A comment to this article http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/05/27/army.suicides/index.html
and this one
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/05/28/soldiers-ordered-not-to-kill-themselves/
In December my younger brother died from a self inflicted gun shot wound. He had served in the Army National Guard spending some time deployed in Afghanistan. I think there are a lot of stigma changes and paradigm shifts that need to happen with mental illness ESPECIALLY in the military.
My brother was not on medication and was not seeking medical help and part of what contributed to that was the stigma associated. While active in the Military he took medication for a short time but would only allow himself that as he would not be able to continue in the military if he continued taking medication.
I have also been on medication for my mental health issue's. When I tried to join the military they would not take me because I was on an anti-depressant, I thought it silly and stupid that they would take a "crazy" person that neither recognizes nor addresses their "insanity" but they won't take some one who is choosing to address their "issues."
Another point is that my brother very likely had a personality disorder and it makes perfect sense for people with these types of disorders to join the military. Sort of a noble death wish if you will. That in and of it's self is not necessarily a bad thing and it's rather silly of the military to avoid these people but rather it seems it would make sense to utilize this personality type. In giving them the medical help they need with out the discrimination it would really make for a phenomenal military. I know my brother and I know what I am talking about, they (and we) would be an incredible asset to any branch of military but medical attention, education and acceptance in the arena of mental health is crucial and in a military setting would probably be fairly simple.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
ups and downs on a much more even scale
So I've had some down days. I think that is to be expected, especially considering I recently lost a brother whom I love.
I slept a lot, felt sad, unmotivated, and not terribly interested in much at all. I'd think of my brother and cry. I'd feel down, so I'd sleep... Depression... I even had a couple of days in which I felt my mind might be starting to undermine my medication. My focus was off, my nerves were starting to rise and I was feeling very sensitive to any possible slight. I realized that I had not been taking the best care of myself, eating horribly, not exercising much and lack of a regular bedtime seemed to be getting to me. I'm changing those back to a more healthy standard and I am already feeling the level difference. I seem to be following the same cycle of ups and downs and in betweens, only now it is manageable. It feels...umm...how'd you say... uh "normal." It is nice. I got excited again last night just realizing how manageable a couple of days of excessive day sleeping were and that they have not turned me into the beastliest of creatures.
To those who have had the fortune or misfortune of being around me, may you know we are very fortunate that I have worked so danged hard to keep myself in line. Had I not been aware and worked so hard at it, I'd have been a complete nutcase, seriously! I think that my own self awareness and the logging of it will help me to avoid the common pitfall of quiting medication too soon because "I am fine." So it is with that, that I will stress the value of education and societal values and standards... though I'm probably still a rebel of societal expectations on some level and forms.
I slept a lot, felt sad, unmotivated, and not terribly interested in much at all. I'd think of my brother and cry. I'd feel down, so I'd sleep... Depression... I even had a couple of days in which I felt my mind might be starting to undermine my medication. My focus was off, my nerves were starting to rise and I was feeling very sensitive to any possible slight. I realized that I had not been taking the best care of myself, eating horribly, not exercising much and lack of a regular bedtime seemed to be getting to me. I'm changing those back to a more healthy standard and I am already feeling the level difference. I seem to be following the same cycle of ups and downs and in betweens, only now it is manageable. It feels...umm...how'd you say... uh "normal." It is nice. I got excited again last night just realizing how manageable a couple of days of excessive day sleeping were and that they have not turned me into the beastliest of creatures.
To those who have had the fortune or misfortune of being around me, may you know we are very fortunate that I have worked so danged hard to keep myself in line. Had I not been aware and worked so hard at it, I'd have been a complete nutcase, seriously! I think that my own self awareness and the logging of it will help me to avoid the common pitfall of quiting medication too soon because "I am fine." So it is with that, that I will stress the value of education and societal values and standards... though I'm probably still a rebel of societal expectations on some level and forms.
Monday, June 1, 2009
I suppose...
I suppose if I found somebody who could and would actually keep up with me, that might be terribly frightening... I suppose
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Lesson Learned
Here is another blog entry I wrote awhile ago and wanted to edit, possibly re-write, but I have determined that I am not that great a writer and I'd rather get this one out then make more (then about two...maybe three) pathetic attempts at "perfection." (or is it four?)
