Superman takes Kryptonite for his sanity.

There have been many memories returned or revisited these last almost two years.
First the auto accident made everything feel off and unbalanced. My emotions were an instant mess, I felt disoriented and confused,  and even one side of my body felt taller than the other.
Then I started having feelings  and thoughts of "I have been here before, I have experienced this before" in relation to ways my brain was rerouting and functioning.
The chiropractor who suspected a concussion I was seeing did a little test. First he told me some words to remember; they were something like: apple, bubble, and ladder and I immediately recognized the visual pp, dd, bb pattern of the words so I was able to recall them later. I am not sure if he was conscious of this pattern or not, but for me, normally I don't visualize things like that so quickly and hardly care about remembering or making an effort to remember such things. However, it was an instinctive reaction, that was not how I normally function, but that felt familiar. Before he asked me to repeat those words the chiropractor had me track his finger. I was thinking it was silly and wondering why until he stopped. Then all of the sudden my head was swimming and the world was physically and visually throbbing or shaking. "What did you just do to my head," I eked  out as tears started to fall uncontrollably. I had to sit for sometime before the world stopped moving and I was able to drive myself home again.
I didn't know what magic he possessed and how he had done that to my head but I had experienced the world moving like that before, but I couldn't quite place it at that moment.
One of the more interesting things about that concussion was how my brain seemed to know how to accommodate, and even hide symptoms. I could feel the black dead ends that used to be well traveled routes and then I could feel it rerouting; doing something different to arrive at the same place. It was fascinating, confusing, exciting and scary all at the same time. It made me emotional and quiet.
Many strange moments, memories, and realizations have occurred since including the intriguing beard that suddenly spoke my name, and the names and faces that abandoned my recollection as they spoke in familiar tones; including the sensitivities to light and motion that I could not pinpoint as my internal surroundings danced around until my vestibular therapist pointed them out and we put them into controlled contexts. So many strange things I suspect related to TBI/mTBI... So many reoccurrences.
In this last week I had yet another deja vu memory. I feel as though I have been feeling pain more "normally" again since starting this mood stabilizer and I am actually happy for that because I was concerned about how I had not been feeling pain equivalent to the levels of injuries sustained (my ankle and lower back specifically). I laughed as I remembered how I had once before thought of how medication seemed to turn me into a mortal being. I used to claim an iron stomach and rarely ever got sick until I started taking nortriptyline. It worked well but eventually killed my immune system, the culprit for the ongoing flare up of cystic acne, and I was getting sick all the time. It was severe enough I had to stop taking it and my immune system came back. I don't remember what medication came after or if I was able to stop everything for awhile... I think it was lamictal next, but I am not certain. Eventually I went off all of them and was fine for sometime. Though maybe never really as well as I thought. It is hard to tell because so many things can simply be situational. I did go on adderall in 2015 and that has been a God send because so many things would pull too much energy from my brain, that I'd struggle to stay focused and keep up, which caused mild depression.
But since that dang airbag punch the head, my brain and emotions have been all over the place; functioning so differently that I have once again experienced crosses into the immortal realms. Even bigger and "better" cross overs. And as fun and/or fascinating as that may sound, if you have never experienced it, I can assure you, it is not maintainable and a sacrifice worth making so I join the realm of the mortals again (finally)  with the help of quetiapine.
Really, if you think about it: could you imagine how lonely it would be to be Superman? Yet when I take my kryptonite I find I may be more capable.

Warning: Racing Thoughts May Cause Dizziness

It is not surprising that a medication like Seroquel (Quetiapine) can have the perceived side effect of dizziness. On the label is say "may cause dizziness" but I wonder if that is a misconception?
I remember when I was a kid; we used to spin and spin each other in circles until we were dizzy. But the thing about that is you don't really start to feel the dizziness until you stop, or start to slow down. Yet the slowing and stopping are not what caused the dizziness, rather the spinning caused it. The slowing and stopping only enabled one to feel it.
It is like amusement park rides; one usually is just experiencing the thrill, exhilaration or horror of the spinning when they are spinning on a ride, it is not until after that they feel dizzy, maybe a bit light headed and a bit funny in the brain.

