past blast on being angry

I journaled these thoughts back in August, long before (at least it feels a bit like forever too me) my recent "break through" and self studying journalling experience started. After my conversation with the lovely lady yesterday I think this could be helpful information to some.

8/29/18

A friend told me about a book she read. Part of it talked about the forbidden emotions in dysfunctional families. How there is one forbidden emotion.

I think my forbidden emotion-my own- is anger. I don’t handle it from others well and I don’t handle it well from myself.

So I avoid it.

And I’m not too sure how that affects me, my decision making, and my relationships.

It seems that anger is part of the emotional process of coping. It is part of the grieving processes. Maybe I need to stop looking at it as “bad”

Anger, In my opinion, is masking an underlying problem or emotion and is almost never fully justified, or if it is justified maybe I don’t view it as constructive.

But maybe it is or can be constructive?… maybe... when it is embraced as a valid and justifiable emotion that deserves a spot in the counsel of the ego?


Right now I feel angry

...because I don’t want to deal with all the bills and insurance and lawyer stuff from the car accident.

I feel angry that it was already hard to organize and structure my mental energy and time and now it seems immensely harder

… all because that lady didn’t stop, didn’t signal, and didn’t wait her turn or turn and check again and then didn’t maneuver her left turn correctly.

But then I feel angry with myself too because I was hurrying across the intersection. I went the way that made me more nervous in the first place and I don’t remember being aware of her before I started into the intersection (though that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t, I took a hard blow to the head, I may have been) but I wasn’t more aware of her… Just saying it I feel that my anger with myself for those things is somewhat unjustified, I feel that I would never be angry with someone else for those things, and if I were it would only because I feel scared and worried for them (like when I get mad at my kids for getting hurt. I’m not mad, I’m scared and worried) I think it is okay to forgive myself those offenses.

But what about the anger I feel for myself because it wasn’t even that bad of an accident and it’s been such a hassle and a hold up. Am I just using it as an excuse and I am angry at myself for using it as an excuse? Or am I angry because it really has tipped an already delicate scale and I AM angry about it (writing the latter makes me cry). And I am angry that the scale was already delicate and damaged.

Is the anger I am feeling keeping me from taking care of what I need to. Is the suppressed anger what is causing the avoidance, the embarrassment, and compounding the problem, etc?

I think I may be afraid to be angry because anger has hurt me and others in the past. My anger has hurt me and others.

Maybe I am afraid that if I embrace it even a little all the other anger I have will come out and I will be so angry. A raging angry maniac

Or I will just cry… but I do that anyway, shut in, cry, retract…

So I am not so angry at the moment.

Maybe anger comes in waves?

Maybe anger passes quickly when you decide to face it, embrace it, accept it, or even just allow yourself to feel it and analyze it?

I think I have written out what I need to today.

But can I face the medical bills? Can I bring myself to call my lawyer that used to be my friend in school years?

Or is that maybe it is embarrassment and shame?

But I’ll save that for another day.

...and now I am tired.

neuroplasticity

What is Neuroplasticity?

Here is a "medical definition" and a link with great information about it:

"Neuroplasticity: The brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life. Neuroplasticity allows the neurons (nerve cells) in the brain to compensate for injury and disease and to adjust their activities in response to new situations or to changes in their environment."
https://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=40362 https://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=40362 

And here is the definition from the other side of the tracks...oh wait; the other side of the tracks, also referred to as "the wrong side of the tracks," is where  I grew up... so maybe I "should" call it the definition from the other side of the profession. Yeah that works.

And here is the definition from the other side of the profession:
Neuroplastcity: the ability of your brain to make new connections in an attempt to restore functionality and stability by learning to take and make new paths that may be uncomfortable and unnatural for you and others. 
Your brain now works things out differently and you need to let it. It's okay. With mTBI [concussions] it is likely that your brain has just learned and realized, through the rattling and shaking   (that works something like a waking), that there is more to it than it formerly realized and/or has forgotten about and it may be a bit excited and overly anxious to access and utilize some of those new area's. It may even forget how efficient it had become as it is having flashbacks of the excitement of being a new life once again. It's neural connections are firing all over as it tries to remember how it worked before. [I speculate and would love to see a study or do a study to see if the concussed/injured brain behaves similar to an infant or child's brain on an FMRI, this could potentially explain the emotional instability that is so common and also difficult to deal with in concussed and head injured patients]. 

Appropriate guidance through and during these processes can be immensely helpful. 
But finding skilled professionals who understand this and know how to guide you through this is incredibly difficult. 
Even more difficult than I thought as I had a conversation just yesterday with a lovely lady from San Francisco who has not been able to find appropriate help with this. I thought it would be much easier to find in a large area like that with great schools in the area... so that causes feelings of sadness in me.

So these are my thoughts that are waking and/or keeping awake at 3:40 am. And I know that screens will not help me go back to sleep but I also know that my brain will not sleep easily and wants to hold onto things it feels are important and get them done quickly or as soon as possible less it forgets. It is a coping mechanism and strategy that I use and that helps me feel more happy and productive when I do utilize it (that strategy being: get it done when you think about it so you don't forget and it comes back to haunt you when you either, a) can't do anything about it or b) it is too late to do it and you have lost that window of opportunity.)
*In this blog entry I am "modeling my thinking" as I write more than one would typically say. Modeling your thinking is an effective teaching method one learns when they become a teacher (at least I learned it in my program. I have worked with some teachers that did not seem to learn that strategy) 
I use it here to illustrate this actually happening to some extent in a somewhat comical way and I now explain this to further illustrate and because I have learned that my re-routed thinking styles are often misunderstood. *
**The other side of the profession is referring to me and my experiences of learning and education from having suffered a TBI at 12 and a more recent mTBI.