So though it is not yet what I want it to be I will share my lesson learned with flaws and all.
I'd like to share one of the most valuable lessons I have learned from an individual. It is as lesson I learned the night I got to spend in the waiting room of a Mental Health Facility in Florida. I mentioned this stay in my blog entry "the story of my crazy little life."
Remember I was an eighteen year old Utah raised girl in a Mental Health Facility in Riviera Beach Florida being held against my will, but not entirely unjustly.
Everyone who was brought there had to wait in the waiting room until they could be evaluated by the psychiatrist and determined if they were "safe" to leave. I was brought in in the very early evening, shortly after the psychiatrist had left and she would not be returning until the next morning, if they needed her, and since the next morning was Easter Sunday she insisted upon attending her Easter Services ( though a bit annoying to me at the moment, I admired and appreciated the priority she put on that. Really of all people, she should be there celebrating and honoring a second chance at life. I was glad she went).
But for those who had to wait the accommodations were; one enclosed room with two hospital like cots and the waiting room. As best I could tell the "bedroom" had been claimed by a frighteningly large and very strange woman and a very reclusive male that I remember very little about (so little that I have wondered if he was a figment of my imagination). Though they confiscated all weapons, belts, shoelaces and shoes I had no desire to sleep in an enclosed room under these circumstances even if the door didn't lock. The rest of us got to find a place among the benches and floors. I was fortunate enough to get a bench. Of course there was the security of one night "receptionist" watching over us from behind the counter. We were limited to the waiting room and a short hall that led to a padded room and a bathroom. I wondered if I might ever find myself in a padded room. It didn't look that bad, sterile but strangely comforting.
That night I made friends with a man (we'll call him Derek) whose mother had him "baker acted." The Baker Act was the statute that allowed a person to be held against there will until they were evaluated by psychiatrist if someone in authority or a close family member felt that they may be a threat to themselves or others. Another man (we'll call him Todd) who had been brought from the county jail for threatening suicide if they insisted on putting him into a cell with a man that he knew would kill him anyway (only in a much more brutal way). I actually felt very safe with these two interesting men.
Around 2:30 in the morning a police officer brought another man in that was talking from the get go and I was never entirely sure whom to. I wasn't as comfortable with this man and I felt very small and naive. He was not a large man himself and rather looked undernourished. I was struck with the idea that he might be homeless.
From the moment he got there this man seemed to be talking about the "voices that were telling me to do bad things." As I lay there on the bench, pretending to still be asleep, I remember thinking "this man is genuinely crazy, I wonder what they will do with him?" Just like the rest of us he got a blanket and a pillow and was to find a place to sleep in the waiting room with the rest of us.
"Huh, this could be interesting."
I have to admit I was a bit nervous. He took a bench/ or the floor in close proximity and proceeded to tell his story. I am not sure if he was telling me, Derek, or just whoever was listening or nobody at all, but his story was definitely the most exciting there that night.
He began talking about when the voices started to come back. He said at first they were easy to ignore and he'd acknowledge them and would then tell them to go away. He was hanging out with his friends (which was entertaining in and of itself trying to imagine what his friends might be like) when the voices started getting harder to ignore. They started to tell him to do bad things. He told them that he didn't want to and that they should go away. At first the they'd go away for a time, but then they wouldn't go away. They started asking him to hurt people. He said he didn't want to. They started getting louder. He started telling his friends that they needed to take him to the hospital because he didn't want to hurt anyone. The voices morphed into Jesus, but this man knew that Jesus wouldn't want him to hurt people so he told "the voice" that, and that he didn't want to hurt anyone. He raised his voice and got stern with his friends "YOU take me to the Hospital right now, before I hurt you."
I am not sure how many times he had to ask his friends to take him (he repeated himself a lot) or how long the whole thing took to transpire, but the police officer had brought him to "our" facility from the hospital. I listened intently and though I was not sure if or what they did at the hospital, I hoped they would have done or given him something.
He was the first one to see the psychiatrist the next morning.
