time to stand on my own two feet

My husband...He knows about my blog. He can read this and know what is coming. Know where I am, how I am doing and how I am feeling. He doesn't like talking about things.  He can read this. But he doesn't.

I have two men in my life that I love but neither read my blog. 

It is time to stand on my own two feet. 

the new Therapist

Radical acceptance.
That is a term the new therapist taught me. and honestly I wonder what my old therapist would think of this
for me
right now
But my old therapist really wouldn't know because I kept way too much from him. Because I felt his "pain" and I protected him. Probably at my expense.
Empath
that was the word I have been looking for.
what is that, what does it mean again?
I do know the word but I really don't want to think about it right now. Clearly it fits me but I need it to not for a minute
and I need to be strong at the same time.
The problem is I know I need to leave. I know that needs to be my radical acceptance
and yet then I am the rejector.
And I will not have support in this decision.
I will have support from my new therapist
but I won't be able to afford him anymore so it's a bit of a predicament.
I don't need a psychiatrist. Old therapist is actually correct in that it was not what I needed when I emailed him concerned that I was cycling into an unstable state.
 But facing this reality puts me at high risk of cycling into an unstable place. and acting on it will. or maybe not acting on it is what is putting me at risk? I really don't know. But clearly I am "high risk"
I read an article recently about brain injuries and the outcome of lasting effects also being related to the amount of social/emotional support the person has during recovery. I am past the initial physical recovery from this most recent concussion...I think. But my past is difficult and I can confidently say that leaving my husband is going to earn me much criticism and that lack of support that I have long dealt with could very well escalate.
that, and I will be so poor... I'm okay with that, but it is hard to give up financial security. I have been there before and I am resourceful; it's just another added stressor and since my current job pays enough to cover... well nothing. Taxes maybe. I am not at all sure how to move forward. I will have to be the one leaving. I will have to give up everything. Except the kids which is what really matters... but I will not have means to support them financially.
They will be angry. They will experience hard emotions. They will blame me.
I will hurt and I will question myself. I will wonder if I am doing "the right" thing.
But I don't want to think about that right now. I am not "right" to stay. I have not been "right" to stay. Where I thought I was being an empath I was merely being weak and he deserves more than that.
I have stayed too long
and damage is done
Am I strong enough?
Or am I stuck.
I wish it were not so complicated
But it is.
So Radical Acceptance?
Maybe then I will sleep again?

Writing my own story

This is where I belong
In the brain injury world
It is something I was fighting when I didn't know what I was fighting because I had what others (in authority) had perceived as "a full recovery" and because I had not lost (too much) of my intellectual abilities.
I do not want to be passed off now as head injury being "secondary" to mental illness or that is compounded by a preexisting mental illness. I do not believe this is the case. Even though in the case of this recent concussion it seems that way, that mental illness was secondary to a first and worse head injury. I believe my mental illnesses are a direct result of head injury. I may have been biologically more susceptible to mental illness but we can not say they would have developed had I not had a head injury. Prior I was a child and I was fine. Other then being a deep thinker at times and considered "gifted" I was easy going and NOT all the things I developed after the head injury that could get me all sorts of psychiatric diagnosis. My childhood had problems that would also mess me up, but the head injury definitely caused its own set of problems and I believe that my ability to maintain balance and keep myself out of hospitals and psych wards through some pretty intense mood swings and suicidal tendencies may be evidence against mental illness being the primary problem. It is just a theory. But it is also my life and it is my story and I get to write it.

