Two posts today. Read the first posted first and this will make more sense. But I think this post needed to be split.
I am happy.
I am easy going.
I love to do things.
I love to play.
I love adventure.
I love people.
I am intelligent and rational.
I like having a family and home (usually)
I believe in humanity.
I am friendly, though I can be shy and reserved.
I am not super neat and tiddy.
Sometimes I say stupid things.
Sometimes I don't want to fight.
Sometimes maybe I hide when I should not.
Sometimes I avoid things.
I am a bit lazy.
And I am NOT crafty.
...and many other things.
that is me and I am ok with that.
But I am also hypersensitve and I have to watch that closely. My deep thinking can get me in trouble and I have to watch that. I can be over the top, angry, slap happy for no reason at inappropraite times, and ridiculous. Darkness can creep in. I can have some serious anxiety...
...and many more things.
But that is not me.
And when those things start becoming me, when it takes all I've got to keep myself in check. When I become too affacted by every song, picture, movie, book, dialogue, I am exposed to then I can know that I might be loosing myself in my chemistry.
I don't think everyone has had that opportunity to develop their identity. I don't think everyone has been able to feel "normal" and if you don't have that to go back to then how can you? If you have never had a rational thought in your life then is there hope?
I don't know.
I suppose my ideal would be that people with mental ailments might be able to at least identify who they want to be and then do what ever is necessary to get there. Comprimisses will likely be necessary and we are likely, in our less-then stable and rational states, to have an unrealistic picture of who we would like to be. But maybe there is at least some hope for some of us in treating the issues at hand.
It is easy to say and believe it is possible from this side of the glass anyway.
And yet that statement could at least give hope to those who are not yet on this side of the glass.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Monday, December 27, 2010
Holiday Blues.
I'm not sure if it is too much sugar, not enough veggies, lack of exercises and sun or just me (OK I know better it is linked to all of that).
But I feel a bit low. Sometimes I feel "depressed" at the prospect of being "depressed" and that is just stupid.
I still DISLIKE taking medication. Sometimes I feel a bit numb and I often wonder do I really honestly need this? And WHY?
I think I can fix it on my own... even still and probably more and more as I am "normalized." My smart little brain knows that there is really no such thing as "normal" so why am I medicating.
I'll be honest, I greatly dislike the depression and I think I am probably more willing to continue on medication to keep those nasty feelings away. Every now and again I get a little wave of it, and I can tell you that it is most certainly physical. I've waken with that dark, anxious, nastiness and just thinking about it makes me want to cry. I hate to say it and I know that life is not fair and also that I've got much that I am so blessed with (my list would be too long to publish) but my mind still is thinking it at the moment... it's not fair. I said it... I know that one really never knows but it is easy to know that some really do not know those demons of death and darkness.
blah blah, this my whining for the day.
But sometimes I feel sad at the prospects before me and some of my beloved family members (like my very intense five year old son who has already made references to death as an escape, and no, he has not heard it from us. He will be an entry focus another time). What will happen to me in the insanity of the world and my own mind? Must I be medicated? I just want to be free. But I am sure that is the desire of most people in this world, just for different reasons and trails.
I guess that is where some of the longing for death comes from. Though I don't feel it now, my logical brain recognizes it. It also recognize that though we have all sorts of religions and various beliefs of the after life we really don't know what awaits us and "freedom" in death could be nothing more then an illusion.
I feel better writing.
Thanks to anyone who cares to listen. Thanks even more to anyone that feels what I am saying.
I quite liked my blog background today... Maybe it will stay awhile after all.
But I feel a bit low. Sometimes I feel "depressed" at the prospect of being "depressed" and that is just stupid.
I still DISLIKE taking medication. Sometimes I feel a bit numb and I often wonder do I really honestly need this? And WHY?
I think I can fix it on my own... even still and probably more and more as I am "normalized." My smart little brain knows that there is really no such thing as "normal" so why am I medicating.
