One thing I have learned in life is the closer I get to the truth that someone is trying to hide the more vicious they become in their fight to hide it.
...This is very bad.
This is very very bad...
I have been absolutely gun shy about trying anything, about returning to previous projects and even occupations because of the hit this last year has taken to my confidence and because of the hit it has taken to my belief in other people...
I am scared for this world.
I am scared because of what is happening to me.
As a kid I never really felt bullied but as an adult... this is happening on terrifying levels...
this does not make sense to me.
Friday, November 15, 2019
Monday, November 11, 2019
Know the truth and the truth shall set you free.
I decided to stay off of here for a bit. An attempt to shift my thinking. I am so very lost in my life at this moment in time. It is hard to know how to accept what I am and what I have experienced. I have openly admitted to people that I am bipolar and/or that I have brain damage. It is funny- not funny- how people handle these things. I have found that some have surprised me in their apparent acceptance while others immediately distrust or act as though you are inferior. Which is really comical, if I think about it, because $100 says they would not have faired nearly so well through a manic episode AND they are often so drab and boring in their limited thinking and creativity. So at least that is funny.
But today I am coming on to document. I think the break is good and I will be taking more but I still am far from resolved on this issue of the Neuroscience Institute and *.
Dr. She (new neuropsychologist) is teaching me a lot. One thing she taught me is that a person can only have one manic episode in their entire lifetime to be diagnosed bipolar. I think that is kind of sad and maybe unfair since in this country the negative stigma is still very real and heavy for that bipolar diagnosis. But mostly it is sad and unfair because if you have to be bipolar you should at least get to enjoy more than one life altering euphoric high. I am not sure if I really mean that though, because the flip side really does suck... and I digress.
Dr. She also taught me about how ADHD and bipolar can look similar but are different. This especially matters to me because my dear husband is, seriously, the poster child for ADHD. It can be somewhat comical, ...and it can be challenging, as I am sure you can imagine, especially since I can slip into legit crazy.
But I am sure you, my most selective readers, are dying to know how they are different and why it matters.
Well according to what Dr. She tells me a person who has ADHD can become irrational in an intense moment of emotion and decision making and because they have that under-active prefrontal cortex they have a tendency to react before their brain has a chance to process and make a rational sound decision, but once that moment is over they are rational and they can think rationally, while the a person with bipolar becomes progressively less rational and progressively looses touch with reality. They can very literally fade... Fading. I have written about that. I have reached out when I was fading. I was punished for it with a call to the police and no follow up from the actual medical providers who can actually do something about it.
I ask Dr. She, "but how is it I was still able to hold on to rational? How is it I could still feel normal a lot of the time?" Yet even as I ask I know that is not entirely accurate and I already know the answer as she starts to explain, using hand motions to illustrate how I was likely cycling up and down while I was progressively loosing touch over all and fading. Like a graph that has ups and downs cycling regularly as the whole, over time, is steadily declining.
If Dr. He knows this and Dr. Concussion knows this then that is an especially terrible thing to do to a person or to allow to happen. And they absolutely should know this considering their training and their chosen clinical practice.
The more rational I am becoming the more disturbing the reality of what was being missed and or dismissed really is.
"I told you not to try and solve this" he said. But why? I hope you are also asking this.
I have been trying to make sense of this the entire time and it may be for good reason. I have felt a sense of responsibility to uncover the truth and fight whatever the demon was that was eating at my brain and my heart. I have known I had to stand up for myself and keep fighting even when I did not understand who or what the enemy was and I do wonder exactly how many demons I have been fighting, with only one being my broken brain. I have thought it simply the perfect storm of transference and countertransference and a tragic comedy of errors -hard evidence of why a therapist needs to be so aware of countertransference and keep it in check. I have wanted to write about this in a book that could be helpful to both therapists and patients/clients of therapists. I have wanted to write about it now and then go back to school to become an expert on it so I can help others and implement changes in the very bad policies and/or practices that caused me significant harm. And write a followed book after that.
I want to do these things but every step is still quite heavy for me because so much is still unresolved and I was too unstable for far too long (when I absolutely did not need to be) so sadly I am still triggered more than I care to admit, although significantly less and the intensity is significantly less. I am slowly working my way out of the brain traps and if they had not been fed for so long by the people who were supposed to be helping me out of them this would likely be much easier (but then this blog would be far less interesting too, so their is that).
I am having a hard time in this moment keeping my thoughts incessant. They are exploding out like a lichtenberg figure.
