New Starts

Three for three.
I love my new team!
Maybe I need to be careful not to be too excited about the new neurologist, but my husband and I were both quite pleased with her after my first appointment with her yesterday.
This is the second neurologist, the first was not the right fit, but they had told me from the start that he did not deal with head injuries. However, since he would see me for the tremors and I could get into him and get some testing done before the end of the calendar year in which we had already met our out of pocket max, it was worth getting into him.
This definitely seemed to prove true since the testing provided the new neurologist with important information right off the bat. She saw right away how my TBI's contributed to the mess of discernment I was in with the Neuroscience Institute. She understood how it would have/could have effected things and she understood how vulnerable I was and even still am considering "all that you have been through."
Huge sigh of relief.
I feel as if I can stop holding my breath so much and burdens are again feeling lifted. I am starting to really feel liberated from the artificial (and manic fed) connections.
I can do this.
Knowledge is power and so is appropriate diagnosis and medical care.
Thank you to my new providers who are actually concerned about my health and safety.
While I am feeling more renewed and positive I know for many people times are strange and scary with all this Coronavirus stuff so this is my reminder that there is still so much to look forward to and here are pictures to celebrate looking forward to new starts and new horizons. 💝

Eddies of Disproportionate Sizes

....I'm just not brave anymore...
I am just not finding the courage to keep putting myself out there.
...
I want to be brave
I tell myself that I am
that I can do it
that it does not matter, the criticism and/or if it has the impact I want it to or not, as longing as I am making an effort to have a positive impact on the world...
but I just cannot bring myself to put myself out there.
I think more than anything I am tired of feeling the sting of rejection from those that I value.
It may be, as Dr. She has pointed out, that I have surrounded myself with people that see me as second class, and/or people I have made myself second a class citizen to, and people that confirm the negative core beliefs I have about myself and therefore I am doomed to failure because my social support system is not actually a support system at all but rather the opposite, a group of look-at-me-ers, that rely on my sidekick status to make themselves shine... SO they cannot and will not support if their is a threat of me, the second class, outshining them...
and as I am writing out my lack of bravery, I am seeing this and that is sadly true of many people I have loved and valued highly...
Not all, but a damaging amount...
which makes it even harder to combat with the bravery of putting myself out there when I know my message will only spread with the help a network...
...I suppose it is really not surprising that I am not brave... but it is annoying to me.
The problem is the solution and the solution is the problem...
So maybe I start here, on my insignificant blog that is also fading into obsoleteness for the very same reasons...
Processing my apprehension with:
TNT
PP Packs
and Crapsules
Teens Need Travel was a project we had started prior to the car accident that messed my head up and broke my brain even more than it was. The ultimate goal of TNT was to create a nonprofit organization that would be for teens and run by teens. An organization that would help them fund their own travel experience through community oriented fundraising. It was a big idea that covered a whole lot of needs for teens that are all too often overlooked. Teens are often undervalued and not given opportunities to actually work for and toward a goal that is focused on developing themselves. Developmentally teens need to be focused on themselves and developing themselves but many of the organizations and extracurriculars that are set up to supposedly help with this, focus too much on massively overwhelming or for show humanitarian efforts that are often not developmentally appropriate (thus they have the tendency to feed some unhealthy egocentric or superiority complexes) or they are too competitive and/or expensive and out of reach for most kids. Teens these days also lack real world experiences that provide opportunities for application of their knowledge and skills and the schools are falling very short on providing this... So the development of such an organization could fill a lot of gaps and holes in the needs of maturing teens that we expect to become valuable contributors to our communities and societies. My dreams for this organization included setting up a system where volunteer hours and fundraising could be cashed in toward an enriching cross-cultural travel experience or scholarship credits that they could use toward higher education.
Although the support and interest we had for the idea was definitely positive, when it came right down to it, the reality is that this complex multi-layered dream is too far out of my league. I am not qualified nor am I well enough connected to pull it off. I am also not financially independent/ wealthy enough to pull it off.
...It breaks my heart and I want to keep holding onto the dream. I want to grassroots or sell the idea to someone who can pull it off. Actually, I'd happily give it away if someone else can pull it off because it is not for me and it is not supposed to be about me. It is for others that I want this to be successful.
So then we have the PP packs, short for Primitive Potty Packs. It was a community oriented fundraiser that we started but went south along with everything else after the car accident and we (my kids and I) lost serious confidence with the drop off of friends that had started with us.
 One of those that stung the most, we should not have invited to join, because they the mom (who I had valued highly and considered a good friend) had already decided she did not like me for whatever reason. However, her son was enthusiastic about it and had the experience and the type of personality that could literally pull the whole thing off singlehanded if he felt so inclined. But mom tainted the well, which broke me and my kids again... though I did not want to admit it and for awhile still made some effort.
PP packs. This idea came after the car accident. I was fragile for many reasons and especially sensitive to rejection so this seemed to be a good, scaled way back, grassroots way to do something meaningful and attempt to reignite TNT. The Primitive Potty Packs, aka PP Packs, were intended to help education and inform people on appropriate, hygienic, and environmentally conscientious bathroom practices in wilderness areas where bathroom facilities are not available. My kids and I came up with this idea when we were camping in the Bears Ears wilderness area -an area of much controversy over how to preserve and protect it.

