keeping up

Sometimes mania happens when you are fighting depression, hurt or pain.
The deeper the depressions
the heavier the hurt
the more intense the pain
the more dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, endorphins
it'll take to get you up
mania, my friend, mania

I started low today.
death at the door
But I'm fighting
coming back up

"It was only a game and nothing more"

go

I do not wish to prove how broken I am.
I wish to be resilient
I want to be strong and brave
I want to overcome the odds of my injuries and upbringing
so off I go to conquer a new day
small victories
and you never know what can happen when you try
so it's time to apply

if nothing else I'll gain a thicker skin
so even if I loose, I win

hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again

This morning I am shaky.
My hands are shaking and I am not entirely sure why.
I feel a little amped up.
Anxious?
Yes, anxious
sometimes it takes too much to regulate that stuff
even when my brain is okay and thinking straight I still get this cortisol feeling in my heart and shaky in my hands
my left is especially bad today.
I requested a resolution yesterday.
I stood up for myself
and that makes me anxious
I am trying to do what I need to to care of myself and stand up for myself, also acknowledging that I am likely not the only one who has been hurt by policies or practices.
That gives me more courage, knowing that I am standing up for others as well
but it makes me nervous.
I don't like how my emotions can be so time consuming to regulate.
I liked very much the progress I was making and I like very much the progress I have made
but this is a new adventure I am on so it is causing new sensations.
So much more at peace, rational, stable
but still I know some of these symptoms all to well and they aught not be ignored.
So follow up appointment with doctor I saw before Italy when my heart and body was wearing down from 3 weeks of very little sleep and far too many chemicals surging through my system. (all from my body, I am not a substance user, I dislike even taking what is prescribed)

Mania

I was able to talk to my brother-in-law (I have mentioned him before, and he has written some books on bipolar) about mania.
It was really nice being able to talk to him about it. I talked with him actually while I was still a bit manic (or maybe still very manic, but I manage well) and he was alarmed then. "That sounds like mania" he said with intense concern in his eyes.
"Oh I know" I said. But I had it figured out already.
That is one of the funniest ironies of mania. How well you can have it figured out and know you are in complete control. Hell, you are in like super-human strength control.
And maybe, just maybe it might still be considered hypo-mania because I was able to manage without damage...
Okay, without too much damage.
Mostly I was pretty freaking awesome and powerful and while I was experiencing every single sensation of every single moment magnified by 1000 I was still aware of my surroundings and other people. I did not have hallucinations that were entirely fictitious although the signs, symbols and maybe a couple of lizards may not have been as real as I thought they were. Also my feelings...
Those may not have been as real as I thought either.
Which may have been a bit problematic. Plus then I communicate from a higher plane too... and that can/may have been a bit of a problem.
But I am good. I have gotten real good at self-regulation. I have gotten good at seeming perfectly sane. It's yet another hilarious irony, because I am, probably more so than most sane people now because I am self-aware and I know when my thoughts and emotions are becoming irrational...
Maybe I wasn't quite as on top of it as I thought but overall I did a good job navigating my crazy as I chose to embrace and enjoy it instead of fighting it.
But oh mania
If that is what drugs are like... I can see how they become a problem for people. But I have to admit I think an artificial attempt at that would be really stupid and I would not at all trust the other side. And I doubt it can even come close anyway. But the fun of it is so fun. Your senses and sensations are so heightened. You can feel happiness surging through your whole body. Every thing is beautiful and wonderful and perfectly aligned, until it is not, then it is the depths of hell. ...but if you decide to be empowered by your brokenness and choose to hold on to that euphoric place you can turn the depths of hell into a cosmic amusement park and keep euphoria going as your superpowers give you the strength to turn the world up-side-down.
And you are so productive. Extra energy and stamina. Very little sleep is needed as you have far too much to do.
This mania was the highest I have experienced. But also the most painful. Probably why it took me so high, I needed to survive after all. But when it starts to fade, when the threat starts to fade.
Oh it is boring. Even a 2nd grade classroom is boring and meaningless. I was able to tap into it the dopamine cycle some and perpetuate them to some extent for a few months but alas all good things must come to an end.
It is a bit sad to loose those feelings. Honestly I'd love to live the rest of my life there. But probably my life would not be very long there. The cortisol that came with it was wearing on my heart and no sleep was wearing on my body. A sinus infection aligned with my final manic meeting.

