I'm feeling things. Things that are really angering. I want to speak out. I want to stand up for myself... to people who don't want to hear, people who don't care. So I come here, to save myself from the pain I will inevitably feel in my rejected efforts to be heard.
Those friends that are being, and/or have been, kind of shitty friends through all this,... it is causing my brain to relive shit again.
Mainly the stupid comments of one friend with his narrowed suspicious eyes, "what are you up to?" he asks, wanting me to question my motives. I tried to explain, but he just kept at this weird suspicious therapist bs. Believe me, I have questioned my motives. It is why this is taking far too long. but since said conversation with x-friend
I have realized
#1 he had already decided whatever it was he had decided and no matter what I said he was not going to hear me
#2 I could not really address his concern very well because I actually have no freaking idea what it is he thinks I am up to that he claims is out of line with his "core values."
But I can tell you this; this questioning- that has led to reliving again- is shedding more light on the reality of the bullshit Dr. He fed me and how he manipulated me merely to protect himself.
It is not and was not me that people should be asking that question to. It is him. "What was Dr. He up to?"
What were the rest of them up to?
What are they up to?
It is extremely fishy and suspicious and Dr. He knew all to well how to manipulate things to his favor, how to get me into trouble for trying to protect him.
My middle fingers go up as I am once again reliving scenarios and hearing the words replay.
I know what your are up to... I did even when I was broken, even when I was fading, even when my heart loved him so very much that I could not and would not believe it. I caught him, in his trap, and he was terrified of me.
My guess
it was likely all three:
he played with me,
he broke me,
and he loved me
because I
could keep up
and maybe even stay ahead of him
and since he is a coward
he chooses to hate me for it
...because I just might be smarter than he -even broken-
and he wanted me
but he couldn’t have me.
At least not so easily
and not as the obedient toy he intended me to be
so he has to hate me
That is what I think just may be the reality
I don't want it to be. I want to be wrong. I hope I am wrong.
I don't think that highly of myself anyway
...but the evidence and behaviors, the way things were handled, the way they are still being handled
very strongly suggest otherwise. I don't want to be right... but I think it is more important to say these things and be wrong then to not say them and be right. If I am wrong we can talk and set the record straight... But they won't. Why?
If I am right... these things need to be brought to light and he needs to be stopped. The machine that is protecting him, the machine that may be frauds in the entirety, needs to be stopped and changed.
Sometimes I really hope I am wrong... but very often I am right.
...and sometimes I really hate when I am right...
The scrutiny
Where should it really be?
And yet I feel it doesn't really matter because they own the shoulds and hold all of the cards.
... I post this blog entry and then pull down at the slightest slight from a different source
...because I know some will think I need to be humbled
while others are just tired of hearing about it.
and yet others will most certainly use is against.
I am tired of thinking about it
I am tired of knowing what I know
but not knowing what to do about it and how to handle it
and feeling powerless.
I am not a victim
but yet I am
... yet so many others have been through so much worse
... so I should just shut up?
but my friend who has been through so sooo much more and so much worse is right;
others would not fair so well
they would not survive.
so it's back up it goes
so others who may be going through or have gone through similar may know
it is not you
it is them and
you too deserve to live too.
I'll keep speaking for the voiceless and those who have been abused by the systems and the people in them that they have trusted so completely.
https://qr.ae/TmRzyx
This problem is real and I am not an isolated incident, nor am I to blame. It is bigger than just this incident. it is bigger than just me...
Monday, February 3, 2020
Thursday, January 30, 2020
no straight lines
I am so very emotional today. I feel like I have regressed months as the tears just keep flowing. I find myself feeling a bit angry and annoyed with myself for this. I felt like I had made and was making so much progress. I even felt I was gaining some confidence...
But maybe sometimes I try to run faster than I am really capable of. sometimes I feel like I know the right answer and I know what to do but then it still hurts and is hard.
Like burning bridges.
Some bridges, I feel, really just need to be burned so I can't keep going back to them.
