maybe instead of fighting it, I just let it settle in and run its course
I'm tired of fighting
whatever it is I am fighting
Sunday, July 7, 2019
Friday, July 5, 2019
the downside continued
I've been a fool thinking I could avoid the crash that inevitably follows... I've kept it at bay for many months now, but I feel it, slowing and pulling. The weight.
Depression is creeping heavily in
...meditations
contemplations.
Exploring my own brain
I find that spot way in the back that is happy and fine.
I can access that. I can pull that out
Bright colors.
Fields of flowers
snow
sunshine
smiles and bright feelings
It's still there
I have to pass through all the dark and heavy;
push it aside
I'll need to listen to it when it nags and pulls or it will creep into my happy and take over before I know it, but the happy is still there
waiting for me to find it again and welcome myself in.
The reality is
this is a heavy burden that I really don't know how to handle and it is extremely complex for me. But there is still so much beauty in everything around me and even inside of me.
Depression is creeping heavily in
...meditations
contemplations.
Exploring my own brain
I find that spot way in the back that is happy and fine.
I can access that. I can pull that out
Bright colors.
Fields of flowers
snow
sunshine
smiles and bright feelings
It's still there
I have to pass through all the dark and heavy;
push it aside
I'll need to listen to it when it nags and pulls or it will creep into my happy and take over before I know it, but the happy is still there
waiting for me to find it again and welcome myself in.
The reality is
this is a heavy burden that I really don't know how to handle and it is extremely complex for me. But there is still so much beauty in everything around me and even inside of me.
Wednesday, July 3, 2019
The harsh realities of TBI and IHC
It's funny how waking up seems to be happening still.
I feel really sad and angry that I broke and they choose to hold it against me. He broke me and then to cover it up he turned me into something I was not. He choose to believe or worked to lead others to believe that I was simply pursuing him in some warped way when I was broken and trying to keep my head above insanity.
I am angry because not only is it difficult, painful and embarrassing to loose touch with reality but they stigmatized me, gaslight and ostracized all to protect him, when in reality that is what I was also trying to do, protect him. I am angry that he manipulated me to protect himself in a way that he knew would or could cause further harm to me.
I started this concussion healing journey with them and I went there because that is what the specialize in. I went there because they understand TBI, or at least they claim to.
but they used it against me.
They would not listen and they would not pay attention to the reality of the situation and they behaviors that I was trying to tell them were not normal for me. They ignored the flooding of memories and the turning point of being able to address PTSD only to later claim it as justification for exiling me.
I am so hurt and I am angry, though I don't really feel anger... just, that I am hurt, deeply. and sad, sad for what this means for me and sad for what this means for them.
I am sad about the lies. That the whole institution is a lie. The Neuroscience Institute of Murray Utah is a lie. Maybe just insurance fraud, for easy money. I am so sad.
The realities of head injury are harsh and sad and this is another one.
I feel really sad and angry that I broke and they choose to hold it against me. He broke me and then to cover it up he turned me into something I was not. He choose to believe or worked to lead others to believe that I was simply pursuing him in some warped way when I was broken and trying to keep my head above insanity.
I am angry because not only is it difficult, painful and embarrassing to loose touch with reality but they stigmatized me, gaslight and ostracized all to protect him, when in reality that is what I was also trying to do, protect him. I am angry that he manipulated me to protect himself in a way that he knew would or could cause further harm to me.
I started this concussion healing journey with them and I went there because that is what the specialize in. I went there because they understand TBI, or at least they claim to.
but they used it against me.
They would not listen and they would not pay attention to the reality of the situation and they behaviors that I was trying to tell them were not normal for me. They ignored the flooding of memories and the turning point of being able to address PTSD only to later claim it as justification for exiling me.
I am so hurt and I am angry, though I don't really feel anger... just, that I am hurt, deeply. and sad, sad for what this means for me and sad for what this means for them.
I am sad about the lies. That the whole institution is a lie. The Neuroscience Institute of Murray Utah is a lie. Maybe just insurance fraud, for easy money. I am so sad.
The realities of head injury are harsh and sad and this is another one.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)