Here we go round the mulberry bush...

It’s kind of strange being an adult and a child at the same time but apparently that happens when you have shit from your youth that needs to be worked through. It’s good to know I’m not alone in this even though I am very much alone in this.
I really like new therapist she is helping adult me reconcile with child me. She doesn't say that but that seems to be what she is doing. She is also helping me to understand reality. Reality is something that at times is hard for me to understand because apparently I might be bipolar and I probably have a mom that has borderline personality disorder and I definitely have a genetic predisposition for mental illness (which by itself makes me sad and mad) and head injury makes it much more likely for that genetic predisposition to manifest... I don’t really want to accept any of it and I have tried not to but ultimately that turns into me not accepting reality and rejecting part of my perfectly imperfect self which then somehow turns into me isolating myself... sigh...
So I am a child and an adult trying to figure this out and sometimes I don’t want to hear about how so much of this shit is actually normal so many people go through it because I’ve got years of feeling sorry for myself to catch up on. And that should be read with a laugh following because it is meant to be funny since, even though, there is a hint of truth, it is also not what I am really doing.
I really am grateful for my crazy ass shit because mine can at least be quite fun quite often and I have found a lot of good in it AND I have done really well with it. My lifetime friend, lets call her CP, even thinks it is funny that when I feel like I have super powers I think it is a symptom of mania or oncoming because she says I do have superpowers. I love CP, she really believes that about me.
So I really feel more proud of myself rather than sorry for myself. I mostly feel sorry for the lack of recognition and support I get. And ironically that is very likely tied to the fact that I do so well managing all my shit. I am not broken enough and, aside from me possibly isolating myself by trying to handle it myself, at times I actually end up being punished for that. Maybe people really don't believe me that snowboarding was just shy of orgasmic and that spirit animals and gods were talking to me because I wasn't full blown crazy and I could keep it within context. Maybe people don't believe I was manic because maybe I really was clairvoyant in those moments and I really did have super powers. Maybe I do need to return to that place and become a prophet or seer... Or maybe mania kept me from understanding how to handle the messages from god, maybe that keeps me for being a prophet... I could go on and on. Believe me, I have considered probably every possibility because my mind was running at hyper speed through every avenue.... my true super power. It's hard to keep up with. I can't even do it.
Yet somehow I managed, and that is discredited and that is where I feel sorry for me and angry at those who dismissed me so easily.
But back to Dr. She- today Dr. She explained that I was predisposed to have the problems I was feeling were a direct result of TBI and that TBI just brought them out. This is a hard pill for me to swallow because I first have to accept that I am "mentally ill" irregardless of TBI and somehow I have to both accept and dismiss the roles I thought or felt TBI has played in that. And I have to accept that I have to accept all of this shit I have been fighting to dismiss in myself. "If you just believe you can do anything" "if you have faith you can be healed"....Or you can go manic and have it be missed because you believe in yourself and the system that is "healing you".... tragic comedy of errors.
It's a lot to come to terms with.  I have to accept:

• that I am "mentally ill"
• that head injury may have contributed
• that head injury may not be my biggest problem
• that I have lower cognitive stamina
• I am genetically predisposed
• thus my children are also
• that my relationship struggles are deeper than TBI and Bipolar
• that I need medication 
• again
• and even more (medication)
• that I need people to help me
• the stigma, it's not going away
• that I am like my mother (in that I also have a mental illness and am a victim of some shitty circumstances) This one is harder than you know since I think she is pretty maladapted and I really don't want to be like that. I don't want to be a victim that points fingers at others criticizing them for "playing the victim" and thus doing the same thing with the situations they are not such a victim in... And yet, swinging too far the other way, when I am the victim I blame myself and get hurt more believing "I can fix this"... yeah, this is a hard one...
• and once again, I have to figure out what I want to do when I grow up, only now I appear to have a bad track record with jobs and I am old. 

And in addition to that I need to:

• once again figure out what to do with my life
• find a career that I can handle and that can handle me
• face that I have trust issues
• and avoidance issues
• grieve losses that are big and profound. 
• while staying grounded in reality and taking care of my family... but not completely at my expense. 

I’m going to be okay, I think, but I’ll also need to find a balance with my crazy and that just never seems to look like what others think it “should” look like.
Really that is what happened in my blog yesterday. I started off wanting to address the "take care of you to take care of me" problem probably many in therapy have but as I wrote my frustration with how completely powerless I am in civilly and amicably resolving anything with the Neuroscience Institute and specifically with Dr. He came out. If I had my way we would just talk and the crazy manic fed irrational components could and likely would very naturally work themselves out as I addressed them where and with whom they would be appropriate to address with. But I am not allowed, because they have me branded and stigmatized, because rules and policies don't allow it, because they (the rules and policies) are bias and stigmatizing... Such a stupid paradoxical conundrum: I have to pursue legal action and hire a lawyer to be heard because they are afraid of talking to me because I might might hire a lawyer and pursue legal action...
How do they not see
how stupid that be?

