managed manic magnificence

I have a lot to say and probably not enough time or energy to say it all so it will be interesting to see what comes out. If you choose to read this please read to the end.
1st: My managed manic magnificence is a sight to behold and the privilege was lost on the man who lost objectivity. Stigmas and stereotypes, typicals and expected sometimes cause us to loose sight of what may be really happening. One thing I realized a long time ago is that very few people become the exception to the rule until they realize they are not the exception to the rule. Think of recovering and recovered alcoholics for an easy example of this.
I am the exception to many rules, but it is because I have recognized that I may not be and I have worked hard to manage and rationally consider what is happening with me and my emotions and thinking. I have utilized dual nature, likely more aware of my own because TBI can cause you to be things you are not and then feel terrible about, for example: angry.
Which brings me to another point; it is well known (or it should be) that often our greatest strengths can be our greatest weaknesses and vice versa. I hope for the day when people realize that this can be the case with so many issues that are listed and viewed as problems. ADHD, OCD, anxiety, even depression, can serve a purpose and if worked with and managed can be useful traits. They can be turned into strengths. Bipolar people have accomplished amazing things because of that strength. Managed mania can be quite magnificent; think Robin Williams.
BUT don't be fooled into thinking it is easy to manage; think Robin Williams. Just because a person makes it looks easy and natural does not mean it is and most certainly does not mean they are faking (you can't fake that and if a person can they have my applause).
At physical therapy today my physical therapist, who has seen me tear up far too many times, asked why that is. He commented that the emotions are raw and right at the surface. He is right, they are, but they are also down deep. This experience with TBI, Concussion Dr. and Dr. Cheri, Dr. P, Dr. He, (whatever I call him) has affected me at every level.
Every level.
I will stand up for myself here: I was exiled, not due to misbehavior or fault of mine, I was not out of line, rather I questioned, expected, trusted and did not follow the patterns of typical or followed patterns that suggested contrary to what I actually am or my intentions. I have been told, they won't listen, they won't admit any wrong doing, their first and foremost interest is in protecting themselves. Which is understandable yet maybe they have been irrational in how they are protecting themselves. How can you fix something if you will not change the mistake? It is classic wisdom that the continued cover up will only make things worse.
When my husband was a teen he hid a motorcycle injury -road rash on his arm. He tried to ignore it and tough it out. He was embarrassed and didn't want to deal with the hassle. Fortunately the doctor who was seeing him for something else caught sight of it when he did, because it had started to go gang green. The recovery at that point was very painful and much worse than it would have been had he just dealt with the embarrassment of his mistake in the first place.
What if it is the doctor who makes the mistake, misses the problem? I am being told by those in the industry that they are not supposed to admit it. WHAT??? How is this okay? All because some people are sue happy, they say. And somehow that is justification?
They won't listen to me with out a lawyer I am told, and truly they have proven this point, yet they don't want me to hire a lawyer and they will fight the lawyer with their bigger better funded lawyers, their power and dominance, and their PHD's and prestige so the result, I have been told, is inevitably me out a significant amount of money, time, energy and emotional wellbeing so that I would simply be heard, but disregarded with a bigger fight.
This is very wrong.
The ideal versus the reality are too far apart in this system.
AND please remember I was seeing a neuropsychologist, they are psychologist, and they have a psychology team at that facility. Isn't one of the main points of psychology to work things out rationally and in a safe and ethical environment? Isn't the goal to help people become self aware and learn how to work through issues through safe and effective communication? I guess one thing we learn in psychology is that we will not always be able to do that and we need to process and let go of those painful and damaging relationships where safe and effective communication is not possible, but wait, they are supposed to be the realm of possible that helps us process those relationships, so why am I not allowed that? Because I am a slower processor of new information? Because I was in a PTSD fog, that was starting to lift in a scary way? Because I believe in reciprocity and mistakenly cared for my therapist in that way? Because I have a deeper depth and complexity? Because I understand too well and not well enough?
Or because he found me attractive and lost objectivity? and for that I deserve a scarlet letter L (for Liability)?
Or is it because I am intelligent enough to bring them down and therefore a liability? Just because I can does not mean that I will
and here is where we get into a true abuse of power.
They know this.
They know from their testing and from my condition that I was vulnerable and my head has not been optimally functional. Dr. P also knows that I care about people. He knows that I will feel immense guilt for making life harder for someone else, especially if I care for them. I suspect, to some degree, he may be banking on it. He also knew -from the get go- that I did not have strong social or family support. He new that I have struggled with insecurity and feelings of rejection. He knew a whole lot that, coincidentally, also, on paper, would make me a prime target for manipulation and grooming.
He knows I won't want to report this. He knows I would want to believe what I felt and how he tried to build me up over how he may have been trying for some ulterior motive. He knew when he told me his life is very complex right now and that he needed to focus on his kids, I'd care about him and them. When he mentioned other patients needing him more than I do and that he has to turn patients away, he knew I would care about them also. He knew when he mentioned/implied women in his life were trying to hurt him, I'd pick up on it, care, and not want to be one of those women. He was mistaken if he thought I would pity him for the "very small" place he now lives in. I think small can be great. But he was right that it would resonate when he threw out the comments about having to give up on the dream of building a house and reprocessing his own childhood. ... and the farther away I am from the situation the more I question his honesty and sincerity or if these were just ways he knew me better than I realized and if they were straight up bold faced lies he was using to manipulate me to protect himself.
I thought I was immune to people like that, because of the situations I've seen people go through and situations I have suffered second hand from, but maybe I am not.
And maybe the question to "why me and why at this point in my life?" is answered easily by; this guy needed to be caught.
I hope not and I pray for him, but because I know what I know and I am who I am and they are expecting me to play by rules that have hurt me and caused serious harm, that is exactly why I will file that report with the state, and let them decide.
I don't want to. I have tried not to feel like that is needed. I have tried to handle this on my own. I have tried to work it out with them, but to no avail.
So why? Well frankly, I don't know, but I do know how this has effected me and my family and I know that I should not be the one taking all the fallout from this. It is not fair or inline with their rules that be left without the resources I need to best figure out what the extent of these injuries are.  I should not have lost the team I sought out specifically because they were the best advertised and licensed fit for my needs. Initially I thought the breaking of me due to being dropped by my therapist unexpectedly was still linked to TBI, possibly still car accident, but maybe it was more linked to psychological damage caused by abuses of powers and systems in which I have no say or control.
Maybe "why me and why then" because I need to speak out against whatever is happening there; Maybe me, because I actually will. Maybe the Yin and Yang that was almost visible in the intensity and insanity of that moment is wisdom to heed. Maybe the words that so instinctively came out of my mouth that I have had to process the meaning of are representative of the deeper happenings that my conscious mind couldn't face in those very intense moments. Maybe the magnificence of my mania is actually clarity. 
This situation is deep and profound, and yet maybe far too simple. I'll let the state decide and no longer take on the burden and guilt trying to, understand, help and/or fix the broken that was not me or mine.