Talking to my brother-in-law was kind of fun, because he really gets it. It is a struggle for him to take medication that makes him feel so low, slow and dumbed down. But with out it he does not have the regulation abilities I have. He broke too big too young. I do wonder if I will be able to manage as well now but I think I am still doing okay. I am medicated for depression and anxiety, that probably helps. But as I look back I am so glad that I am not experiencing as much of that as I used to. I am glad that I stay out of the heaven and hell cycle that used to be such normal part of my life. I am glad that I could manage and mostly knew what to do through this biggest and longest manic episode.
But I tell you what, it's not easy and other people truly don't understand. Yet they are needed to help keep one in check. Part of how I set up my boundaries is by saying "hey, I am irrational right now, you might need to take care of this for me." But they do not understand and to them crazy is "bad."

We talked about that self-regulation and my brother-in-law asked me why it was that I didn't want to pursue the psychiatrist or a medication change. He wondered what that meant to me. It is hard to explain. I have played the medication game before and it can be hard. The side-effects can really suck and I don't want to be dependent, I don't want someone else making the decisions for me, and I don't know that I really need it.
He helped me realize that I felt I would be taking medication for other people's sake, not for mine. I can handle myself and I can manage, but other people don't really know how to handle me and that hurts.
It is something to consider. I do not think taking medication for the sake of others and your family members is a bad thing but if those closest to you are not worried about it and not bugging you to get on something then it is probably okay. It is not always easy to know when medication is needed for you or for others.
I am back and forth on it a bit currently but I mostly feel fine and getting better so I don't really want to mess with that... However I am open to suggestions so if you know me personally you are welcome to weigh in.

feeling sorry for yourself

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself"
is what my dad would say.
I am hearing that in my head this morning as I am waking up for the third time.

those 5 words
he said too much and not enough

I was not allowed to feel my pain.
My pain didn't count
and I was not allowed to speak up for myself if I was hurting.

I am a broken person
in so many ways and for so many reasons

And while I don't want to "feel sorry for myself"
I know that this is not appropriate language and caused far more harm than healing
so I'll try to address that now too.
"I'm not feeling sorry for myself" I would try to say but it was not heard and I always had to consider that maybe I was.
I took it to heart... I do that

One thing I know,
I don't say this to my own kids
I won't use that as a solution with other people

there must be more to my pain then my dad understood
my pain was valid
and still is
at least to me
...so, I guess I keep trying.
I did read a very helpful article by a lady who had felt betrayed
https://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/05/betrayed/
It really resonated and I think it is nice that she pointed out that it takes time.
I also really like how she signed her article:
"with peace, love, and waving no white flag (because I am a fighter)"

What breaks me the most

What breaks me the most is that I can't even work it out with a neuropsychologist. That I am so terrible at communicating or so good at making a mess of things that I can't even work it out with a therapist... and a really good one... who was helping me so very much.
I went manic. I did that "wrong." I did not mean to. But I did. I was honest while I was manic. That was probably a bad idea. But I know I was not the only one to make mistakes. However, there is no compromise. I am not worth it to them.
I don't get the chance to understand what happened and why because I am not worth their time.
As much as I think I am okay and can become that version of me he was helping me to build I am absolutely defeated and anxious when I try to revisit my resume and hopes of doing more.
I got an email from a nonprofit organization. It is my dream job... I think I could do it but I just can't seem to sell myself because deep down inside I know I haven't got a shot.
and can I take the rejection if I do try?
...I can't even work things out with a therapist.
and that hurts so much
I suppose I need to take much smaller steps.
I suppose I need to start much smaller.
I am not sure where that is or what that looks like
but the stars...
the stars will burn me up if I shoot for those
...that much has been proven

this is the reality.
I wish it wasn't and I am fighting to overcome
but it is the reality

Work it out or write me off

One of the hardest parts of recovering from a head injury is dealing with "irrational" emotions.
But irrational emotions are not an exclusive problem to head injuries.
Irrational emotions are also a problem when we are going through stressful life events.
Irrational emotions can be part attributed to puberty also.
They are a part of our basic human nature.
Sometimes our primal instincts are irrational.
Whether they are actually nature or nurture many of our "instinctive" reactions are irrational, like in snowboarding, if you understand the physics of it you know that you have to overcome the instinctive fear that causes leaning back and lean forward with the snowboard in order to have and stay in control.