Admittedly we are not huge fans of the publicity it has received by making it a national, federally own, property. It brings people in and many of these people are not wild campers that know how or what to do when they need to relieve themselves but their are no facilities around. In wetter states leaving toilet paper is not as big of an issue, but in the desert, it'll last longer than we will and these gross little brown streaked white flags are becoming a more and more common feature to the landscape. It's not pretty. Or hygienic. It is gross.
We always pack out our toilet paper. The PP packs are our method and we figured we could produce and sell these as a way to both fundraise and educate.
It has been a very well received idea and the people we have talked to about it have been supportive and enthusiastic. We were able to get donations to start the project. While researching we learned that even burying your poop in these areas in not ideal and while the bigger National Parks will provide permitted backpackers of certain areas with a bag to use that is for packing your crap out, we found that they were expensive and rather bulky with a lot of waste for a onetime use product. Our research lead us to develop the Crapsule; A capsule that is made for and contains what you need to pack your crap out. They are also great for dog owners since it is a good solution to carrying a squishy stinky bag on your hike. Too many dog owners bag it but leave it for that very reason, and that is gross. But we can solve that problem with the crapsule...
They are good ideas. Especially right now, amidst this social isolating and Coronavirus concern. We have the product and all we need to do is make some videos to explain and then post and share on social media etc...
...but we are struggling to be brave...
And I don't want to push my kids, I don't want to make them do anything they don't want to do.
... Contrary to the Neuroscience Institute and/ or their lawyers opinions I don't make my kids do things nor cause them to do things that are for my own self-serving agenda or whatever they were thinking when they made that false, hurtful, harmful and offensive accusation.  ...
...and now I am seeing, as I write this out, one more reason why I am extremely gun-shy about tackling these projects and trying to motivate my kids to be brave again so that we can follow through with what we started...
I edited out my flare up of anger and left this entry for a day. But I do feel there are important things to say and the writing it out processing has been helpful. Next I allowed myself a bit of a followup or followthrough on the processing my brain is trying to move beyond. I have decided it is best to be gentle with myself and allow myself the time I need to heal. I also feel I want to share this, because even though this blog goes just about nowhere and get read very little I know that their are others who have been through similar and that their seems to be few resources and very little help or concern about the the challenge they have faced. I also know that the industry standards and far too many professionals within the industry of psychology are pretty clueless, callous or misguided in their understandings and procedures in handling clients they have lost objectivity with.

..."I can't loose you right now" did not matter to him; it did not matter why. He decided and then allowed it to or encouraged it to progress into the absolute decimation of my confidence and self worth by them ignoring all red flags and their obligations to treat and protect me when I was literally fighting for my life... The effects are so far reaching into a person's psyche. ...And I don't want to think about it anymore I don't want to focus on it. I want to focus on and do those other things I have mentioned... I want to focus on developing other skills and talents...
The problem is the solution and the solution is the problem...
Sometimes I feel like I am in a powerful eddy I am just not strong enough to swim out of...
...So it really is not surprising that I am just not brave anymore. But it is annoying to me. Annoying that I can see it for what it is but just can't seem to shake the confirmations of my worthlessness.
But I keep going and I keep trying and I keep choosing to believe, even when I really don't. And the fight gets easier the more I train, but I do wish I did not need to fight so many pointless battles against people that should be on my side.
..."be careful with (or avoid) the shouds" rings in my ears because he should hear and care but does not, because they should care and should have cared but they did not. They choose to see me and treat me as a liability, not a person.

