in and out of the rabbit hole

On last year;

Reprocessing… Maybe it is best not to reprocess any of it. Sometimes as I start to reprocess so many times of feeling like I don’t belong and I identify some of the reasons for that I start to feel that I don’t belong in this world at all. I can feel this in both positive and negative ways. 

I am tired again. 

I will get surgery on my ankle sooner rather than later because 1. It is hurting too much when I teach and snowboard now which is increasing the risk of further damage and injury. I was able to get away with it last year because I couldn’t and didn’t ride much due to the concussion and the chiropractor was treating. Plus the head and other pains kept me from feeling it as much. But I did feel it because I got really good at riding switch (riding with the opposite foot as the lead foot) from that and the fact that I was already off balance made going switch not nearly as scary. (because it already was scary riding off balance) 2. I am already sleeping so terribly and my brain is a mess because of that so I’d rather not prolong that any longer than I have to because the surgery is likely going to screw that up too. 3. Since writing seems to be what I can and am driven to do right now, I could take advantage of that time for writing. 4. I would like to get all this crap addressed sooner rather than later so I can move on with my life. 

Tenacity

In my adolescence I was given that label as a nickname.

Sometimes I figure things out before I actually figure things out.
or another way to look at that might be;
sometimes people think I have things figured out before I actually do.
This is an interesting thing to observe and think about.
I see it in teaching a lot.
One way we learn is by parroting and mimicking. But that does not mean the concept has been fully understood or grasped, it can merely be part of the learning process.
Sometimes my intuition and instinct will give answers from my mouth and it is after that point that I start to process what I am saying.
I do not think I am unusual in that.
Often where we think we are different we are the same
and where we think we are the same we are different

and sometimes I don't have things figured out and wouldn't (or don't even care to) figure it out if they didn't get nervous and start making mistakes due to their own suspicion of me... that is reflective of them or projected onto me

I likely do the same thing

Oh dear brain... you may need to stop while you are still ahead (haha, that's a funny play on words too and I did exactly what I talked about, processed what I said after saying it)

what the...?

And other times I'm like "what the hell just happened??" or "what the hell was wrong with me?!"
and I'm back to my same old self when I look in the mirror.