So here is something I have noticed about people: They often work like pendulums, often erring too far in the opposite direction to try and compensate for mistakes they have made. Or, maybe even more common, they swing to far the other way to try and compensate for mistakes others have made that they felt had a negative effect on them. Which often, ironically, leads to the very same outcome or something at least as "bad;" sometimes even worse.
I find that I pendulum swing.
At one point I was having a conversation with my husband about how I have been so insecure and how I have far too often allowed myself to be treated as a second class citizen. I told him that I hope I don't pendulum swing too far in the other directions as I try to figure out some of these very delicate psychological, psychological, social and cultural balances. He said, "you will." the following conversation proved that he was not saying this to be snide but rather letting me know that it was to be expected, allowed and even okay. He also expressed his confidence in me and my solving skills because he knows that I'll not stay too far one way but will continue to work to find an appropriate center. This conversation meant a lot to me.
And as I allow the pendulums of me to swing I think on
This innocence thing... and Occam's razor...
*
I can honestly argue both sides and I have. But what it really seems to come down to is that the term "ethical" is treated, within the industry and from people in positions of power, as if psychologists and doctors have exclusive rights, so what ever they deem is ethical is unquestionably accepted as such regardless of whether the taken action really is ethical or not.
Truthfully, if all were playing fair and according to the spirit of their laws, (not the easily convoluted the letters of the laws), they all know I should not have been treated the way I was, blamed and shamed, or accused of "behaving inappropriately" -which, by-the-way, is also quite stupid because they also have it documented that I was not being terminated for doing anything wrong.
...and considering what I was dealing with, handling and managing through, the only thing "inappropriate" about my behavior was that I wasn't "inappropriate" enough to keep them from being able to deny what I was physiologically going through and trying to manage.
It was so convoluted. and I don't want to dig up too much, but I have some things that are running through my head again that I think are worth writing about. Some of those things point to deviant and others point to not-so-deviant.
And I wonder if there was some pendulum swinging that led to Dear Dr. He's possible deviance with me.
I know my pendulum has been all over the place and while body chemistry is not swinging so wildly anymore I still have many troubles to balance out and as I try to compartmentalize and move on some things are nagging. There are issues here that are significant and relevant to more than just me. My situation exposes problems that need to be addressed on a much larger scale than just me and my situation. And as I try to figure out how this is to be done I feel it important to share a few of the remembered phrases that beg to be explained (not listed in order except the last):
"I do not believe in forever anymore"
"I told you not to try and solve this."
"You only see what I allow you to see."
"I could lose my license because of you"
"I wonder if sharing this [painting] with me is like exposing yourself to a lover for the first time?"
"I am not meant to be with just one woman."
"You love me?" (inflection of significance)
"I am a snake?" (inflection of significance)
"Do you want a hug?"
"I have tested your brain in ways you don't know"
"I don't do well with blurred boundaries"
"I do not need more friends"
"At least you have that outlet"
"I am good at connecting with people"
"I could never really open up and be vulnerable with you because I would always want to protect you"
"because of how easily we connected and you being an attractive woman I will never have anything to do with you outside of therapy because I could see myself falling in love with you"
"Unfortunately their is still a human element to all of this"
"Why, are you a stalker?"(inflection of significance)
"I would have to be okay with that"
"I am going to let it burn out and I suggest you do the same."
"I am okay with being wrong"
...
So many things said, this is not a complete list, and one could say, "Well taken out of context..." but they are also indications of deviance considering his knowledge and training.
Now I am going to make people uncomfortable with some common knowledge that common folks don't necessarily have but therapists do:
1. It is not uncommon for TBI survivors to become some level of promiscuous after TBI. People who work with TBI survivors know this.
2. TBI, especially in my specific locations, can affect impulse control.
3. One of the very common symptoms of mania is increased sex drive
.... And, dear friends, I have exposed enough of myself on this here blog and eluded to enough that I might has well be straightforward on this topic and openly confess that this was one of my symptoms associated with my mania. And it was intense. I am very lucky I did have an outlet. It may have even been the silver lining that saved my marriage.