It's all coming back to me now. there and back again. and the life of tao

I felt your pain and I felt your attraction and I protected you.
I am sorry I am not what you thought I was.
I tried to tell you.
I tried to tell you I was breaking but you didn't see it.
Maybe I didn't realize it until it was too late.
I think that somehow using the word "counter-transference" in an email got me exiled
You did nothing wrong, I did nothing wrong. But the rules and guidelines are wrong.
You can fix this
I can help you help me.
But I didn't get here alone and I need help getting out.
I thought I was stronger and could. I maybe could have been. but conditions are not right for me to do it alone.
My mind has been trying to protect me and you at the same time and I believe you are trying to follow your rules do the same but it's not working. and as I stumble I am making mistakes and making a mess. I am not trying to. I don't want to hurt you and I am trying my best.
But I need you to be real again. I need you out of my head and out of my heart and just real.
You have excellent control and you are not reading this. for your own sake. so I speak to myself and I know it. which is why it hurts so much. You said things you cannot take back and I don't wish for you too. but reality aftermath is haunting and it is one too many punches to roll with. my complicated plate just got more so.
Now I have to tell myself it is was all in my head. I am making it all up and none of it was or is real.
If that is true than I guess that is a good thing to tell myself and I do need to get psychiatric care. But if it is not true than it is a messed up system that is first creating the thief then punishing them for it.
... If you ever decide to check in on me please talk to me.
and in the event that you do not, I stay exiled and forgotten, well I guess then I am sad for you because you are missing out. You are missing out on the beauty and adventure of me. You are missing out on the spark of life I bring to you. You are missing out on playfulness and conversations that intrigue you. You are missing out on Neverland and me. I am worth loving. I am worth the risk. I could have given you my beautiful world and you could have shared your burdens. I am not a bad place to be and  you are always welcome to contact me but I'm taking back my power now.
And I will be okay. thank you for your time and what you have given me and given me back I will always love you for it. But I'd rather embrace my insanity and grieve the loss. You will be proud but you will also be hurt, but I can't save you from that nor will I try any longer. Sorry I am a slow processor
(you taught me that)
This is my story and this is how it goes.
I can get back on track.
I hope that this is not a regular part of your job and you don't become attached like this often because really not many people can handle it. Not everyone is as strong a fallen angel.
Yay.
my happy insanity is back. and somehow that makes me sane again.
My heart will heal. I'll come through this grieving process okay, and reprocess without falling back into the traps. I am strong and I am good again.
and just as soon as I start sleeping normal my mood will be more consistent... my brain will level out again and I don't need to put my life on hold waiting for doctors who rarely figure it out before I do anyway.
I got this

the exiled

sleep evades me yet again.
to bed at 10
awake at 11
again at 4
again at 5
and awake since then
So I'm giving up on sleep again
since all I am doing is stewing
or something like that
I am only using that word because it rhymes

Today I have an appointment with my doctor that is in the same office as the therapist who exiled me.
Be busy
goodbye

7:35am

Last night I only took melatonin to help me sleep. I still woke at 3:30 and wanted to write but went back to sleep fairly easily. Then didn’t wake until 6:00 and then 7:00 (went to bed at 10pm)

The night (or two nights) before I had taken melatonin and clonazipam which worked about the same but my emotions yesterday were so screwy I decided to avoid the clonazipam and I am glad the melatonin worked fine last night.

At my 3 am waking my thoughts went a bit deep. They wanted to go deep but fortunately I was able to redirect them well enough to sleep.

reciprocity

I reflect other's feelings. projection. the intensity of my reactions may be reflective of the intensity of emotions projected?

I was able to go back to sleep and only have slightly been interested in revisiting those thoughts. Not sure that they are productive. So I'll leave them and I did because now it is 12:50 pm two days later and I am only writing to finish this up because it was open on my screen when I came to accomplish some other task on my computer.

I am easily side-tracked and derailed these days. I want resolution and I want to understand what "test" results were as well as why it is some people feel so sure that I am, can be, or will be of no value to them. That I am not worth the investment of time and energy. I would really like this question answered. 

Maybe it is because I have not valued myself and truly when one does not believe in or value their self it is likely they won't be able to be of much value to others... but which came first the chicken or the egg? and why is it when I start to learn that or start to value myself that is when I will be turned on? What am I doing wrong?

At least I am of great superficial value still. I connect quickly and easily with people and they enjoy me for a moment I enjoy them and the moment is great. I am glad I can be that. I suppose I need to work on accepting that this is where it must end with me and I need to stay content with that through the times when I yearn for more. 

Is that what I am to learn from this?

I don't know if this is me trying to "solve" or not. I think it is me trying to understand. And to solve or not to solve doesn't matter really because either way I am living this. This is my beautiful crazy life and not a burden but an adventure. Sometimes I wish more people could see it that way and enjoy the journey with me. I often feel I have more to contribute than I am allowed to. Oh well I guess. I suppose that is ego maybe arrogance? I don't know you decide today because I don't want to.

Okay... back on track...

