Innocent
Unfortunately their is nothing innocent about how I was handled.
And the worst part is I have to constantly remember this. It is the battle my little brain and heart have to constantly duke out.
I cannot allow the tempting thoughts of innocence to creep back in
Because it breaks me in so many ways
that people just cannot understand unless they have experienced it.
There are a couple of haunting thoughts that are lingering.
1: this idea of it being a somewhat innocent flirting scenario. Sometimes I am so naive that I forget what this suggests about me; that I was there flirting and playing with that man. This subject can be debatable. I am playful and maybe I flirt more than I realize. My Peruvian friend had a name for this that I can't recall but that is given to women who are either really bad at flirting when they try to flirt and/or are super flirtatious without realizing they are. It was suggested that I may be the latter. Considering some of the things I was appalled to learn that my husband thought about me and my motives prior to marriage, I suppose I just might be that Peruvian slang term that sounds something like Gila monster but I don't remember.
However that, in a therapeutic relationship, is where the innocence ends. With me.
Therapists are not supposed to flirt. That is against their training and ethics. They are also supposed to be able to identify the different types of flirting and reasons for it if it is coming from their clients. I wonder how good the training and information on this is? Or if their training is heavily bias and it is something more akin to my previous blog entry titled "the Seductress" resulting in therapists mainly believing that a client is up to no good if they think the client is flirting. This may be the main interpretation within the industry, which in all reality, (and I will speak my opinion as if it were fact) is stupid.
To me, I thought of that man as a friend. Once upon a time I knew better, and fundamentally I knew better, but my brokenness and vulnerability had him pegged as that to me. I also did not consider myself to be any sort of threat or temptation. It was not until I broke, after he put distance between us after I spoke of how our work together had helped me in my relationship with my husband and he left me heartbroken and in tears with "unfortunately their is still a human element to all of this" that I ever even considered there might be something more there for him than a therapeutic relationship. I knew I was getting attached but I also knew (or thought I knew) that it ended there, being only reflective of my own feelings, his previous "flirtations" or suggestions nothing more than innocent playfulness or his professional testing of my feelings toward him. It never occurred to me that he may have actually been flirting or planting suggestions.
That moment that broke me was a beautiful and tragic moment that altered the course of everything. Now I realize that even in spite of ones training and expertise people do make mistakes, and I was genuinely okay with that. For this reason, even though he was trained to know and behave better I did believe it may have had some level of innocence and sincerity
but
I cannot now accept it as that because of how I was treated and handled. Even in that very moment. He was breaking me and he saw that I was hurting but he proceeded down that path. It may have been anger, fear, jealousy, self-preservation, or some other emotion that he was acting on, but ultimately I was being punished for his pain and suffering and that is where any innocence ends.
ESPECIALLY when that person is a medical provider and/or in a position of power over another. And his position of power over me was compounded and compounding as I was breaking. I was highly vulnerable in more than just one way, I loved and trusted him, he was a professional paid for service, he has a PhD - is trained and regarded as a specialist in his field, and the specialist that was especially relevant to me. He also is with an institution that has significant power and influence. IHC power within our state just may be to the degree of "absolute power corrupts absolutely." Therefore, flirting from his position with me was not innocent. And he knows it or he'd not have ever been concerned that he could loose his license because of me.
This is working out to be longer than I thought I needed it to be.
This means these thoughts and my innocent affections for him are wanting to be reinstated and entertained again and I am fighting to keep them at bay, because, as we have already established, they are neither wise nor healthy.
So I'll let this blog entry processing be. Even when so stable I have to keep fighting to keep my heart together and my mind free of the hauntings of He.
I will move onto haunting thought #2:
Attorney Friend said something about how the mania I experienced is debatable. Now I understand his point was that in a court and legal settings the Neuroscience Institute would bring in their own "experts" and make it debatable, but in reality people believing that mania is debatable is so completely stupid. I know because I was thinking along those same lines while I was living it. The reason I was thinking along those same lines was because Dear Dr. He missed or dismissed it and then in their "investigation" (to be read/said with the utmost sarcasm) they made it debatable.
AND there in lies the problem, trying to make an actual physiological and physical conditions debatable.
