Jack Ass in Neuropsychology

(Jack Ass). His name is (Jackass) Phd. **(name changed to protect me)
And I will not keep trying to protect him anymore. I will not protect him from me and the consequences of his actions.
He would rather let me die than admit any mistakes.
He manipulated me to protect himself. Whether he meant to or not, he did. And when it became very clear that I was not okay, that his mistakes caused and were contributing to significant problems, -to harm- he denied it all and then he slandered me -defamation to his colleagues and employees.
All the while I was trying to protect him. Trusting them and trying to work with them, not against them when, I was broken and vulnerable, trying to get the help I needed at the "right place" from the "right people."
This is not okay.
I am sorry Perri. I know it is possible you were simply broken too, but, you, my friend, were the one in the position of power and you used me and then abused me by discarding me so carelessly as if I were trash. I am not. You most certainly misjudged and misrepresented me.
And even it it is just me speaking out for me, I am worth standing up for and I am worth fighting for.
Just as I told Office Director "I don't know what it looks like but I know I need to stand up for myself" I am now starting to see how I need to, what I need to do, and sadly, it is not so pretty due to the way this has progressed.
Sigh...
stability
brings with it the ability
to fight back.
But you probably knew that way back when
"you broke me"
"I did not mean too"

My mind and heart are speaking to me in slight rhyme again and I wonder:

You used me to stroke your delicate ego, maybe heal your broken heart
subtly feeding me your fantasy
then when it all came crashing down
you ran out of town
claiming it was me that had played with you.
which is not even possible considering the "imbalance of power" and the rules that govern you.

"I'd love to take you home with me..."

"...and tuck you into bed.
I'd love to see what makes you tick inside your pretty head..."
"Do you think your better than me? Do you want to kill me or befriend me?"

It has been years since I have heard this song, but it has been coming into my head lately.
It is a bit disturbing and long but worth listening to in it's entirety.

Oingo Boingo "Insantiy"

"I'm not scared of you" REALLY?

my rational anger is increasing rapidly.

Freaking JACK ASSES!!!

I WAS SUCH A *@$** MESS AND THEY JUST KEPT MESSING WITH ME!

THEY TURNED ME INTO SOMETHING I WAS NOT BECAUSE I WAS SO DAMN IRRATIONAL WHILE TRYING TO HOLD MY OWN!

I WAS **#@ PARANOID AND IT WAS SO OBVIOUS AND THEY TURNED IT INTO ME BEING OBSESSED WITH THE JACKASS THAT MANIPULATED ME TO PROTECT HIM MYSELF!

....breath

and though the all caps magnify the intensity of my emotion, it is not unsound at this moment. I am not at all manic. Which makes me that much more angry. This is rational. This is the reality of the shit you start to see more and more clearly as you stabilize.

It is very, very hard for me, in these moments, to believe that he didn't know what he was doing, that he didn't know or recognize the harm and damage he was causing. 

Now it is getting harder and harder to believe that his "I told you not to try and solve this" was not strictly for his sake; was not reflective of his fear that I was onto what I intuitively was protecting against when I sent those crazy emails; sent because I needed them to not be missed. "Stop emailing me" was a command too late, yet not at all because he still pulled out just in time because I was manipulated well.

Vulnerable

broken

"you isolate yourself"

limited family and social support

slow processor

caring

rejected

hypnotic voice

"I've tested your brain in ways you don't know"

so many things...

BUT I KNEW

broken, vulnerable, fragile, desperate

I still knew

BECAUSE

I have been the expert on the other side of your damn profession since I was 12!

I am the other side of what you do

and 

I KNOW WHAT YOU DO!