yesterday

Yesterday,
after starting the day off real low, I had a great day teaching snowboarding. I got to help a kid face his fears, taking him to the next level. He had a bit of a melt down. I had a good conversation with his dad and in the end I at least got to tell the boy that he did it. Nobody else. He made it down with the fear anxiety and all and that is something he can be very proud of.
I had other fantastic students as well. For a moment, before we switched her to her correct starting group I had a lovely 50+ year old lady with neuropathy who was just learning how to snowboard. She had been misplaced into my group because it had been assumed when she talked about going up a certain lift/hill the day before she had been in a lesson. She had not and she knew nothing about snowboarding so I had to level her down, which she was embarrassed about, but my thought, and I shared this with her, was how freaking awesome she was for having tried it on her own. Everybody assumed she had a lesson because that kind of bravery from a lady her age from a state with no snow is kind of unheard of.
I love this job because I get to meet really great people and I get to work with really great people, who are fun and open minded. They laugh easy and care. It pays lousy but the payoff is quite high.
It was crazy for me to be teaching concussed last year. I know this even more this year as my balance and brain are so much better and I am relieved to know I am a good snowboarder again and the mess of my brain last year has not taken that from me forever.
Snowboarding last year was "A bit reckless" some might say, but it was the home and comfort that I needed. The connection with nature and people that kept me going and kept me okay through a very hard time. It helped me heal.
I am grateful for the job. For my Neverland.
I am curious about my cycling right now.
But grateful that I have come so far.
This type of daily cycling used to be so much more painful and difficult and my self-talk was so hard to redirect, control, whatever.
I am still cycling. Today I am starting a bit low, with yet another lingering cold, but at least I get to work again. And all will be well again. I am grateful I have that confidence now.

Rapid cycling

1/1/19 8:30pm
I used to wonder about a thing called "rapid cycling." The term seemed to fit me as I would find myself cycling between extreme highs and lows multiple times within a day or from day to day. But usually it was within the same day. I looked up what it meant but it turned out that what I was experiencing was not really what was defined as rapid cycling. From what I remember the term referred to bipolar types of mania/hypo-mania and depression cycles that would last for a few days to weeks per each up and down swing. Since it was not something that happened that rapidly and I was not "bipolar" I figured the medical/psychological defined term was not a condition or symptom that matched me. I am pretty sure I asked a doctor/psychiatrist/counselor about it also and by their definition it did not fit.
But the term rapid cycle in a different sense is very fitting. Today could be considered a "rapid cycle" day, though not quite the same as they way I would experience it years ago when I wondered about the term. I was not up and down all day and I did not have to work so hard to change somewhat crazy cyclical thinking patterns. Upon reflection now I wonder if my previous "rapid cycling" was just immature and unskilled fighting of negative/destructive and unhealthy thought processes. As I would try to fight my negative thoughts I'd upswing. Upswing as I tried to tell myself the positive or talk myself out of the negative. I would down swing as I realized the ridiculousness of positives. I was fighting myself. At least those are parts as I remember.

 since my "normal" may be "too intense" who freaking knows