I'll be honest, I greatly dislike the depression and I think I am probably more willing to continue on medication to keep those nasty feelings away. Every now and again I get a little wave of it, and I can tell you that it is most certainly physical. I've waken with that dark, anxious, nastiness and just thinking about it makes me want to cry. I hate to say it and I know that life is not fair and also that I've got much that I am so blessed with (my list would be too long to publish) but my mind still is thinking it at the moment... it's not fair. I said it... I know that one really never knows but it is easy to know that some really do not know those demons of death and darkness.
blah blah, this my whining for the day.
But sometimes I feel sad at the prospects before me and some of my beloved family members (like my very intense five year old son who has already made references to death as an escape, and no, he has not heard it from us. He will be an entry focus another time). What will happen to me in the insanity of the world and my own mind? Must I be medicated? I just want to be free. But I am sure that is the desire of most people in this world, just for different reasons and trails.
I guess that is where some of the longing for death comes from. Though I don't feel it now, my logical brain recognizes it. It also recognize that though we have all sorts of religions and various beliefs of the after life we really don't know what awaits us and "freedom" in death could be nothing more then an illusion.
I feel better writing.
Thanks to anyone who cares to listen. Thanks even more to anyone that feels what I am saying.
I quite liked my blog background today... Maybe it will stay awhile after all.
Monday, October 11, 2010
The other side of the glass
I remembered that I really don't like pink that much. I liked the design but it was just too pink and hurt my eyes invoking a tiny bit of nausea whenever I'd return to my blog. So I had to change my blog background.
Probably if I was really cool I'd create my own thing, but I'm not. So I pick from what is already available and that works just fine for me. There is always something that goes well with "Am I crazy" anyway.
So though I don't love the one I picked and it does not seem to be super reader friendly I picked it anyway because it reminded me of a time (not so long ago) when I felt very detached from life. I had explained it to my doctor as feeling like I was watching life through a window or from the other side of the glass.
I'll probably change it again soon.
Probably if I was really cool I'd create my own thing, but I'm not. So I pick from what is already available and that works just fine for me. There is always something that goes well with "Am I crazy" anyway.
So though I don't love the one I picked and it does not seem to be super reader friendly I picked it anyway because it reminded me of a time (not so long ago) when I felt very detached from life. I had explained it to my doctor as feeling like I was watching life through a window or from the other side of the glass.
I'll probably change it again soon.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
the realities of life
On another note. I miss my brother. The suicide aspect is a bigger struggle for me now then the first year. It may be because my mind and chemistry is straightened out enough that I am no longer relating so well.
I feel angry about it. It is helpful to know that is a normal and expected stage of grieving... considering my delayed development I may be angry at the forces that be for awhile.
Mostly I am sad, extremely sad about it.
I miss him and I hate knowing that he is not coming back. My heart aches because of how he died and that it was at his own hand.
I am having to face that it was not just a bad dream. I went through an extended period where I must have been half awake and half asleep because it really did seem like just a bad dream. I am pretty sure in my awake life; if it was just a bad dream then my asleep life would confirm as I dreamed about this bad dream that really wasn't so... I know, it's confusing.
But reality sinks further and further in. And my eyes well with tears often as I realize this new reality. I am so sad that I do not get to see him for the rest of my life. I am sad that even the dreams of him have become few and far between. They may just be dreams but it is always nice to see him. I was allowed a dream of him the other night... I woke myself up I was so excited to see him and hug him. I was sobbing as I woke and lost that moment.
I don't want to forget my brother...
I don't want him to get farther and farther away.
I feel angry about it. It is helpful to know that is a normal and expected stage of grieving... considering my delayed development I may be angry at the forces that be for awhile.
Mostly I am sad, extremely sad about it.
I miss him and I hate knowing that he is not coming back. My heart aches because of how he died and that it was at his own hand.
I am having to face that it was not just a bad dream. I went through an extended period where I must have been half awake and half asleep because it really did seem like just a bad dream. I am pretty sure in my awake life; if it was just a bad dream then my asleep life would confirm as I dreamed about this bad dream that really wasn't so... I know, it's confusing.
But reality sinks further and further in. And my eyes well with tears often as I realize this new reality. I am so sad that I do not get to see him for the rest of my life. I am sad that even the dreams of him have become few and far between. They may just be dreams but it is always nice to see him. I was allowed a dream of him the other night... I woke myself up I was so excited to see him and hug him. I was sobbing as I woke and lost that moment.
