Writing it out in my safe place

Sometimes I am kind of a jerk. Not very often is it intentional.
Right now maybe it is a touch intentional as I am being one to the friend that thinks I had thought myself into a rabbit hole.
I am refusing to read his text after I gave a blunt and calling-out-your-bullshit-kiss-off-back-at-you text in reply to his kiss-off text.
His message is a repeat of others. He wants to remain aligned with the views that I challenge and he wants me to bugger off but he also does not want to feel guilty about telling me to bugger off or for not wanting to help the way he had previously suggested he would or was willing to.
I get the feeling from him that I am a thorn in his side and a pain in his ass and therefore I should be grateful that he has carried me as said thorn/pain as long as he has.
I disagree.
I think I need to stop trying to nurture, salvage and make amends in relationships with people that view me as such.
So I am negotiating in this hurtful friendship end. I can allow him the end he desires but I am refusing to honor him as a hero and good friend in the way he is attempting to end things and in his timing.
I am lighting my side of the bridge on fire so he can stop shooting the camouflaged fiery darts over to make sure the bridge catches and appears to burn down from my side.
They have not been that good of friends for years, as they keep trying to replace us and only utilize us as their friends when their attempted replacements don't work out as planned. I wonder if they think we don't notice this.
I don't need those kind of friends and I need to stop waiting in the wings loving them regardless always hoping for their return.
So I am being a jerk.
Or am I safeguarding?
The last three texts sent by said friend have started with subtle jabs or backhanded comments and that is as far as I am willing to read.
Maybe I am being too sensitive because I am extra sensitive right now.
Dr. She says it is okay, normal and expected that I am gun shy and too nervous about friends and trying to pursue any old or new goals right now. She says after what I have been through and the hurts of these last couple of years she would be more worried if I was not.
I ask her to read the long text from said friend that I could not bring myself to read. She does and thinks it is better, more human and sincere than the last one, she gives me the cliff notes. I ask her if I should try to salvage that friendship. She says it is up to me. She says I may get hurt again because we are human and people make mistakes, which she knows I already know, but basically I have to decide if it is worth it for me and she says, whatever I decide is the right answer for me.
I think on this.
I think about reading the text but
"Running the risk of offering up more "shit," I wanted to apologize" feels backhanded and I don't trust. I find I need to safeguard so that is where I stop reading again.
I think about what has been said and what has been consistent. I realize that what has been consistent is the desire to end the relationship. It feels very much like he is using these events to justify that. It feels as though he is jumping on the bandwagon and that does not feel good. I think I do not need that. I think maybe it would be best to severe ties.
So I give a reply that will help with that -severing the ties- but I refuse to honor him as a hero in it and I take a stand for myself. I share some of the things he has not bothered to ask about that I am trying to come to terms with and that are effecting even that conversation.  Some of what I say and how I say it is mimicking his patterns/methods. I let him know that even though I have no energy or desire to read his text, I am open to speaking in person.
He texts, another long text, back.
"Sounds like I am writing to myself then. I am glad you have proper care givers..." that is far as I can go. Ordering tests and the words on the MRI are not proper care givers. In fact I am far from it. I still have a 4 month wait to see the TBI neurologist and one that I hope I can understand better than Dr. Odd. Dr. Odd who does not see people for TBI but would see me for the tremors. And a good thing, since it allowed me to get the testing done in a year that I had met my out of pocket max, but he says contradictory things and is definitely not the right guy to have treating for the stuff I have going on; too much contradiction and uncertainty in his views. After a ridiculous amount of effort just to get an appointment with the endocrinologist I still have not met with him either. And my psychiatric PA is still trying hard to get me in with the neurology department she would like me to see. She has been trying since August and the best we have is a letter saying I am on the waiting list to even schedule an appointment. So the comment annoys me and is further evidence of his intention to remain ignorant. Plus the first comment, again, feels backhanded or like a subtle jab. I am a bit to tender right now, so I do not respond well to the jabs. So again I refuse to read the long texts and reiterate part of why, but once again say I might be open to conversation in person.
The last text, he is clearly mad as evidenced by the first few words that I cannot avoid reading [due to the fact that they show up without even opening and I am a good enough reader that I do not have to focus on every word individually] but I do my best to avoid reading.
At this point I am feeling a touch sorry but I also know I am giving him at least half of what he wants and I think maybe he is showing a lack of respect for my terms by continuing to text when I told him I was not open to that form of communication.
I am temped to text him back and say, "look, all three of your last texts start off with subtle backhandedness or slight jabs, I don't feel safe continuing to read and I gave you an alternative form of communication I would be more open to."
But I just don't think I am going to get anywhere and I really don't need to keep going back to people who perceive me to be something I am not nor want to be. I have made plenty of mistakes, and I have been a pain in the ass at times, I am sure; I can own these, but I have also been dismissed and discredited in many ways and I really don't need that.
So...
Here I am writing out, instead of continuing in a pointless impasse fight.

You think, therefore I am? No

"Because you chose tough," says Renée, "You don't want to be a victim, you are intelligent and an empath."
"You seem okay and appear to be okay so therefore you must be" and they will not allow you to shake their world views or perceptions. "They double down" says Dr. She "so therefore it must be you that is wrong."
This is why people want to miss and dismiss the troubles of TBI.
This is why people don't want to help or believe their could ever be a problem with the medical providers who missed and dismissed.
I am fortunate, says Renée because mine is at least easily proven by MRI.

The magicians hat.

“Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away. So he said to his mother, ‘I am running away.’
‘If you run away,’ said his mother, ‘I will run after you. For you are my little bunny’…”
This is the beginning of one of my most favorite childhood books. It is by Margaret Wise Brown with pictures by Clement Hurd. The words were running through my brain our last few days in Mexico.
...

I think this story appeals to me not just because the little bunny's desire to run away resonates but maybe also because I crave the relationship he has with his mother. She will continue to go after him. Her statements following his always an "if you do then I will follow you and become whatever I need to be there with and for you and love you." 

It is such a sweet premise and such a desirable ideal. It is my wish to be loved that much. I believe most people wished to be loved that much. 

But it is not real.

Just a sweet children's story book that feeds those silly ideals.

...

Also I think I am addicted to this blog. 

It offers me rather instant and usually seemingly effective relief when I need it. 

But I find myself wondering if it is entirely good or healthy.

Why do I judge or think I need to judge this?

Are some addictions good and healthy? 

The runners high can be addicting

and it is said to be good and healthy

But is it?

I suppose I wonder this today, because I feel sad and melancholy, and I don't really want to.

I feel a bit lost and insecure when I think what to do with myself from here. 

I feel very beat down in my big ideas making it feel pointless to pursue since I lack influence and support, thus I feel I do not have the courage or energy to pursue them.

I want to keep believing...

but I also want to 

disappear.