...so ever striving to steer clear when I can of the powerful eddies that surround me and swim out when I can not avoid them. As I continue to keep moving and working to find and establish the me that I want to be. Or God, I would like most to be the me that God wants me to be, but I will admit, that area is scary since the powers that Be are incomprehensible to our mortal minds and it is easy to get lost in the vast shades of grey and purple rains that can easily misguide our naive minds, tender hearts, primal instincts, and guarded egos.
So I am settling for striving to be the me that I really would like me to be.

"Come together, right now, over here"

I have been working on a blog entry about the past couple of days and the... relapse?... I had but that entry has gotten quite long and I am still not finished; maybe more appropriate for a book..
But I feel it is important so here are some cliff notes:
Omens and strange lucid sleep paralysis dreams put together all of the evidence that I am supposed to sacrifice myself and then I found myself fighting the battle with death again only this time with all of the logical compiled evidence being presented in a sleep-paralysis-like state. Whispers of "only he can stop this" haunting me...
I was not focussed on him, but rather what was I to do? I could not shake the evidence and yet I refused to do the deed. I would not do it, while the encounters (or lack of) of the day and with family just kept reinforcing those messages...
Knowing how my husband had responded that day and his typical patterns I decided it would be best to run away.
But first I decided to do something I have been putting off for far too long; I would report to the police the reckless endangerment and possible criminal negligence and fraudulent practices of the medical providers that seem to be the true source of those voices.
After talking with the appropriate police department I felt tired, and cold but it lit just enough that I also wanted to keep fighting even though I was not feeling particularly brave or strong enough to. I also remembered that I had a dentist appointment the next morning for the pain I was feeling once again in my teeth and jaw. But maybe mostly because I was not feeling capable of even taking care of the dog at that point in time I returned home (I had brought the dog with me, for safety and because my daughter thought it would be good for me) despite the thoughts of, "You can't keep going back."
Upon returning home, I took the remainder of my meds -I had already decided to reintroduce the medication I had wanted to quit, which may have accounted for some of the tired feelings- and then I  went to bed.
Though some of the intensity had subsided, the next morning was rough and I was not sure what to do with myself. I wanted to be there for my son so forced myself to be present for the meeting he had arranged to showed his antique typewriter to potential buyers. Not knowing if I would be home or not my husband had made arrangements to be present for the meeting himself, though he arrived a minute or two too late.
So I was up and feeling bit better, or at least numb when my husband arrived. He explained why he had come home; because he was not sure if I would be here. He is not annoyed or angry either way, but rather he tells me he is glad I decided to stay. He gave me a hug asked how I was. Then he took some interest, making suggestions about a project and then proceeded with, "lets try it right now."
And that was it, that turned me right around, like a switch. I was not sure how this was possible and I thought on all the logical evidence and the whispers, omens, etc but they were insignificant again and if anything, evidence of my tenacity and the need for changes in flawed and/or careless systems, not evidence that I needed to die. This is where there is a lot I can explain, but what it really comes down to is this:

• the fight becomes easier the more you train.
• I had put in the work and it is very likely the medication I reintroduced was helping now
• It does not take much to swing a person either way when they are fighting to survive
• Everybody needs people in the ring with them (or maybe it is many people or maybe just I do, but I do. I need people on my side, looking out for me and helping me)

Tragedy averted, I was tempted to just forget about it, but I knew that we needed to talk about this as a family. I knew that they only way I will not-only-survive-but-thrive is if my family understands this for what it is and helps me when I need it. Whether any of us like it or not we have this burden and we are all going to fair better if we learn how to handle it together and what to do when my brain does go haywire. I wondered how to approach this with my family. I wondered if really I should or if I should just sweep it under the rug. 

I thought of our friend who got diagnosed with diabetes at a very young age, I thought of uncles who we have lost to cancer, I thought about my sister who has a heart condition, I thought about my brother-in-law whose family has been there and extremely supportive through his bouts with bipolar, and I thought of my niece that is blind and my niece that has an extra piece of a chromosome and how my sister has handled it an helped her kids handle their realities. I recognized that those who fair best are those whose families also make an effort to understand their illnesses and conditions. 

