The Seductress

“Stop emailing me” It was a direct command, stated very boldly. It was a side of him I had not seen before and it was a bit scary but mostly it was odd, because it was meant to be scary and it was meant to be a type of Jedi mind trick. I figured that much. and looking back it is funny to me. 

“yeah, sorry about that,” I responded casually, “I figured I had that luxury..."
He scrambled... soft voice, maybe baffled by my reaction, "It's just that it was... very deep and... it could get me in trouble..." or something to that effect, but he didn't seem to know quite what to say or maybe even what he was saying. 
I couldn't figure why it would get him into trouble. Nothing "wrong" had been said or transpired. 
...but then again I was a bit... oh, yep, there it is; manic... which was actually the point I was trying to make or what I was trying to help him see at the time through the emails, (though that was not my manic conscious intention; however, looking back at them it is clearly obvious)
and, well, in those manic times... interpretations are very easily misconstrued.

I think some of his staff think I was there with the intent to seduce. I think they have tried to convince him of that. Or he them. 
It's taken me awhile to figure that one out, because it is harder to figure out the things people suspect or are likely accusing you of when your intentions are so far from that. 
But I think my mystical manic abilities fooled them and they felt threatened by my temporary superpowers, so that is what made sense to their menial mortal minds. 
Which must mean I am really good because they are the professionals. They are the ones with doctorates, fancy titles of influence and accolades and yet they felt and feel threatened by little old me!
A power struggle and I was winning when I wasn't even playing.
its so freaking hilarious!
(but also very frustrating)
and as far as the Jedi mind tricks go: It won't work on me if it is that obvious and I will let you know that you are only allowed to have as much power over me as I allow you to have. I'll obey if I want to obey. 
Buried me, coming to the surface
Yes mam' 
Welcome Back

Cherished and grieved

... and on that note I will add that I am realizing that I can not simply let go and forget those people who I cherish in my heart. When I try to my heart breaks and hurts and I find myself fading and dying with them. And while I may not be able to have them in my life all the time or even at all, I will forever cherish them -no matter the fight I have to fight for me- and my heart will always be open for and to them.
And today, this new day like everyday, I embrace me and continue to work to be the best version of me. Today I am choosing to be patient with my grieving. To love myself through it and forgive myself. To be kind to myself because I did not ask for this and I was not ready to grieve a loss that was both significant to me and confusing.
Today I am not trying to fight, push out or burn up memories I am just letting them be what they are and loving them the way I do when I think of others I have lost.
I would never try to push memories of my brother out, try to force myself to "get over" him. He is cherished to me and I hold onto and cherish the memories of him.
I found strength today in thinking of my ex-therapist similarly. I do not think of him like I do a brother but he was a cherished and dear person to me with whom I connected easily and more deeply than I ever let him know. While I understand I have to let him go and grieve that loss I do not want to lose him anymore than I wanted to lose my brother and so I suppose I will have to let his memories stay... because as he fades and die so do I*
...and I still have far too much life left in me
(*and though that sounds super romantic [kind of super cheesy] and maybe it is; it also may just merely be the one sided reality for the client/patient that was dealt the hand of premature/mishandled termination, lost objectivity, and/or office politics driven decisions in counseling/psychotherapy)

Isabella

While we were in Brazil (my kids and myself) my son participated in a youth beach soccer group once a week -Flamenco's, I believe. It was pretty fun to see what they were teaching the kids in Brazil soccer organizations because many of the moves are "illegal" in our US youth soccer organizations (i.e. bicycle kicks and headers). My daughter and I enjoyed hanging out on the beach and watching while my son played. My daughter participated in dance instead of soccer while there so she hung with me instead of the soccer kids.
One week we met a lady who was visiting Rio from a different Brazilian state. Her daughter being a huge soccer enthusiast was excited to participate in the beach soccer practice.
Isabella had done some schooling in the US and had also lived in New Zealand (the daughter was born there and her dad still lived there) so she was an easy person for us to talk to since she was fluent in English (we were far from fluent in Portuguese).
We hit it off very well, so well that she invited us to come visit her in her home state of Bahia.
This may be the sort of thing that earns me a reputation for being crazy but after some phone conversations and some WhatsApp communication we decided to take her up on the offer. So off we went to stay with Isabella and her daughter and some of their friends for 2 weeks.
My son still considers this the best two weeks of his life. If he could live anywhere or travel anywhere in the world he insists it would be Pria de Forte. It really was an amazing two weeks and I absolutely love and admire the friends we made. We learned so much from them in such a short period of time and had so many great experiences it feels like it was a lifetime worth of experiences.

But there is one image of the beautiful, quirky, carefree, and amazing Isabella that is forever etched in my memory that I find myself more often referring to in my broken brain; it is of Isabella standing in the airport with her eyes closed taking a deep breath and slowly, though not super obviously letting it out. It was and had been a bizarre and stressful day, by no fault of any of our parties (well, maybe a little of it) but she remained calm, present and pleasant. I was impressed.
I had witnessed her doing this other times and it impressed me. Knowing what I knew about her pilates training and enthusiasm I figured it was a centering technique that came from that -I am not certain- but I loved the simple yet profound example she set for me as she would take these deep breaths and release them in such a controlled way.
She is one of my all-time favorite people in this world even though we haven't seen each other for years and rarely talk, but the moments we had are highly cherished and her influence lives on in me forever as I refer back to her when I need to take my own calming and cleansing breaths to help me stay calm, focused and happy. I will forever love her and her daughter as they had become part of my heart.