So I am going to go back and attempt to explain what I am finding so disturbing.
Because I have the desire to write, as I mentioned, about this insanity, this week I decided to go back to the beginning of my obsessive writings, writings that I have not published on this blog, to see if I can use any of it, and to see where I really was.
Going back to the beginning, when I was unexpectedly dropped just when I felt I was starting to make progress, I saw easily my brains slipping into mania. I also saw that then I understood quite logically, as I was researching, what very well could have been happening or had happened in that relationship that was supposed to be strictly therapeutic for me (and that "for me" part is important) with *Dr. He. I very easily could have and very well did understand it for what it was before and after his "so we can agree to a clean break" appointment which he planned on being his last appointment with me.
At that point in time, I still very much trusted him but I was also broken and, as Dr. She's teachings helped me realize, I was still breaking as I would continue to slip downward in my rational thinking maintaining and my touch with reality.
In the beginning, though I was quite high in mania, and it is obvious when I look back at my writing in those moments, I was utilizing my talents and skills that I had developed over so many years to observe myself and my insanity scientifically (in a sense) and in that way I was not entirely lost to psychosis.
However, I did in fact still need Dr. He and Dr. Concussion and I needed them to see what I was trying to show and tell them all along, that there was something more going on, and that I was reacting too big. I was, in fact, manic.
But for a time I did not believe that was it because Dr. He did not believe that was it, or least that was my impression since he had not addressed it and he took the angle of it being a transference and countertransference issue and he was supposed limit to 10 treatments and he had others that he believed needed him more. But I could not keep believing that it was not mania as I did not recover the way I would have if it weren't.
So then as I was fighting for my life to prevent further sliding into the irrational I was being told it was not mania and I was being gaslit and treated by the people at the Neuroscience Institute and the Patient Advocates in ways that fed the crazy and the fantasy. The crazy that at first I was actually more rationally able to see for what it likely was within the framework of transference, countertransference, the perfect storm and possibly a therapist that was a bit broken himself but that had definitely played with fire and crossed boundaries -but only in ways that I could easily forgive and initially thought were funny.
But then every time he would not talk with me, he avoided me, they played games, and treated me like a liability it fed this manic level intensity of connection that only true sole mates could possibly feel (and I am allowing the embarrassment of that statement because it is the solid truth of what they fed and of a damned f*@#d up manic mind ...or of therapist manipulated mind).
And even when I tried to tell them this they just kept feeding it.
No apology meant I was the forbidden temptress that he loved so much he simply would not be able to resist and would not give a false apology to because he would not deny those feeling. That, or I was worthless and unsalvageable, not worth their time. Which would you rather allow to be fed in your fading sanity? The latter may be true to them but that is not kind while the prior shit is straight up embarrassing and it IS NOT rational. and I know it. I knew it then.
BUT I was also fading with neither of those options being good for a brain that is progressively loosing its stability and sanity. SO for months that crazy was fed and that is incredibly disturbing as I am now learning what neuropsychologists know and how medical providers should have handled me in that condition.
And at first it seemed as though it would be so easy to pull out of this when the medication started working, because I had put in so much work. But, alas, that was a false start, jumping of the gun because that kind of intensity and rumination for so many months and that level of fraud or deceit is not going to end so easily.
I do feel as though I am making progress and glad that I trusted my gut to not file any further complaints or investigations when I knew I would make a mess of them in my confused mental state.
Now
The question begs to be answered: Were they keeping me in a compromised place intentionally, so that I would mess up any investigation and/or to out last the statutes of limitations? Obviously there has been a very crooked cover up here or there are some very unethical and/or very ignorant or unskilled people at the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute, in Murray UT.
But today I am coming on to document. I think the break is good and I will be taking more but I still am far from resolved on this issue of the Neuroscience Institute and *.
Dr. She (new neuropsychologist) is teaching me a lot. One thing she taught me is that a person can only have one manic episode in their entire lifetime to be diagnosed bipolar. I think that is kind of sad and maybe unfair since in this country the negative stigma is still very real and heavy for that bipolar diagnosis. But mostly it is sad and unfair because if you have to be bipolar you should at least get to enjoy more than one life altering euphoric high. I am not sure if I really mean that though, because the flip side really does suck... and I digress.
Dr. She also taught me about how ADHD and bipolar can look similar but are different. This especially matters to me because my dear husband is, seriously, the poster child for ADHD. It can be somewhat comical, ...and it can be challenging, as I am sure you can imagine, especially since I can slip into legit crazy.