I realized, we need to talk about this. Not hide it. Not be ashamed and embarrassed. And most certainly not ignore it when something like this relapse (or what ever it was) happens. 

So we sat down as family to talk about this. I told them I need help and I explained that I want them to understand that we are here to help each other. I explained the simple things that helped turn me around. I explained that I also want them to pay attention to themselves and to know if they ever have any issue's, medical or otherwise, that they are not alone and we are here to help them as well. I want them to be comfortable talking about these things and I want them not to stigmatize themselves (the way I have done to myself so many times in the past -I did not add that). I want them to know that mental health problems are not shameful nor should they be ignored. I want them to remember the man from Brazil and for our family to have the same kind of love and compassion for others and each other. I want them to know how much I appreciate what they already have done and how they have helped me and each other in so many ways already. 

Our conversation was brief and I am not sure if I was able to convey all that I wanted to, but I at least know that they know it is okay to talk about these things, we are all in this together (like it or not) and that we are here for each other. 

Later I talked with my husband. More and more he is  understanding that these issues of mine are not as easy as I make them appear to be. He is seeing that sometimes, when something seems silly, it is often merely the tip of the iceberg in what I can or am willing to try to explain. He knows that I am not a willing victim but that I also do not do things out of spite, malice, revenge or otherwise. I really appreciate that he knows that about me and I am really grateful, that even though it can be difficult at times, he still wants me around and he is glad that I keep coming back. He gives me credit and the benefit of the doubt and he is glad that I keep choosing to give him the benefit of the doubt too. He has always appreciated how care about and are kind to others. We are both starting to see how, at times,  I am too nice and forgiving and that I may be giving the benefit of the doubt to liberally while accepting too much responsibility for difficult situations with people. We are coming together better by recognizing and appreciate the good in ourselves and each other. 

...And I believe this may be how we beat the odds.

Just a little love can go such a long way.

Sometimes we just need to feel love.
Sometimes that is the hardest time to love people and when they need it most.
But sometimes that is really all we need.
In person love. A hug, a hand hold, a rub/pat on the back. Not much. But real life real time love.
...
and maybe to get back on the Lexapro too.
Last night I decided, maybe I will take the baby seizures and not mess with that medication right now... Those Lucid dreams threw me way off and I don't know why they came when they did but they did.. I suppose I am not far enough out of the woods yet.

hollow shell, oh well, to hell I fell

back on Lexapro...
Just in case that has more to do with this than the realities that my damned brain keeps pointing out, that
"they don't care enough to care" someone else was able to explain...
friends have dumped me through this and not kindly. Some family too.
My family does not care enough to care and I am the problem.
I should have left a long time ago
I know
but I am so pathetic I just shut down and cry
I get so overwhelmed by the thought of being alone and of being self sufficient. I have failed to be consistent in my job history and I am not good at making money.
...
...
I am loosing again.
and see no reason to keep trying. no reason to fight...
I am bad because I just keep coming back when I know and they show they are better off without me.
I came back because I thought I want to keep fighting but here I just see more and more clearly that there really is no reason to.
They are correct. I am not worth saving.
but I will not do the deed
a coward
or my body is still fighting for whatever the reason...
fading again
but this time because I am week and a coward. This time because, now in the rational place, I understand... I am just not worth the time
But I won't do it. I won't end myself they way they want me too...
I suppose I'd rather be a burden...
I suppose I will stop trying to not be and just let myself be the burden that I am... Maybe thoughtlessly take advantage of others the way I have been thoughtlessly regarded...
If you can't beat them join them
or at least thoughtlessly use them to your advantage and get mad at them when they feel hurt or angered by that... being a mirror of actions
it's not working and I am ready to go... Just don't know where or what I will do when I get there. my ideas, my imagination, they are all dried up and depleted by the toxicity of humanity.
...
nothing left...but a hollow shell
confident only in my ability to offend well.

