Finding myself again.

No doubt this blog has become my processing and venting through hard times. Times that people,   mostly cannot understand, and often don't want to try, unless they have experienced similar or have family who has. As one fine person said to my dear friend Renée, "people don't get pissed until it happens to them."

And I will tell you many people would be very pissed if even half of this shit happened to them or a loved one. 

...Or dead. 

A lot would be dead. 

It has been damn hard and I just don't think people realize how difficult it can be to bounce back when you have to fear your confidence and ups. Maybe I don't have to fear them but I have to be hyper aware, it is scary, and it causes all sorts of difficulties when you know you cannot entirely trust yourself and your positive emotions...

but then again, this is where I just may be very much ahead of most! I am at least aware of how and when I cannot trust myself, and I am aware that most, in reality, cannot be trusted. I have learned that firsthand and harsh now. I also know that regardless, trust is a choice and we have to choose to trust even at times when we don't. We have to keep getting back up and opening ourselves back up. We have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable time and time again. 

and in so doing I am finding myself again. 

I am very grateful for the medication that is helping me bounce back easier than I currently can without it. I am grateful for the people in my life who are still loving me and helping me. Those who are not deciding to jump on the band wagon of those powers that be that say shit about me and get away with it because they have and do hold all of the cards and they can. So I am rambling much more than I meant to and probably it is a cathartic need I am still needing as I try to ramble back to the me that is worth celebrating, loving and being. 

I am finding me and being proud of who I am. Even if they are simple things. I am working on building me up. This is why I decided to take a picture of my messy craftsmanship.

One thing I can tell you about me is that I am not afraid to try things and I am not afraid of making a mess in the process. 

Learning is messy. 

There are no two ways about it, it is messy. 

And through trial and error we learn. 

We do not fail, we learn. 

and I think that is something very beautiful and special about me that I care to admit right now. So I am sharing a little snapshot of how I often work. 

The other day I noticed that the backsplash behind my kitchen sink needed to be to be re-grouted and/ or caulked. The fact that I knew what needed to be done and how is something I can be proud of. The back splash and granite were my choosing, the backsplash my work. I had help -that I was and am very grateful for- but ultimately it was started and finished by me and I love it. 

To fix this I first went to our on hand supplies. As luck would have it we just happened to have a textured caulk that matched so I found the caulking gun re-punctured the hole and got to work. It went on a bit thick but I knew how to handle that. Others may be able to do this with out making the mess that I do, but I don't really care, I know how to smooth it out, make a mess and then clean it up so it looks just fine. And I am proud of this.

I can make messes, but I can also clean them up and turn it into a fit and functional finished product.
And maybe that is just part of who I am and I am okay with that. Even proud.

Silver Linings

One thing I can say about all of the crazy in the world today,
is that when you have fought and conquered a crazy in your head
the stuff outside is really no big deal.
Corona will pass and people will die
because that is what happens in life, the only guarantee
maybe you and maybe me
and if it is people close I will be heart broken for sure,
if it is me I will be gone
but still we are humanity
and the only thing we really have to fear is fear it self
so all of this crazy
may shake me
literally
but my mind is not shaking
and I am hardly effected and hardly scared because
I already know how to handle life threatening crazy
:)

trying to stay ahead of dead

What to do when everyone is playing games except you?
You have to play too
if you want to make it through
...I guess
what mess.
Yesterday in conversation with my 16 year old daughter she is telling me, "if I do get married I'll know not to marry a guy like that," in reference to a "friend" that is being quite a jerk. But she tells me more, "and I couldn't marry a guy like dad either because he is too emotionally unavailable," she says.
We both love him very much, but she is correct. I think I may have said something like this to therapists before but I am fairly certain my daughter has never heard me say it. Her observation about that and other things she says tug at my heart strings. She is not saying it to be critical or complaining, it is just a matter of fact observation she is stating that she hopes to not have in her own potential marriage. And though this conversation causes mixed emotions it so very nice that somebody else sees and understands this, because it is hard and lonely often.
And that is all I have to say for today.
At least written here anyway.
Next I try to handle the fallout of things said
before going to bed
when my head
was fighting to stay ahead
of dead
...actually, at this point, I know there is nothing I can do to undo my broken moment.
If history and previous handling has taught me anything it is that it will be used against me and I knew it then and didn't care
so that is what I'll face.