It it is strange the places this recent situation has taken me. In my marriage especially. It is peculiar how the therapy that turned so very messy [with the therapist I fell madly in love with either through deep meaningful connection or manipulation] started with a book of Tao. It is especially peculiar because I was certain for a time that the reason for transference and timing definitely had a lot to do with my marriage. It may have.
But as I am very open and honest about how I am feeling and what I am thinking it has led to some incredibly bizarre, never thought possible conversations with my husband and I will tell you what, not many men (or women) would handle some of the things I say so well. But he knew I was hurting and he knew that my head was a mess and likely through no fault of my own. And even crazier the "new me" or rediscovered me was helping to facilitate these hard conversations in an effective way. The me that was uncovered and partially created by the therapist who then just about destroyed me, intentionally or not we may never know.
But ultimately we both gave up on our marriage and somehow that has helped us get along in a really pleasant and productive way. Somehow we have been able to talk about moving on while savoring what we have and realizing that we can just let it be what is for now and enjoy it for what is. And we have enjoyed it.*
It seems that letting go of the commitment to our marriage has helped us be more committed to a healthy relationship and each others needs. It has been so helpful and what I have needed through this healing process. I am so glad that I have a good friend in my life who can love me, forgive me, support me, and listen when it is what I really need, even when it is hard to listen to. I often need to talk to help me process and what I need to process in not always so simple, easy to talk about or easy to hear. He has been helpful in listening to what I need to process or need him to understand. We have not always had that but I am grateful for it now.
It is such a strange world I am living in right now.
*that is an sexual innuendo, I rarely, actually use those or mean those though it has come to my attention that I may make them very unintentionally or naively with out realizing it... until it is too late -sigh. But this one is intentional and about as far as I ever care to discuss this very personal topic on such platforms and most other places too but it does seem like it might be a bit important to this story.
Saturday, January 19, 2019
Thursday, January 17, 2019
My Beautiful Broken Brain and other such sources of strength
Over the course of a few days I have watched the Netflix documentary "My Beautiful Broken Brain" about a lady named Lotja that had a stroke at age 34 that left her with brain damage. Her story and recovery seem to be much more severe and extreme than what I went through at age 12 but she also received a lot more help in her recovery so it is a very interesting show for me to watch. I am can relate to much of what she says and some of her experiences. It is fascinating to see her blank-not-blank stares and then her intense happy smile and the shine in her eyes that has behind it an interesting new world that is fascinating and easy to get lost in; the world that "brain injury" has opened up. Some people might call it neuroplasticity and others chemical electricity that causes the firing up of cells and/ neurotransmitters. What ever you call it I can see the world she is in and it makes me feel happy that she can see it and appreciate it for the fascinating place it is. It validates me.
She says a few things I'd like to repeat"
"The film is a really, really important part of this story. ...absolutely born off necessity. It's created a way for me to understand something that is extremely complex and it has created a structure. a narrative structure for me to understand my own story."
"reality is only what we believe and perceive to be true. That makes absolute sense to me. And very little does to me these days."
something to the effect of "It takes a very long time for you learn how to live in your new brain" -
At one point she asks David Lynch if he thinks the brain is the engine of the mind or vice versa.
These and other things really resonate with me.
The film being the narrative born of necessity to help her understand and give structure to something that is extremely complex is an excellent description and explanation for my current writing. Writing helps me process and understand. It helps me move forward. Talking also does. It is not all that I do it is just the part of me that is really working to get through somethings that have turned so much more complicated than they needed to. Whether that is entirely my own fault and of my own making or whether I have just landed myself in a series of unfortunate events that have left me at the mercy of others and led me to this very bizarre place I do not know but that is not what matters most right now. What matters most is what I do about it.
I wish for people understand what has made this last year and a few months so complicated. My brain was injured. But is was also scarred. Scarred physically from an injury that would leave permanent damage and scarred in many other ways as well. The whole picture, all variables, needed to be taken into account and I am sad to say that the researcher that claimed this and treated me lost sight of that with me.