Purple Rain

Yesterday we went on an adventure. On our way back toward civilization I saw off in the distance a cloud whose bottom half was purple. My husband pointed out that it was a rain cloud and while I know this already, it was not until he said that that I thought of the reference to Prince.
We laughed about it and I joke, "maybe it is an omen or a message from Prince."
I think it is funny.
...but also I am a bit curious
especially since a couple of days ago my very sober father said something about vultures in trees close to his house and joked or wondered if they were omens.
I am not really a Prince fan. I never was all that excited by his music so I really have no idea what the song Purple Rain is about. So when were back into cellphone range I look it up. The lyrics are pretty receptive and vague really, so I then look up what it means or meant to him and those who wrote the song. I find this: The Story of ... 'Purple Rain' by Prince and it says this:

"Prince explained the meaning of 'Purple Rain' as: 'When there's blood in the sky – red and blue = purple... purple rain pertains to the end of the world and being with the one you love and letting your faith/god guide you through the purple rain.'"

Another source I find confirms that this statement was made by Prince himself and this omen now becomes evidence of God's sense of humor with me...
That is until the lucid dreams of last night, that were putting together and making logical links to far too much evidence of how I really should lay down my life for the sake of others, that in this way, I am not just relieving the burden of me from those I have loved but that the important things I keep fighting to be heard but that are largely ignored are much more likely to be heard if I write it and seal it with my blood. And this little quote is repeating in my head; "Greater love hath no love than he lay down his life for his brother." Why am I fighting so hard to keep me a live when maybe I really do need to sacrificed for so many people that I love? Maybe I need to look at this differently and maybe that is what I really need to do...
And then my husband walks through the door.  I always feel nervous when he walks through the door at unexpected times. I think it stems for a time when his company was under questionable management and they were firing people left and right coupled with the time he came home early because my family had not been able to get ahold of me directly to let me know that my brother had died...
But today he came home for his lunch hour. He says he just came to check on everyone.
I am not okay. I am struggling to get ahead of the thoughts that are rationally adding up to the messages I had been fighting so hard to counter. My weird dream state last night confirming what I have been told to do by so many sources.
He asks if I am okay, sits by me. I start crying because I am not okay. I am confused and scared. I want to explain but I also do not. That is when his phone rings. It is one of his higher ups. He feels he needs to answer and I am fine with that. But then he says, "yeah, I'm on my lunch. It's okay, I got a minute." And he leaves me to talk with his higher up that, from my husbands response, sounds like he would have been fine to wait until my husband was done with his lunch break.
Reinforcing.... Emily Dickinson. Only heard after she was dead. She made the ultimate sacrifice, laid down her life, to be heard.
Maybe not so with her, I really don't know, but my conscience is saying "greater love hath no man than he lay down his life for his brother" while the dreams remind me of he who I was supposed to be sacrificed for.  The shadowy whispers of my lucid dreams tell me only he can end this, and they remind me "you are the bad guy because you won't die." .... And the purple rain is just for me, the end of my days and a command that I just keep refusing to follow through with.. or to understand. Maybe the way to be heard, to help others, is to write it with my blood... and how, now, do I go about doing that?...
My husbands ease in putting me off for the phone call yet another confirmation...
When he returns I still try to explain some, after all he made an effort to come home and check on me.
He tells me it is "silly to think that way."  I try to explain that I did not go to bed choosing to connect all these dots in my sleep. He offers a sighing apology with hints of his annoyed disappointed. I close off and cannot look at him. The back of my head turns into a mirror as he asks "is there anything I can do to help?"
I reflect quietly, "I think it has already been established that you can't" and "you will do what you want" the later being his own words that he had so often used to excuse himself from discussing things with me.
He does not like that, curses something about trying to help and then leaves.
...so
what and I to do? I refuse to kill myself for the benefit of others...
Now what?
Should I reconsider this decision and prove my love people for people by sacrificing myself? Hoping to make a stately that cannot be  very ignored as easily as I am?
It is a hard place when logic and reason point to the same place as your insanity...