I remember being completely intrigued by the whole thing. It made me think, in fact it has ever sense. I have often thought "if this man, as crazy as he was, could learn to recognize this and maintain some values and self control then I could learn to deal with my issues, maintain some sense of self and be responsible for my actions." I could learn to recognize if I was creeping close to the edge. I think this experience has also contributed significantly to my realizing the importance of maintaining and teaching values on and in all levels of society. As our minds approach deviance from some very important core values I think it is import to keep them in check and get help before the "voices or feelings" get too loud.
This was and is a valuable lesson learned. I have sense been fortunate enough to have "coincidental" interactions and situations that have helped keep me ahead of the game (well at least ahead of some of the severity's). The old adage suggests that "an once of prevention is worth a pound of cure" and I strongly believe this is applicable to Mental illness and Mental Health as well.
I, personally, have been profoundly grateful for people who have been willing to talk about, write and/or share their stories and experience. It has helped me profoundly and personally and it helps to educate people in one of the final frontier's of medicine and health. I believe that through others stories, knowledge and help that we can better learn to treat and understand some very real physiological problems that as of yet cannot be tested by conventional means without greater risk to health and safety. The brain is a very powerful but also very delicate organ and it is not immune to malfunctions. That does NOT make a person less of a person.
These are some of my beliefs which, I suppose, is why I so strongly feel the desire to share my own experiences in both treating present symptoms and problems and preventing rapid progression of my own likely degenerate medical condition.
So though it is not yet what I want it to be I will share my lesson learned with flaws and all.
I'd like to share one of the most valuable lessons I have learned from an individual. It is as lesson I learned the night I got to spend in the waiting room of a Mental Health Facility in Florida. I mentioned this stay in my blog entry "the story of my crazy little life."
Remember I was an eighteen year old Utah raised girl in a Mental Health Facility in Riviera Beach Florida being held against my will, but not entirely unjustly.
Everyone who was brought there had to wait in the waiting room until they could be evaluated by the psychiatrist and determined if they were "safe" to leave. I was brought in in the very early evening, shortly after the psychiatrist had left and she would not be returning until the next morning, if they needed her, and since the next morning was Easter Sunday she insisted upon attending her Easter Services ( though a bit annoying to me at the moment, I admired and appreciated the priority she put on that. Really of all people, she should be there celebrating and honoring a second chance at life. I was glad she went).
But for those who had to wait the accommodations were; one enclosed room with two hospital like cots and the waiting room. As best I could tell the "bedroom" had been claimed by a frighteningly large and very strange woman and a very reclusive male that I remember very little about (so little that I have wondered if he was a figment of my imagination). Though they confiscated all weapons, belts, shoelaces and shoes I had no desire to sleep in an enclosed room under these circumstances even if the door didn't lock. The rest of us got to find a place among the benches and floors. I was fortunate enough to get a bench. Of course there was the security of one night "receptionist" watching over us from behind the counter. We were limited to the waiting room and a short hall that led to a padded room and a bathroom. I wondered if I might ever find myself in a padded room. It didn't look that bad, sterile but strangely comforting.
That night I made friends with a man (we'll call him Derek) whose mother had him "baker acted." The Baker Act was the statute that allowed a person to be held against there will until they were evaluated by psychiatrist if someone in authority or a close family member felt that they may be a threat to themselves or others. Another man (we'll call him Todd) who had been brought from the county jail for threatening suicide if they insisted on putting him into a cell with a man that he knew would kill him anyway (only in a much more brutal way). I actually felt very safe with these two interesting men.
Around 2:30 in the morning a police officer brought another man in that was talking from the get go and I was never entirely sure whom to. I wasn't as comfortable with this man and I felt very small and naive. He was not a large man himself and rather looked undernourished. I was struck with the idea that he might be homeless.
From the moment he got there this man seemed to be talking about the "voices that were telling me to do bad things." As I lay there on the bench, pretending to still be asleep, I remember thinking "this man is genuinely crazy, I wonder what they will do with him?" Just like the rest of us he got a blanket and a pillow and was to find a place to sleep in the waiting room with the rest of us.
"Huh, this could be interesting."