Care Bears need to air out there shit covered laundry!

I went back to school to complete my degree back in 2013 or so. I choose WGU because it was the most economical and feasible considering my circumstances. They have a great program for teaching. One thing I liked is they assign you a mentor that you check in with and that checks up on you every so often to help keep you going. I loved my mentor with WGU. At one point they assigned me a new mentor because the other mentor was only meant to be a startup kind of mentor. But new mentor's lack of life experiences and possibly her rigid "professionalism" made it hard for me to connect with her thus rendering her useless as a mentor to me and the check ins became kind of annoying to me, which did not help me with my schooling. Fortunately my old mentor was able to pull some strings and I got to keep him throughout the rest of my schooling with WGU.
And that is the back story to this very simple comment that my WGU mentor would say to me; often he would tell me I needed to take care of myself to which I would reply, "part of how I take care of myself is by taking care of other people." And now, obviously I was at least somewhat balanced in my taking care of others and myself because I allowed myself to request my old mentor and not worry too much about how that might make the new mentor feel.
It can be tricky finding that balance and I imagine therapists often see people who are unbalanced in how they define themselves with this very same trait. I bet they see many people who are trying to fix themselves and quite often repeat patterns of loving other people too much or neglecting themselves for the sake of others and they will repeat that mistake in therapy also by caring for their therapist when it is the therapists job to care for them. I would think this may be especially prevalent in my part of the world where my religious upbringing teaches girls heavily that their value lies in being a wife and mother and what they are doing to serve others.
Their is merit to this and it is important, however, I do feel we may be a bit too far to one side on this issue and I feel like it has got to be a huge challenge for a therapist not to get attached and find themselves getting some of their emotional needs met by their clients. They are human after all.
So this further confuses my brain on how the hell the APA and people in the field think it is a good idea to just shut a person out cold turkey if a therapist develops feelings. It is kind of disgusting how negatively stigmatized a therapist will be for that and how negatively this stigmatizes the client/patient with the slew of false and negative misconceptions and stereotypes this brands them with. I see that grooming can be an easy game for a therapist to play if their are no rules but the shutting out only protects the therapist and so hugely at the expense of the person on my side of the couch.
... And It has been fed, this stupid idea of "forbidden love" that my manic mind latched onto, by everyone denying me conversation about this and about what was going on with me. It has been fed by my husband trusting them and me trusting them and them refusing to call mania and misdiagnosis what it was. It has been fed by his refusal to apologize and by my husbands uncertainty of how to proceed with me. It has been fed by my broken heart again and again. It has been fed by Dr. Concussion's unwillingness to talk about what happened and her being swayed by whatever she was being told by people who had never even talked with me or had talked with me very little. It has been fed by the grapevine communication with the patient advocate and her acting as though she was helping me but then not even asking the questions I asked her to ask. It has been fed by the scarlet letter they branded me with.
It has been fed by them making it all about him and not about me. When it was supposed to be about me.
 It has been fed by their bullshit that "he felt threatened" by me, because the only threat that was known to me was that he didn't want anything to do with me because he could possibly love me, and because, they said, I used the word "but" in an email. In trying to have a conversation about what was going on with my head, and in, once again. trying to tell him that he was missing something that I needed him to see and that we needed to talk about (mania), I said I didn't want to go the route of filing a complaint "but" if that is what I had to do then I that was what I would do... It has been fed while he peacefully and easily burns out knowing he does not have to face me or talk about any possible countertransference or misunderstandings. I am angry again. I am hurt again. I am angry and hurt and all of it still just feeds the damn creature Perri Cheri that is eating my brain and my heart.
Please admit your mistakes IHC. PLEASE END THIS CYCLE. I have begged and followed your rules. If I am to continue to follow the rules you claim to follow, if I am to be a good citizen and if I am ever going to recover from this then I have to fight harder and you need to be held accountable. If you insist the fight is against me and with me and not for me and with me from what is going on with my damn head and the stigma's and misconceptions than the fight is with you... and I fight... to the death. To the death of my bills and the bad policies of the Neuroscience Institute and APA, or to the death of me. And if you keep winning so easily, so then my blood really will be on your hands if this continues until I am all burned up and burnt out completely.
...This is not at all where I thought I would go with this blog entry..  but there it is. I am tired. I am sad. I want to believe that is was simply a comedy of errors. I want to be able to be proud of my magnificent managed mania because it was damn hard but I managed to stayed out of complete psychosis and loosing complete touch with reality. I broke big and yet still managed. I begged for it to be seen when I wasn't even sure that was what it was, I kept trying and I want to be able to be proud of that, but instead I was shunned, shamed, lied to and lied about, I was slandered, stigmatized, denied treatment and exiled. And I am stuck in limbo not wanting to do anything because it could potentially hurt people I loved and trusted even though they were neglecting, gaslighting and abusing. When I was fighting for my rational brain they were fighting against it, insisting that I was fighting for the irrational, and this fed the irrational. It does not make sense. They would only listen when there was talk of lawyers or when I used appropriate legal jargon, but as soon as I told them I was not interested in going that route they would continue with disregarding me and feeding the wild fantasy that may not have been my own in the first place.  I hate that legal action feels like my only option. I know I can continue to just work on "letting it go" but "letting it go" just seems to fuel the damn fire that is supposed to have burned out months ago and "just letting it go" still seems to tie my brain to just letting me go, letting me burn out. I don't want to burn out. I want to improve again and I want to live again.
I don't think, at this point in my life, it is entirely wise to continue to define myself by how I can benefit others and what I can do for them. I think now, maybe, as I had said long ago in a previous post, I need to follow my damn guru's example and simply do whatever I feel I need to to protect and take care of myself, no matter how it might affect someone else. Look out for number one and number one only... No conversation, no negotiation, not trying to protect or care, just stigmatize and use against him all that I can to protect myself and make sure my ass is being taken care of financially because "I am okay with being wrong" at the expense of others... so where am I wrong? Please somebody tell me? I was wrong in trusting a person who had lost objectivity, acknowledged he broke me ["you broke me" "I did not mean to"], but would not address that and then openly told me "I am okay with being wrong."
I'd rather love you and be your friend, I'd rather work with you on my behalf and even help you to benefit my people you claim to be helping, but if that is not possible then I'll fight you to the bitter end, because you broke me, and then trashed me and I will not die for you no matter how you want me to!
...sigh... I'll leave this crazy shit here and post, because this shit needs to be talked about, this shit needs to be addressed, this shit needs to be washed out of the laundry it is dirtying and then hung up to air out.
Good night. sleep tight...
we ain't out of the woods yet.
But I sure as hell would rather talk about it than burn down the whole damn forest. I wish we (the Neuroscience Institute, IHC, Dr. He, Dr. Concussion and I) were on the same page... I am still willing to get there...
but my words are likely in vain.

