Sometimes I have so much in my head I can't get any one thing done. Right now is like that but FORTUNATELY it is not the racing manic variety. Right now it is a matter of where to start and how to accomplish those things I feel are my life's purpose.
It is trying to keep straight all that I need to get back to, all that I need to start, and all that I have to do regularly everyday.
I have a lot to sort and make decisions about.
I need to prioritize and maybe even let go of some of my dreams and previous goals.
And sometimes that can be a bit overwhelming
especially for a brain that is inclined to be deficient in "executive functioning"
and that has lower cognitive stamina
but a whole lot of good ideas, hope, and passion etc.
blah blah blah...
So ramble, I will, because this free flow format is often more productive for me than my structured plans.
Dr. She
I like her.
Sometimes I am not sure if I can really trust her, but I keep choosing to anyway and that still seems to be most effective. Monday we covered a lot. I told her how I felt a bit betrayed by some of the wording in her neuropsychological evaluation of me. I told her how I felt a little betrayed by how she responded to the idea of me going back to school that day. I told her how I decided to handle and work through these issues in my mind. I told her how it is possible because medication is working and because I am not the negative stereotypes reported in the whatever test that has the negative wording. I told her how I realized some of my feelings of betrayal were exactly what she warned me about in regards to the wording of that one test report. We had some very good conversation. There were moments where I think she was a little nervous and concerned that I was misinterpreting her and her intentions. Their were moments I was worried she would misinterpret me and my intentions. But you know what? We worked through it.
Ahhh and big sigh of extra satisfied relief.
Now on to this idea of going back to get a masters or, preferably, a PHD in the field of psychology:
Dr. She has said so many things that have encouraged me and I was under the impression that she really liked this idea and even thought I could really make a difference, have an impact. This is why I felt a bit betrayed when she put so much emphasis on how hard it would be for me because of my deficits. It stung a bit. I had to make a choice.
My choice to trust her suggested to me the idea that maybe she just wanted to make sure I understood the reality.
She confirmed this in our conversation on Monday. She does not want me to go into it blind or with unrealistic expectations of myself because she fears how that might effect me. I am glad. And I am glad that her doubt was expressed because it also lit a bit of a fire as my internal dialogue boldly demanded, "well what the hell else am I going to do?"
You see, no matter what I do it is going to wear me out. That is the reality of my new norm. Any full time job is pretty unrealistic if I care to have any emotional stability or energy left for anything else. So I might as well do something I am passionate about, have a lot of experience with and knowledge about, and that I want to do.
I explained to Dr. She what I know and how I feel I will need to play to my strengths of experience. I reassured her that if that does not work then I don't want to be in the industry anyway.
She liked this idea of me utilizing and playing to my strength of experience and said something about how the industry loves a success story...
... and that there is what makes me smile
even tear up a little.
because
I AM a success story.
I have succeeded at managing and/or overcoming TBI, suicidal drives, depression, anxiety, a whole lot of negative thinking patterns, hypomania, PTSD, and mania -to name a few. None of those are small feats but the last, mania, that's an especially big deal that I am pretty proud of. Especially considering the context, circumstances and opposition I had.
And the suicidal stuff, I am pretty proud of that too because I have overcome and beat a significant many forms of that creature. Some very powerful.
And I am happy. I am grateful. I have a beautiful life, a sense of meaning, purpose, satisfaction and self.
So I am a success story!
I could end there, and maybe I should because the next point I would like to make merits its own venue and series,
but I will not end there because this next point is so important to my success I feel it should never be left out.
Over the last few days I have reflected on why and how I am a success story and I have come to find that I love my success story and how truly beautiful it is because it is not just me and my story;
My success story is a tapestry of so many people and influences.
I am only a success because of the help I have had from others.
