Silver Linings

Psychiatric PA says, "that is not a good spot for injury" referring to the location of the visible scaring and encephalomalacia. She is also the one who said something about the prolonged mania and bipolar  like mood instability being "hard on brains."
BUT
here in Cancun we discovered one advantage to these two trials, tragedies, traumas, or whatever you want call them: when you are in a timeshare style presentation, your brain will inevitably get tired and then the unstable emotions may come out.
AND you can clam having brain damage and not be lying.
So yesterday, during the high pressure sales presentation we were sitting so I was facing a very large sunny window after we had been inundated with information and I felt soooo tired. I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. Probably the fact that we had started our travels at 2 am the previous day and we were in a foreign country where we were exhorted for significant amounts for auto insurance buy the car company people and speeding by the police, did not help. But as my brain was feeling the exhaustion and my cognitive stamina was wanting I could feel the emotions starting to surface. I felt like crying. For no reason other than I was tired really. But the mental fatigue was making it very difficult for me to pay attention and to follow all of their deals and jargon. The sales kid was starting to get annoyed. I tried to explain I wasn't okay and he decided we should not waste each others time so he gave up and took us to who I am certain is the closer. He starts breaking into his sales spiel. I try to explain that I need to go lay down, he keeps up his talk and I find myself covering my face as crocodile tears start to run uncontrollably down my face. Closer is a bit confused. My husband explains that I am not feeling well and I really need to go lay down. The closer quickly shows us the bottom line deal and excuses because the tears just won't stop. I apologize and we return to our room so I can rest and reset my tired broken brain. It was annoying and silly but at least it got us off the hook rather quickly from feeling obligated to purchase a vacation points system that is way to confusing and we still get to enjoy the all inclusive amenities for the remaining 4 days we are booked here.

How to temper the temper.

I got to see Dr. She today. I needed this appointment. She is glad I had the MRI's and I am getting some answers. She wants me to continue down the rabbit hole and that is so funny to me that she says it that way because the "friend" that was claiming to help and be there but ultimately is too scared to stand up for me in reality and legalities, accused me of thinking myself into a rabbit hole. I tried to explain that it was really more the other way around. In mania and PTSD and what ever was going on with my head and Dr. P, the rabbit hole got me and I have actually been trying to think myself out of it.  Old "friend" psychologically would like to still be the hero, so he finds ways to blame me to relieve himself of the guilt of misleading when he really does not want to be involved, so he says, "that is just what you have to tell yourself to feel good about what you are doing."
Really, what a jerk thing to say. and the bipolar brain damaged part of me wants to unleash and explode they way my body caves to and the way I rightfully could given my ailments or conditions. It can be hard to refrain, sometimes even harder when medicated because then you really know just how big of a jerk they other person is being and since you aren't having to work so damn hard to keep yourself together and all your emotions contained sometimes the emotions sneak out because you have been able to relax some.
So it is very funny to me that Dr. She who is very knowledgable, experienced and qualified is telling me to continue on chasing through this rabbit hole.
At a different point I tell her I feel like lashing out at friends (like the above mentioned.) I ask her permission or her thoughts.
I love that she points out the location and types of injuries as evidenced by my MRI's and lets me know that my lashing out and/or wanting to actually corresponds to my injuries. It is an expected behavior. She says more, and in much more intelligent ways than I can't reiterate, and I wish I could reiterate better (another difficulty for me due to the locations of injuries) because it is so funny and validating.
But as I push for her permission, she reminds me of the realities of why I am asking and why I resist lashing out. She advises. And that is exactly what I need at times. It is very helpful when those urges become so overwhelming. This is also another way I have learned to cope and handle my disabilities and intensities. I ask for help. I ask for permission and I have worked hard to resist urges that may be damaging. At times, if I can frame it in this way, I can hold off an exploding, until I have been granted permission. And permission is usually not given but conversation allows for some outlet of the pressure and often I can avoid an explosion altogether. People likely don't realize how much permission I really ask for and I am certain they do not understand that I am actually asking for permission. I am pretty good at controlling emotions in this way. But not always perfect and my passions come out to bite me in the butt from time to time.
I have noticed it is especially difficult when I am under stress or tired.
That is common for most people I believe, but multiplied and/or heightened for me.
Just like the likelihood of suicide.
It can take a lot of effort to be level and "normal" when your regulators are damaged.
Like I have said before, sometimes I want to show people just how big of a pain in the ass I have not been. But I mostly resist.
Your Welcome.
Love,
Me

bad games.