Countertransference: the problem with current policy

This idea and common practice that says a therapist should immediately and absolutely terminate if counter-transference, specifically (and maybe especially) of the romantic kind, is very wrong. While I don't know an exact solution and I most certainly do not know of a perfect solution I know the aforementioned practice, that seems to be common practice and the APA expectation, is very very wrong. Here are some reasons why:
1. What an easy policy to abuse and/or for a corrupt therapist to use to their advantage. If a therapist is grooming and it isn't going as planned, the patient is about to blow his cover, No problem, claim countertransference and the patient is cut off and cut out, no questions asked.
2. It is only protecting the therapist and/or the facility they work for and often at great cost to client/patient.
3. THIS IS A BIG DEAL IF THE INDUSTRY ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT THE HEALTH AND WELlBEING OF THOSE THEY CLAIM TO BE HELPING, AND ESPECIALLY FOR SOME OF THE MOST VULNERABLE. You send the message to the person that even if they are actually lovable they are not worth the time or energy to care for or invest in. It becomes deeply engrained with the betrayal of a therapist whether countertransference is admitted or not. I imagine it would be even more difficult to overcome if the countertransference were in no way admitted because then the person would know what they felt but be completely confused by the sudden dropping. The message would be received with no logical answer and no place to turn to while distrusts and abuses that had them questioning their self worth in the first place are completely confirmed to the ultimate level.
4. The patient client may behave very strange feeling like they need to protect the therapist but not knowing what from or why and while being cut off from them completely. They may be needing to solve what is going on with their head not knowing what is what, for example is it TBI, mood instability, triggered mania, or some silly fantasy of a forbidden love that just became very real. It's very confusing and yet fed by the APA ethical rule that says no contact for at least two years if there is ever to be a relationship. Then, in they event that the therapist is actually romantically interested, they are required to abuse the patient client through isolation and rejection, in order to pursue that. And even if they are not interested in pursuing that, the patient that felt it, that knows there was something, is stuck in that head game with the power of the therapeutic relationship and their willingness to trust and be vulnerable working against them and this is further fed by the fact that the therapist won’t talk to them or help them sort this out in anyway.
It is a very difficult head game to escape and it is not fair to the patient. The only people it protects are those in power and it is an absolute abuse of power.
I have blogged extensively about my situation and how it has effected me internally, while the thoughts and opinions expressed their do not represent me entirely as a whole and/or they may not reflect well how I am functioning on a daily basis, It has been my therapeutic outlet and my method of both processing and coping. I have published all this on my blog that is not advertised and few people know about because it is how I feel I can be honest and transparent and I also publish in hopes that in someway it might reach and help others at some point. You are welcome to read it.