But I am sure you, my most selective readers, are dying to know how they are different and why it matters.
Well according to what Dr. She tells me a person who has ADHD can become irrational in an intense moment of emotion and decision making and because they have that under-active prefrontal cortex they have a tendency to react before their brain has a chance to process and make a rational sound decision, but once that moment is over they are rational and they can think rationally, while the a person with bipolar becomes progressively less rational and progressively looses touch with reality. They can very literally fade... Fading. I have written about that. I have reached out when I was fading. I was punished for it with a call to the police and no follow up from the actual medical providers who can actually do something about it.
I ask Dr. She, "but how is it I was still able to hold on to rational? How is it I could still feel normal a lot of the time?" Yet even as I ask I know that is not entirely accurate and I already know the answer as she starts to explain, using hand motions to illustrate how I was likely cycling up and down while I was progressively loosing touch over all and fading. Like a graph that has ups and downs cycling regularly as the whole, over time, is steadily declining.
If Dr. He knows this and Dr. Concussion knows this then that is an especially terrible thing to do to a person or to allow to happen. And they absolutely should know this considering their training and their chosen clinical practice.
The more rational I am becoming the more disturbing the reality of what was being missed and or dismissed really is.
"I told you not to try and solve this" he said. But why? I hope you are also asking this.
I have been trying to make sense of this the entire time and it may be for good reason. I have felt a sense of responsibility to uncover the truth and fight whatever the demon was that was eating at my brain and my heart. I have known I had to stand up for myself and keep fighting even when I did not understand who or what the enemy was and I do wonder exactly how many demons I have been fighting, with only one being my broken brain. I have thought it simply the perfect storm of transference and countertransference and a tragic comedy of errors -hard evidence of why a therapist needs to be so aware of countertransference and keep it in check. I have wanted to write about this in a book that could be helpful to both therapists and patients/clients of therapists. I have wanted to write about it now and then go back to school to become an expert on it so I can help others and implement changes in the very bad policies and/or practices that caused me significant harm. And write a followed book after that.
I want to do these things but every step is still quite heavy for me because so much is still unresolved and I was too unstable for far too long (when I absolutely did not need to be) so sadly I am still triggered more than I care to admit, although significantly less and the intensity is significantly less. I am slowly working my way out of the brain traps and if they had not been fed for so long by the people who were supposed to be helping me out of them this would likely be much easier (but then this blog would be far less interesting too, so their is that).
I am having a hard time in this moment keeping my thoughts incessant. They are exploding out like a lichtenberg figure.
So I am going to go back and attempt to explain what I am finding so disturbing.
Because I have the desire to write, as I mentioned, about this insanity, this week I decided to go back to the beginning of my obsessive writings, writings that I have not published on this blog, to see if I can use any of it, and to see where I really was.
Going back to the beginning, when I was unexpectedly dropped just when I felt I was starting to make progress, I saw easily my brains slipping into mania. I also saw that then I understood quite logically, as I was researching, what very well could have been happening or had happened in that relationship that was supposed to be strictly therapeutic for me (and that "for me" part is important) with *Dr. He. I very easily could have and very well did understand it for what it was before and after his "so we can agree to a clean break" appointment which he planned on being his last appointment with me.
At that point in time, I still very much trusted him but I was also broken and, as Dr. She's teachings helped me realize, I was still breaking as I would continue to slip downward in my rational thinking maintaining and my touch with reality.
In the beginning, though I was quite high in mania, and it is obvious when I look back at my writing in those moments, I was utilizing my talents and skills that I had developed over so many years to observe myself and my insanity scientifically (in a sense) and in that way I was not entirely lost to psychosis.
However, I did in fact still need Dr. He and Dr. Concussion and I needed them to see what I was trying to show and tell them all along, that there was something more going on, and that I was reacting too big. I was, in fact, manic.
But for a time I did not believe that was it because Dr. He did not believe that was it, or least that was my impression since he had not addressed it and he took the angle of it being a transference and countertransference issue and he was supposed limit to 10 treatments and he had others that he believed needed him more. But I could not keep believing that it was not mania as I did not recover the way I would have if it weren't.
So then as I was fighting for my life to prevent further sliding into the irrational I was being told it was not mania and I was being gaslit and treated by the people at the Neuroscience Institute and the Patient Advocates in ways that fed the crazy and the fantasy. The crazy that at first I was actually more rationally able to see for what it likely was within the framework of transference, countertransference, the perfect storm and possibly a therapist that was a bit broken himself but that had definitely played with fire and crossed boundaries -but only in ways that I could easily forgive and initially thought were funny.