I was so jacked up. And I knew I was too much. I could physically feel my body chemistry surging. I was not sleeping, I was all kinds of crazy. It was fun, exciting, exhilarating, and beautiful at times, but those same things that made it feel like all of that were also very dangerous and bodies cannot maintain those kind of highs; whether they are happening biologically or as a response to artificially introduced chemicals, your body will burn up and burn out. Mine was not drug induced, it was biological broken brain and possibly careless therapist induced and insanely intense or intensely insane. But ask my husband and my kids and they can tell you it was not debatable.
It is stupid and obnoxious that people will try to label it as such. It is like saying diabetes is debatable, or even childbirth. Childbirth, I know, seems like a incompatible comparison here because childbirth results in the very-solid-evidence-form of a child, but I don't think it is so irrelevant because my mania resulted in the birth of a whole lot of physical evidence too... emails, this blog, some videos, the books worth of obsessive processing and writing that I brought with me to my last appointment with Dear Perri Cherie, to make sure "it," whatever "it" was, was not missed, my art, an expensive yellow Italian leather purse, Italian traffic tickets etc... There is physical evidence that was not there before and that does not come with or from a stable me. I mean really, who gives a crap about an Italian leather purse made in Italy? Maybe a lot of people do but I really don't, at least not at that price.
So while you or others may think it is debatable I know that it is not. I do not have the luxury of thinking or believing it is. To do so puts me in a very bad place.
In fact I believe making that kind of shit debatable is what leads to things like Laurie Vallow.
Just because a person is intelligent and can visibly manage the insanity of TBI, mania and/or other brain dysfunctions does not mean that the actual physiological problem does not exist or is debatable. If we are having psychological problems/symptoms don't try to make it debatable, Look into it and TREAT US. That is what an innocent man and institution would do.
Is that debatable too?
Maybe if we stopped making it so, then people would start listening and treating honestly.
Thursday, July 9, 2020
Tuesday, July 7, 2020
Tools and Toys
Tools
I think it might be worthwhile to dedicate my entries to tools. The tools I have and that I utilize that make me a success story in the world of Mental Health and TBI.
I also think I may need to explain the reality of my mental health related and TBI issues but I don't want to devote too much time to that today.
And I still like the idea of using this blog to continue to help me process as I write out some of my experiences, emotions and thinking.
So maybe todays highlighted tool is the tool of writing it out. It can be a very helpful process in sorting thoughts and feelings. When I allow myself to write it out it really helps me see and sort what I am experiencing internally. I can also use it to guide me into a direction. I can let it out and then turn it around. I can write to real and/or imagined audiences. I can be noble or selfish and all shades in between in my aspirations. etc. etc.
Today I met with my accident attorney who also is an old casual friend from junior high and high school. I am grateful to have him as my attorney. He is honest and forthright with me. He tells me the reality of the situation from what he knows on his side of things. He has also been quite patient with me when I was rather lost in alternate realities, when I was suspicious and untrusting of him as well, when I was sure I was going to need to dump him and try to settle things with the insurance company on my own because my whole world was falling apart and I felt I could not trust anyone nor afford them because I was certain I would be entirely alone soon. I am grateful he was patient and understanding as much as he could be when I later realized the errors of my unstable thinking and distrust of him.
Today I got to meet with him in person and we had good conversation. I love good conversation with people. We covered a lot of ground. Some relevant to my case with the car accident, some relevant to the malpractice pursuit and other just-conversation-stuff that wove in and out of relevance to why I was there.
At one point he asked if it is possible that what happened with Dr. He might have been mostly innocent. My friend gave me a bit of the male perspective, explaining how stupid men can be when they are ... not sure how to word this, I supposed sexually driven is the most direct route; but attracted and other words were closer to what he used. He wonders if it was a more innocent flirting kind of situation and that maybe, deep down, Mr. He hoped would go somewhere physical.
Here is where psychology gets funny, stupid and interesting.
I find myself testing this friend with words like, "do you really think I hold that much power?" "Do you really think I am that special? And that I am the only one?" and "Do you really think I am capable of breaking a neuropsychologist to that level?"
Intellectually we all know better than to believe this if we break down the reality of the situation and look at the level of his power position over me.
Yet men will suggest to me that I hold this kind of power.