So I do the right thing, give people what they want, but then my stupid mind still goes back and I second guess.. or maybe I just hurt at the cold harsh realities of it, that it really is what they wanted or were pushing for, and they really don't care to understand; the harsh realities that come to the forefront during difficult times.
I am also still very much dealing with backlash. I have many people who witnessed me in mania and the mess that followed and they are now deciding if I am worth their time, effort and concern. They are deciding this now that I am not appearing to be in immediate danger/crises. Many were not there but were at least kind in their avoidance. Now I feel things from them that I am not understanding, I think it is reluctance.
I have one friend that I now work with. I actually got her the job. She is one of those strong personalities, quick whit type of person that everybody loves. She is and can be a lot of fun. I have known her a very long time. We were roommates in college, and, while she can be a lot of fun, I know some other sides of her. For one, she can be a pretty lousy friend. She almost always backs out of plans last minute and she is pretty shameless about replacing you. I also have had a sneaking suspicion that she may be saying crap about me to relieve maybe justify her being such a crappy friend when I have really needed people. I tell myself I am being paranoid... But then again, I know this friend and I know how she works... and then today at lunch she joined our clinic group. As all eyes lit up and I could feel the enthusiasm for her, I felt further lonely and rejected... I figured I was maybe just jealous...
but then over the course of lunch she proceeded to tell about an experience when we were roommates and their is certainly an air of putting me down. Is it an attempt to make me look bad and her heroic? I respond with numb down playing of her comments that were making me sound irrational and foolish while I solidly own the punching of a boy that was being a jerk. Maybe it was my attempt to make sure they all knew I am tough enough not to mess with and I will not be a victim. But I feel annoyed with how she is telling the story. I don't like the tone she is using and the direction she chooses to take it.
I have heard her tell this story and others with much more enthusiasm and a very different tone. I am not sure why she is telling it al all and especially with this somewhat condescending/pitying tone.
As I am feeling so many things form people, I feel my suspicions may have just been confirmed. I try to ignore it. I try to down play it and I try not to be hurt by it.
But it hurts.
It hurts.
I am not the same person I was a year ago. I am not the same person I was 2 years ago. I am not the same person I was when she and I were college roommates... I am no longer okay with being the sidekick to fair-weather friends. I am not okay with them putting me down to feel better about how they are or are not treating me.
I'm done.
But it is not so easy as I would like it to be.
It still hurts.
And I don't know how to break away from the things people hold you too, the me they want to keep me pegged as.
"Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away..."
...and as I assess my emotions and where it is all coming from I also feel sad and scared as I can guess the reality of people utilizing me and sharing my story; they very likely won't because I offended one of their board members by trying to understand, and I am not welcome by people they want strong ties to. I am too risky once again, even though I am not and should not be seen that way. I fear I will be discarded once again by an institution that is where I belong.
I hope this is not true... but I see it coming and the writing is on the wall.
And it hurts.
It hurts knowing mistakes made, when I was so very broken and vulnerable have been used so harshly against me and attempts to reconcile and/or to understand, my attempts to help them understand, my misunderstandings, even my faith in humanity and so many things were used against me and will be used against me. Even my kids' choices and desires to understand and/or help have been used against me.
He will, and they will, use whatever they can against me
...for loving him and for believing in them.
And it hurts.
It hurts.
It hurts that family is handling this about the same as how they handled the first TBI; it's too much so they don't.
Sometimes, somedays, it is just too in my face.
And I suppose that is what today was.
It would be nice if I could run away and start over...
But alas...
I stick around. Because my husband has been pointing out for years, when I have felt ditched and hurt by the above mentioned friend, that she is not a very good friend to me
and because my kids still believe in and need me. They even look out for me.
And because some friends are still friends and offer words of encouragement
and actually try to understand
and because I can still process my emotions and face whatever it is that is hurting me.
