out with old in with the new... over and over and over and over... again

Though December was OK, I think, once again, I thought I was doing better then I really was... though no shrimp in the closest. definitely on the high side of moods.

Christmas snuck up on me and was hard.

I found myself abandoning my in-laws a few times (in the three days we were there) just to wonder into the red rock.

Christmas day was melancholy for me. I went to find batteries and just couldn't head directly back and found myself driving aimlessly in the direction of the most uninhabited red rocks in the vicinity. I found a beautiful area with a canyon that was just a bit of a walk from the road. I had to hop a fence to get there. I tore my pants going between the barbed wire, then headed to to the hills...

I stayed for what ended up being a few hours. I found a nice little secluded canyon where I stayed talking to people who weren't there, God and Jason, the mountain and myself... I didn't feel that anyone but the mountain was around to listen. I felt as if Jason was aware of me but not close... it was OK though. Sometimes we need alone time.

I found a beautiful picturesque piece of sandstone with rough circles of different beautiful colors. Though I knew this was it's home it seemed so overlooked and unappreciated in it's surroundings so I accepted it as a gift from the mountains and/or higher powers.

I struggled. feeling flat, dull and boring for a couple of weeks. Realizing that I have been floating off into outer space and embarrassing myself many many times this past year.

I started having dreams about my decieced brother that were vague and distant (though it is still always nice to see him).

In one dream, probably the only one that I remember any detail about, he was alive. It was the past, before he had gone. We (his family) were all unsure what to do, what we could say, how we could stop what we knew was coming and yet hoping that by not mentioning it we could somehow do something to change the outcome... It was heartbreaking.



Since then I feel like I have finally woken up (though that has been much longer then just the past year). I feel grounded. It is nice to feel like I am part of the world and not like I am watching life and the world from the other side of the glass.
I am on a mood stabilizer now and it has just been within the last few weeks that I have increased to an amount that would make any significant difference. I hope that this will help me stay grounded a little... no, a lot, better.
Though it was filled with many grand adventures, I am glad that the past year is over. I am not a hundred percent sure where I am at in the grieving process, maybe a bit in denial, or maybe I am just accepting of it/about it. I am really not sure... Either way, they can both be productive coping strategies. I am sad, I might be a tad angry, and it is bizarre, but I am done with living to die. I am ready to live to live. I don't want to be worried all the time about how fragile life is and consumed with thoughts of the after life and what it may look like. I want to live today for today, for myself and whom ever may cross my path that day. I want to live for the adventures and enjoy all of them, big or small.

I hope that I may stay here a while... though one really can not know where life will take them...

And though I have likely been here before it all seems new... I suppose that is a bonus, it keeps life interesting if the same old things always seem new.

Cosmic Realms

Here's the thing...
Sometimes I float off into outer space
(you might call me a space cadet)
and when I return back to earth I am often embarrassed...
I have been going back and forth for awhile now...
Sometimes I am not sure who is feeding whose insanity.
I hope that people will not take this personally,
what ever that may mean.

I am finding the ground again.
I hope I will stay here awhile.

I am tired of living to die.
I am alive,
and that is where I want to be,
in the here and now.

Merry Christmas

I am dynamite.
I am glad that I am somewhat intelligent.
I am glad that I was raised with very well defined and high set standards and values.
I realize more and more how lucky I am.
I am glad that my intelligence, values, standards, and expectations of others helped me to not act on so much of the insanity in my head.
I am glad that I always somehow had an sanity chip that somehow managed to hold the chaos together, even if it was a very small chip.
I am glad my sanity chip never broke... (completely)
I am glad that there are "engineers" who have helped my chip function better and helped to sort out the chaos.
I am glad that I was not just let go but that one man, an officer of the law "over-reacted" to my warped sense of humor.
I am glad for my family and friends. That I have people who relate. That I have people who don't always relate but are patient with me.
I am glad for Christmas and the reason for it.
I am glad for a God that has given me a beautifully bizarre and complicated life... Otherwise I'd probably be bored, and likely quite destructive.
I am glad that I can see this and appreciate it.
I expect miracles
and sometimes I get them.
Life is good, friends are good, family is wonderful and I am happy.