**after publishing I sent this to the APA. Do you think they will listen?
Please read follow up entries. You can find those by clicking directly on the "Am I Crazy" title or finding the entries by date on the right side. 

"uncle"

maybe instead of fighting it, I just let it settle in and run its course
I'm tired of fighting
whatever it is I am fighting

the downside continued

I've been a fool thinking I could avoid the crash that inevitably follows... I've kept it at bay for many months now, but I feel it, slowing and pulling. The weight.
Depression is creeping heavily in

...meditations
contemplations.
Exploring my own brain
I find that spot way in the back that is happy and fine.
I can access that. I can pull that out
Bright colors.
Fields of flowers
snow
sunshine
smiles and bright feelings
It's still there
I have to pass through all the dark and heavy;
push it aside
I'll need to listen to it when it nags and pulls or it will creep into my happy and take over before I know it, but the happy is still there
waiting for me to find it again and welcome myself in.

The reality is
this is a heavy burden that I really don't know how to handle and it is extremely complex for me. But there is still so much beauty in everything around me and even inside of me.

The harsh realities of TBI and IHC

It's funny how waking up seems to be happening still.
I feel really sad and angry that I broke and they choose to hold it against me. He broke me and then to cover it up he turned me into something I was not. He choose to believe or worked to lead others to believe that I was simply pursuing him in some warped way when I was broken and trying to keep my head above insanity.
I am angry because not only is it difficult, painful and embarrassing to loose touch with reality but they stigmatized me, gaslight and ostracized all to protect him, when in reality that is what I was also trying to do, protect him. I am angry that he manipulated me to protect himself in a way that he knew would or could cause further harm to me.
I started this concussion healing journey with them and I went there because that is what the specialize in. I went there because they understand TBI, or at least they claim to.
but they used it against me.
They would not listen and they would not pay attention to the reality of the situation and they behaviors that I was trying to tell them were not normal for me. They ignored the flooding of memories and the turning point of being able to address PTSD only to later claim it as justification for exiling me.
I am so hurt and I am angry, though I don't really feel anger... just, that I am hurt, deeply.  and sad, sad for what this means for me and sad for what this means for them.
I am sad about the lies. That the whole institution is a lie. The Neuroscience Institute of Murray Utah is a lie. Maybe just insurance fraud, for easy money. I am so sad.
The realities of head injury are harsh and sad and this is another one.