I don't want to forget my brother...
I don't want him to get farther and farther away.
"I like munnee"
I like to write.
I find it to be a good outlet.
Sometimes I write big ol' long e-mails. Sometimes they are answered and sometimes not. I am ok with either (usually) because I like to write anyway.
Sometimes I write random notes here and there.
Sometimes I write in journals
and sometimes on the computer like it's a journal.
I jot down ideas and epiphanies in random places to better hold on to them.
I like to read.
I sometimes like to read the things that I wrote.
I can see in the things that I wrote how I was feeling and who I was at the time of my writing.
I like to read the level me writings just fine. Sometimes they are interesting and sometimes dumb but they are easy and sometimes fun to read.
Sometimes my writings are very down and depressing. Sometimes they are angry or dark. I don't mind reading those. It often helps me feel good about where I am and the progress I have made. I can enjoy and appreciate life more knowing that I am not down like that.
Then there are the overly excited happy or anxious writings... The up writings (a bit of a manic undertone... or would it be overtone?)
I can't even make myself read those.
They are incredibly embarrassing... Though I find it hard to destroy or dispose of writings or pictures (it just feels wrong) I do occasionally throw those out in a thousand tiny pieces or even burn them.
...
And yet I felt so hyper, happy, obsessed, excited, spiritual and/or alive when I would have written such things.
...
That is all I have to say about that.
Except that sometimes I am an idiot and I hope that people can be patient. Maybe even understanding.
I find it to be a good outlet.
Sometimes I write big ol' long e-mails. Sometimes they are answered and sometimes not. I am ok with either (usually) because I like to write anyway.
Sometimes I write random notes here and there.
Sometimes I write in journals
and sometimes on the computer like it's a journal.
I jot down ideas and epiphanies in random places to better hold on to them.
I like to read.
I sometimes like to read the things that I wrote.
I can see in the things that I wrote how I was feeling and who I was at the time of my writing.
I like to read the level me writings just fine. Sometimes they are interesting and sometimes dumb but they are easy and sometimes fun to read.
Sometimes my writings are very down and depressing. Sometimes they are angry or dark. I don't mind reading those. It often helps me feel good about where I am and the progress I have made. I can enjoy and appreciate life more knowing that I am not down like that.
Then there are the overly excited happy or anxious writings... The up writings (a bit of a manic undertone... or would it be overtone?)
I can't even make myself read those.
They are incredibly embarrassing... Though I find it hard to destroy or dispose of writings or pictures (it just feels wrong) I do occasionally throw those out in a thousand tiny pieces or even burn them.
...
And yet I felt so hyper, happy, obsessed, excited, spiritual and/or alive when I would have written such things.
...
That is all I have to say about that.
Except that sometimes I am an idiot and I hope that people can be patient. Maybe even understanding.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
huh? (is it God versus mania)
So I don't write so much lately. That would be due to the fact that I am now officially pretty darn boring. My smiles are week and my eyes hardly glow when I want to radiate that smile that helps people realize they are some one special. My angry reactions are mild and easy to recover from. And that intensity that people can't help but see written all over my face is seldom there and only a blush of a transcript when it is there. I hardly have any good stories to tell or much to talk about at all other then the weather, my jobs and the kids.
... so I am boring I guess, although very busy.
Now I hope that I don't sound to disappointed because the reality is that I am pretty darn OK with it. I've said it before and I will say it again, It is a fair trade off.
I feel rather stable and sane. I might even be kind of normal.
But still at times it is a struggle to figure out what is what.
And today I am really only writing for a hurting friend from a forum (I still think everyone should be friends, at least in some form).
The forum subject mentioned is titled "Is it God... or is it Mania"
I recently googled bipolar and religion (though I do not claim bipolar, my Dr. is treating me for that but he has yet to officially "diagnose" me with anything... Which is probably why I like him so well. I hate diagnoses and have done much to avoid such things. Things are going well so really, truly there is no need.)
Back to my point. I googled the afformentioned because my most recent struggles have been with religion.
I care not to mention my religious affiliations, but I am seriously at a loss, once again trying to "figure" that whole thing out... again.