"I never meant to cause you any sorrow
I never meant to cause you any pain
I only wanted to one time to see you laughing
I only wanted to see you
Laughing in the purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
I only wanted to see you
Bathing in the purple rain
I never wanted to be your weekend lover
I only wanted to be some kind of friend
Baby, I could never steal you from another
It's such a shame our friendship had to end
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
I only wanted to see you
Underneath the purple rain
Honey, I know, I know
I know times are changing
It's time we all reach out
For something new, that means you too
You say you want a leader
But you can't seem to make up your mind
I think you better close it
And let me guide you to the purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
If you know what I'm singing about up here
C'mon, raise your hand
Purple rain, purple rain
I only want to see you
Only want to see you


In the purple rain"

-The Artist Formerly Known as Prince

Welcome to Murray Utah's Intermountain Neuroscience Institute where Victim shaming and blaming and intentionally misdiagnosing prevails

This quarantine time is bringing others around me down, which brings me down. I am hopeful and happy and have plenty of ideas but my significant others are often too cool, too timid, too boring or whatever to work toward goals or to act on my ideas with me. And I still absorb that energy. I also am  too easily dissuaded and I still value and credit people even when they devalue me or my ideas. So I think maybe they are right and I should quit trying. (adding next day when I am not feeling angry... I do know that for my kids, and likely some others including myself, part of what causes them (and me) to shy away from my ideas is the trials we have been through with others that just don't understand how I work and, more likely now, the manic turn of events that really made a mess of me)
I am recognizing these things about myself now but still struggling to overcome. Maybe a bit afraid that my personality pendulum will swing too far and drop me into the self absorbed narcissist land that is all too common in our societies.
It's a tricky balance, to value oneself and maybe that is why today I am feeling an elevated anger about victim shaming and blaming.
I read and answer question on Quora.com  from time to time and I have been wanting to write some about some observations I have made. I want to tackle the subject of victim shaming that is so heavily and grossly present in our societies and American culture. I want to explain how sometimes victims continue to be victims because they don't accept themselves that they are victims. We are taught not to be a victim and that if you are repeatedly a victim it is then your fault. "Hit me once shame on you hit me twice shame on me." But today I feel almost too angry to tackle this the way I'd like. SO maybe I will just try to point out that until we recognize and accept that we were in fact a victim and we stop blaming ourselves for the way others have used and abused us we can't get out of the cycles because we don't even see ourselves as a victim. We likely are accepting too much responsibility and people will jump on that band wagon happily so that they can feel quite free for ways they may also be using and abusing you. And you won't even realize they are - may even credit them with "trying to help." It's warped and I do not feel I am explaining well. I think I will post anyway and come back to read this later just to see if writing when I am angry makes any sense at all.... But then am I doing a disservice to what I really want to share?.. See, what they hell? Damn it self, quit listening to the internal and external bullshit that tells you to discredit yourself!!
...So giving myself some credit ...
I answered this question on Quora If you're a therapist and you've accidentally become attached to a client emotionally, what should you do? You can read it via the link but what I really want to share is the1st reply to my answer. The lovely Crystal says this:

 "Yes!! They get to tell themselves that the termination was “ethical" and all of their colleagues will pat them on the back for doing the right thing. Mean while the client is abandoned and going through hell, alone. Who will they turn to? No one will likely understand the very real pain of a therapist doing this to you"

And I want to share it because of how accurately and perfectly she describes what follow on this type of "ethical termination."
And I can can "and those who they do turn to will also get screwed up by the mess or jump on the victim blaming and shaming band wagon."
And for some reason I am hurting especially bad today and I find myself so angry at the abuses from a medical institution because they wanted to protect their own. There own that is being in patted on the back for his "ethical termination" and being "poor man"ed by his coworkers and colleagues when he was the jack ass that used me and then manipulated me to protect himself.
I feel so angry sometimes, knowing that there is no way in hell he, at no point, stopped and thought, "maybe she really is/was manic." There is no way in hell he, at some point did not know this, and yet he dismissed it. They all did. They dismissed and misdiagnosed intentionally to hide something.
And that IS very unethical and very wrong and yet, no one wants to listen, no one wants to understand and no one wants to protect the victim. And if I take myself out of the equation THAT REALLY PISSES ME OFF!!!
But that is wrong to, I am putting myself back into the equation because it is me and my equation and it is wrong that it happened to me and I am pissed that it happened to me.
And I find myself wanting to know more and more, exactly why and what they have worked so hard to keep hidden... just what I stumbled onto that is so that they are so afraid to face or have exposed?
What really is the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute and what are they trying to hide?