I also have significant sympathy for those who have not been as fortunate as I in outlet and upbringing. I cannot even begin to imagine trying to manage that kind of hyper-arousal without a willing and able partner and solid standards and boundaries.
I believe because I was raised with strong and clear values and boundaries about sexual activity and because I do not have the psychological mess that comes with sexual abuse (that far too many girls have) my level of deviance in this area has not been very high after either TBI. My teen years were tricky, but I am proud to say I was a virgin until marriage (at the rip old age of 21) and I did not do anything sexually inappropriate with Dr. He (or any other man/person) even when the odds seemed stacked against me.
So could Dr. He, being a neuropsychologist and a psychologist/therapist before that, really have innocently said and done the things he did? Considering how he "held all the cards," was in a position of power, knows those 3 common symptoms, implied serious attraction (slyly neither confirmed nor denied but rather implied), and he asked if I wanted a hug, aka physical contact....
...Obviously he was not innocent or he would not have been concerned about loosing his license.
Yes, he knows better
and processing from stability makes it very clear, which also makes the avoided diagnosing, testing and treating accurately all that much more suspicious and deviant. My guess is that with my intelligence, experience, and my stability was much more threatening to them then my instability. In other words keeping me unstable made hiding their mistakes and deviance easier if I had been stable and/or stabilized. I didn't stand a chance going up against them in my instability, but in my stability I did. Does not matter that all I wanted was help in stabilizing and I was not interested in pursuing any type of action against them for their mistakes.
hmmm, the entire institution then appears to be deviant to an almost incomprehensible level, don't they?
And yet I still would give him the benefit of the doubt, had they not compromised my safety by denying mania and continuing down the path of misdiagnosis when those manic symptoms should have alerted them to what I had been trying to tell everyone all along; that there was something more going on with my head and that I felt I was manifesting better than my brain was really doing. MRI and doctors that are not trying to deny and hide have confirmed this.
But,
even still,
maybe due to the bizarre form of a Pollyanna that I am,
and having lived being me and not me due to head injury,
I know that things are often not as they seem and sometimes people really are much more innocent than they are manifesting ...
-and I even still, in spite of all that he has proven to me about how little regard he has for me, my health and my safety, I am trying to protect him and feel bad sharing so publicly the things he said that could get him into trouble, even though I know these conversations need to be had. Is it sad and silly that I would still wish to protect him and make amends with them? aah the oddities of human psychology-
sooo
My next blog entry will argue the other side
....Duhn Duhn Duhn...
to be continued...
*PLEASE NOTE: I would rather, and I have made every reasonable effort I could to, have the following conversation with Dr. He, and the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute, however, they have not only refused to allow any conversation about this or clarification on diagnosis and prognosis, but have also retaliated by tainting my medical records, terminating me form the entire facility and have a lawyer threaten me, using false allegations, in an attempt to quiet me about what happened to me there.
Wednesday, July 15, 2020
Monday, July 13, 2020
Dr. She and telling this story
Conversation with Attorney Friend has me processing all over again, which, honestly is kind of annoying, but still somehow helpful.
I talked with Dr. She today. She explains what Attorney Friend does not understand about my situation: that under the circumstances of his profession and training there is no such thing as innocent flirting. The only innocence can be from my side of things and they are trained to handle that. They know that not only is no flirting allowed but that it can also be very harmful to the client.
It is good that she explains this to me again and I see that, even though it is annoying, processing this again from my current mental state it is actually not a bad thing. I even had explained this without realizing how accurate I was to Attorney Friend; that ultimately as the rules for his profession stand they imply that any form of flirting by the therapist is a form of grooming.
I have a very clear understanding of this now and my processing is helping me still.
AND
Most exciting, I am not a mess. I can actually handle it this time and there have been no or almost no tears. This time my heart is still whole and my confidence holds.