I am not so sure what I believe or what I should believe. God is no longer speaking to me and when He was I was going crazy (literally). I don't feel those spiritual highs and eternal truth of understandings but I can't entirely discredit the "light and knowledge" I was inspired with. I find that when I really start trying to "understand" it all (especially in regards to doctrines of religion) I start feeling pretty crappy about a lot of things and there is so much confusion that it almost always turns to frustration. It is not my lack of intelligence that causes this. I do in fact understand that one plus one equals two. Rather it is likely due to one plus one not always equaling two in some religious aspects and literature's (and that is not just in my current religion) as well as the idea that that is all now due to a lack of faith.
SO when God is speaking I am crazy and when he is not I am not good enough or not doing/being good enough as well as lacking in faith.
I dare not let my thoughts delve to deeply. I'd hate to undermine the current balance of medication and chemistry that I am so happy with. The balance that allows me the liberty of restricting my thoughts. Though depth has attracted me some attention, it is at a price and I am just not willing to pay that at this time in my life. Sometimes I wonder if that is "right." According to much of what I have been taught it is not and there in lies the perpetuation of the problem.
In summary. I have no idea who God really is and sometimes I am not sure if I want to know. However, I see absolutely no point in NOT believing in God and that can be explained if you wish but not now. I believe strongly and solidly in being good and having high standards and values. I see the importance of those very traditional core "family values" and I in no way wish to deviate from those. I would also like to see more of it in the world and I am quite confident if people would stop letting go of those and get back to some solid (old fashioned) values then we would have a much happier world. For that I am confident that religion is a good thing. But where do I draw the line and how do I know what the real answer to my prayers are?
What has been me and what has been God?
Well now, this turned into some rather guarded confessions of my heart.
Good night Big Big World of the Web.
... so I am boring I guess, although very busy.
Now I hope that I don't sound to disappointed because the reality is that I am pretty darn OK with it. I've said it before and I will say it again, It is a fair trade off.
I feel rather stable and sane. I might even be kind of normal.
But still at times it is a struggle to figure out what is what.
And today I am really only writing for a hurting friend from a forum (I still think everyone should be friends, at least in some form).
The forum subject mentioned is titled "Is it God... or is it Mania"
I recently googled bipolar and religion (though I do not claim bipolar, my Dr. is treating me for that but he has yet to officially "diagnose" me with anything... Which is probably why I like him so well. I hate diagnoses and have done much to avoid such things. Things are going well so really, truly there is no need.)
Back to my point. I googled the afformentioned because my most recent struggles have been with religion.
I care not to mention my religious affiliations, but I am seriously at a loss, once again trying to "figure" that whole thing out... again.
I am not so sure what I believe or what I should believe. God is no longer speaking to me and when He was I was going crazy (literally). I don't feel those spiritual highs and eternal truth of understandings but I can't entirely discredit the "light and knowledge" I was inspired with. I find that when I really start trying to "understand" it all (especially in regards to doctrines of religion) I start feeling pretty crappy about a lot of things and there is so much confusion that it almost always turns to frustration. It is not my lack of intelligence that causes this. I do in fact understand that one plus one equals two. Rather it is likely due to one plus one not always equaling two in some religious aspects and literature's (and that is not just in my current religion) as well as the idea that that is all now due to a lack of faith.
SO when God is speaking I am crazy and when he is not I am not good enough or not doing/being good enough as well as lacking in faith.
I dare not let my thoughts delve to deeply. I'd hate to undermine the current balance of medication and chemistry that I am so happy with. The balance that allows me the liberty of restricting my thoughts. Though depth has attracted me some attention, it is at a price and I am just not willing to pay that at this time in my life. Sometimes I wonder if that is "right." According to much of what I have been taught it is not and there in lies the perpetuation of the problem.
In summary. I have no idea who God really is and sometimes I am not sure if I want to know. However, I see absolutely no point in NOT believing in God and that can be explained if you wish but not now. I believe strongly and solidly in being good and having high standards and values. I see the importance of those very traditional core "family values" and I in no way wish to deviate from those. I would also like to see more of it in the world and I am quite confident if people would stop letting go of those and get back to some solid (old fashioned) values then we would have a much happier world. For that I am confident that religion is a good thing. But where do I draw the line and how do I know what the real answer to my prayers are?
