I wrote this yesterday and I hope you will (or have) read the other blog I wrote in the morning of yesterday. This would be the evening me.

Today I went from somewhat euphoric to plain and uninterested and I am about as boring as any mortal could be. But for me it is not that boring because I rarely get to spend much time here.

This also is the time I turn on people, as my affections fade into nothing but being human and I am not always a great human. And so often all the feelings that I so freely share and so passionately feel are gone and I am left just feeling human. I am sure this is quite normal. But I really don't spend too much time here, feeling like this, this is when I just live and do. But though I always think it won't and I am always certain I have it beat, the next phase will be down, down, down and I'll be battling my worthless pathetic self that has somehow, once again, suckered me out of the good traits/aspects of me.
I am sooo, so much better then I used to be and really the cycles are at a much more manageable level and maybe I really will avoid the low this time but we'll see. Sometimes it is good to expect it because then I can remember I'll be up again pretty soon. It is getting better. though I do wish I wouldn't bounce between heaven, hell and mortality so much. It gets exhausting and I am not sure how much more my little body can take of this. One day at time.

That was yesterday.

And then tonight I've found myself down again. battling my worthless pathetic self. Confused once again by everything and not sure why nothing is working to pull me out of this.
I don't feel like laughing. Things are bothersome and my patience is short, and the tears come easily as I am overwhelmed by everything surrounding me and inside of me. I am sure that I am just a silly little girl but then why and where has all that conviction, passion, and confidence gone.
Here I am often sure that I am stupid and I have made all kinds of terrible mistakes. Here my best is obviously not good enough as everything I ever attempt is a failed attempt and a ridiculous idea in the first place. Here it is hard to know who the me (or anything for that matter) is that I am supposed to remain true to. Here I am not happy and I feel irritated.
I often wonder if I have fallen prey to the devil, though God is not quick to save me when I try to turn my heart over to Him (which is something I do regularly). I suppose that could be and suggest further evidence that there is a chemical and physiological issue here, as I am not willing to to give up on my belief in God. I see no point in that and truly it is an even more depressing thought.

This is also a very forgetful place as well where it is very easy to lose sight of many things... But now I can look back and remember, mostly because I have it documented now, or at least see that I have been through this before and with faith I can feel confident that I can come out of it again.
I still have some fight left in me yet and I will not go down without a fight.

Oh how lovely life is...

I will not be defeated! (there I feel a bit better already...)

ups and thanksgiving

I thought I might write.
I have been waking up a lot in the nights lately. Not as tired in the day. Not seeming to need as much sleep and even more productive.

I know what this can mean.

It does seem different in that when I am awake my mind is not completely stuck ruminating and obsessing on the same subject but rather wanders some what freely, contently contemplating some of the more interesting points of my life, while I lay relaxed and not much bothered by the fact that I am not asleep. I usually fall back to sleep, though I've been waking up easily an hour earlier on my own where I usually struggle to get up with the aid of the despised alarm.

I am happy in the day and I realize this could just be an "up". But I have yet to come crashing down. And over all I am calm and patient.

Though I do have my moments where I come down a bit or I feel the waive of chemistry that makes me shaky or a bit nervous, I am hoping that this cycle will become a bit more regular in my life.
I am hoping that the new medication that I am slowly, slowly introducing is keeping up with the excitement of life that we are currently experiencing. (it is a mood stabilizer)

I think I don't want to push it though, and I don't feel quite ready to tackle some of the bigger tasks at hand. Specifically writing about my brother, for the wise mantis, the rest of my family and hopefully the world.

I hope it will last. It seems a bit different.

Whether it be medication, interactions, lessons learned or a combination of it all, I am grateful.

and I thought I might share.

to the beat to a different drum

I'm thinking I may have written about this somewhere but I am not finding a title that matches and I do not wish to read through every thing I have written (Often I do not go back and read through as somethings are embarrassing to me. But in pursuit of truth and reality I don't feel it far to "edit," though the temptation would be irresistible with some of the dumb things I write). So this may or may not be a repeat.