I AM SO HAPPY about these details.
I point out to Dr. She that I have had to process this from so many different places, stages and phases.
And I also point out how the betrayal feels so widespread because of how vulnerable I really was and how unwilling anyone was to help or report. And why is that? Basically because it is so incomprehensible to people; therefore they would rather make you wrong.
Hell, I was even doing it to myself; constantly looking for reasons to believe and trust them when my best interest was the last thing they cared about.
Through fresh eyes, and armed with the power of knowledge and experience, I now KNOW he was very deviant in his intentions with me... He knows far too much to be able to claim innocence.
My intuition and many years of experience and education from the other side of the couch are not insignificant and should not be ignored.
I talked with Dr. She today. She explains what Attorney Friend does not understand about my situation: that under the circumstances of his profession and training there is no such thing as innocent flirting. The only innocence can be from my side of things and they are trained to handle that. They know that not only is no flirting allowed but that it can also be very harmful to the client.
It is good that she explains this to me again and I see that, even though it is annoying, processing this again from my current mental state it is actually not a bad thing. I even had explained this without realizing how accurate I was to Attorney Friend; that ultimately as the rules for his profession stand they imply that any form of flirting by the therapist is a form of grooming.
I have a very clear understanding of this now and my processing is helping me still.
AND
Most exciting, I am not a mess. I can actually handle it this time and there have been no or almost no tears. This time my heart is still whole and my confidence holds.
I AM SO HAPPY about these details.
I point out to Dr. She that I have had to process this from so many different places, stages and phases.
And I also point out how the betrayal feels so widespread because of how vulnerable I really was and how unwilling anyone was to help or report. And why is that? Basically because it is so incomprehensible to people; therefore they would rather make you wrong.
Hell, I was even doing it to myself; constantly looking for reasons to believe and trust them when my best interest was the last thing they cared about.
Through fresh eyes, and armed with the power of knowledge and experience, I now KNOW he was very deviant in his intentions with me... He knows far too much to be able to claim innocence.
My intuition and many years of experience and education from the other side of the couch are not insignificant and should not be ignored.
Saturday, July 11, 2020
Occam's razor - The Complexity of over Simplifying
Innocent and debatable....
maybe I am continuing that.
But holy crap, and other not so nice exclamatories,
what a mess I was in those days of the breaking of me by D -ea- r. Perri Cherie (Dr. He).
It was not at all fair.
...
I am writing again, The attempt at a book about my adventures in that Weird Wonderland.
I am very pleased to report that the burdens have lifted significantly. My review, to help lift the heavy burden of the need to warn others, has worked and is holding with minimal efforts.
I am glad for that.
And it is making it possible for me to write about out my very bizarre mind altered experiences without being triggered or breaking apart emotionally.
I am letting go.
While and by doing something about it.
But it has not been easy and when I go back and read the things I wrote at that point in breaking time it is very clear why.
...
Occam's razor
Attorney friend mentioned with the thought that maybe it really was as simple as he "was attracted to you and it is just not that hard to believe"
But Occam's razor as described by the wikipedia link is that the solution is simple. That would have been the problem, not the solution.
It is possible that was the main problem. And if the problem was that simple they may have oversimplified their solution to the problem: get rid of me.
Which, unfortunately, becomes very complex for me because that was not my problem, nor why I was there.
