Only one wall left
held up by a thread
if it should break
I have nothing
my whole life's work
shattered.
My box broken
alone and exposed
where do I turn?
all my energy is facing the wall
trying to hold it
to balance it
to keep it standing
for my protection.
while all around
and especially behind me,
where I can't see at all
I am already exposed.
But my wall is all I can see
my safety
that is breaking me
pushing me into the ground
while all around
I don't know what is happening.
Is this me
or is this you?
drop it
let it fall
Let it crumble to the ground.
Look around
Your life's work abound
-all around on the ground.
And now it can be found
These new little pieces,
surrounding me and you,
can now be used to build something new
Something we can walk through.
Friday, August 16, 2019
Wednesday, August 14, 2019
pretty little disaster or maybe rather Pretty Little helping the Disaster
I got permission to come in 3 hours late to work. so that I could sleep.
But at 11:30 I still wasn't sleepy, even though my brain was kind of strained and hurting. I considered just going to work and being on time. But I knew better.
My sweet daughter was concerned, so she told me to drink some chamomile tea and read something boring. "I know Shakespeare. That is usually pretty exhausting," she says. She is so funny.
I followed her instructions and started to read Shakespeare as I sipped tea at the table. She sent me to bed.
I am so glad I have her.
Prior to her care I also figured enough was enough and feeling as wired as I was I knew the clonazpam was probably not going to screw me up and make me too sleepy for the whole day, so I took 1/2 of one. With my sweet daughters help I did get another two hours of sleep out of the concoction.
I do think and hope this concoction and effort may stop another push into the extremes.
Currently I am still at work, with a not bad attitude but also not great. Loving people is not what I do right now. Right now. I don't care and even though I am not feeling overly tired I still just want to go home and go to bed.
Oh the joys of having a messy human head.
But at 11:30 I still wasn't sleepy, even though my brain was kind of strained and hurting. I considered just going to work and being on time. But I knew better.
My sweet daughter was concerned, so she told me to drink some chamomile tea and read something boring. "I know Shakespeare. That is usually pretty exhausting," she says. She is so funny.
I followed her instructions and started to read Shakespeare as I sipped tea at the table. She sent me to bed.
I am so glad I have her.
Prior to her care I also figured enough was enough and feeling as wired as I was I knew the clonazpam was probably not going to screw me up and make me too sleepy for the whole day, so I took 1/2 of one. With my sweet daughters help I did get another two hours of sleep out of the concoction.
I do think and hope this concoction and effort may stop another push into the extremes.
Currently I am still at work, with a not bad attitude but also not great. Loving people is not what I do right now. Right now. I don't care and even though I am not feeling overly tired I still just want to go home and go to bed.
Oh the joys of having a messy human head.
Fine lines
I fell asleep for like 30 minutes and then woke up again. And I am still awake, not feeling very sleepy which concerns me because I am supposed to work from noon to 10:30 pm tonight. Considering how I have been, I'll be an emotional disaster by this afternoon, especially if I don't get some sleep.
But then there is this other thing...
I have more energy.... I went running thinking that would do the trick. I took the dog because he is still not great on a leash and terrible on a leash if he crosses paths with other dogs so I took him to the park where I knew we would likely run into people with dogs and then that would also drain me, so I'd be tired when I got home. I thought these things (and more) very quickly by the way.
Damn it, still not tired
And even worse, I feel happy and hopeful. I am excited about my new therapist and I am finding this psychological thriller I have been living for the past year to be fun again.
And there is this:
It wasn't really about me. It was about him. He made it about him when I so desperately needed it to be about me. When I was paying for it to be about me. When I begged him to keep me.
It wasn't about me.
and how pathetic that is.
I was such a pathetic whisper of a human that even under those circumstances I was invisible or nothing more than a mirror. Which right now I think is pretty freaking funny. In fact I literally just lol'ed.
I don't know why I think it is so funny. Probably because it is, and probably because it is such a beautiful tragedy. A pretty little disaster. Maybe because I have figured all of this out and solved it so many damn times and yet I am still figuring it out and reaching new understandings. It might also be funny because I am so tired of feeling shitty and worthless when I am really not.
Every freaking house has multiple mirrors and if you break one it is bad luck so even if I am nothing more than a mirror, or the invisible piece of glass in front of the mirror, I have some value.
Now I am going to apply for a new job... and then maybe, hopefully, I will sleep
...and hopefully not be on the verge of another joyful manic fiasco.
But then there is this other thing...
I have more energy.... I went running thinking that would do the trick. I took the dog because he is still not great on a leash and terrible on a leash if he crosses paths with other dogs so I took him to the park where I knew we would likely run into people with dogs and then that would also drain me, so I'd be tired when I got home. I thought these things (and more) very quickly by the way.
Damn it, still not tired
And even worse, I feel happy and hopeful. I am excited about my new therapist and I am finding this psychological thriller I have been living for the past year to be fun again.
And there is this:
It wasn't really about me. It was about him. He made it about him when I so desperately needed it to be about me. When I was paying for it to be about me. When I begged him to keep me.
It wasn't about me.
and how pathetic that is.
I was such a pathetic whisper of a human that even under those circumstances I was invisible or nothing more than a mirror. Which right now I think is pretty freaking funny. In fact I literally just lol'ed.
I don't know why I think it is so funny. Probably because it is, and probably because it is such a beautiful tragedy. A pretty little disaster. Maybe because I have figured all of this out and solved it so many damn times and yet I am still figuring it out and reaching new understandings. It might also be funny because I am so tired of feeling shitty and worthless when I am really not.
Every freaking house has multiple mirrors and if you break one it is bad luck so even if I am nothing more than a mirror, or the invisible piece of glass in front of the mirror, I have some value.
Now I am going to apply for a new job... and then maybe, hopefully, I will sleep
...and hopefully not be on the verge of another joyful manic fiasco.
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