I wrote this yesterday and I hope you will (or have) read the other blog I wrote in the morning of yesterday. This would be the evening me.

Today I went from somewhat euphoric to plain and uninterested and I am about as boring as any mortal could be. But for me it is not that boring because I rarely get to spend much time here.

This also is the time I turn on people, as my affections fade into nothing but being human and I am not always a great human. And so often all the feelings that I so freely share and so passionately feel are gone and I am left just feeling human. I am sure this is quite normal. But I really don't spend too much time here, feeling like this, this is when I just live and do. But though I always think it won't and I am always certain I have it beat, the next phase will be down, down, down and I'll be battling my worthless pathetic self that has somehow, once again, suckered me out of the good traits/aspects of me.
I am sooo, so much better then I used to be and really the cycles are at a much more manageable level and maybe I really will avoid the low this time but we'll see. Sometimes it is good to expect it because then I can remember I'll be up again pretty soon. It is getting better. though I do wish I wouldn't bounce between heaven, hell and mortality so much. It gets exhausting and I am not sure how much more my little body can take of this. One day at time.

That was yesterday.

And then tonight I've found myself down again. battling my worthless pathetic self. Confused once again by everything and not sure why nothing is working to pull me out of this.
I don't feel like laughing. Things are bothersome and my patience is short, and the tears come easily as I am overwhelmed by everything surrounding me and inside of me. I am sure that I am just a silly little girl but then why and where has all that conviction, passion, and confidence gone.
Here I am often sure that I am stupid and I have made all kinds of terrible mistakes. Here my best is obviously not good enough as everything I ever attempt is a failed attempt and a ridiculous idea in the first place. Here it is hard to know who the me (or anything for that matter) is that I am supposed to remain true to. Here I am not happy and I feel irritated.
I often wonder if I have fallen prey to the devil, though God is not quick to save me when I try to turn my heart over to Him (which is something I do regularly). I suppose that could be and suggest further evidence that there is a chemical and physiological issue here, as I am not willing to to give up on my belief in God. I see no point in that and truly it is an even more depressing thought.

This is also a very forgetful place as well where it is very easy to lose sight of many things... But now I can look back and remember, mostly because I have it documented now, or at least see that I have been through this before and with faith I can feel confident that I can come out of it again.
I still have some fight left in me yet and I will not go down without a fight.

Oh how lovely life is...

I will not be defeated! (there I feel a bit better already...)