What did I come on here to do again?

tenacity

so when I type on my 70+ page self reflection and study report it does not copy and paste well if I choose to transfer it here. Therefore although, right now that is where I intended to start I am coming here because my thoughts feel like they might be worth publishing.
Push-Crash cycle. that is the cycle that is easy to get into after a head injury. It is a cycle I think I lived fairly regularly in since I was 12. After a head injury it is hard to break and aside from the obvious wearing out of crashes it wears a person out long term.
At 39 I had figured out well enough how to stay out of the extremes of those cycles, though I was not in my healthiest happiest place and honestly too much of my efforts to maintain in the more healthy productive ways had been lost and buried over the years, influenced maybe a bit too much by external influences. But I was level and managing. Emotional intensities sufficiently buried and/or masked as far as I thought. But maybe they weren't buried as well as I thought and I am sure they bled through the mask in ways that confused others. But I was fine without anti-depressants or anti-anxieties and I was finding my way once again after some pretty harsh rejection from what we had thought were good family friends.
Then I took a job at a school. I had been looking for part time but decided to take this one because it seemed like it could be a good place to build the career I have been putting off building and they said "family first." Unfortunately they had some very screwy philosophies that included top down training that came in the form of "well nobody trained me on it" and no curriculum resources. They also liked to make snap decisions about their teachers that would effect them significantly without ever getting the teachers input. Those and many other reasons made it a very unhealthy environment to work in and that was pretty obvious from the get go.
So I was in a quandary. This was not a healthy work environment and the demands were ridiculous being a first year charter school, no base curriculum, three grades, mainly troubled or low preforming students that were not getting the help and support they needed, no training on the basics; like how to use the smart tv's, new technology for the classroom and not the standard for the area, or the grading system. But I loved the kids I was working with.. It was a dilemma as I quickly became less and less available for my own struggling family. Since they had not got the numbers they were expecting at the first part of the year they had displaced teachers that could easily walk into my position I decided to start looking into other options.
On September 21st I made a decision to apply for a different job. I loved my kids I was working with but I new that my first priority needed to be to help my own kids. I talked with my administrator. I let her know how I was feeling about things, reminding her that I had initially been looking for part time and that she knew hiring me that family was my first priority. I explained that I was embarrassed, I felt bad about it and even though I was not sure what I was going to do just yet, that I was exploring other options and I wanted to give her a heads up. She was surprisingly understanding and supportive. She told me that they did not expect perfection but she also would support me in whatever decision I made. She let me know that I could just take it one week at a time and I didn't need to make a decision right away. It was the most support I had felt from administration the entire year, so I was encouraged, but still felt it worth applying and talking to the other school.
On my way home is when I go hit by a car turning left.
And that really complicated things.
Everything went black but I hadn't blacked out completely (I don't think). Then I was stopped and my arm and face hurt so badly, my emotions were instantly out of whack and I was confused, disoriented, and my whole body felt off; my right side felt longer than my left and I was limping even thought I didn't know why. I opted out of the ambulance ride, though on hind sight I wish I had taken it and had them do a whole body scan at the hospital because it would take so long to figure it all out and then I would have at least had it all documented from the beginning. They would have found the peroneal tendon tear in my ankle that I let go for over a year before deciding to have it examined by the correct doctor after realizing it was not going to heal on its own. If I had gone to the hospital they may have done an MRI or CT scan on my head that could have checked my sinuses and teeth that I have since had problems with. They may have picked up on why my left wrist will now get week and shaky with certain movements and activity. Maybe they would have picked up on the hairline fracture in my neck and maybe they would have found why my right hip still feels a little off too. But they almost certainly would have caught onto the concussion and given me better advice than the doctor at the insta care who I had to ask if it was a possibility and simply replied "maybe but we really don't do anything for those;" the doctor who was much more interested in my husbands thumb he had repaired the previous month than my puffy face and pathetic emotions.
Push crash became my daily routine.
It took a week and my chiropractors office picked up on the concussion. They realized I wasn't acting quite right and my exhaustion and emotions were telling a very obvious story to them.
It was a relief to know, though I think I already suspected it I was just to tired and malfunctional to really know it or face it.
But it scared the hell out of me.
It scared me because I already worried about my delicate brain, memory, language recall, emotional intensities, all of those things that I had worked so hard to "balance" and figure out how to manage since the head injury of my youth.
...It makes me sick just now, knowing that I found such an excellent doctor of neuropsychology that knows and understands the academic side of it so well and has been able to help me more than he realizes but that I am not allowed to utilize anymore. It makes me hurt a hurt built over a lifetime and all because he could possibly fall for me in some theoretical alternative? It is exactly what I need and I believe I could even be of value to him but I am of none. I am alone again. I have derailed... once again. My thoughts to reprocess and heal are derailed once again by this taboo and too many unanswered questions.
I am an adult. I am strong and solid and confident in so many ways. I have and can handle so very much. I am powerful. But I not a threat.  ...unless one really is unethical then I often instinctively or intuitively turn into a natural fighter for justice and compassion. But even then just because I can be a fighter doesn't mean that I will be. Just because I am intelligent enough to go after a person and bring down the fort doesn't mean I will, and this most recent hit has taken so much of my fight out of me I haven't been able to even face the terrible school that is actually causing pain and psychological damage to children.
However I can hold my own but I am also sensitive and I listen. I try not to put "my own" over the needs of others. I can be accommodating and meet in the middle.
But I think this whole idea of having nothing to do with me because I am a potential liability, too complex, or not worth the time is unfair, disingenuous, and this is where it has become unethical. Besides I promise I can sufficiently kill (and probably already have) any feelings that could compromise his position. It's not that hard to face and talk to people. It seems so silly to me. Maybe a bit elitist.

