potential adversary in a lawsuit" increases health care costs, but the Act only addresses and places more requirements and demands on the patient, or family of a patient, who wishes to address malpractice. It limits a patients ability to seek restitution and the amount of damages they can expect to recover and it makes it immensely more difficult for patients to file malpractice complaints and/or lawsuits.
Yet it does not address the issue of practitioners practicing defensive medicine at all.
Our belief in humanity may lead us to believe that the practitioners and medical providers would then stop practicing defensive medicine knowing that they are highly unlikely to face a lawsuit.
But sadly that has not happened.
Still, as I write, the standard of practice with medical providers is to practice defensive medicine if they make a mistake. This was made painfully clear in my situation and I have heard this is accurate from so many people on all sides of the industry; i.e. lawyers, doctors, nurses, patients, other medical workers, family members of patients, therapists that deal with the adverse effects this has on patients, therapists that have worked for companies like IHC.
Thus the result of laws and rules like this malpractice act equate to an increased burden, shaming, physical and psychological stress and re-victimizing of victims of malpractice while protecting the perpetrators. Wherein they may not have initially been intentional "perpetrators" they become perpetrators in their practicing defensive, negligent, and fraudulent medicine in an effort to "avoid a lawsuit" that is highly unlikely in the first place, even less likely they would acknowledge their mistake and treat appropriately and furthermore highly unlikely due to the laws being staked in their favor. It then causes superfluous harm and increased suffering for the patient and their family.
Their defensive medicine becomes nothing more than egotistical abuses of power that they are protected in.
“For the world is in a bad state, but everything will become still worse unless each of us does his best.”
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning
...and what is most silly to me is I am still having this occasional conversation with myself "I'm not going to die, and I don't really want to die.... do I?"
Today I actually audibly said those words to myself in response to my debate on whether to see the doctor or not about this cold that is kicking my
A couple of times this last week I have wondered why I am doing things to try and get better from it. I could just let it get worse...
Even though I have been through suicidal phases I have never, ever had thoughts like that... that's new...
And I also know I am not likely to die from this, even if I do let it get worse so I think I'd rather get better and enjoy a better quality of life for my efforts.
...more confessions of the deep and warped psychology of me that I am still facing and trying to undo.
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