I have to admit I was a bit nervous. He took a bench/ or the floor in close proximity and proceeded to tell his story. I am not sure if he was telling me, Derek, or just whoever was listening or nobody at all, but his story was definitely the most exciting there that night.
He began talking about when the voices started to come back. He said at first they were easy to ignore and he'd acknowledge them and would then tell them to go away. He was hanging out with his friends (which was entertaining in and of itself trying to imagine what his friends might be like) when the voices started getting harder to ignore. They started to tell him to do bad things. He told them that he didn't want to and that they should go away. At first the they'd go away for a time, but then they wouldn't go away. They started asking him to hurt people. He said he didn't want to. They started getting louder. He started telling his friends that they needed to take him to the hospital because he didn't want to hurt anyone. The voices morphed into Jesus, but this man knew that Jesus wouldn't want him to hurt people so he told "the voice" that, and that he didn't want to hurt anyone. He raised his voice and got stern with his friends "YOU take me to the Hospital right now, before I hurt you."
I am not sure how many times he had to ask his friends to take him (he repeated himself a lot) or how long the whole thing took to transpire, but the police officer had brought him to "our" facility from the hospital. I listened intently and though I was not sure if or what they did at the hospital, I hoped they would have done or given him something.
He was the first one to see the psychiatrist the next morning.
I remember being completely intrigued by the whole thing. It made me think, in fact it has ever sense. I have often thought "if this man, as crazy as he was, could learn to recognize this and maintain some values and self control then I could learn to deal with my issues, maintain some sense of self and be responsible for my actions." I could learn to recognize if I was creeping close to the edge. I think this experience has also contributed significantly to my realizing the importance of maintaining and teaching values on and in all levels of society. As our minds approach deviance from some very important core values I think it is import to keep them in check and get help before the "voices or feelings" get too loud.
This was and is a valuable lesson learned. I have sense been fortunate enough to have "coincidental" interactions and situations that have helped keep me ahead of the game (well at least ahead of some of the severity's). The old adage suggests that "an once of prevention is worth a pound of cure" and I strongly believe this is applicable to Mental illness and Mental Health as well.
I, personally, have been profoundly grateful for people who have been willing to talk about, write and/or share their stories and experience. It has helped me profoundly and personally and it helps to educate people in one of the final frontier's of medicine and health. I believe that through others stories, knowledge and help that we can better learn to treat and understand some very real physiological problems that as of yet cannot be tested by conventional means without greater risk to health and safety. The brain is a very powerful but also very delicate organ and it is not immune to malfunctions. That does NOT make a person less of a person.
These are some of my beliefs which, I suppose, is why I so strongly feel the desire to share my own experiences in both treating present symptoms and problems and preventing rapid progression of my own likely degenerate medical condition.
devine intervention in it's simplest form
I have felt a bit down the last few days. I am discouraged by my brain and the uncertainty of modern medicine in this arena. I went online to blog out some of my discouragement but the AOL home page news links had an article about a lady whose limbs were at least three times that of a normal persons.
I have to admit, though I went to the article just out of mere curiosity, it did make me feel better. At least my ailments are not out there in everybody's face physically all of the time. So I suppose the Cosmo's still have a plan for me despite my recent feelings of discouragement, and once again I can say the world is a beautiful place, even with all it's imperfections.
May I send a sincere Thank you to Mandy Sellars, you have a beautiful smile and you are a beautiful person, Thanks.
I have to admit, though I went to the article just out of mere curiosity, it did make me feel better. At least my ailments are not out there in everybody's face physically all of the time. So I suppose the Cosmo's still have a plan for me despite my recent feelings of discouragement, and once again I can say the world is a beautiful place, even with all it's imperfections.
May I send a sincere Thank you to Mandy Sellars, you have a beautiful smile and you are a beautiful person, Thanks.
Monday, May 25, 2009
ramblings of "Truth"
Oh the beautiful mind that is mine... I am so very happy and pleased with my current state and stability, however I was once again reminded of how temporary it could potentially be. I am OK with that because why be anything else, it will only rush a POTENTIAL downfall (and may I remind you and myself that it is only that, a potential).
I am grateful to know the people that I know and everyday I learn something knew. I think that is cool and yet hard at times.
