My mania is not angry

I choose this photo for the background because TP and human waste in wilderness area's angers me. My choice in response is to try to help educate people. Please pack out your TP and crap. 

Somethings are very hard to explain. Somethings are not so hard to explain but are nearly impossible for others to understand if they have never experienced it for themselves. 

Mania is both of those. 

My sister said something about my manic anger being the drive in pursuing action against the Neuroscience Institute... 

This made me angry.

Because it was much more likely that rational anger is what was actually preserving my life. 

The mania had me going back and trusting them when it was clear I could not and should not.

It was my mania that trusted them when they said it was not mania. Mania does not want to be seen for what it is. It wants to be your superhero, superpowers, and connection to God or higher powers, or, at times, it may even want to be the higher power itself. And it (mania) can be very convincing. 

My mania was sweet, happy, powerful, perceptive, and far too loving and forgiving. 

My mania kept trying to convince me that my heart now belonged to the therapist that broke me. That I belonged to the therapist that broke me. 

My mania recognized that I needed to be sacrificed for the man who loved me too much to have anything to do with me.

My mania, understanding that I had been there for me, knew that "it" was me and it wanted me to obey his suggestion of letting me burn out for him. ... the him who I now belonged to... the him that I knew I could not loose right then. The him that I tried to show the mania to but would not accept it as that. The him who need me gone...completely. 

Was it me or my mania that saw the yin and yang in his office and knew I was there to balance something out for him? Was it my mania that felt a power struggle?  

When I heard the inflection and noticed the light in his eyes spark when he asked "why, are you a stalker?" I knew that it was an epiphany- a way out for him. But I think it was my mania that believed it was a suggested way to reconnect after he "terminated" the professional side of things. 

Even when the evidence was showing that it had been an epiphany becuase he was clearly trying to make me out to be a stalker, my mania still held onto it's belief and even felt fed my his actions and denials, thinking it evidence that I was messing up by trying to go the more logical, appropriate and ethical routes that the Institute, he, and the rules that be, told me I should go. 

Mania made a mess for me in pursuing the "right" course of action.

And their denials of it simply fed it and I was progressively loosing me.

BUT fortunately for me, you can not gaslight what is already lit up so their dishonest gaslighting games and set ups were obvious to both my manic and not manic brain. 

This is both hard and easy to explain, but I'd say most people really don't get it... It is so easy to say, "just do this," or "just do that," and "it's really not such a big deal." 

But

Mania IS a BIG DEAL

It is a MAJOR BIG FUCKING DEAL

...and as much as I don't really want to use it, the F word is appropriate here because that is exactly what mania does. It rapes you, repeatedly, of your logic and rational thinking. It unlawfully warps your knowledge and turns you into a carnal creature that just can't get enough...

But most baffling to me is the calming drug like effect that man had on me... 

So Anger, as I have memed, is not a "bad" thing. It is not the emotion that had hurt me through this and is causing harm, rather anger may very well have been what pulled me out and saved me from the game playing and gaslighting of me by that man and his institution.

And here is a theory:

Maybe TBI survivors often struggle with anger after their TBI because anger is what pulled them through? 

Maybe we need to embrace our anger, see it for what it is, utilize it for what it is, and us it to help pull us through. It is not anger that is "good" or "bad" but rather it is how we choose to respond and what we choose to do with it. I believe all emotions are like that. 

...and because of mania, I have learned that happy, just like anger, can be deceptive and can also lead to "bad" things or "bad" choices. 

A Bursting Nut Shell? (maybe it is a manic nut)

1. Many people just can't seem to wrap their head around the difference between a LCSW and a doctor of neuropsychology. If you have been to a neuropsychologist that knows what they are doing, you will know easily that there is a big difference. A neuropsychologist really is most appropriate for diagnosable illnesses, complex cases, and head injuries. They know the medical and physiological stuff as well as what is realistic to expect from a person with certain conditions. They know how to help you understand what is physiologically and psychologically going on with your head. Sometimes so well that you wonder if they have the same condition (Dr. She is that good).

2. I am tired of feeling silenced and powerless to do anything. I am disgusted more now than I was before when I try to organize the evidence of malpractice that is my burden to prove if I expect any of the many wrongs of the Neuroscience Institute to be righted. Wrongs that effect insurance settlement, impressions of me, treatment options, and opportunities within the industry that I belong in. Wrongs that are dangerous to practice, and wrongs that were harmful to both me and my family. Wrongs that will for ever scar me and may have actually contributed to some of the physical harm that has befallen my head (bipolar, encephalomalacia with gliosis, and seizures)...

3. As I tire of waiting in silence for lawyers that are not filling me in, as I wait too long knowing that these very bad practices have not been addressed and are likely still going on, and since I want to move on but do not feel okay with turning a blind eye, I find my conscience increasingly burdened as I know the "right" thing is not the easy thing and I believe I need to be more publicly vocal about this.
But it is very hard to explain in a short and concise way that warns people of the dangers...