But then every time he would not talk with me, he avoided me, they played games, and treated me like a liability it fed this manic level intensity of connection that only true sole mates could possibly feel (and I am allowing the embarrassment of that statement because it is the solid truth of what they fed and of a damned f*@#d up manic mind ...or of therapist manipulated mind).
And even when I tried to tell them this they just kept feeding it.
No apology meant I was the forbidden temptress that he loved so much he simply would not be able to resist and would not give a false apology to because he would not deny those feeling. That, or I was worthless and unsalvageable, not worth their time. Which would you rather allow to be fed in your fading sanity? The latter may be true to them but that is not kind while the prior shit is straight up embarrassing and it IS NOT rational. and I know it. I knew it then.
BUT I was also fading with neither of those options being good for a brain that is progressively loosing its stability and sanity. SO for months that crazy was fed and that is incredibly disturbing as I am now learning what neuropsychologists know and how medical providers should have handled me in that condition.
And at first it seemed as though it would be so easy to pull out of this when the medication started working, because I had put in so much work. But, alas, that was a false start, jumping of the gun because that kind of intensity and rumination for so many months and that level of fraud or deceit is not going to end so easily.
I do feel as though I am making progress and glad that I trusted my gut to not file any further complaints or investigations when I knew I would make a mess of them in my confused mental state.
Now
The question begs to be answered: Were they keeping me in a compromised place intentionally, so that I would mess up any investigation and/or to out last the statutes of limitations? Obviously there has been a very crooked cover up here or there are some very unethical and/or very ignorant or unskilled people at the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute, in Murray UT.
Wednesday, November 6, 2019
No escape
I'm tired of being tired.
Medication game or just the residual effects of TBI... or is it residual effects of trauma.
I am still loosing sleep.
It is just so wrong
How I was treated.
My friend says "the worst part is how they vilified you"
And they did.
I never even received any kind of apology from Office Director or evidence of their "escalated concerns" for her denying me my medical records or yelling at me in front of my kids when I was telling her I didn't want them to keep trying to send me other places, that it made sense to me to be kept in house so I did not have to keep trying to explain and thus relive the trauma every time I tried to find new therapists and doctors and I was asking why I could not be seen by a different neuropsychologist there.
They only thing I received form her was that final letter terminating me from the entire facility. A slap in the face or knife to the heart with an added twist.
From the one accessible place in my world that has the different providers I need that are supposedly trained to know how to treat and handle me because of my TBI's... The people I have needed since I was 12.
I can't escape this.
My brain isn't letting me...
I have no idea how to handle it.
But I know there is something very very wrong about this and my conscience will not let it go...
so here I am again writing.
I am and have been slow and trying to be careful and fair even when I was mentally unstable. I do not want to cause undo harm but there needs to be some accountability or if they are frauds they need to be exposed. I don't want this job, that is why I keep coming here to this silly blog and the rumination continues... I don't want this job, but it is the job I have to do because my conscience and my injuries won't let me out of it...
and garbage cans taking a beating don't take it away, neither do all of the gazillion of other things I have tried. They only time it is subsiding is when I am working to fix it... working to hold them accountable.
If the mistakes that lead to this mess were accidental then there is no reason for me to have been treated that way and for me to be so stonewalled and ostracized so vehemently.
Is it stigmatizing of the "mentally ill?" Is that all this is evidence of?
If so that angers me too.
This kind of stigmatizing does not help anyone but it does feed and encourage the negative nature in people. If people are alienated, ostracized and treated like criminals for seeking help with their mental illness and "inappropriate" behaviors than what the hell do you think is going to happen? It is so plainly stupid.
And I am tired
tired of this stupidity and my malfunctioning brain that now is functioning much better but I know will keep pushing back if I don't make the necessary external changes to support the positive internal changes.
no editing. I want to sleep and I have very limited time right now
*back, I have come, to edit and I am certain, even in my rational sanity, that there is a higher power that works on us as individuals and as a collective whole as I just happened upon this video and choose to watch it even though it was simply out of curiosity and a distraction from my task at hand. J.K. Rowling speaks at a Harvard Graduation
What an incredible woman, what an incredible speech and what a brave human to give such a speech at a Harvard graduation.