... I am writing to write today because I am perplexed over my cousin. I am pained by the confusion I believe I sense from him. I am pained by the devastation's he has and is recently facing that I myself will likely, and fortunately, never face. I can really appreciate his "beautiful mind" and how he has amazingly been able to utilize it to his advantage, which makes it no surprise that he, at times, might believe he has to figure it all out himself. (Thing is, he eventually will figure it out, likely not all on his own though.) But, oh the pain of the chemistry.
I do know that when we go through hard times we are often amazed at some of the feelings and emotions we face that we never could have anticipated or understood without going through it ourselves... and then, to top it all off, we are all individuals and even going through an exact same thing can effect people very differently.
I have another cousin who is also intelligent and talented in his own right but likely (and thankfully) lacking in the screwed up brain chemistry arena. Currently he is trying to make a career change and is dealing with a bit of internal conflict in that area. As he put it "sometimes I just wish someone would tell me what to do." I feel his pain but I also appreciate his optimism through it all.
...And I find myself thinking about how it is somewhere in between being told exactly what to do and trying to figure it all out for oneself that the answer and the truth lie. I am at least pretty certain of that AND I'll throw it out there because I am, in fact, willing to be wrong.
Maybe I have touched on this before, today I don't care to go back through my blog to see if I have, but I believe that is one of the Great Ironies of life; that the only way one can truly have the truth and have peace with truth is if one is willing to be wrong. It seems to me that it is most likely when a person is adamantly fighting a point and are unwilling to bend on their perspective, position or understanding that they are often wrong or at least some part of their belief is wrong. It would also seem that once we accept that "this is what I believe but I could be wrong" that is when we are really accepting and ready for truth. Often we were right all a long and sometimes we are not but the beauty of it is, in that state of mind, we are open to a higher truth. That is my opinion of course...but I could be wrong. (sorry, I couldn't resist)
So that is my write-to-write-and-ease-my-head-a-bit rambling for the day. May you laugh with me when I laugh at myself and may you have a lovely day.
I am grateful to know the people that I know and everyday I learn something knew. I think that is cool and yet hard at times.
... I am writing to write today because I am perplexed over my cousin. I am pained by the confusion I believe I sense from him. I am pained by the devastation's he has and is recently facing that I myself will likely, and fortunately, never face. I can really appreciate his "beautiful mind" and how he has amazingly been able to utilize it to his advantage, which makes it no surprise that he, at times, might believe he has to figure it all out himself. (Thing is, he eventually will figure it out, likely not all on his own though.) But, oh the pain of the chemistry.
I do know that when we go through hard times we are often amazed at some of the feelings and emotions we face that we never could have anticipated or understood without going through it ourselves... and then, to top it all off, we are all individuals and even going through an exact same thing can effect people very differently.
I have another cousin who is also intelligent and talented in his own right but likely (and thankfully) lacking in the screwed up brain chemistry arena. Currently he is trying to make a career change and is dealing with a bit of internal conflict in that area. As he put it "sometimes I just wish someone would tell me what to do." I feel his pain but I also appreciate his optimism through it all.
...And I find myself thinking about how it is somewhere in between being told exactly what to do and trying to figure it all out for oneself that the answer and the truth lie. I am at least pretty certain of that AND I'll throw it out there because I am, in fact, willing to be wrong.
Maybe I have touched on this before, today I don't care to go back through my blog to see if I have, but I believe that is one of the Great Ironies of life; that the only way one can truly have the truth and have peace with truth is if one is willing to be wrong. It seems to me that it is most likely when a person is adamantly fighting a point and are unwilling to bend on their perspective, position or understanding that they are often wrong or at least some part of their belief is wrong. It would also seem that once we accept that "this is what I believe but I could be wrong" that is when we are really accepting and ready for truth. Often we were right all a long and sometimes we are not but the beauty of it is, in that state of mind, we are open to a higher truth. That is my opinion of course...but I could be wrong. (sorry, I couldn't resist)
So that is my write-to-write-and-ease-my-head-a-bit rambling for the day. May you laugh with me when I laugh at myself and may you have a lovely day.
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