4. Now lets see if I can explain in a super condensed nut shell what happened with the Neuroscience Institute, people like to hear the story of it and get easily caught up in the drama of transference and countertransference but they fail to comprehend or believe the malpractice part of it.  They will happily use the very reason misdiagnosis was such a big deal to justify their disbelief of the shear insanity of what really did happened and how I really was mistreated.
My situation was not just a problem with a therapist who was offering "counseling services,"
The problem was that:
I was first under diagnosed by my TBI doctor who had asked to be my primary care provider for TBI and auto accident related injuries.
I had a neuropsychologist who broke me when he either lost objectivity due to countertransference (something he had strongly implied, but later denied) or because he was grooming and I had not responded they way he had wanted me to.
Trusting him completely, loving him, and not knowing what was really going on with him or my head I found myself in an even bigger mess when he completely missed or intentionally misdiagnosed me, ignoring the mania I was experiencing, to cover his indiscretions and boundary violations.
... crap right out of a movie, to hard to explain here...
 ...then I was mistreated for trying to address this with them, without getting anyone into trouble, and for asking for clarification. They would not allow for any conversation about what had happened and the unplanned outcome of my condition. I was put through a bogus investigation with the Patient Experiences and greatly misrepresented by my "patient advocate" who did not stop the investigation when I realized and told her I did not want understand the point of the investigation and did not want it to continue until I did. This was after she told me it was not likely to help me "but it would help other patients." I also told her I was afraid they would use it to reinforce the bad policies that had and were hurting me since I was never even granted a conversation with her in person or the person leading the investigation at all. ...again more movie like drama with things being said on the phone but not reported in any of their documents... and the director I was not allowed to talk to and would they would never name decided the misdiagnosis was accurate based solely on the fact that the man in question had said so, despite the other evidence, some of which they acknowledged in the report and after they refused to even read/include my side of the story that I had insisted they included if they were going to proceed with the investigation. The patient advocate stated that the director had said it would not have made a difference on his decision. In addition to denying transference and mania (the misdiagnosis of my condition), the report also included their declaration of there had not been any kind of "inappropriate relationship" and proceeded to explain their justification for that when, at that point, I was still being stupidly protective of said therapist (something he manipulated me to be) and had insisted myself that there had not been and that I did not want the investigation to be about that.  (I was naive and I was processing things from a strange psychological place of both an adult and a child due to the PTSD and flooding of memories I was experiencing at that same  time so I did not realize the inappropriateness of it or why said therapist said he could "loose his license because of you [me]")
After speaking with the therapist my doctor then feigned care when she was actually denying me proper medical care and referrals because (or at least the evidence suggest) they thought, or they wanted it to make it appear, that I was simply there pursuing the therapist that had now officially terminated me.
-more movie like insanity including the office director that yelled at me in front of my kids and denied me my records and a copy of the patient rights- no wait this was before the investigation- Just drama from the office staff and assistants and my doctor refusing to refer properly but trying to get me to leave.
After months of progressively fading into the insanity of my denied and underrated condition, I finally left, still loving and trusting all of them and thinking they would come to their senses and stop treating my like a liability when I was not. I finally realized I could not keep coming back.  (except the office director and the unnamed director, I did not love them at all and due to my compromised mental state I though they must be the real enemy that my doctors were so afraid of)
... More drama, appeal denied, gaslighting, and "terminated" from the entire facility for the very conditions and problems I had tried to talk with them about that they were denying.
...In a fight for my life and left alone to try and find appropriate help after my doctor had told me she would help me find a new team but then had her staff tell me she could not so go through my insurance...
..more drama... I am literally fighting to stay ahead of the voices that say I need to be sacrificed for him and them, that I am dying and need to die.
In the nick of time I find a new provider that right away see my deteriorating condition that was misdiagnosed and gets me appropriate care. As I am starting to improve I knew I had to report them but still wanted to believe in the institution and providers so made every reasonable effort to reconcile, allow for clarification, and to seek understanding, which resulted in my being threatened by a lawyer with harsh false allegations and threats to criminalize and penalize me if I did not stay quiet about all of this.
...There is just no short way to explain this... and all my attempts fall short so very short...

The good news

This here blog is loosing interest again. But I also don't solicit it much, and the spinning eddies my brain has gotten stuck in, I am sure, get old and boring for others which is fine by me.
And that is exactly what I want to share today -the fine by me-ness of how I am feeling lately and, as my beautiful friend Renée would say, "the good news."
I am so incredibly grateful for the stability of mind and chemistry I have been feeling lately and pray that it continues. I am so incredibly happy with the improvement and that I am continuing to improve in my mood stability and even confidence.
I have been able to write about being broken by a therapist and then punished for it by the institution that fosters him, and the reality of my loss of touch with reality, and it has not caused the ptsd style symptoms that I have previously experienced. My skin is getting thicker and where before I would have been so worried about offending people and being misunderstood now I just don't care and can say confidently "it's on them" when someone is acting like a jerk.
I feel like I am coming back, finding myself and developing who I am again.
This is so nice.
But the nicest is that I am feeling happy, excited about things, and confident but not high. I don't feel like I am going high again...
Oh my gosh it has been so long!
...so long that as I write and allow myself to savor and enjoy this joy I do start to feel a bit leery of it and I remember it is time to take those meds that will keep this enthusiasm in check.
It is a strange existence that I have but I am so very grateful for it because it makes boring and normal so much more enjoyable!!
aaah
 I just wanted to share. I hope that I can keep this momentum and help others find it too.
And I think it is also worth noting that I have felt more love and support lately. Also I have a new medical and psychological team that is working with me and for me. These things make such a big a difference.