No Pain No Gain: when to push and when to back off

Dr. She says she is not surprised that I don't remember the medication. She says considering all the stress I was under and the medication itself it is not surprising or even all that concerning that I don't remember it.
I do feel better about it after this conversation.
We also talk about pain.
Renée and I talked about pain yesterday. I am so glad for that conversation. Renée calls me her mirror  sister because there are so many ways we mirror each other. It is funny that she has problems communicating and finding words at times because often she helps me find and/or remember mine.
Part of this pain theme that was discussed with both parties is the need to feel pain and that pain is a form of communication. We need to listen to what the pain is telling us. Sometimes it is telling us that something is wrong. Sometimes we need to push through while others times pain is what lets us know that we need to back off. Sometimes allowing ourselves to feel the pain is how we purge our system of the trouble that pain is an indication of. The pain I am feeling from rejection by people I love and care about is kind of like this. Even though I care about them they do not care about me, which hurts a lot, but also lets me know that they are not really friends or healthy people to have in my life. They reinforce negative core beliefs I have had about myself and this needs to be purged. Renée has beautifully taught me this.

Right now my hands, especially my thumbs are a good illustrations of pain, how it communicates to us and how to handle it. I am doing physical therapy now and the guy I am going to is amazing. If he were a horse trainer he'd be considered a horse whisperer, so I sometimes refer to him as the Hand Whisperer.
He has been causing a lot of pain to my right hand, it is still painful a lot but it is at a point in its healing that the pain needs to be pushed. He does not want to mess with the left hand much because it is still very broken. That break you can see on the x-ray. The right hand injury is older but amazingly it also did not break any bones, just a ligament or two...or more. The pictures is what it looks like today. Hand Whisperer taped it to help retrain and to help encourage swelling to go down in some areas that are still swollen. I am seriously amazed and impressed that through the stretching, exercising and a technique called myofascial release I have had instantly increased hand strength and less overall pain. It is most fascinating because the exercises and myofascial release techniques are painful. He is a causing pain and discomfort to both decrease pain and discomfort and increase strength and the results are amazingly fast and obvious. I have only had two PT appointments with the Hand Whisperer and already I can open things again using my right thumb and index finger. I could not before within the same day.
He is working wonders.
However if he did not have proper diagnosis and was pushing my left thumb the way he is now pushing my right thumb it would not lead to positive results but could very likely cause significantly more damage. And if you notice, although it was bruised at first it looked about the same as it does in the picture I took of it today when they took that x-ray.

This is what broken thumb looks like today

And this reminds me a lot of other broken parts I have that have experienced significant pain lately. Proper diagnosis really is crucial. 

One Thing Broken Brains do Right is Fight

While going through our medicine cabinet I found a prescription for Abilify (generic version) written to me from June of last year.

I found this very troubling.

It's been about two weeks... and it is still quietly nagging somewhere in the back

Because I don't remember it. But I do remember that Dr. She mentioned that medication having not worked for me in the letter she wrote to the psychiatric PA when she realized I needed that help and fast. I remember telling her that I had never taken that medication, at that point I did not know why she included that in the letter, where she came up with that idea....

This is really bothering my head. 

Because obviously it had been prescribed but I don't remember that and I don't remember if I tried taking it at all. 

It had been prescribed by my family practitioner PA. The one the noted "possible mania" the day after my last appointment with Dr. He, just before we were leaving to Italy. 

So I asked for the medical record notes from the day it was prescribed... but even with that, I don't remember her prescribing it or the conversation about it. 

There are 27.5 out of 30 10mg tablets left in the bottle. Which means I took 2.5... But I do not remember taking it at all

And this really bothers me.

I was such a mess I don't remember it.

I vaguely remember the appointment. She was the only provider I had left that was at least trying to help. But I think at that point I also thought she was not the "right" doctor for what was going on with me... I was still, somehow, insanely trusting the things said by Dr. Concussion -especially that I need a psychiatrist and neuropsychologist. In my brain (and most other people) they, meaning those at the Neuroscience Institute, were still the more qualified and appropriate doctors. I am not sure if that is why I only took 2 and 1/2 or if I really responded badly after only taking 2.5 tabs... I can not even pretend to know because I can't find the memory... And I was working a new job, and that was going badly. 

This bothers me.

I already feel broken and beat down. 

And I have to keep reminding myself that I am not as worthless as I feel. I have to keep trying to find the good and the positive in spite of the beat downs, lack of support, lack of concern, lack of friends, lack of a job.... and reminders of how screwed up my head really is. 

Today I am not winning.

And I am trying to remember how to pull out of this... But also realizing that maybe I have never been that good at it because I keep loosing...

loosing friends, loosing family, loosing confidence, loosing jobs, loosing ability and loosing with the people who say they are there to help. 

the common thread 

is me

Yes, I see

no need to point it out. 

No need to reinforce

I already know.

...and yet I still try to be kind and I still try to help and love others... even those who don't love me.

And I know that I am far better off than so many people in this messed up world...

But so many people, too many I know, are better off without me...

and I am tired of "getting it" 

maybe I am mad

maybe I am sad

or maybe I am bad

for not being what they all really want me to be

Gone

...

and I want to end there. I did. but my resilient and defiant broken little brain just yelled at them, "shut the fuck up you jack ass mother fuckers." 

Sorry, no edits this time. My brain is fighting for me and I am going to let it win even if it is ugly and unacceptable, even if it is angry, even if it isn't what everyone else wants me to be -even if it's not what I want me to be, look or sound like...

Because at least my brokenness is still fighting for me. 

Dear Doctors, TBI? DO AN MRI!!

So there are many things that many people don't seem to understand about my situation, including and most damaging, the medical providers. Here is the main thing:
I am still trying to piece together what really happened to me. What really happened to my brain and when.
Some people seem to think the "what really happened and when" doesn't or shouldn't matter. They think I need to look at it as "this is the brain injury you have, so now you deal with it."
Well, I am trying to. You would think that much would be obvious.
But even so, I sometimes feel very angry that they expect me to just accept that "we don't know" because the reality of the "we don't know" is that WE COULD HAVE KNOWN. We could have known exactly what the damage was from if they had done an MRI immediately after the car accident. We could have possibly known if the next two doctors I saw about it had ordered an MRI. And AND this is really kind of a big deal, WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN right away because the fact that I have permanent scaring suggests I was at very high risk for complications that were not being monitored.  Dr. Reddy (Concussion Dr. at the Neuroscience Institute) was wrong to not order an MRI herself even though it had been 4 months since the car accident before I could get to her, but she was right about one thing: I should not have been working (which led to my being fired from that job in a very unfair and traumatic way).
And honestly this is as far as I go tonight... I am tired of trying to figure it out and what to do about it and yet it seems so very important to figure out.
Soooo many things could have been prevented if that first doctor at the North Ogden IHC Instacare would have ordered an MRI... Actually, maybe first fail was with the ENT ambulance drivers that gave me the option to go in the ambulance or not. Don't expect a person who was clearly hit in the head, is overly emotional, confused, and is struggling to make a decisions, to make the decision about whether or not they should be taken to the hospital to have their head checked out.
And if you or anyone you know is ever in this predicament, please get your head checked out!