Honestly, in looking at it from the problem perspective and not the solution, I think this situation may be opposite of an Occam's razor in that the problem was not simple, but rather complex simply because of the sheer number of issues that came into play:
1. I had a TBI that was misdiagnosed or under diagnosed and this was still unknown or being denied at that point in time
2. I was dealing with a very real form of PTSD which
3. had me processing this head injury from both a childish and adult place
4. I was having memories return
5. Dr. He had some of his own emotional baggage he was dealing with
6. transference
7. countertransference
8. he had blurred boundaries with me
9. I did not realize #7 or the extent or reality of #8
10. I loved and trusted him maybe too much and for many reasons
11. He was not just a therapist for me but also a medical provider
12. He had developed feelings
13. He was scared and acting on his fears
14. I was paying for his services
15. My patient rights were denied but I was still expected to pay for services that I was not allowed clarification on
16. I was, in fact, manic and NO that is not debatable if the definition is what it is.
17. the simplicity of a therapist being attracted to a client is not allowed and is forbidden and taboo in the industry or psychology. It is also handled really stupidly in an overly simplified way that is simply abusive to the client. It is a perpetuation of problems, abuses and harm they have likely experienced in their past.
...
I am sure their are more
but my point is, it was not one simple problem which means utilizing the standard of one overly simplified solution was not likely the best or most responsible solution; that overly simplified solution being: the expectation of immediate termination it a therapist has not kept countertransference in check (as mentioned in problem 17).
A simple solution, yes. A good or responsible solution? HELL NO!
However, I do believe the best solution, especially if only one is allowed, was very simple:
Listen to me and treat me for the symptoms I was experiencing. They even have this as a solution as listed in their Patient Rights, but they refused to honor those for me.
That very simple solution would have made a world of difference. It would have ended the insanity quickly which would have brought me to this point of stability much quicker and with much less pain and trauma to myself, my kids, my husband, the institution itself and probably even Dear Perri Cherie.
and in all honesty
I think the solution is still rather simple, the Neuroscience Institute could actually respectfully try to talk with me and consider utilizing me and my expertise. They could learn, I could learn, and we could all work together to make some seriously needed and beneficial changes that could help them treat more people more effectively and really improve the outcomes for TBI survivors.
It really can be just that simple.
But alas, they have not allowed it to be, and have vilified me, which suggests that true simple problem really is deviant and their most simple solution was to cover and hide.
So, as much as I love this idea of the problem simply being an innocent attraction, it just is not so and,
going back to what I actually originally came on here to write about,
my documenting of what was happening to me, my "Self discovery report" proves this easily because I was clearly not of sound mind and not being treated correctly by the experts that had a responsibility and obligation to help me.
...
As far as the writing goes, that crap is intense and bizarre.
And as I try to write the book, about that time in my life, I realize, regardless of how embarrassing it is, I am going to have to include some of that crap in my book. I will need to include it because, in my right mind, I am incapable of effectively illustrating that level of intensity and insanity and any attempt will fall short in helping people to see the reality of what someone is truly experiencing when they are broken like I was.
...Yet, apparently, from an outside perspective I was managing well enough. ???
Psychologists and doctors still have a lot to learn and a very long way to go
and
It is not until they start listening to the other side, stop stigmatizing and negative stereotyping their patient/clients, and until they stop punishing, vilifying, ignoring, and/or feeling threatened by people who are actually managing their mental health/illnesses well that they will truly start progressing, improving diagnosis and treatment options, and helping people on a larger and more consistent scale.
And if Occam's razor applies to any of this, maybe it is in that way, because the most simple solution usually starts first with first seeking to understand (Covey).
maybe I am continuing that.
But holy crap, and other not so nice exclamatories,
what a mess I was in those days of the breaking of me by D -ea- r. Perri Cherie (Dr. He).
It was not at all fair.
...
I am writing again, The attempt at a book about my adventures in that Weird Wonderland.
I am very pleased to report that the burdens have lifted significantly. My review, to help lift the heavy burden of the need to warn others, has worked and is holding with minimal efforts.
I am glad for that.
And it is making it possible for me to write about out my very bizarre mind altered experiences without being triggered or breaking apart emotionally.
I am letting go.
While and by doing something about it.
But it has not been easy and when I go back and read the things I wrote at that point in breaking time it is very clear why.
...
Occam's razor
Attorney friend mentioned with the thought that maybe it really was as simple as he "was attracted to you and it is just not that hard to believe"
But Occam's razor as described by the wikipedia link is that the solution is simple. That would have been the problem, not the solution.