Which, I have to admit, is really flattering. Especially coming from a ...hmm gotta think of a name for attorney friend... He is attractive, extremely intelligent and was always well known and well liked... And I can't seem to think of an appropriate name so I guess Attorney Friend will have to do.
... so; Especially coming form an Attorney Friend.
SO, naturally, (or not) I later found myself questioning my motives a bit. Was I fishing for the compliments? Was I fishing for his comment about how some women really do underestimate their appeal?
Maybe a little I was. I think if I am being completely honest I am certain that came into a subconscious play. But I was also truth seeking. Am I more than I think to men? I have come to accept that, at times, I probably am.
And it is tempting to believe that maybe it was that way with Dear Perri Cherie. That maybe it was pretty innocent and I really am all that and a bag of chips. I want that to be the truth.
but
but
But
Those are the motives I really have to question; My motives in believing that. First why would I want to believe that and second how does it benefit me in believing that?
1. It is flattering and fun to believe that about oneself.
2. I want to believe in the good in others and I want more than anything to believe that Mr. Cherie is all that I felt and believed he was.
3. I loved him and maybe if that is true there is still a chance that things can be worked out for the best for everyone... Maybe I really can get resolution there and with the Neuroscience Institute. Maybe I really could help them and they me. Maybe, if I try again, in a different form, they will listen this time...
and already do you see the slippery slope this kind of thinking and flattery absorption can start heading me down?
So what is the benefit in me believing that?
Believing this maybe can get me out of the burden of conscience that tells me I have to report him.
Other than that, in all reality, I don't think there are any other benefits to thinking that way.
However there are a whole lot of problems that come with thinking that way, especially considering the intensity of my feelings and perceptions and my trust and faith in him (and his institution).
So, though it may be tempting to allow myself to be so flattered, I do not think that is a good rabbit hole to head down.
So I counter with the facts and what I know from personal experience and research. And I find it is important to remember that he has shown time and time again, that he does not care, that it was not as I perceived it to be and that he will do anything, no matter the expense to me, to protect himself from the mistakes HE made with me (even though I was never a threat).
In reality I know I was simply a toy for him. When I broke from his games, he was scared and he did not care about what happened to me. He also knew, a bit too well, how to cover and hide his mistakes. The Institution he works for did not heed any red flags on my behalf. They did not listen to the symptoms I was manifesting, they jumped on the denial and trying to pass me off to others without a clear picture of exactly what they were passing off for and why. It was all a cover up. They made me out to be things I was not and he used everything he could against me.
In reality, even if it was something so flattering, I was the one who was absolutely blamed, shamed and stigmatized by the people who had absolute power over me and my records. They have the power to check whatever boxes they wanted. They have the power to make it difficult to figure anything out at all and they did, even when it broke me more and was literally burning me out and down.
That is not so flattering.
And in reality I know that we are never the only one.
So as much as I would love to believe that this man "innocently" fell for me, I know that is not the truth or the whole picture.
and
And
AND
People need to understand that psychologist are trained to know better and behave better. Even if it was innocent, it was not at all appropriate for the fault, burdens, and consequences of his irresponsibility to fall so heavily on me and me alone. He knows better. He knows better in a lot of ways. He knows he screwed me up and if he really truly does not, then he really truly is incompetent and maybe should to be removed for his position.
Attorney Friend and I talk about some of these points, though not all, and Attorney Friend recognizes the level differences in his position of power over me. We were not on a level playing field and even if, at one point/moment, we were, Dear Perri worked hard to imbalance that power again to his favor. Thus it became, not simply misunderstanding or innocent mistakes but an abuse of power.
Even my husband, who knows I am not a willing victim, has pointed out that it was not just simple misconduct or malpractice but it was abuse. Abuse of power and authority over another. Abuse of affections. And maybe even utilizing flattery to manipulate.
I wish I could believe the flattery but that only proves to hurt me and others.
I do wonder though, if maybe he can't let go of the flattery I was to him and his ego; the flattery of believing I was simply obsessed with him. Whatever it is, it has not been at all fair to me and that is not what people do to people they genuinely care about. That is not how honest or innocent doctors treat patients that they care about.
I was a toy.
That did not play the way he wanted me to.
That is all.
and I am processed out.
.
