Finding my ground.

 It's starting to come together, all of the evidence, lined up with all of the stories being told that don't quite line up. 

And I am feeling good about that. Feeling good about what I am doing and why. Connecting with Renee's inspiration for me for the day:

...but as I work the sneaky devil still connives and I am aware that his hooks planted so deeply inside inside still tear at me just a little. 

It feels a bit like push back of previous phases in the medication balancing act. I feel it in the regions that ignite and excite and I am shocked that there is still some semblance of him associating with the igniting. 

So strange. Humans. Psychology. Chemistry. all of it so very strange. 

But I am also excited to see so much progress and to know how much better I am

Because I did NOT give up and I do not give in when the imbalance of powers are crushing me to maintain and increase their own imbalance. 

 Feeling very subjugated and slot-rattled. 

And I just want to scream at those records: ITS NOT ABOUT HOW THINGS ENDED WITH J F*ING P IT'S ABOUT HOW MY BODY RESPONDED 

ITS ABOUT TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH MY BRAIN AND WHY!

ITS ABOUT GETTING APPROPRIATE HELP AND CARE

with something I continued to NOT be allowed to talk about or address... with those who could actually help me figure it out. Because talking it out with others and trying to do all they told me to as far as going elsewhere was getting me nowhere and worse. They needed to correct their mistakes so that others knew how to help me correctly. 

subjugated and slot-rattled in so many ways. 

That was my buried story. 

and that is my dominant story

that they reinforce and dictate with gas powered lanterns and iron-clad fists 

cold calling

 Money and power

those are what win 

and those are the people we listen too

No right and wrong

no standing up for whats right

no defending and protecting 

even your friends.

Money and power

that is who we trust 

and that is who defend .

There are no impartial panels or juries or individuals

We are all partial to

a title

money

power

and ego

and for it

we all lose

at least 

those of us who do not process

the appropriate amounts of 

money and power.

We even lose to ourselves 

as our own financial peers

and even lower rankings

whose job it is

will only "investigate" 

those who transgress 

if they do not possess

the appropriate amount of 

money and power.

Turning a blind eye

to the high

ranking 

titles,

individuals,

and institutions.

Claiming we are

"protecting our interests"

we abandon

our friends

our truths

and our values

as we talk about the atrocities

of other cities.

And then to top it all off

we are expected to graciously thank

for taking the time to so thoughtfully reject us

and making us wrong for asking at all.

Oh thank you

you noble 

deceiver of self

Quote for the day

“If I focused on the portrait of the family I wanted to be, I could pretend the bad parts weren’t real; like this life was a temporary state of being, not a new existence,” Land wrote.

Heartbreaking Netflix Series 'Maid' Based on True Story of Single Mom Stephanie Land (today.com) 

my disagreeable position

"We disagree with your position," says the attorney who is refusing to provide records which means when I do take this to court I will have to go through the process of getting a court ordered subpoena. 

Whatever. I figured as much but I had to try and I wanted to test the sincerity of her "look forward to working with you," statement. 

But "We disagree with your position." Really?

And I just have to reply:

"Yeah, so do I, which is why am filing a suit at all."  

In other words

Yes, I also disagree with my position which is the position this attorney's clients have put me in and precisely why I am pursuing this course of action at all. 

Persistence

“That which we persist in doing becomes easier,
not that the nature of the task has changed,
but our ability to do has increased.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Discovery

 So if you ever have the misfortune of going through any legal proceedings you will learn about "the discovery process." 

And that there, I believe, might be the real reason people hire attorneys -because finding out just how badly people really have been lying about you and treating you is genuinely painful and frustrating. Especially when you are in a situation like mine and the ONLY reason you are taking the legal route is because of how truly terribly things have been handled against you that creates the daunting weight of responsibility and obligation to protect others and humanity from these kinds of pointless abuses. The burden of reporting, speaking out, and standing up for what is right can weigh on you with suffocating pressure. 

When turning a blind eye and giving the benefit of the doubt is no longer an option because of how frequently and unjustly you have been abused by systems and people in positions of power, trust, and responsibility, when you have learned just how truly terrible these systems are treating not just you but others who have it so much worse than you, then you will know just how painful the discovery process can be. 

But fortunately for me I am much stronger and my emotional resiliance is ever increasing as I take the punches and resist the urge to throw deserved blows back when I am encircled by bullies and there henchmen. 

Yes, we all have our breaking point, But I already know mine and I know it's pretty damn high. It takes A LOT to break me. 

And here is the thing those warped narcissists, that keep throwing punches and low blows at people, need to understand; The target of their abuses will eventually reach a level of strength and stature that they will never be capable of achieving and then they will not stand a chance when it comes to throwing blows at you or anyone you choose to protect from them.  

Of course that is only true if they don't succeed in completely destroying you, but that leaves your blood all over their hands. 

And they will eventually be held accountable for it, in this life or the next. 

“That which we persist in doing becomes easier,
not that the nature of the task has changed,
but our ability to do has increased.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

(and just to be clear to any attorneys looking to use this blog against me this blog entry is referencing USU and Cache County Prosecutor's Office)