It is possible that was the main problem. And if the problem was that simple they may have oversimplified their solution to the problem: get rid of me.
Which, unfortunately, becomes very complex for me because that was not my problem, nor why I was there.
Honestly, in looking at it from the problem perspective and not the solution, I think this situation may be opposite of an Occam's razor in that the problem was not simple, but rather complex simply because of the sheer number of issues that came into play:
1. I had a TBI that was misdiagnosed or under diagnosed and this was still unknown or being denied at that point in time
2. I was dealing with a very real form of PTSD which
3. had me processing this head injury from both a childish and adult place
4. I was having memories return
5. Dr. He had some of his own emotional baggage he was dealing with
6. transference
7. countertransference
8. he had blurred boundaries with me
9. I did not realize #7 or the extent or reality of #8
10. I loved and trusted him maybe too much and for many reasons
11. He was not just a therapist for me but also a medical provider
12. He had developed feelings
13. He was scared and acting on his fears
14. I was paying for his services
15. My patient rights were denied but I was still expected to pay for services that I was not allowed clarification on
16. I was, in fact, manic and NO that is not debatable if the definition is what it is.
17. the simplicity of a therapist being attracted to a client is not allowed and is forbidden and taboo in the industry or psychology. It is also handled really stupidly in an overly simplified way that is simply abusive to the client. It is a perpetuation of problems, abuses and harm they have likely experienced in their past.
...
I am sure their are more
but my point is, it was not one simple problem which means utilizing the standard of one overly simplified solution was not likely the best or most responsible solution; that overly simplified solution being: the expectation of immediate termination it a therapist has not kept countertransference in check (as mentioned in problem 17).
A simple solution, yes. A good or responsible solution? HELL NO!
However, I do believe the best solution, especially if only one is allowed, was very simple:
Listen to me and treat me for the symptoms I was experiencing. They even have this as a solution as listed in their Patient Rights, but they refused to honor those for me.
That very simple solution would have made a world of difference. It would have ended the insanity quickly which would have brought me to this point of stability much quicker and with much less pain and trauma to myself, my kids, my husband, the institution itself and probably even Dear Perri Cherie.
and in all honesty
I think the solution is still rather simple, the Neuroscience Institute could actually respectfully try to talk with me and consider utilizing me and my expertise. They could learn, I could learn, and we could all work together to make some seriously needed and beneficial changes that could help them treat more people more effectively and really improve the outcomes for TBI survivors.
It really can be just that simple.
But alas, they have not allowed it to be, and have vilified me, which suggests that true simple problem really is deviant and their most simple solution was to cover and hide.
So, as much as I love this idea of the problem simply being an innocent attraction, it just is not so and,
going back to what I actually originally came on here to write about,
my documenting of what was happening to me, my "Self discovery report" proves this easily because I was clearly not of sound mind and not being treated correctly by the experts that had a responsibility and obligation to help me.
...
As far as the writing goes, that crap is intense and bizarre.
And as I try to write the book, about that time in my life, I realize, regardless of how embarrassing it is, I am going to have to include some of that crap in my book. I will need to include it because, in my right mind, I am incapable of effectively illustrating that level of intensity and insanity and any attempt will fall short in helping people to see the reality of what someone is truly experiencing when they are broken like I was.
...Yet, apparently, from an outside perspective I was managing well enough. ???
Psychologists and doctors still have a lot to learn and a very long way to go
and
It is not until they start listening to the other side, stop stigmatizing and negative stereotyping their patient/clients, and until they stop punishing, vilifying, ignoring, and/or feeling threatened by people who are actually managing their mental health/illnesses well that they will truly start progressing, improving diagnosis and treatment options, and helping people on a larger and more consistent scale.
And if Occam's razor applies to any of this, maybe it is in that way, because the most simple solution usually starts first with first seeking to understand (Covey).
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