Tools in my belt:
Thinking things through
Being realistic
Ability to forgive
Ability to speak and listen with an open heart and an open mind
Honesty with myself
Balancing the flattery and criticism
Gratitude
Standing up and speaking out when necessary.
and patient Attorney Friends who take the time to be a friend when they can.
I think it might be worthwhile to dedicate my entries to tools. The tools I have and that I utilize that make me a success story in the world of Mental Health and TBI.
I also think I may need to explain the reality of my mental health related and TBI issues but I don't want to devote too much time to that today.
And I still like the idea of using this blog to continue to help me process as I write out some of my experiences, emotions and thinking.
So maybe todays highlighted tool is the tool of writing it out. It can be a very helpful process in sorting thoughts and feelings. When I allow myself to write it out it really helps me see and sort what I am experiencing internally. I can also use it to guide me into a direction. I can let it out and then turn it around. I can write to real and/or imagined audiences. I can be noble or selfish and all shades in between in my aspirations. etc. etc.
Today I met with my accident attorney who also is an old casual friend from junior high and high school. I am grateful to have him as my attorney. He is honest and forthright with me. He tells me the reality of the situation from what he knows on his side of things. He has also been quite patient with me when I was rather lost in alternate realities, when I was suspicious and untrusting of him as well, when I was sure I was going to need to dump him and try to settle things with the insurance company on my own because my whole world was falling apart and I felt I could not trust anyone nor afford them because I was certain I would be entirely alone soon. I am grateful he was patient and understanding as much as he could be when I later realized the errors of my unstable thinking and distrust of him.
Today I got to meet with him in person and we had good conversation. I love good conversation with people. We covered a lot of ground. Some relevant to my case with the car accident, some relevant to the malpractice pursuit and other just-conversation-stuff that wove in and out of relevance to why I was there.
At one point he asked if it is possible that what happened with Dr. He might have been mostly innocent. My friend gave me a bit of the male perspective, explaining how stupid men can be when they are ... not sure how to word this, I supposed sexually driven is the most direct route; but attracted and other words were closer to what he used. He wonders if it was a more innocent flirting kind of situation and that maybe, deep down, Mr. He hoped would go somewhere physical.
Here is where psychology gets funny, stupid and interesting.
I find myself testing this friend with words like, "do you really think I hold that much power?" "Do you really think I am that special? And that I am the only one?" and "Do you really think I am capable of breaking a neuropsychologist to that level?"
Intellectually we all know better than to believe this if we break down the reality of the situation and look at the level of his power position over me.
Yet men will suggest to me that I hold this kind of power.
Which, I have to admit, is really flattering. Especially coming from a ...hmm gotta think of a name for attorney friend... He is attractive, extremely intelligent and was always well known and well liked... And I can't seem to think of an appropriate name so I guess Attorney Friend will have to do.
... so; Especially coming form an Attorney Friend.
SO, naturally, (or not) I later found myself questioning my motives a bit. Was I fishing for the compliments? Was I fishing for his comment about how some women really do underestimate their appeal?
Maybe a little I was. I think if I am being completely honest I am certain that came into a subconscious play. But I was also truth seeking. Am I more than I think to men? I have come to accept that, at times, I probably am.
And it is tempting to believe that maybe it was that way with Dear Perri Cherie. That maybe it was pretty innocent and I really am all that and a bag of chips. I want that to be the truth.
but
but
But
Those are the motives I really have to question; My motives in believing that. First why would I want to believe that and second how does it benefit me in believing that?
1. It is flattering and fun to believe that about oneself.
2. I want to believe in the good in others and I want more than anything to believe that Mr. Cherie is all that I felt and believed he was.
3. I loved him and maybe if that is true there is still a chance that things can be worked out for the best for everyone... Maybe I really can get resolution there and with the Neuroscience Institute. Maybe I really could help them and they me. Maybe, if I try again, in a different form, they will listen this time...
and already do you see the slippery slope this kind of thinking and flattery absorption can start heading me down?
So what is the benefit in me believing that?
Believing this maybe can get me out of the burden of conscience that tells me I have to report him.
Other than that, in all reality, I don't think there are any other benefits to thinking that way.
However there are a whole lot of problems that come with thinking that way, especially considering the intensity of my feelings and perceptions and my trust and faith in him (and his institution).
So, though it may be tempting to allow myself to be so flattered, I do not think that is a good rabbit hole to head down.