Today it hurts. Today the backlash was too in my face. Today I cried and cried as I tried to ignore and avoid the reasons why. Avoiding, trying not to think about it, just trying to forget did not work. It brought back the suicidal thoughts, the feelings of worthlessness...
So I once again looked at it as a symptom and then I allowed myself to analyze the why of the symptoms.
Why?
because the harsh realities of life can be pretty damn harsh at times.
Why?
because I make mistakes
Why?
because other people make mistakes
but also people can be serious jerks and behave really stupid to feel better about being a jerk.
Why?
because I have a lot of broken pieces that I am working to hold together and striving to fix what I can and accept what I cannot fix.
and also because even though people hurt me I still give them credit -which I want to continue to do- but sometimes it makes the hurt cut extra deep.
So I'll be a cutter by cutting myself some slack and cutting some ties
and as I do
I remember what Dr. She said about how healing, recovery, learning how to live with these new norms and realities is not a straight line.
But maybe sometimes I try to run faster than I am really capable of. sometimes I feel like I know the right answer and I know what to do but then it still hurts and is hard.
Like burning bridges.
Some bridges, I feel, really just need to be burned so I can't keep going back to them.
So I do the right thing, give people what they want, but then my stupid mind still goes back and I second guess.. or maybe I just hurt at the cold harsh realities of it, that it really is what they wanted or were pushing for, and they really don't care to understand; the harsh realities that come to the forefront during difficult times.
I am also still very much dealing with backlash. I have many people who witnessed me in mania and the mess that followed and they are now deciding if I am worth their time, effort and concern. They are deciding this now that I am not appearing to be in immediate danger/crises. Many were not there but were at least kind in their avoidance. Now I feel things from them that I am not understanding, I think it is reluctance.
I have one friend that I now work with. I actually got her the job. She is one of those strong personalities, quick whit type of person that everybody loves. She is and can be a lot of fun. I have known her a very long time. We were roommates in college, and, while she can be a lot of fun, I know some other sides of her. For one, she can be a pretty lousy friend. She almost always backs out of plans last minute and she is pretty shameless about replacing you. I also have had a sneaking suspicion that she may be saying crap about me to relieve maybe justify her being such a crappy friend when I have really needed people. I tell myself I am being paranoid... But then again, I know this friend and I know how she works... and then today at lunch she joined our clinic group. As all eyes lit up and I could feel the enthusiasm for her, I felt further lonely and rejected... I figured I was maybe just jealous...
but then over the course of lunch she proceeded to tell about an experience when we were roommates and their is certainly an air of putting me down. Is it an attempt to make me look bad and her heroic? I respond with numb down playing of her comments that were making me sound irrational and foolish while I solidly own the punching of a boy that was being a jerk. Maybe it was my attempt to make sure they all knew I am tough enough not to mess with and I will not be a victim. But I feel annoyed with how she is telling the story. I don't like the tone she is using and the direction she chooses to take it.
I have heard her tell this story and others with much more enthusiasm and a very different tone. I am not sure why she is telling it al all and especially with this somewhat condescending/pitying tone.
As I am feeling so many things form people, I feel my suspicions may have just been confirmed. I try to ignore it. I try to down play it and I try not to be hurt by it.
But it hurts.
It hurts.
I am not the same person I was a year ago. I am not the same person I was 2 years ago. I am not the same person I was when she and I were college roommates... I am no longer okay with being the sidekick to fair-weather friends. I am not okay with them putting me down to feel better about how they are or are not treating me.
I'm done.
But it is not so easy as I would like it to be.
It still hurts.
And I don't know how to break away from the things people hold you too, the me they want to keep me pegged as.
"Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away..."
...and as I assess my emotions and where it is all coming from I also feel sad and scared as I can guess the reality of people utilizing me and sharing my story; they very likely won't because I offended one of their board members by trying to understand, and I am not welcome by people they want strong ties to. I am too risky once again, even though I am not and should not be seen that way. I fear I will be discarded once again by an institution that is where I belong.
