My son has been doing alliteration exercises in his English class. He thinks they are fun. That is one thing he and I have in common. I also adore alliterations, only my son likes to end them at two or three words and I am like, "you got a good thing going, don't stop there." ...or maybe I'm more like, "you gotta good groove going guy, lets give it even greater gusto!"
That's my off tangent on the title.
...though I suppose I can tie it in.
I also like my concussion doctor. She taught me the word pathological today. I know the word but I don't. "explain?" I ask.
She says something like: It means there is something bad or wrong about that statement or line of thinking.
I looked it up upon arriving home, it can also mean diseased, impulsive, obsessive, habitual and some other stuff.
I like that she used that word. She was calling me out or pointing out something that needed to be fixed. I liked that she allowed me to fix it and still directed attention to maybe a need for further and deeper fixing.
She also pointed out that dear ex-therapist, her associate in the same office, could not have been the "right" therapist for me because he is the reason I got to that point. "Thank you for recognizing that" I say. It is the first time anyone at the facility has acknowledged that. It is the first time that anyone there has acknowledged that something was not right in the therapeutic relationship with dear dr. neuropsychologist and that the responsibility is on him, not me.
...I still defended him though... that is probably pathological too.
I think we maybe, with out saying it, agreed to disagree about him being the right or wrong therapist for me. I still think he was.
"It was bad timing" I say.
And deep down inside I think I still hold onto the belief that he could fix this. Fix the harm he has caused and even go so far as helping me work through the issue's I'd hoped he would help me with.
I am probably wrong.
Maybe I give too many chances, maybe I have too much confidence in people once I do, maybe I am just a silly little girl. I don't know.
...I am wrong and I know it because he thinks he can't and may not be allowed to so therefore whether I think he can or I think he can't, I am wrong.
But it doesn't really matter anymore.
Dr. Concussion is all about moving forward. Which is why she knows and understands that I have to say goodbye even though I want to keep her and I don't want to start over with an entirely new team.
I am not sure what that looks like. She feels I need a psychiatrist and a psychologist.
I think I need to admit I am not sure if I am really ready for that team.
Besides she talked me through and eased some of my fears about head injury and brain damage. She gave me knowledge and knowledge is power so maybe I can stay charged on that power source for a bit? ...or is that pathological?.
I am being funny now. btw
But fears faced are far less powerful and TBI is one I have avoided learning too much about prior to this breaking of me because it scared me. Now I find it is far less frightening than I thought as it fills in holes and gaps in my understanding and my personal history. I have new favorite words like neuroplasticity -today I learned there are basically 9 kinds. And I have better hope and understanding for my future.
There is a teaching style that I really like (maybe because it works well for me as a learner) that uses learning targets and goals, set out even before the lessons begin. I like that it answers the mystery of where one is going and "why do I need to know this?" at the beginning of the learning process. I am far from the beginning but, at the same time, everyday is a new beginning.
Thank you concussion doctor for listening, for actually listening and for remembering with me why I was there when all else in your operation have been caught up in something entirely different, not entirely sure what, but it is most certainly not about my wellbeing, health and healing.
You will save your fearful facility from my powerful pathological destructive forces no doubt :)
And I,... I will move on now. with radical acceptance.
{...Which would ironically make me right; that ex-therapist really was the right person for me- because he both helped me so much and broke me so completely.
..."It's a Tao thing, you wouldn't understand" - is the dumb thought that pops into my head and it is so stupid and funny to me that I have to type}
Wednesday, May 15, 2019
Tuesday, May 14, 2019
a well groomed coincidence
Here is something funny.
Today my physical therapist told me that I reminded him of a good friend of his.
He reminded me of how he had thought that the first time I came to physical therapy, only he hadn't told me that then. We talked about whether he had or had not. He thought he had told me this already because I guess I have reminded him of her quite a bit and we have had some very significant conversations, but he had not told me about this friend. Maybe he had told me that I reminded him of a friend but I know he had not told me about this friend because, that friend, I'd have remembered him mentioning.