What has been me and what has been God?
Well now, this turned into some rather guarded confessions of my heart.
Good night Big Big World of the Web.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
This is a response that I gave on a forum I found online awhile ago. I did not publish then because I do not like to label myself as bipolar especially since, as I have stated before, I have gone to great lengths to NOT be "diagnosed" (even if it is just that the Dr. I see knows that I don't want it so he won't outright say it)
But anyway here it is:
"I just googled bipolar and religion because I am going through very similar to what you are (or were) going through. I wanted to know if that was normal.
It is nice to hear that I am not alone. I am glad you posted.
It gets hard when some serious instability has some religious/spiritual roots. Stabilized on medication I no longer have the spiritual highs and divine inspirations/understandings that I once did, sometimes I miss it, but I also do not drop into the depths of Hell either. So I also tend to relate it all to mania. It is hard for me to know how much religion has played a role in that, especially being born and raised in a very strict religion that has extremely high expectations of it's members (not that that is "bad" it just has been a struggle for me personally in dealing with a disorder that I don't want to accept anyway).
It is hard to know what God wants of me.
I have also found some comfort in Buddhism, coming across it before medication this last time, but I to can still see links to that and some manic issues.
I am having some serious aversion and I am actively involved in my religion. Sometimes I find myself thinking "they are all a bunch of crazies" and yet I can't deny the good that being raised with high moral standards has been, which I know have helped me and saved me from a lot of pain (especially being mental the way that I am).
Anyway, I guess my point is that I appreciate your question and your own concerns. I also appreciate the comments that people shared, especially manic faith.
So I relate to your aversion, only since I have stayed actively involved in my church I am just finding it harder and harder to keep going. I just want to break away for awhile and try to come to terms with what I feel and not with all things that are swimming in my head of what others feel and believe and their convictions and fears... and yet my whole life I have been taught how dangerous that is so I am wracked with turmoil. But at least with the help of medication it is tolerable and I likely will not go "crazy" thinking about. I guess I just need to decide what is right for me right now and be OK with that. Who knows what the future holds.
I also agree it is not "all bad" but rather there is a lot of good maybe it is just hard to find the balance (especially coming from such an imbalanced state).
So thanks again and good luck to you."
But anyway here it is:
"I just googled bipolar and religion because I am going through very similar to what you are (or were) going through. I wanted to know if that was normal.
It is nice to hear that I am not alone. I am glad you posted.
It gets hard when some serious instability has some religious/spiritual roots. Stabilized on medication I no longer have the spiritual highs and divine inspirations/understandings that I once did, sometimes I miss it, but I also do not drop into the depths of Hell either. So I also tend to relate it all to mania. It is hard for me to know how much religion has played a role in that, especially being born and raised in a very strict religion that has extremely high expectations of it's members (not that that is "bad" it just has been a struggle for me personally in dealing with a disorder that I don't want to accept anyway).
It is hard to know what God wants of me.
I have also found some comfort in Buddhism, coming across it before medication this last time, but I to can still see links to that and some manic issues.
I am having some serious aversion and I am actively involved in my religion. Sometimes I find myself thinking "they are all a bunch of crazies" and yet I can't deny the good that being raised with high moral standards has been, which I know have helped me and saved me from a lot of pain (especially being mental the way that I am).
Anyway, I guess my point is that I appreciate your question and your own concerns. I also appreciate the comments that people shared, especially manic faith.
So I relate to your aversion, only since I have stayed actively involved in my church I am just finding it harder and harder to keep going. I just want to break away for awhile and try to come to terms with what I feel and not with all things that are swimming in my head of what others feel and believe and their convictions and fears... and yet my whole life I have been taught how dangerous that is so I am wracked with turmoil. But at least with the help of medication it is tolerable and I likely will not go "crazy" thinking about. I guess I just need to decide what is right for me right now and be OK with that. Who knows what the future holds.
I also agree it is not "all bad" but rather there is a lot of good maybe it is just hard to find the balance (especially coming from such an imbalanced state).
So thanks again and good luck to you."
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