Maybe this explains these pictures that escaped me through paint a couple of months back.

So I think it may be the same with medications like Seroquel and I wonder if a more accurate warning might be "may experience dizziness" to which I would personally add: "as your mind finally stops or slows in its spinning and racing."

Happy Stories

The roads less traveled:
Last week I had a Friday morning appointment with Dr. She (new Neuropsychologist) and since apparently Friday morning traffic isn't as bad, I found myself arriving in the city with extra time. I really don't like how crowded the main streets can get in the city so I decided to see if I could find an alternate route on the less used and unknown backstreets.
As I explored these less used roads I enjoyed the peacefulness of it and seeing places I had never seen before. I don't think it was any faster but I enjoyed it. Then it occurred to me what I had chosen to do with my extra time.
I laughed at myself as I realized how very reflective this was of my patterns of thinking. Always looking for other options and taking different routes. I shared it with Dr. She, she also found it amusing.
Awhile back I made a meme about something like this, it has a picture of 2 kids working on academic tasks and reads "Not all who wander are lost." I will not share the meme because it has pictures of children and I do not wish to tie them to this blog, but you get the idea.
It is funny how our thinking and behavior patterns can manifest themselves in so many ways.

Omens:
Even though I know it can make me seem crazy and truthfully I can, at times, struggle with finding the right balance here, I believe in omens, signs and symbols. At certain times there seems to be more appearing than at other times. Maybe I am just paying attention, or maybe my mind feels it needs them so I subconsciously find them. I don't really know and I don't really care all that much because I think omens are fun and they make life so much more interesting.

Yesterday this little guy showed up. I was already in the house before I noticed him crossing from my shorts to my leg. It is a ladybug. I don't remember where this superstition came from but I think it is a common belief that when one lands on you it is good luck.
I like this omen. And I especially like that it came the day after my "Lucky" blog entry.
A little glimmer of hope I carefully passed along to our aphid infested roses.

More Lessons from Art Therapy:
Sessions with Dr. She are so helpful, and I feel so level and clear minded when I am talking with her these days, but is is still very tiring work for me. So yesterday I decided to paint to help relax my tired brain.
I have been wanting to paint more structured and intentional paintings. Like maybe learn to become a "real" artist, with some skill... I got this far:

Then got tired of it. Bored or too insecure to continue, I am really not to sure which. But I decided to abandon that for a bit and ended up painting this:

 Which eventually turned into this:

And it is so silly but I really like this weird picture. I enjoyed painting it. I enjoyed the process. It makes so much more sense to me and it feels comfortable.
So am I a bit stuck in my own unstructured box - a child's messy toy box? Or am I learning to embrace and appreciate the me that I am?
Maybe both, since I am likely to return to the Tiber and see how I can distort that world.
And so my lesson in art therapy yesterday... Well, I am not entirely sure yet, other than I seem to have a specific style that suites me for my sake and maybe that is okay.
Or maybe the lesson is that I am too ADD to be a lot of things
-including a stalker. And I think that is funny because I think Dr. He wanted and tried to paint me out to be one in order to save his own ass. Only asses need to save theirs by-the-way.
And I do wish the level of light hearted humor I say shit stuff like this would come across better in my writing and communication. Maybe it is a TBI or "prior undisclosed behavioral health" sense of humor that normal people just can't understand.
But, just so you know, I am not crying, I am laughing.
So, dear world, you are welcome to laugh with me.

Self Esteem boost:
My daughter has been really great for my self esteem lately. Today  she told me this is my theme song:
Dark Horse
I am the Perfect Storm
and she is Fabulous.

controlled re-entry?