And in my own voiceless vulnerable life I can feel proud that I came across this speech while I was working to plan lessons I had volunteered to plan for a teacher I will be substituting for that is an overworked and underpaid single mom, who cares and works hard for others with so very much on her own plate. Normally as a sub you do not lesson plan, but I volunteered to help relieve just a smidgeon of the burden from this beautiful person.
I want these things to be known because people with mental illnesses and TBI's can also be kind, caring, helpful citizens. We deserve fair treatment. We are not worthless or disposable, nor are we helpless but too often a person with problems such as mine will become that because they are not given a chance, they are not respected, they are not heard, and they are treated as though they are helpless, worthless, and to be feared and ostracized. Or simply a real pain in the ass.
This is my battle, that I am very much not alone in but those that I represent really are at such huge disadvantages, so often isolated, and very often their voices go unheard and disrespected or they are shamed and humiliated.
So no escape... this is my battle, I suppose, and as my beautiful friend Renée reminds me, "We chose to be tough."
Medication game or just the residual effects of TBI... or is it residual effects of trauma.
I am still loosing sleep.
It is just so wrong
How I was treated.
My friend says "the worst part is how they vilified you"
And they did.
I never even received any kind of apology from Office Director or evidence of their "escalated concerns" for her denying me my medical records or yelling at me in front of my kids when I was telling her I didn't want them to keep trying to send me other places, that it made sense to me to be kept in house so I did not have to keep trying to explain and thus relive the trauma every time I tried to find new therapists and doctors and I was asking why I could not be seen by a different neuropsychologist there.
They only thing I received form her was that final letter terminating me from the entire facility. A slap in the face or knife to the heart with an added twist.
From the one accessible place in my world that has the different providers I need that are supposedly trained to know how to treat and handle me because of my TBI's... The people I have needed since I was 12.
I can't escape this.
My brain isn't letting me...
I have no idea how to handle it.
But I know there is something very very wrong about this and my conscience will not let it go...
so here I am again writing.
I am and have been slow and trying to be careful and fair even when I was mentally unstable. I do not want to cause undo harm but there needs to be some accountability or if they are frauds they need to be exposed. I don't want this job, that is why I keep coming here to this silly blog and the rumination continues... I don't want this job, but it is the job I have to do because my conscience and my injuries won't let me out of it...
and garbage cans taking a beating don't take it away, neither do all of the gazillion of other things I have tried. They only time it is subsiding is when I am working to fix it... working to hold them accountable.
If the mistakes that lead to this mess were accidental then there is no reason for me to have been treated that way and for me to be so stonewalled and ostracized so vehemently.
Is it stigmatizing of the "mentally ill?" Is that all this is evidence of?
If so that angers me too.
This kind of stigmatizing does not help anyone but it does feed and encourage the negative nature in people. If people are alienated, ostracized and treated like criminals for seeking help with their mental illness and "inappropriate" behaviors than what the hell do you think is going to happen? It is so plainly stupid.
And I am tired
tired of this stupidity and my malfunctioning brain that now is functioning much better but I know will keep pushing back if I don't make the necessary external changes to support the positive internal changes.
no editing. I want to sleep and I have very limited time right now
*back, I have come, to edit and I am certain, even in my rational sanity, that there is a higher power that works on us as individuals and as a collective whole as I just happened upon this video and choose to watch it even though it was simply out of curiosity and a distraction from my task at hand. J.K. Rowling speaks at a Harvard Graduation
What an incredible woman, what an incredible speech and what a brave human to give such a speech at a Harvard graduation.
And in my own voiceless vulnerable life I can feel proud that I came across this speech while I was working to plan lessons I had volunteered to plan for a teacher I will be substituting for that is an overworked and underpaid single mom, who cares and works hard for others with so very much on her own plate. Normally as a sub you do not lesson plan, but I volunteered to help relieve just a smidgeon of the burden from this beautiful person.
I want these things to be known because people with mental illnesses and TBI's can also be kind, caring, helpful citizens. We deserve fair treatment. We are not worthless or disposable, nor are we helpless but too often a person with problems such as mine will become that because they are not given a chance, they are not respected, they are not heard, and they are treated as though they are helpless, worthless, and to be feared and ostracized. Or simply a real pain in the ass.
This is my battle, that I am very much not alone in but those that I represent really are at such huge disadvantages, so often isolated, and very often their voices go unheard and disrespected or they are shamed and humiliated.
So no escape... this is my battle, I suppose, and as my beautiful friend Renée reminds me, "We chose to be tough."
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