I am not trying to solve this. I am living this and I wish to face it with maturity, like an adult and talk about it. It feels stupid and rather pointless in a way to try and work through this with a different counselor, they can only validate what I am feeling. He is trained and skilled and he can handle this. He has worked with me and understands me but he has withheld too much information and is unwilling to talk about it, that puts us both in the same positions as of the untrained, unskilled, heartbreakers, all of those who are too immature and scarred of facing their own insecurities to be a friend, or a professional, an adult or at least a creative free individual who can think and solve problems outside of the box.
When you have talked hard things out it is well worth it. The other side offers new strength value and insight you would not have otherwise had. Even if it doesn't go well or go as planned. There is more harm in leaving it a taboo; taking away the agency due to rigid conformity to rules that are not always correct.
I am a free thinker I suppose and I suppose in a world of conformity that is a lonely place to be.
I understand the need and value of conformity and I conform when needed and most often for the sake of others but to be able to think and discuss things openly and freely; it is a hidden treasure that is all to often buried and lost.
 A conversation would be so helpful for me.
I am taking a clinic on the defensive cycles of communication. Doing what I can to become a better communicator because obviously I make mistakes but connecting with and understanding others is important to me.
... Now back on track to my original thoughts...
Head injuries cause problems. I am more sensitive to sleep and those basic healthy patterns of diet, exercise and sleep. I know this. It has been this was for a long time. But now it is even more so I feel. Though I am better. I can feel that I am better; my balance is better, I can write and communicate more effectively again, etc, I seem to be even more sensitive to those lifestyle patterns and stressors.
and right now it is a bit hard, sad and confusing because I once again have to figure out what to do with myself when I grow up. I love kids. I love working with kids but every time I substitute or if my class of snowboarders is to big I will have a head ache by 3:00 (or sooner) and then little to no reserves left to take care of my family, my house or myself. Often I will take a 30-45 minute nap and that will help but my mood stability is compromised at that point and I cry easy, I become impatient, I am forgetful and whatever else.
I am sad and confused about this because I once again have to figure out what to do with my life. How to move forward. I have to decide if I can or should even try to go back to teaching. Am I capable of it anymore? I likely could and find a balance, but I am not sure that it is worth it and honestly I am not sure how effective I would be... probably still a good teacher but I'd likely end up in trouble because I'd focus on the kids at the expense of all the political, grades, and paper work proofs they keep piling onto teachers. And no doubt I will end each day with a headache as I try to manage 30+ kids and all of their different learning styles at the same time everyday...
As I write this my internal tenacity is pushing back and a determination to try might be building... But...if I try and I find myself failing... I don't think that is a hit I can take.  I'd sure like some good sound advice in this and other decisions I need to be making right now...
And likely the biggest problem form me right now is how screwed up my sleep cycle is after whatever weird reaction (manic-like) I had to being dropped by my therapist and then the time changes of Italy and back.