The Basic Rules of Good Citizenship

If you are reading my blog for the first time or have read a few but not every entry may I suggest you go back to: https://amicrazy2.blogspot.com/2018/11/reprocessing-so-much-to-do-so-little.html
and really there are a lot that tell a lot about what happened, how it effects the brain, and even possibly why it effects it this way as I have gone through this crazy journey and have documented my processing and the damaging and harmful process that could have been largely avoided or a least greatly minimized if the Neuroscience Institute and IHC policies did not think they were above the basic rules of good citizenship that we teach our children in our public schools.
At very least, read the last paragraph on this lesson:

Substitute teaching the other day this was the Social Studies lesson I was given to teach and it broke my heart because "When you obey rules you are showing resect to authority and those who make the rules," and "a good citizen is someone who is not afraid to admit that he/she is wrong and is always willing to ask for a second chance."
 I was not even sure how to handle teaching it because the reality is the honest kids who take this to heart will be hurt and taken advantage of time and time again by big organizations and institutions, by people in authority and power... and these kids that take this to heart, and believe in the good of humanity and individuals, will believe in those trained, licensed and credentialed authority figures who are in reality refusing to take responsibility and admit their mistakes and are willing to do so completely at the altruistic child (now an adults) expense. And they will not realize this as they continue believing in and work for these basic, elementary taught, rules of good citizenship, expecting that these educated authority figure will also come to their senses and honor these rules thus stopping the harm and perpetuation of it and then working together solve the problem they are the ones that are trained and being paid to solve.
I want to protect these kids from believing in a society that actually lives the way this lesson teaches because I know, in reality, we do not live in a society where their medical providers, the ones they will likely trust the most, will do this.
...And these same rules are in their hipocratic oath's and APA guidelines (though the APA also has contradictory rules that are made to protect the therapist who may be abusing clients)
...It is sickening.