I think sometimes when I see a glimmer of hope I grab it so quickly and tightly that I crush in an instant. Other times I watch and admire the little glimmer with adoration yet too insecure to catch it and keep it for myself; letting it float buy to find a more worthy recipient.
I would like to take those glimmers of hope and carefully plant them deep in my chest and then nurture them until they grow into a bright and lasting ray and a beacon of hope for others trying to navigate the waters of their own rocky shorelines.
So I am trying to both take it slow and pay attention to the glimmers of hope floating all around. I am trying to listen to each one to hear their story so I might know how to handle them carefully before I reach too quickly and carelessly.
So today as I debate staying awake or allowing sleep to overtake again and again, I find the desire to ramble down another dusty scenic byway of my brain and share stories about the journey.
...sleep keeps winning by the way. Maybe because I am trying discuss-and-compromise while it is straight up fighting to over take. I say, "okay, I'll just shut my eyes for a moment" and then sleep has me. again.
I suppose I'll fight back now with Aderall and then return to my ramblings because today that is feeling more important than once again jumping too quickly back into the world of the living and crushing my glimmers of hope.

Dear Dr. Creon

My daughter had to read the Ancient Greek play "Antigone" for school. She really liked it and insisted I read it too. I think she a had bit of ulterior motive in having me read it. She can be a bit like that, communicating her feelings through sharing indirectly related items or themes.
It was easy to see, especially as she explained to me who the main character really was, who she connected Creon with.
She may be right.
And that is the lead in and slightly vague backstory to this letter of mine:

Dear Dr. Creon,

Please stop. Please don't sacrifice Antigone for the sake of your ego. It does not have to be that way. She means no harm to you or the kingdom.
It is all madness, hers and yours. You are the one in power and you have the power to stop this madness. Please stop the madness and the perpetuation of the damage and harm already caused by these wars that were born from misunderstanding then fueled by egos, passion, and power.
Listen and be open to discussion and negotiation.
You are not on opposing sides.
Please see that, before it is too late.

Sincerely,
Your Once Loyal Subject

Whose to blame? and how to change?

Circles.
It is time to get out of this loop. And I think I can now. I have not wanted to file that report with DOPL because without help from someone I would have likely filed in an incoherent illogical way. Just ask Patient Advocate, of course that should have been sufficient evidence that a missed or misdiagnosis had certainly transpired but they choose not to see it that way. The gods that they are.
Here is the thing that really REALLY BOTHERS ME, doctors and nurses are told by their superiors and the facilities they work for to never admit fault. Never admit a mistake. I do not know if this is just a local common practice or if it is nationwide. However, I do know it is ethically and terribly wrong.
If the mistakes had been addressed early on I could have avoided a whole lot of problems, but instead they perpetuated, fueled and fed the problems in there denials and acting fake treating, constantly trying to pass the buck so that I would go away.
So the real problem, as I see it, -the much bigger and more disturbing issue- are the industry standards of not accepting responsibility, denying, ignoring, and passing the buck. It is malevolent and abusive.
They claim to do this because of "all the sue happy people" so basically they are retaliating. But their retaliation is not targeting those who have "hurt" the industry, they are retaliating against me and people like me. People who accept that doctors are human, flawed and make mistakes, and are willing to forgive them easily in exchange for the correction. But they will not admit fault, thus, especially in a situation like this, they cannot correct their actions and further perpetuate harm.
It is stubborn and asinine but they get away with it, time and time again. Who knows the reality of lives and livelihoods lost due to these apathetic practices.
We preach honesty and yet repeatedly punish the honest.
And the thing that gets me, that keeps me from moving forward, is that I know that in order to be heard the massive organization is likely to pick a scapegoat and punish one while reinforcing bad policies. I do not doubt this because it is exactly what they did with me. They even told me so when I questioned the investigation (I really did not understand it, a huge problem for an intelligent, brain damaged, PTSD-style memory returning, manic altered mess of a person). "It is not likely going to help you but it will help other patients." they told me.
Not true, not fair. If they refuse to even apologize and are claiming others and themselves will benefit from my misfortune but I will be expected to take all the fall, blame, pain, bills, expense than I do not trust them at all. Not a bit. It is a farce and fraud.
Yet, what can I do?  Just to be heard I am going to have to make my voice big. I will have to start advertising and soliciting the whole thing, basically marketing my mental deficiencies to the world in an effort to win enough support so they will listen. I have to prove to the world I am worth saving... Those are big shoes to fill and I have had to fight so damn hard just to believe it myself.
And To go after them, the multiple mistakes that doctors I cared about made could jeopardize their careers.
Yet they absolutely deserve it. But if they were following protocol then this either, again, reinforces bad policies or they will become the scapegoats. I am not okay with either. They need to learn, but they should not be too harshly punished as individuals. And yet, maybe they should be, because this has been a ridiculous journey, insane in so many ways, and them being the insane.
For example: I have talked with the police officer who responded to the call. He felt they should not have called, he's explanation to me is that they were trying to pass the buck. He is sorry to have traumatized my son.
My new psychiatric PA was surprised they called also. She said if I told them I was not in danger and not an immediate threat to myself their was no reason to call. I also know this rule and I had definitely told her that. The conversation ended with me explaining that I only had 20 minutes before work and I needed to get my head straight and talking to her was not helping. Obviously I had every intention of going to work, not harming myself.
And still, I can tell you, of this HUGE company that has many providers all over, I have not heard a thing from anyone as a follow up to that call. To me that suggests ulterior motives which do not include my or my families wellbeing. They do not wish to help but they will not hesitate to further traumatize.
The whole thing is corrupt, and who is to blame?  I won't have any say on who takes the fall and how hard they choose to throw them down, if they do in fact decide that.
So circles...
frustrating bullshit harm
I did not want to hire a lawyer. Still don't, but I am begining to see, I may just need to live up to their expectation... When in Rome...
What a messed up system.