I have been thinking about an experience I had a couple of years ago, not sure exactly how long ago but it was somewhere between after my son started walking and before I started taking medication again (so at least a year and a half ago but no more then three and a half years ago).
We went to a large park in a city where they have a wonderful man made river play area for kids. This is a very large park and it seems there is always a lot going on. We happened to be there on a Sunday which is when the local "hippies" participate in their version of a drum circle. (hippie would be what they call themselves, though I am not sure of the exact definition and if they really fit so that is why I put it in parentheses...and my mom was a Boston hippie of the 60's. Her sisters were at Woodstock).
The drums could be heard in the background of where the children and families were busy playing in the water. As we approached the water I was pleased with the sight of children playing and families being together. As my children started playing something started to sink in that something wasn't right. I was completely unsettled. I kept looking around trying to figure out what was bothering me. I wasn't seeing it. The drums were beating in the background. Something was definitely wrong and the children's laughter was starting to bother me. I was starting to feel a bit frantic, what was so wrong with this picture. The drums were still beating. I was agitated and just about panicked but everyone else was so calm and unaffected, nothing seemed wrong at all in there perfect little world. The drums were still beating....

Then I saw it, from a slightly elevated spot where I could hear the drums even better. Everyone, the kids and adults, were moving and playing right along with the beat of the drum. It was eerie and surreal. It made me incredibly uncomfortable to see these people all moving along with a beat which they seemed completely unaware of. I was relieved and more relaxed once I realized what was "wrong." But then I was also perplexed and somewhat agitated by how people seemed so unaware of how influenced they were by what most would consider background noise or harmless entertainment.

That would be an assumption though. Maybe they weren't so unaware, maybe it was part of the enjoyment for them. I was not moving to the beat of the drum and maybe that is why it bothered me so. I did not wish to be so easily influenced. Maybe it is evidence of my heightened sensitivities and intensities, or maybe I am much more defiant and non compliant. Maybe I just need to relax and enjoy the beat, easily blending into my surroundings. Maybe I just view the world a bit differently. Maybe the others just weren't bothered. Maybe they were and hid there agitation much better under a smile or looks of boredom. Maybe they view the world differently and it just heightened their experience. Maybe they were completely unaware, maybe they weren't. I am almost certain the children were. But they're are a lot of maybes here aren't there?

You be the judge.
Are you aware of the beat of the beat of the drum to which may or may not be following?

Embellishments

Recently my husband had shoulder surgery. He has been in a huge awkward sling for three weeks now. It is especially awkward for him because he is not the type who likes to draw attention to himself, especially the sympathy kind. He admitted that he was getting a bit tired of everyone noticing and all the stories everyone felt inclined to share with him about their own shoulder, knee, elbow, friend/relative or what ever.
"And they're always such a big deal," he says.
"Do you think they embellish," I ask.
"oh yeah, but everyone does," he adds.
He even claimed that he does from time to time.
Of course I had to contemplate, "do you think I do?"

"Actually no you really don't at all," was his thoughtful reply.
"If anything you minimize and down play."

Although I will confess that tonight I did find myself embellishing just a tad when my young children asked to hear a story about when I was a kid. I really don't remember very many good stories to tell and my son wants to hear a story every night (from when I was a kid)... If it's not exciting enough I'm stuck wracking my brain trying to remember another as he is not satisfied with simple, short or boring stories.

But I dare say that I typically don't embellish. I had made a conscious effort not to, for a very long time. It is not so conscious anymore, now it is just how I am. But I think it is good for people to know, especially when I expose myself so in the name of mental health awareness. I am most likely playing it down so keep that in mind as you read.

psychological thrillers and knowing better

Today I watched a "psychological thriller." In the day time.
I should know better.

I already have an appointment scheduled with the psychiatrist this upcoming Wednesday because I was suspecting I'm not quite right... I suppose I really do know better.

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation."