It has been extremely difficult to relive events from your youth that were painful. It is hard to be processing as an adult and a child at the same time. It is difficult to know that so much of you had been lost for so many years because you had not received proper care from the first injury. Mood changes, school struggles, friend problems, balance, push crash cycles, language skills, understanding and being able to read social situations and cues, decision making skills, all of those effected my life and slowly transformed me into who I had become prior to the car accident concussion. The car accident itself led to a whole new set of problems that were then overlooked or over treated as my brain was a new mess of processing and reprocessing that was effected by the way it had learned to cope before.
I knew I did not want to take another 20 plus years to "stabilize" and figure out my world. I knew I wasn't terribly happy with the world I had figured out and I wanted help this time. Help that was not exclusively directed by and figures out by me, the untrained professional.
It was not easy to find that help, but I did find it. It was the absolute best help I could find and I was thrilled. I had to drive farther and I knew I may have to pay more, but it was worth it.
But then tragedy struck at the moment I started to break through and really start to recognize and work on the changes and acceptance that needed to happen to help me heal from both injuries I was dropped. Told I no longer needed treatment and abandoned... All because I recognized my own transference and/or I suggested counter transference that was neither confirmed nor denied but sure earned me a scarlet letter real quick. It is so confusing and immensely more painful than imagined. That rejection, that theft of healing is a make or break you moment. There is not a rational and/or predictable reaction to your own grief and trauma and it usually effects us more profoundly in ways that we never could have ever predicted. Traumatic events are like that, they turn you into something you are not and then you have to figure out the new you with the new insights and experiences that will forever change your perceptions and that you cannot return from. This has been traumatic. I have lost my chance at healing all over again. I have lost my youth and my sense of self worth again. This time stolen with my heart and faith in the system that was actually built to help and protect me in my situation. Then to try and separate yourself mentally from the person that has taught you so much and planted in you how to overcome the very trauma he has caused... It is not a simple task. Why is it not more obvious how damaging this is?
It is unjust and unfair and I don't want to fight the industry. I'd rather utilize, appreciate, love and help. ...and ironically that may be the very thing that got me into trouble. It breaks my heart again and again.
But through it I am finding hope and beauty and though I have felt still more rejection I am choosing not to break. I have also learned who some true friends are and where my strengths really lie.
...And I still type and write in hopes that I may help myself and others because this was not deserved and if my story can help relieve the suffering to any degree or can help people see that there are other ways to do things, ways to work together and not against each other, than it is worth it. It is worth the pain and the reprocessing, the uncomfortable situations and even the embarrassment. I will not be shamed and I will not be blamed. I will fight again for me and my brain.
She says a few things I'd like to repeat"
"The film is a really, really important part of this story. ...absolutely born off necessity. It's created a way for me to understand something that is extremely complex and it has created a structure. a narrative structure for me to understand my own story."
"reality is only what we believe and perceive to be true. That makes absolute sense to me. And very little does to me these days."
something to the effect of "It takes a very long time for you learn how to live in your new brain" -
At one point she asks David Lynch if he thinks the brain is the engine of the mind or vice versa.
These and other things really resonate with me.
The film being the narrative born of necessity to help her understand and give structure to something that is extremely complex is an excellent description and explanation for my current writing. Writing helps me process and understand. It helps me move forward. Talking also does. It is not all that I do it is just the part of me that is really working to get through somethings that have turned so much more complicated than they needed to. Whether that is entirely my own fault and of my own making or whether I have just landed myself in a series of unfortunate events that have left me at the mercy of others and led me to this very bizarre place I do not know but that is not what matters most right now. What matters most is what I do about it.
I wish for people understand what has made this last year and a few months so complicated. My brain was injured. But is was also scarred. Scarred physically from an injury that would leave permanent damage and scarred in many other ways as well. The whole picture, all variables, needed to be taken into account and I am sad to say that the researcher that claimed this and treated me lost sight of that with me.