So I counter with the facts and what I know from personal experience and research. And I find it is important to remember that he has shown time and time again, that he does not care, that it was not as I perceived it to be and that he will do anything, no matter the expense to me, to protect himself from the mistakes HE made with me (even though I was never a threat).
In reality I know I was simply a toy for him. When I broke from his games, he was scared and he did not care about what happened to me. He also knew, a bit too well, how to cover and hide his mistakes. The Institution he works for did not heed any red flags on my behalf. They did not listen to the symptoms I was manifesting, they jumped on the denial and trying to pass me off to others without a clear picture of exactly what they were passing off for and why. It was all a cover up. They made me out to be things I was not and he used everything he could against me.
In reality, even if it was something so flattering, I was the one who was absolutely blamed, shamed and stigmatized by the people who had absolute power over me and my records. They have the power to check whatever boxes they wanted. They have the power to make it difficult to figure anything out at all and they did, even when it broke me more and was literally burning me out and down.
That is not so flattering.
And in reality I know that we are never the only one.
So as much as I would love to believe that this man "innocently" fell for me, I know that is not the truth or the whole picture.
and
And
AND
People need to understand that psychologist are trained to know better and behave better. Even if it was innocent, it was not at all appropriate for the fault, burdens, and consequences of his irresponsibility to fall so heavily on me and me alone. He knows better. He knows better in a lot of ways. He knows he screwed me up and if he really truly does not, then he really truly is incompetent and maybe should to be removed for his position.
Attorney Friend and I talk about some of these points, though not all, and Attorney Friend recognizes the level differences in his position of power over me. We were not on a level playing field and even if, at one point/moment, we were, Dear Perri worked hard to imbalance that power again to his favor. Thus it became, not simply misunderstanding or innocent mistakes but an abuse of power.
Even my husband, who knows I am not a willing victim, has pointed out that it was not just simple misconduct or malpractice but it was abuse. Abuse of power and authority over another. Abuse of affections. And maybe even utilizing flattery to manipulate.
I wish I could believe the flattery but that only proves to hurt me and others.
I do wonder though, if maybe he can't let go of the flattery I was to him and his ego; the flattery of believing I was simply obsessed with him. Whatever it is, it has not been at all fair to me and that is not what people do to people they genuinely care about. That is not how honest or innocent doctors treat patients that they care about.
I was a toy.
That did not play the way he wanted me to.
That is all.
and I am processed out.
.
Tools in my belt:
Thinking things through
Being realistic
Ability to forgive
Ability to speak and listen with an open heart and an open mind
Honesty with myself
Balancing the flattery and criticism
Gratitude
Standing up and speaking out when necessary.
and patient Attorney Friends who take the time to be a friend when they can.
Monday, July 6, 2020
Sorrow and Passion
Life is so full of disappointments. You think you have chosen correctly. You think you are doing the right thing for yourself or your family only to have circumstances, completely beyond your control, stop your plans dead in their tracks.
Yesterday, while driving with my family, I noticed a Juniper looking tree that was perfectly tear drop shaped on one side while the other sides branches broke the perfect symmetry by jutting out just below the neck of the tear drop where the plump body begins to curve. Those branches took a shape more similar to fire than to water.
I thought it curious and I wanted to paint a shape like that.
Today, as I pondered our families most recent disappointment and heart break, I thought it might be a good time to allow myself to paint that shape.
This is one of my very few, somewhat intentional paintings. It is meant to be pondered.
I don’t claim talent or skill at painting, but I do believe it to be a healthy outlet and one of the more luxurious tools I am very fortunate and grateful to have in my tool belt. And I’m immensely grateful for my sister-in-law who introduced me to this tool and taught me how to utilize it in beneficial ways. 💕
Yesterday, while driving with my family, I noticed a Juniper looking tree that was perfectly tear drop shaped on one side while the other sides branches broke the perfect symmetry by jutting out just below the neck of the tear drop where the plump body begins to curve. Those branches took a shape more similar to fire than to water.
I thought it curious and I wanted to paint a shape like that.
Today, as I pondered our families most recent disappointment and heart break, I thought it might be a good time to allow myself to paint that shape.
This is one of my very few, somewhat intentional paintings. It is meant to be pondered.
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