I hope this is not true... but I see it coming and the writing is on the wall.
And it hurts.
It hurts knowing mistakes made, when I was so very broken and vulnerable have been used so harshly against me and attempts to reconcile and/or to understand, my attempts to help them understand, my misunderstandings, even my faith in humanity and so many things were used against me and will be used against me. Even my kids' choices and desires to understand and/or help have been used against me.
He will, and they will, use whatever they can against me
...for loving him and for believing in them.
And it hurts.
It hurts.
It hurts that family is handling this about the same as how they handled the first TBI; it's too much so they don't.
Sometimes, somedays, it is just too in my face.
And I suppose that is what today was.
It would be nice if I could run away and start over...
But alas...
I stick around. Because my husband has been pointing out for years, when I have felt ditched and hurt by the above mentioned friend, that she is not a very good friend to me
and because my kids still believe in and need me. They even look out for me.
And because some friends are still friends and offer words of encouragement
and actually try to understand
and because I can still process my emotions and face whatever it is that is hurting me.
Today it hurts. Today the backlash was too in my face. Today I cried and cried as I tried to ignore and avoid the reasons why. Avoiding, trying not to think about it, just trying to forget did not work. It brought back the suicidal thoughts, the feelings of worthlessness...
So I once again looked at it as a symptom and then I allowed myself to analyze the why of the symptoms.
Why?
because the harsh realities of life can be pretty damn harsh at times.
Why?
because I make mistakes
Why?
because other people make mistakes
but also people can be serious jerks and behave really stupid to feel better about being a jerk.
Why?
because I have a lot of broken pieces that I am working to hold together and striving to fix what I can and accept what I cannot fix.
and also because even though people hurt me I still give them credit -which I want to continue to do- but sometimes it makes the hurt cut extra deep.
So I'll be a cutter by cutting myself some slack and cutting some ties
and as I do
I remember what Dr. She said about how healing, recovery, learning how to live with these new norms and realities is not a straight line.
Saturday, January 25, 2020
refusing to die, because I am the bad guy
More and more I feel like it was intentional grooming. Subtle and sly in his methods, he was setting me up, manipulating for a desired outcome.
On paper I am a prime target for it.
Prime target also means the effects will be much more devastating.
And I am trapped
back in the dysfunctional marriage, friend and family relationships.
I am burning many of them down
because I am tired of hurting
I am tired of the dynamics that hurt me.
My head is confused
my heart is broken
but I have no way out
I am dependent
and beat down
but I am supposed to keep being so considerate and aware of the burden that I am. I am supposed to be there to meet their needs and to make sure they are okay and feel okay about being a jerk to me...
And in the event that I say something that makes someone uncomfortable or expect some help with my shit, I will often take a verbal beating about it...
And here I go, feeling sorry for myself again.
Only the good die young, which must be why I am still alive...
Maybe that is why
I refuse to die, to kill myself, to relieve them of their burden.
Because really I am bad
...for not killing myself.
So maybe I will keep burning down bridges as I head on over to the dark side
in my attempt to hold onto my immortality
On paper I am a prime target for it.
Prime target also means the effects will be much more devastating.
And I am trapped
back in the dysfunctional marriage, friend and family relationships.
I am burning many of them down
because I am tired of hurting
I am tired of the dynamics that hurt me.
My head is confused
my heart is broken
but I have no way out
I am dependent
and beat down
but I am supposed to keep being so considerate and aware of the burden that I am. I am supposed to be there to meet their needs and to make sure they are okay and feel okay about being a jerk to me...
And in the event that I say something that makes someone uncomfortable or expect some help with my shit, I will often take a verbal beating about it...
And here I go, feeling sorry for myself again.
Only the good die young, which must be why I am still alive...
Maybe that is why
I refuse to die, to kill myself, to relieve them of their burden.
Because really I am bad
...for not killing myself.
So maybe I will keep burning down bridges as I head on over to the dark side
in my attempt to hold onto my immortality
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