Even when I was so very alone, I was not without assistance and I was not completely alone. I could have easily continued down the progressive path of isolation. I could have easily become absolutely alone, but I did not. Instead I continued to choose to let people in and to trust even when I knew I could not. I continued to fight to recognize the positives I had from other people past and present. As safe guarded as I was, and needed to be, I continued to reach out and I continued to try to connect with other people in positive ways. And fortunately enough people responded with enough positive regard. Fortunately I had built enough of a foundation of positive personal development with the help of others. Fortunately I had chosen to let into my mind and heart enough influence from professionals and people from so many walks of life that when I was at rock bottom I did have a solid foundation to build on, even if in that moment I really was completely alone.
There really is no such thing as an entirely self-made man.
Success is impossible to achieve entirely alone -unless being entirely alone and entirely self sufficient is a persons definition of success.
Ultimately we ARE all in this together and we need other people.
Ultimately my success is your success and that is exactly why I am a success story.
And what a truly beautiful story we are.
💕
Friday, July 3, 2020
Tuesday, June 30, 2020
Simply Put
If we want to actually help people with TBI and/or mental illnesses then the industries, doctors, therapist, and institutions that serve them need to stop perpetuating the negative stigmas and misconceptions,
They need to start having intelligent conversations with them,
AND
THEY HAVE GOT TO STOP PUNISHING PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY HANDLING/MANAGING THEIR MENTAL ILLNESSES AND/OR TBI WELL.
They need to start having intelligent conversations with them,
AND
THEY HAVE GOT TO STOP PUNISHING PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY HANDLING/MANAGING THEIR MENTAL ILLNESSES AND/OR TBI WELL.
Sunday, June 28, 2020
Intermountain Neuroscience Institute of Murray, Utah did not order a MRI for TBI
I went to the Neuroscience Institute for head injury and they didn't do any brain scans.
I am listening to Ted Talks, specifically this one: The most important lesson from 83,000 scans
I once read a book, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, by this same man Dr. Daniel Amen, and it was actaully life changing for me. Not only did it help me understand my own brain better and how to work with it I understood my husband, the poster child for ADHD, better and how to function better with him. So when Dr. Amen talks I listen.
In addition to this here are some other things I have learned about how our brains work:
As a human grows and develops their brain learns how to function differently. With adequate resources our brains can become quite effective and efficient processing machines. All brains will develop shortcuts and there has been enough scientific research done that we know that certain areas have certain jobs and/or are more efficient at accomplishing certain tasks.
With TBI and mTBI/concussion these systems are upset. The brain gets shaken and lit up. It does not process effectively and efficiently anymore. It may be able to get back to what it was before, but if areas are damaged enough, it cannot return to those pathways. A damaged brain has to learn new ways of functioning. It has to figure out new routes and shortcuts. It has to utilize different areas to accomplish the tasks it was able to do before using the now degraded area... as I write this I am simultaneously reflecting and it is starting to make some sense why initially I actually seemed to have some heightened abilities immediately after the car accident. It is like my daughter walking home on hear broken foot, adrenaline pumped by the pain of the break and the pain of knowing her cousin caused it (thought she did not mean to). Her bodies will to utilize it's last bit of strength and life before the reality of the break set in and she could not even put weight on it without significant pain. Likely worsened by the act of walking on it when it was broken.
My damaged brain may have acted similarly after the auto accident. I knew it was damaged, I knew it was not nothing, but a deep subconscious fear of being handled the way I had been when I experienced a broken brain like that before woke me and kept me functioning to deceptive levels. The adrenaline and endorphins, the muscle memory and life experiences kept the bleeding portions functioning at max capacity for as long as they could before they faded and died.
I could be wrong but I am fairly certain something like this really did happen in my head. MRI's done over two years after provide evidence of this. Thus, the long processing, ruminating, and solving is something that I cannot shut down. It is necessary. It is how my broken brain is working to find new routes and to try to reestablish the self that it was, or to create a new self that is efficient and comfortable that I can be happy with.
Broken brains require patience and support.
...All this long processing and trying to place exactly what went wrong and why, when it is so very simple:
I went to a Neuroscience Institute for a second head injury and they did not do a brain scan. Even as increased evidence surfaced that there was more going on then previously thought and even when I kept trying to tell them this.
How stupid is that?