It's just me

Sometimes things people say and do get me thinking. Sometimes things I say and do get me thinking... But I'm pretty much always thinking so maybe it would be better said that they can direct my thinking.
Sometimes I say and joke about being "crazy." I am rather open about my mental health issue's these days and maybe I need to be more careful. Though I'd like people to just see it for what it is, accept it, embrace me for who I am, and then laugh with me about it, I realize we still have a long way to go before things of this nature are understood well enough to reach my ideals.

So I've been thinking about what I am and how to explain it to people that I may have frightened so that they understand.

Before I was so keenly aware of what a "mental" brain potentially looks like I'd say I was most certainly at risk of many "mental" things. Such is the case with everyone you meet, you really don't know what's going on in someones head, possibly even your own.

In my head there was a lot of noise. That may be the best way to explain it.
I would have racing thoughts and I would have flashing thoughts. I once went to a concert where they had a video playing that was basically flashing different images, only staying on them long enough to know that they were there. I liked that I could point out to my husband "that is what it is often like inside my head, images flashing almost constantly."
Fortunately for me I am a very logical analytical and practical person. Unfortunately for me just about everything I see and learn sticks around somewhere in my head even if I can't utilize it productively. Which I usually can't do in this state because there is too much going on and it takes all my energy just trying to sort through the excess amounts of crap floating, whizzing and crashing into each other freely inside that little head of mine. But all the imaginative things I have been subjected to and all of the logical things I have been subjected to in addition to spiritual, religious, social, etc, are each formulating an argument, analyzing and trying to process all things I encounter, seen and unseen. I remember in high school thinking I had a small sanity chip that somehow held all the chaos together keeping it from destroying me.

Now maybe all this noise is what cases my anxiety issues but there are times, even now when my mind is not so out of control that I can feel that "anxiety" just right below the surface. The best way that I can explain this is something like endorphins rushing up in response, or random, to events that do not merit such a response. Anxiety can also be excessive nervousness or worry, but maybe it is these responses that case me to worry and be nervous.

Then I can get stuck in ruminating thoughts. I think that might better fit me over the term obsessive. But ruminating thoughts that last for days, weeks, months and even years may have then turned into an obsession... but then again I am not sure. All I know is the old cliche "just get over it" somehow does not magically work when one is sincerely stuck in genuine rumination. Rather it just adds another element to the rumination and helps the ruminater despise them self or whatever they may be ruminating over because they aren't "just getting over it".

Then there is the issue of ups and downs. Highs and lows. This is the most interesting, most fun and most awful of all. There are times when I didn't "suffer" so much from these "episodes." It is possible that all that noise is the cause of these. The possibility being that one side of my brain wins an argument causing an upward swing but then the other side fights again and wins causing a down all the while the "real" me, somewhere in there, gets a chance now and again and I get to experience level. That's an idea but the ups and down seem present even with medication though not as severe. It is also possible that they follow a hormonal cycle as they are quite regular. I am not sure about this "instability" at all but I do know that I like it to be less extreme since floating off to euphoric plains, though fun, can be dangerous and sinking down to the hell that is within me is not fun and takes every ounce of strength to fight. As early as high school I remember being afraid to be too happy because I knew what it would be followed by.

These things are not so frightening to the outside perspective and apparently easily hidden, intentional or not. They are not so dangerous in early stages. Had I not been made aware and had I not started to look into some of the suggestions that were made to me then I'd still be accepting them as part of who I am and I'd still be headed down that slippery dangerous slope to "insanity."

But I am not yet insane and I don't think I'm even on the path anymore as I have done much to understand these issue's and amazingly medication gets rid of most of it.
The noise is gone, likely focused into one voice that is my own. The flashing thoughts are a distant memory. Though I may think about things a great deal, my thoughts are progressive and if they are not productive or become undesirable I can change them or be rid of them. At times it may require some effort but it's possible. The anxiety seems to come in forms that, to me, seem what they are intended to be for, to help keep me in line when I might be heading off. An example: at the store I want to buy something that we really don't need, anxiety about finances will keep me in line so that I am not buying excessive amounts of toys and crap that we really don't need.
As for the ups and downs, currently they are still present though much less severe. We (being my doctor and I) are working on those because I'd like to be more level. I'd like to be a bit farther from the edge. In addition, when one thing is slipping it is quite possible the others will be following.

So this is a long entry but I'd like my friends to be at peace with my "crazy." I hope that they can accept me and know that they can trust me.