It has been extremely difficult to relive events from your youth that were painful. It is hard to be processing as an adult and a child at the same time. It is difficult to know that so much of you had been lost for so many years because you had not received proper care from the first injury. Mood changes, school struggles, friend problems, balance, push crash cycles, language skills, understanding and being able to read social situations and cues, decision making skills, all of those effected my life and slowly transformed me into who I had become prior to the car accident concussion. The car accident itself led to a whole new set of problems that were then overlooked or over treated as my brain was a new mess of processing and reprocessing that was effected by the way it had learned to cope before.
I knew I did not want to take another 20 plus years to "stabilize" and figure out my world. I knew I wasn't terribly happy with the world I had figured out and I wanted help this time. Help that was not exclusively directed by and figures out by me, the untrained professional.
It was not easy to find that help, but I did find it. It was the absolute best help I could find and I was thrilled. I had to drive farther and I knew I may have to pay more, but it was worth it.
But then tragedy struck at the moment I started to break through and really start to recognize and work on the changes and acceptance that needed to happen to help me heal from both injuries I was dropped. Told I no longer needed treatment and abandoned... All because I recognized my own transference and/or I suggested counter transference that was neither confirmed nor denied but sure earned me a scarlet letter real quick. It is so confusing and immensely more painful than imagined. That rejection, that theft of healing is a make or break you moment. There is not a rational and/or predictable reaction to your own grief and trauma and it usually effects us more profoundly in ways that we never could have ever predicted. Traumatic events are like that, they turn you into something you are not and then you have to figure out the new you with the new insights and experiences that will forever change your perceptions and that you cannot return from. This has been traumatic. I have lost my chance at healing all over again. I have lost my youth and my sense of self worth again. This time stolen with my heart and faith in the system that was actually built to help and protect me in my situation. Then to try and separate yourself mentally from the person that has taught you so much and planted in you how to overcome the very trauma he has caused... It is not a simple task. Why is it not more obvious how damaging this is?
It is unjust and unfair and I don't want to fight the industry. I'd rather utilize, appreciate, love and help. ...and ironically that may be the very thing that got me into trouble. It breaks my heart again and again.
But through it I am finding hope and beauty and though I have felt still more rejection I am choosing not to break. I have also learned who some true friends are and where my strengths really lie.
...And I still type and write in hopes that I may help myself and others because this was not deserved and if my story can help relieve the suffering to any degree or can help people see that there are other ways to do things, ways to work together and not against each other, than it is worth it. It is worth the pain and the reprocessing, the uncomfortable situations and even the embarrassment. I will not be shamed and I will not be blamed. I will fight again for me and my brain.
Upcycling
The whole picture. I wrote about how I am cycling and it can be perceived as rumination. I have written about how I get stuck in my head sometimes. I talk about some of the same things and to others that may feel redundant. However, that is not the whole picture. I am not stuck in my head nearly as much as it could be perceived that I am.
I was reading this article this morning and reflected on my recent experiences I realized that this may be the image I am projecting...https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/2019/01/trapped-in-a-circle-of-your-own-self-doubt-3-steps-out/
...and I paused to find and insert this article but got sidetracked by email.
I sent one to that Dr. that, in his carelessness or dabbling of the dark arts, had sent me spiraling into and exiled outer-space. I wanted to give him the chance to fix things before I pursued complaints against what I am now feeling and logically perceiving as "unethical treatment."
He decided I was a threat and liability so he called my treatment done, and because I have been documenting my "crazy," my thoughts and feelings, it can make it easy for him to turn things into just that. Write me off as "our treatment of that issue is done, you are healed of that," thus relieving him and his clinic of their obligations in treating me and making sure he or they had not accidentally or intentionally done harm.
I am at a huge disadvantage because they will definitely be bias toward protecting him. I have already been blamed as I look back frustrated that he wouldn't hear me when I cried and tried and fought desperately for him to understand and continue to provide or help me find the appropriate help.