Random, not so random

The waking up is not yet ended in its entirety. It's beyond frustrating, which might explain why today I feel like "who gives a shit about anything." A I'm giving up and I don't care about a damn thing, kind of day.
I'm lazy and zombie like.
Yesterday was so emotional. So much so that I want to include the F word but I'm trying to clean my mouth back up... wait, it's a who gives a shit kind of day... I guess I still care even if I don't give shit or I somehow think giving shit is something people do and are supposed to do. I digress...
The F word fits for the emotional toll of yesterday because "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge" was how my head was messed with. He literally was FUCKing with my head. I'm still not sure if he meant to but he is far too intelligent and has been so concerned with cover up and keeping people from listening to me or being concerned about me and my health and wellbeing that it is clear that he really was playing with a hot fire.
"You isolate yourself" he said, and this one has baffled me.
He seemed a bit frustrated with me, yet it was something I had discussed previously with him, when I explained how my insecurities and pain from rejection would often cause me to behave oddly, thus I was further isolating myself. Only now, in this context and conversation, I was not sure why he said this ("you isolate yourself"). It did not make sense to me.
Yesterday I met with the new neuropsychologist. It was supposed to be a new neuropsychological evaluation, but I was too emotional. He felt it might benefit me to do some counseling first, get this old neuropsychologist stuff processed first then do the assessing.  That could give a better idea on what is TBI residual. At least that was my understanding. He wanted me to choose but obviously I don't know what is best for me, because if I did, I'd already be over this shit. I've been trying. And not trying. And everything in between... but I'm still here. Broken.
New neuropsychologist wants me to meet with the female therapist in his office. I don't trust females, but due to my transference issues... This is annoying but I get it. I assure him, its not going to happen, at least not on my end, and since that is all I can control I agree the female therapist might be the way to go... Now I don't trust men either I guess. But regardless we have a good conversation and he gives me a bit of insight.
When I tell him about situation with old therapist, how I told old therapist I'd not come back to him as my therapist if it meant he could not be my friend, he reacts. He thinks this is odd. I agree. I explain, and he actually listens, granted I'm well out of my messed up manic breaking brain, this kind of stuff is embarrassing. I said stupid stuff and wanted to clarify. It took months to figure out exactly how stupid some of the shit I said was. I explain that I was not in my right mind and had old therapist not lost objectivity, he would have seen it. Or he was using it against me early on. I don't know.  I just know it hurts still in many ways. I explain to new neuropsychologist that it is part of what makes this whole ordeal so painful, it IS embarrassing and they were supposed to know how to handle it but instead they confirmed the insecurities of there being something terribly wrong with me and I was not allowed to discuss it.
"Oh shit, she is one of those. Never mind cover that buried story back up. Your perfectly imperfect actually is not acceptable, not even here" is what they seemed to say.
and I'm circling and cycling again, maybe ruminating.
I don't know.
But then later, conversation with my boss who is a therapist, he asks how I made it to work so early; We put off the eval because I'm too much of a mess. He asks how I feel about that. Wrong question. I break down. Now I am compromising my job, but oh well, too late, the flood gates are open. He listens, we talk, he asked questions, he understands a lot. He tells me "that's some heavy shit" I know, because I feel it.
He understands how deep the betrayal might feel. He wonders about the transference, did/do I love Dr. Cheri because he was the therapist? this is common. ...
The thing is I can tell you how many kids he has and about his kids. I know their ages and where his daughters are at college. I can tell you he was going through a divorce and at times it was painful for him. I don't know why but I know it was. I can tell you about how he collects rocks from places of his ancestors. He even has ancestors from India, which surprised me. I can tell you that he doesn't quite fit into the Utah culture and he would one day like to try kite surfing. I can tell you more but that is enough about him. Here is what he could not tell you about me: That I also collect rocks. That I also want to build a house. that I have two kids and he likely cannot tell you much about them. He could not tell you the condition of my relationship with my husband or that I had been to other therapists (to be fair, I had mostly forgotten about the other therapists so he could not have known about that, though if he had asked I would have remembered sooner).
He doesn't know these things because I did not share. If I felt a connection with him I'd withhold anything that might strengthen that connection. I could say I was protecting myself, and I likely was, but I was also protecting him ...from me, because even though I couldn't believe it -I was so broken- deep down I knew their was something there, I knew he was flirting with disaster.
So I isolated myself. I rejected him.
"I've tested you, in ways you don't know."
But I knew.
And so the mystery of how and maybe even why I isolate myself was solved yesterday as I realized how I keep people away in order to protect them from me...
"I'm not afraid of you."
Really? Maybe I am afraid of myself. I am afraid I will destroy people. and they are certain I am a threat.
So, who gives a shit?
Angel of destruction
Random and not so random
...Emotional tired mess yesterday, lost today, I wonder what tomorrow will bring.
"Sit with it" is what Dr. New says, when I ask about reporting. I have. I am tired of sitting with it. I am tired of trying to understand what is going on with my head. I am tired.
Manic
not manic
this mess
it's exhausting
heavy shit
3 weeks to sit with it until I get to meet New She Therapist. To process.

The downside

I've been a fool thinking I could avoid the crash that inevitably follows... I've kept it at bay for many months now, but I feel it, slowing and pulling. The weight.
Depression is creeping heavily in