Tis' the Season

I am hopeful and happy this morning. I feel quite "normal." I am thinking that medication just might be keeping up with me enough and will likely just get better.
My highs aren't so high, my lows aren't so low (or long) and God does help me to pull out of it quickly when I turn my heart over to Him(again and again). This is a good sign and I am more patient and so much more often the mom (and person) I want to be.

Of course it is early in the day so we will see when those hours roll around that are often so unbearable (usually around two or three pm). But I slept fine last night, I don't feel so euphoric and I even feel like eating yet not looking to eat just for a burst of energy or something satisfying.

I remember the words of a dear old friend who once reminded me that sometimes the benefits of medication far out weigh the side effects. It still took me a couple of years and some progressively harder times to heed his advice but now that phrase runs through my mind often and I am grateful because really it is so much nicer here, for me, my family and I am sure others.

I am grateful and Thank you friend.

I wrote this yesterday and I hope you will (or have) read the other blog I wrote in the morning of yesterday. This would be the evening me.

Today I went from somewhat euphoric to plain and uninterested and I am about as boring as any mortal could be. But for me it is not that boring because I rarely get to spend much time here.

This also is the time I turn on people, as my affections fade into nothing but being human and I am not always a great human. And so often all the feelings that I so freely share and so passionately feel are gone and I am left just feeling human. I am sure this is quite normal. But I really don't spend too much time here, feeling like this, this is when I just live and do. But though I always think it won't and I am always certain I have it beat, the next phase will be down, down, down and I'll be battling my worthless pathetic self that has somehow, once again, suckered me out of the good traits/aspects of me.
I am sooo, so much better then I used to be and really the cycles are at a much more manageable level and maybe I really will avoid the low this time but we'll see. Sometimes it is good to expect it because then I can remember I'll be up again pretty soon. It is getting better. though I do wish I wouldn't bounce between heaven, hell and mortality so much. It gets exhausting and I am not sure how much more my little body can take of this. One day at time.

That was yesterday.

And then tonight I've found myself down again. battling my worthless pathetic self. Confused once again by everything and not sure why nothing is working to pull me out of this.
I don't feel like laughing. Things are bothersome and my patience is short, and the tears come easily as I am overwhelmed by everything surrounding me and inside of me. I am sure that I am just a silly little girl but then why and where has all that conviction, passion, and confidence gone.
Here I am often sure that I am stupid and I have made all kinds of terrible mistakes. Here my best is obviously not good enough as everything I ever attempt is a failed attempt and a ridiculous idea in the first place. Here it is hard to know who the me (or anything for that matter) is that I am supposed to remain true to. Here I am not happy and I feel irritated.
I often wonder if I have fallen prey to the devil, though God is not quick to save me when I try to turn my heart over to Him (which is something I do regularly). I suppose that could be and suggest further evidence that there is a chemical and physiological issue here, as I am not willing to to give up on my belief in God. I see no point in that and truly it is an even more depressing thought.

This is also a very forgetful place as well where it is very easy to lose sight of many things... But now I can look back and remember, mostly because I have it documented now, or at least see that I have been through this before and with faith I can feel confident that I can come out of it again.
I still have some fight left in me yet and I will not go down without a fight.

Oh how lovely life is...

I will not be defeated! (there I feel a bit better already...)

ups and thanksgiving

I thought I might write.
I have been waking up a lot in the nights lately. Not as tired in the day. Not seeming to need as much sleep and even more productive.

I know what this can mean.

It does seem different in that when I am awake my mind is not completely stuck ruminating and obsessing on the same subject but rather wanders some what freely, contently contemplating some of the more interesting points of my life, while I lay relaxed and not much bothered by the fact that I am not asleep. I usually fall back to sleep, though I've been waking up easily an hour earlier on my own where I usually struggle to get up with the aid of the despised alarm.

I am happy in the day and I realize this could just be an "up". But I have yet to come crashing down. And over all I am calm and patient.

Though I do have my moments where I come down a bit or I feel the waive of chemistry that makes me shaky or a bit nervous, I am hoping that this cycle will become a bit more regular in my life.
I am hoping that the new medication that I am slowly, slowly introducing is keeping up with the excitement of life that we are currently experiencing. (it is a mood stabilizer)

I think I don't want to push it though, and I don't feel quite ready to tackle some of the bigger tasks at hand. Specifically writing about my brother, for the wise mantis, the rest of my family and hopefully the world.

I hope it will last. It seems a bit different.

Whether it be medication, interactions, lessons learned or a combination of it all, I am grateful.

and I thought I might share.