Lucky

my doodle. I'm pretty sure I didn't plagiarize the words so I even signed it :)

I'm not sure who actually reads this blog, but thank you. Thank you for reading me. Especially to Bob. He will occasionally check in with me and give me feedback and I both love and appreciate it.
Right now I feel tired. This journey of mine has been exhausting.
But I also feel very lucky.
I am so very lucky to be in a position where I don't have to work and I can spend time and energy on healing. My new neuropsychologist and psychiatric nurse practitioner both feel this is a good thing. "Take it slow," they say and I am so glad I can. But that's also kind of funny because of how fast my mind has been going. In circles, maybe, but still very fast. I am glad it has slowed.
I also feel very lucky to have found this new team. Beautiful young PA thanked me for trying to get better and for trying something new. That was funny to me. I had thanked her for helping me, the medication is helping me to feel alive again in ways that I was faded and fading from. She, in return, thanked me for trying to get better and I responded with "I had been this whole damn time" which she understood since we have had lengthy conversation on what brought me to her. She then said, "well then thank you for trying something new." That made me laugh.
I like her.
And I laughed for a few reasons, one, because I am not sure I have ever been thanked for trying something new. And I am very good at trying new things. It reminds me of my daughters comment, "Mom, the box can't handle you."
I am also very lucky because I have friends. Amazing friends. Not the kind that I hang out with everyday or even all that regularly, but good friends none-the-less.
Yesterday I had a conversation with one such friend and she talked about my brain healing and getting myself back. I wasn't quite sure how to explain that I do not really want my old self back, because the reality is that old self was never quite good enough. I hadn't quite figured out enough tricks to working with my brain. Also there is the unfortunate reality that potentially comes with every injury and/or trauma, and that is you will never be the same. You may have to accept a new norm. She understood, but then reminded me of the me she was referring to.
Oh yeah... I love that me and I love that she remembers that me. The adventurous fun me, she called it. Oh, yeah again, that me, the one that always had big dreams and ideas that were too big for my britches but I would often try to pull off anyway. The me that her kids would randomly miss.
That me.
That me is coming back.
And starting to dream again.
Starting to ponder the endless sea of possibilities ahead of me with a returning desire to set sail.
Ahhh
We also talked about my blog and my writing. She was glad I do it. She thinks it sounds more like me because it could help people. She feels if I pursue this whole writing thing I could help a lot of people. She has confidence in me, and to her that sounds more like me. This made me feel so happy. To be understood and even appreciated. Thank you friend.