I have surgery that I am facing that is directly related to the car injury.
I am reliving my trauma from my youth that is directly related to the car accident and head injury from that.
It is strange to be an adult and a child at the same time.
I am cycling through the intensities of the emotions one experiences with that.
The whole picture of me had been lost. I had forgotten and buried so much and when did that happen? Did it happen with the crash? Some of it feels like yes and some of it feels like no.
"So this is all part of the job" I asked Not really given answer, I think he responded with a question. "We have been working to uncover my buried story and now you are just going to take it all back?" I asked when I could finally get into see him after two weeks of ... I won't label...
But when I was just breaking through is precisely when he decided to drop me.
When he decided I was "cured" of needing him and his expertise. I needed to figure out again what I was really capable of occupationally. My relationships were a mess and TBI was a major factor in this. All of this was just coming to light, it had not been addressed.
He did not want to work with me anymore but that does not mean that his skillset was no longer needed. On the contrary his skillset is exactly what was needed. What a curse for him, if it really is true that no-one else in his practice could have taken me and there are no others with similar skillsets he could have referred me to.
This is very frustrating. It is a crazy, terrible and yet beautiful story that I can appreciate for many reasons and for what it is but it is also very frustrating. Other peoples methods of self preservation and justification are very frustrating to me.
so as I stay true to letting things come out and be what they are as I write (on my blog and on my ever increasing report on studying myself) I will let this one stay also.
...I will have to edit later since I need to go now.. But this feels important to me to publish now
I was reading this article this morning and reflected on my recent experiences I realized that this may be the image I am projecting...https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/2019/01/trapped-in-a-circle-of-your-own-self-doubt-3-steps-out/
...and I paused to find and insert this article but got sidetracked by email.
I sent one to that Dr. that, in his carelessness or dabbling of the dark arts, had sent me spiraling into and exiled outer-space. I wanted to give him the chance to fix things before I pursued complaints against what I am now feeling and logically perceiving as "unethical treatment."
He decided I was a threat and liability so he called my treatment done, and because I have been documenting my "crazy," my thoughts and feelings, it can make it easy for him to turn things into just that. Write me off as "our treatment of that issue is done, you are healed of that," thus relieving him and his clinic of their obligations in treating me and making sure he or they had not accidentally or intentionally done harm.
I am at a huge disadvantage because they will definitely be bias toward protecting him. I have already been blamed as I look back frustrated that he wouldn't hear me when I cried and tried and fought desperately for him to understand and continue to provide or help me find the appropriate help.
I have surgery that I am facing that is directly related to the car injury.
I am reliving my trauma from my youth that is directly related to the car accident and head injury from that.
It is strange to be an adult and a child at the same time.
I am cycling through the intensities of the emotions one experiences with that.
The whole picture of me had been lost. I had forgotten and buried so much and when did that happen? Did it happen with the crash? Some of it feels like yes and some of it feels like no.
"So this is all part of the job" I asked Not really given answer, I think he responded with a question. "We have been working to uncover my buried story and now you are just going to take it all back?" I asked when I could finally get into see him after two weeks of ... I won't label...
But when I was just breaking through is precisely when he decided to drop me.
When he decided I was "cured" of needing him and his expertise. I needed to figure out again what I was really capable of occupationally. My relationships were a mess and TBI was a major factor in this. All of this was just coming to light, it had not been addressed.
He did not want to work with me anymore but that does not mean that his skillset was no longer needed. On the contrary his skillset is exactly what was needed. What a curse for him, if it really is true that no-one else in his practice could have taken me and there are no others with similar skillsets he could have referred me to.
This is very frustrating. It is a crazy, terrible and yet beautiful story that I can appreciate for many reasons and for what it is but it is also very frustrating. Other peoples methods of self preservation and justification are very frustrating to me.
so as I stay true to letting things come out and be what they are as I write (on my blog and on my ever increasing report on studying myself) I will let this one stay also.
...I will have to edit later since I need to go now.. But this feels important to me to publish now
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