The Void

"don't try to solve this"
he really doesn't understand...and I know I've gone here before, visited these thoughts a million times. Is it healthy? Is it productive to visit them again? I don't know. It feels like slow and steady progress and I realize more and more in my continued struggle to accept the me that was so boldly rejected by the gods that determine who is worthy of acceptance and who is not. the Therapists, their Superiors, Colleagues, and Teams.
Are they my gods? will I allow them to be my gods?
My instinct for survival will not allow it, because they have rejected me and to be rejected by the gods who determine who is worthy of saving and accepting then what?
...he doesn't understand
I am not trying to simply solve "this" situation or him. I am not at all sure what the "this" is that he is referring to.
I am trying to solve me.
that is why I was there in the first place, I needed to solve me.
I don't really know how or what that looks like. I thought he did. I trusted him. ...and my thoughts are derailed again.
I have been reading a book by Lori Gottlieb called, "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone." It is about a therapist who is seeing a therapist. and oh yeah, now I remember what I came her to process...Too much... all at once. because I want to get this whole thing over and done with and move on quickly because it has already taken me too long. So naturally this book has all the answers I am looking for and all the answers to help me solve me.
Yep, this blog really does help me process and can help give me clarity as I just let whatever come out, come out. I wasn't thinking that but as I am trying to write my thoughts I realize that is what is happening and what I am trying to do.
Still rebelling against being patient with myself which has prolonged the process far more than shortened it.
These are new revelations to me as I write and I am liking this epiphany
but going to redirect now anyway back to one point I thought on processing that the book from my new therapist god Gottlieb (wait didn't I just reject the notion of therapist gods? or am I just rejecting the IHC Murray therapist gods?-ooh bold, I'm putting a name on... we'll see if I come back and change this, I might be turning the heat up on them... I might be choosing to fight a little harder for the righting of the injustice of their wrongs. Maybe I am increasingly annoyed by the evidence of wrongdoing and their complete unwillingness to work with me to right any of the harm they have caused. and they have. It is not good enough that they will use this to "help the with future clients" because that is bullshit and likely the "help" will be how they protect their money grab and insurance claims...
a tangent again,
yep, too much to process and too little time... inspired by a new source,
where I'm going with this,
yet to be determined
but I'll enjoy the ride because its not about the destination, the adventure is in getting there...
)
.railed again? no... rather here's the short list of thoughts this book has brought up today:
1. What is the emotional void that ex-therapist was filling and has now come to represents? -confidence, self acceptance, self love, acceptance, meaningful intellectual conversation, deeper connection, mysteries of TBI and how it actually effected my life-? not sure and I am kind of surprised by how not sure I am
2. what was the "precursor self-confession" of the dream I had prior to the complete system failure?
3. How do I "isolate myself" really?
4. What was my role in my family? -to gain them attention for my looks? (I had the blond hair and blue eyes... I was a cute little thing, but not spectacular) -to be the baby girl? to be the klutz? middle child? validator of my parents middle child syndromes? I don't know

the process
lifelong
sometimes fun
sometime interesting
sometimes a bugger of a job
when you've got so much going on. so many angles
aaaww the beauty and complexity of life
...what is my emotional void that is looking for a voice and validation?
Do I love men too much?
Do I have a cheating heart?
is it really not about ex-therapist at all?

Last appointment with concussion Dr. ... my eyes are drawn to about 4 inches of an arm. That is all that is visible of a person around the wall. Folded long sleeve button up shirt and bit of skin. Darker than I remember but I recognize it. The voice from the other side of the wall confirms. How am I so aware of this person? How did I know who it was by just that small piece of him.
I have walked right past my husband -and other friends and family members I know so very well- without even recognizing them, even when I am looking for them.
My drug of choice?
what is the deep void he has come to represent?

*a connection to a higher power? -that's a thought- I wish not to explore at this moment in time. so I'll log it real small- make note- and maybe revisit, later- when I feel prepared to explore- and as I say it this seems so obviously the void... maybe too obvious... so maybe not the void- overthinking over analyzing? as a way to justify myself out of facing it? 
-less speaking/thinking, more doing-
damned ex-therapist
I wish you hadn't been so lovable ...and helpful

Too

Just a friendly reminder to who all who read or follow:
this blog is reflective of what I am feeling in the moment and not reflective of me as a whole.
Sometimes I need to allow myself to feel things so they may pass. Sometimes writing helps me process my feelings.
So please remember you are only reading the part of me that most needs processing assistance.
Thank you.

...that said
here is what's in my head
even though I don't think I really need this writing to process at the moment (blog was just up)
My mood is mostly okay, but still unstable
that is frustrating to me
I find I am spending too much time reminding myself that I am okay
that I am happy
I am
I just don't want to be reminding myself so much. I like better when it is more of my base and I am stable in it; only rocked occasionally by things that are significant rockers or with lots of build up... maybe that is a judgement. Whose to say what's significant anyway?
maybe because I am not, less significant things will rock my world.
... no, that analogy doesn't work so well. Small, seemingly insignificant things seem to be more sturdy. Small, low profile things tend to withstand greater winds and storms.
Maybe I am not so insignificant, maybe I am too big so I am easily shaken.
My emotions are often too big. Until they are not.
...I am off on a "me" tangent that I don't want to be on
and I don't really care about this nonsense anyway.
 I would like to feel more stable and solid in my emotions again. I am tired of the the tears.
Though some experiences are so exquisite we wish to savor them forever, I think I'd like for this one to pass now. Fade into the void it has left behind
... the trouble with being too much. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-emotional-intensity/201805/feeling-intensely-the-wounds-being-too-much
But it's only this moment
then I'm off to outside
a beautiful day
-scared of my ankle
but going anyway-
smile and play
that's more my way