One ex-friend (who ultimately was just afraid to defend), insisted I need to question my own motives. I do question my own motives, and I wish I could let the Neuroscience Institute be. But in reality? WHAT THE HELL? There is something very wrong with this picture isn't there? And then they blame, shame, stigmatize, slander, defame, and punish me for it? Yes, there is something very wrong with this picture.
And I wonder is the root of the problem with them just as simple as: Here in lies the problem with institutions practicing defensive medicine after one provider has made a mistake? Or here in lies the problem with doctors not listening to the experts from the other side of their profession? Or is it simply evidence of how lemming like people really are as they all followed suite after the first doctor made the mistake of misdiagnosing?
Maybe all three, but very clear and simple problems to address if only they would. It is by not, by refusing to be responsible citizens and acting with foolish fear and disregard for human life that harm is increased and perpetuated and societies/communities begin to break down.
I am listening to Ted Talks, specifically this one: The most important lesson from 83,000 scans
I once read a book, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, by this same man Dr. Daniel Amen, and it was actaully life changing for me. Not only did it help me understand my own brain better and how to work with it I understood my husband, the poster child for ADHD, better and how to function better with him. So when Dr. Amen talks I listen.
In addition to this here are some other things I have learned about how our brains work:
As a human grows and develops their brain learns how to function differently. With adequate resources our brains can become quite effective and efficient processing machines. All brains will develop shortcuts and there has been enough scientific research done that we know that certain areas have certain jobs and/or are more efficient at accomplishing certain tasks.
With TBI and mTBI/concussion these systems are upset. The brain gets shaken and lit up. It does not process effectively and efficiently anymore. It may be able to get back to what it was before, but if areas are damaged enough, it cannot return to those pathways. A damaged brain has to learn new ways of functioning. It has to figure out new routes and shortcuts. It has to utilize different areas to accomplish the tasks it was able to do before using the now degraded area... as I write this I am simultaneously reflecting and it is starting to make some sense why initially I actually seemed to have some heightened abilities immediately after the car accident. It is like my daughter walking home on hear broken foot, adrenaline pumped by the pain of the break and the pain of knowing her cousin caused it (thought she did not mean to). Her bodies will to utilize it's last bit of strength and life before the reality of the break set in and she could not even put weight on it without significant pain. Likely worsened by the act of walking on it when it was broken.
My damaged brain may have acted similarly after the auto accident. I knew it was damaged, I knew it was not nothing, but a deep subconscious fear of being handled the way I had been when I experienced a broken brain like that before woke me and kept me functioning to deceptive levels. The adrenaline and endorphins, the muscle memory and life experiences kept the bleeding portions functioning at max capacity for as long as they could before they faded and died.
I could be wrong but I am fairly certain something like this really did happen in my head. MRI's done over two years after provide evidence of this. Thus, the long processing, ruminating, and solving is something that I cannot shut down. It is necessary. It is how my broken brain is working to find new routes and to try to reestablish the self that it was, or to create a new self that is efficient and comfortable that I can be happy with.
Broken brains require patience and support.
...All this long processing and trying to place exactly what went wrong and why, when it is so very simple:
I went to a Neuroscience Institute for a second head injury and they did not do a brain scan. Even as increased evidence surfaced that there was more going on then previously thought and even when I kept trying to tell them this.
How stupid is that?
One ex-friend (who ultimately was just afraid to defend), insisted I need to question my own motives. I do question my own motives, and I wish I could let the Neuroscience Institute be. But in reality? WHAT THE HELL? There is something very wrong with this picture isn't there? And then they blame, shame, stigmatize, slander, defame, and punish me for it? Yes, there is something very wrong with this picture.
And I wonder is the root of the problem with them just as simple as: Here in lies the problem with institutions practicing defensive medicine after one provider has made a mistake? Or here in lies the problem with doctors not listening to the experts from the other side of their profession? Or is it simply evidence of how lemming like people really are as they all followed suite after the first doctor made the mistake of misdiagnosing?
Maybe all three, but very clear and simple problems to address if only they would. It is by not, by refusing to be responsible citizens and acting with foolish fear and disregard for human life that harm is increased and perpetuated and societies/communities begin to break down.
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