But with head injury, emotional regulation becomes difficult and changed personalities are a common "problem" associated with head injuries.
I was 12 when my brain was damaged. 12; the middle of seventh grade, the beginning of all those exciting changes that throw your emotions all over the place anyway.
Anger.
That is the worst of the new and intense emotions in my opinion. That was the worst one to deal with and regulate as it could take over so quickly and cause harm so quickly.
My parents had their own difficult to extremely difficult issue's so anger was no stranger to our home.
I hated anger. I still do.
As a little little I was not an angry child. I was empathetic, shy but fun, and pretty laid back. I remember going through some elementary experiences that may have made me "mad" in some way, but I don't remember being "mad" about them. I would stand up for people or myself but I was never angry.
At least not like what I would experience later.
Immediately after my youthful head injury I don't remember anger then either. I was too tired to feel much of anything. But as my tired fog lifted new personality traits seemed to come out of the woodworks and there were times when I was very angry. Intensely angry. Instantly angry. Stewing plotting angry. Many forms of angry. It is a good thing I was surrounded by so many good people and it is a good thing I was really an empath. But you better believe being an empath with so much anger was a very difficult form to live in.
Other emotions and emotional reactions could be irrational also. But that anger, that most likely stemmed from head injury, and was an alien to my core may now prove to be my redeeming grace. Because some of these emotions caused me so much discomfort I was determined to figure them out and learn to control/manage them. I have worked long and hard for many years learning to self-regulate. I know that at times we can not trust ourselves because of our emotions and how they are effecting our thinking. I have learned to recognize so many symptoms that I can vocalize and tell people when I am irrational and my thoughts may not be so trust worthy.
I believe that many people reach some level of this as they learn to say "no, I am sorry that is too much for me right now." and that is a good thing.
However, while many people identify this in themselves, few are comfortable with being honest about it. I often have felt being honest is the best way and maybe I took the example of the man who was hearing bad Jesus to heart a bit too much ...I do have a tendency to do that, I'll take you to heart so unless you want to be trusted, appreciated and loved you probably better not try to help me...
But that is not what is usually understood.
Often in life we are so much more lemming-like than we ever care to realize as we follow all the rules, cliches, stereotypes and trends in thinking if a person admits they have had issues with other people we will hold it against them. We will be guarded and say "well this problem or thing that is making me uncomfortable must be them because they have struggled with others too." It is so much easier to write someone off and stay guarded in ourselves than to work things out and try to truly understand each other. At other times we do not want to face our own insecurities or maybe we made a mistake we don't want to face so instead of examining for ourselves we easily blame the obvious problem and let the more honest one take the fall for all.
It is an easy trap to fall into. I have myself plenty.
But I am also so keenly aware of our dual natures that it is both a strength and a weakness to me and I often make the "mistake" of trusting others to see what I so easily see but instead they will blame me.
So I have struggled some lately in knowing who I can trust, and who I should trust. The people who were supposed to help me decided that I am to blame for whatever went awry. Well they are right, if it is me that is the problem than I am to blame, but if that is why I went to them and their job was to help me fix the problem then... Obviously the agreement was to help me fix me, so blaming me for trusting them when it was their "professional" fires that burned me down or up just doesn't make sense. I don't understand their games, I don't know their rules, I have tried to learn them and I have tried to be honest about what I don't know and when I know I am in an irrational place and I was trusting them to be the professionals.. But somehow, I keep messing things up...?
Who do I trust? Can I ever really trust anyone after this?
Yes, I can trust myself. I know this because I am so keenly aware of when I cannot entirely trust myself and/or my emotions and I will ask for help. I wonder if they know how easily we can turn what we fear into the very thing that we fear when we are too heavily focused on our fear..
One of my realizations in reprocessing (and I have realized this before) is that I take way more responsibility and blame myself for way too much at times. I am the perfect scapegoat because I make myself one.
In these defining moments of my life, will I continue to be that or do I stand up for myself even if it makes people uncomfortable?
...and how far do I take that?
I'd rather be forgiving and work things out. I'd rather be forgiven and understood.

This writing did not go the way I thought. I am struggling to get my thoughts out the way I am thinking them so I hope it makes sense... but maybe that is okay, maybe this is for someone else or maybe it is for me to look at later, but it feels important so I will leave it.