Apparently I remind him of this friend he has had since college and still keeps in touch with. He says she had some serious childhood trauma. She was kidnapped twice by the same guy. And there has recently been a documentary made about it.
-I think instantly of the Netflix show "Abducted in Plain Sight" I had watched a few months back. It was disturbing and fascinating. It was also helpful. She was an example to me. I remember how, though I had experienced nothing like this poor girl, this show made me realize and face the fact that I was and had been behaving like someone who had been groomed. -
I ask physical therapist what his friends name is.
Jan Brodbank
"Really?" I mention the name of the show. Yep, it's the same. I am intrigued. Why do I remind him of her?
He tells me a variety of things. One part is the trauma of a situation where the people who are supposed to be caring for you are betraying you. That was my ex-therapist and his IHC facility. It was also in a way, my parents who kind of screwed up, unintentionally in abandoning me when my brain was so broken and I needed more support as a teen.
I tell physical therapist how I found the documentary helpful and why, even though my situation was nothing like that. I tell him it made me think "I'm behaving like someone who has been groomed."
He tells me that is one significant way I reminded him of his friend, Jan. He had thought that very thing from our first conversation. Trying to protect a person who had and was causing me harm. Feeling conflicted about what to do and say, and how to stand up for myself with out hurting someone else. Not sure if I should speak out louder.
We, physical therapist and I, both are unsure if it was intentional or not from my ex-therapist and he has given me good insight in our conversations about this topic, but he sees many parallels that I share with this lady and that is one.
It is interesting.
and I am glad that he sees that and he understands some about the conflict I have with my captors mistakes being ignored very much to my expense.
Physical therapist, so sweet, so kind, so insightful agrees it very well could have been unintentional "grooming" but he points out to me the selfishness of ex-therapist in his effort to protect himself.
Sometimes life and coincidences are so very fascinating.
Today my physical therapist told me that I reminded him of a good friend of his.
He reminded me of how he had thought that the first time I came to physical therapy, only he hadn't told me that then. We talked about whether he had or had not. He thought he had told me this already because I guess I have reminded him of her quite a bit and we have had some very significant conversations, but he had not told me about this friend. Maybe he had told me that I reminded him of a friend but I know he had not told me about this friend because, that friend, I'd have remembered him mentioning.
Apparently I remind him of this friend he has had since college and still keeps in touch with. He says she had some serious childhood trauma. She was kidnapped twice by the same guy. And there has recently been a documentary made about it.
-I think instantly of the Netflix show "Abducted in Plain Sight" I had watched a few months back. It was disturbing and fascinating. It was also helpful. She was an example to me. I remember how, though I had experienced nothing like this poor girl, this show made me realize and face the fact that I was and had been behaving like someone who had been groomed. -
I ask physical therapist what his friends name is.
Jan Brodbank
"Really?" I mention the name of the show. Yep, it's the same. I am intrigued. Why do I remind him of her?
He tells me a variety of things. One part is the trauma of a situation where the people who are supposed to be caring for you are betraying you. That was my ex-therapist and his IHC facility. It was also in a way, my parents who kind of screwed up, unintentionally in abandoning me when my brain was so broken and I needed more support as a teen.
I tell physical therapist how I found the documentary helpful and why, even though my situation was nothing like that. I tell him it made me think "I'm behaving like someone who has been groomed."
He tells me that is one significant way I reminded him of his friend, Jan. He had thought that very thing from our first conversation. Trying to protect a person who had and was causing me harm. Feeling conflicted about what to do and say, and how to stand up for myself with out hurting someone else. Not sure if I should speak out louder.
We, physical therapist and I, both are unsure if it was intentional or not from my ex-therapist and he has given me good insight in our conversations about this topic, but he sees many parallels that I share with this lady and that is one.
It is interesting.
and I am glad that he sees that and he understands some about the conflict I have with my captors mistakes being ignored very much to my expense.
Physical therapist, so sweet, so kind, so insightful agrees it very well could have been unintentional "grooming" but he points out to me the selfishness of ex-therapist in his effort to protect himself.
Sometimes life and coincidences are so very fascinating.
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