-Jenny Kerr (no idea who that is)

The Nature of the Beast

So I have been thinking...
I've been thinking about the nature of the beast. Often one who really needs to take medication for realities sake will wonder if it is really "right" and if they really should or need to. It is a huge struggle for loved ones to accept, especially after they have finally come to accept that there loved one really is "crazy," when that person decides they are fine and really don't need medication.

I will tell you that part of this decision (to go off) can be attributed to the fact that most people, on some level, are "mental." Often the feelings and behaviors or obsessive thoughts that required medication in the first place can be viewed as "normal." Especially when one is far away enough from the skewed reality, or far too deep into the skewed reality, to remember or realize how much more intense these issues were then what may be considered healthy.

Example: I would often feel overwhelming guilt.
People are right when they say that guilt is normal and healthy. Good for society even. But the farther away from the immense amounts of guilt I felt the easier it is to fall slowly back into some erred thinking patterns. Overwhelming guilt over everything wrong in the world, with the expectation put on oneself that any minor infraction or injustice you see and allow or don't fight, then you are just as responsible for is just not realistic to maintain and possibly magnified by a physiologically unstable or unbalanced state.

Another example: Before I started taking meds and and a major contributor as to why I swallowed my pride and got back on them would have been called "my temper." I would have angry out bursts, usually at my children as I could not hide from them and I am around them constantly. In a level state I do loose my patience occasionally but it is merely that and it is resolvable as me and my children aren't extremely traumatized. But without medication they were angry out bursts and the longer they went on the worse they were getting. I was convinced that I could control these but the harder I tried the worse they would get. Yet if I did not try at all that didn't help either. My rational mind would instantly flip and it frustrated me. I would try my darnedest but to no avail. In my attempts to "control" my temper I would find myself engulfed in guilt and misery, a kind that could easily justify ridding my children of myself (personally I don't think that suicide is the worst thing a person can do). Or worse I'd find myself justifying and/or rationalizing my unacceptable behavior. Fortunately for me I have been made aware that the trip to insanity is not usually an instant snap. Their are usually some warning signs and this can be one very obvious one.

In my opinion many deviant things that happen in this world are insanity and can only be explained as a result of some seriously out of whack chemistry that usually doesn't happen over night and is fed by many things. Paying particular attention to the state of media in general and what is widely accepted as acceptable forms of entertainment. They are not inherently bad but people really ought to be aware of what they are feeding in there pursuit of higher profits. Media is really the exploitation of body chemistry as it "appeals" to our senses and arouses reactions that we crave. So the continual pushing of the line has lead to a paradigm shift in values and what is acceptable. We are ever closer as a whole to complete chaos and complete insanity. I am a bit more sensitive than many but I am also somewhat intelligent. I see the need for values being taught and people being respectful of those things that might feed our instinctive or imaginative desires, that can be referred to as the "natural man." I see the need for a higher power and good will for humanity. I see the need for people to recognize the connection and distinction of the body, mind and spirit. There really is a need for balance between these three entities of being.

The nature of the beast (mental illness) is ill and it will cause ill will if left unchecked. As a society we have a responsibility to have values and to both teach and respect those. It is up to each of us individually to recognize when we may be "off" and keep it in check. That can be accomplished through various and numerous methods but ill behavior should never be justified, rather treated. The sooner that we recognize and treat our own "symptoms" the more manageable our mental health will be and a better results of treatment are likely.
And may I emphasize that it is increasingly important that we withhold judgement on the individual but rather treat the illness.

Welcome to the otherside

Being a genius isn't all it's cracked up to be. Having a truly open mind can create a black hole of a void. Being divinely directed can be exhausting. And knowing you must be so responsible with the powers you posses can also wear on one. It is not so easy to maintain invincible and immortal. It is quite time consuming. So sometimes it is OK to take a mortality pill that may make you boring and average at best. Sometimes boring and average are quite refreshing. Sometimes life can be much more enjoyable lived well within "the limits."