It's a game to him.
It is a game to them.
I am so mad right now because it was just a game to them.
I was a game.
They treated me like I was there playing games.
My head hurts
my heart hurts
my head hurts
and I am mad
I am mad
it does not disappear
the pain in my head
the ringing in my ear
the mood instability
this is not a game to me
and this is not fun
I am paying for them to have played with me
to lie
and play stupid games
for my money?
 for their egos?
They did not look or try to figure out what was going on with my head
they just wanted me dead
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
...and it replays
every time my head starts to hurt
it replays and I know
he was playing with me
a toy
that is all I was
a toy
and he gets to decided, he holds all the cards
and he can manipulate it to be what ever he wants
he's covered his ass
he covers his tracks
and he tried to turn me into a stalker
he lied
about me
to protect himself
and lied to me
so I would protect him too.
and I could not say what was happening with me because #1 I trusted him and he took things the direction he took. He steered away from conversation about what was physiologically and psychologically happening to me and turned it into a transference countertransference issue #2 He said he could get into trouble because of me, he could loose his license so I could not speak because I did not want that to happen to him. I cared. I loved him and he fed those feelings, used them, manipulated me in them, when I was manic, when I was experiencing PTSD and returning memories, when my brain was damaged and broken.. when it has an extra mass that should not be there....
I am yelling "NO, This is NOT OKAY," to nobody as I relive.
I want it to stop.
like I am in a bad dream. The yelling, I am not sure if I meant to do that or not.
I am just glad no one is around in that moment.
I hate him.
I hate them.
Dr. Reddy who was supposed to be the doctor overseeing. she played games
she would not treat because she believed whatever his lies were...
I hate her.
I hate them.
They are dishonest
I hate the Jodi who lied, misrepresented, and worked to make a case against me when she was supposed to be representing me.
It was all lies
It is all lies
and it is disgusting
and it hurts my head
and it hurts my heart
and they think it is a game
they have no shame.
they are the biggest creepers I have ever met and I thought they were good. I believed them, I trusted them I tried to help them...
they don't want to help people, they want to take advantage. They want easy money.
They are dishonest crooks and they try to criminalize me for speaking up, for speaking out. For expecting them to be what they proclaim themselves to be.
I am a lot of things
 but crazy
 in a bad way
that is they!
This is absolute insanity.
and I hate them. I hate them as my head hurts and my ear rings and my cognitive stamina falls short again.
I hate them as the bad dream replays causing sudden outbursts that echo
and leave bruised knuckles.

Dear People at the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute,
If you are reading this to fight against me, if you're trying to build a legal case against me, if you are trying to turn me into a criminal, then I would like you to know that I will not be quiet about this.
This is NOT OKAY!
https://highlandspringsclinic.org/can-emotional-trauma-cause-brain-damage/

https://www.verywellmind.com/surprising-ways-that-stress-affects-your-brain-2795040

I am not a criminal and I have not made anything up, no slander, no defamation from me. I was not stalking, I repeatedly told you trying to go other places is reliving the trauma.
I will not be quiet about this. I will not be quiet about how I was treated and not treated. I will not be quiet about either your ignorance or your fraudulence.
My brain was broken when I came to you and you broke it even more when I was begging you to listen and to help me.
"there is something pathological to that" says Concussion doctor
"thank you for acknowledging that" is my response.
But even still, she does not treat the pathology, she pushes me out with no referral and no assistance though she said she would help me find a new team. She lied and then dismissed and denied, leaving me alone in the pathology of the things they are supposed to understand and know how to treat, adding to the stress and emotional trauma.
Breaking my broken brain even more.
I will NOT be quiet about this.
And then followed by the abuses of a termination letter signed by the lady who yelled at me and threats from a lawyer for talking about what happened there.
You all do hold the cards and if you want to try and turn me into a criminal for seeking help and trying to understand what was going on with my broken head and what was going on with the man you are trying to protect, then so be it.
I will fight back and I will expose you if that is the route you want to continue on.

...holding back words and tears

...And I want to lash out again. I want to punch garbage cans. I am angry.
....
....and I am scared.
encephalomalacia

is the word running through my head.

and others...

that did not surprise me.

But I suppose I had hoped.

I had hoped that maybe it really was nothing going on with my head

I had hoped that maybe it was just a transference thing that made such a mess of me. Simply that and they were right, it was just me making a big deal out of nothing. 

But then, if nothing had showed and eeg told, then myself I would have loathed

more than I already did. 

So I have the evidence I was hiding from and even trying to hide. Hoping that hiding would make it disappear. Fake it until you make it.

The shaking in my hand. I asked about it then hid it. and allowed it to be brushed off...

I seemed better than I was because I had been through this before

and I did not want to face myself the reality of my injuries. 

My head knew what to do, how to access, and how to stay awake. My body knew how not loose consciousness this time, or at least wake up quick. And my body knew how to not be throwing up sick this time. 

...
"count backwards from 100, by sevens" asks the sports medicine doctor I saw because I could get into him sooner than a neurologist. I try and I can but it is slow and painful. My brain is rerouting and I can feel it.  It is not coming easily and naturally. I am using a different pathway. He says I did good, but I was an elementary school teacher then and those kinds of activities were daily and a particular strong suit of mine. Not a good indicator of injury for me. I made it seem easy for someone with brain injury, though it was not as easy as it had been a couple of weeks prior, before the blow to my head. 

He asks me to repeat some words. They are gone. Completely black in my head. I relax and try to utilize the tricks I have learned. I may have drawn one out without a hint. I don't remember now, but the others for sure, were gone and in that moment it kind of scares me how black and blank my mind is. I felt certain they were gone forever. But he gives a hint and magically the second word appears, but I am not sure how. This is not how my brain usually works. The last word, he gives another hint,  and there it is magically appearing from the black blank void that is happening inside of me. It is there and I can say it but I am did not picture it first, the way I usually do. He says I am doing well. Labels it a concussion. But I know I did not do well. I know he is deceived by my ability, my ability that appears stronger than it is because I have experience with this. I have been here before. It is a strange feeling and the black blank void scares me.

PTSD?

Muscle memory?

I don't know. 

But scary.

because I know the long haul
and I know
I am injured.

I know, even though I don't yet because I had not faced it or learned about it, but still I know the damage and the troubles a TBI can cause... because I have lived it. In ignorance and denial, not just by me alone but by family and those who had power and authority over me.  

...Sports medicine guy; he is the second doctor to downplay and dismiss, to avoid ordering an MRI. An MRI that would have shown what was happening and why. An MRI that would have kept me from returning to soon to the job that fired me... for attendance, memory and anxiety. 

Here and now my feelings are raw again and I feel vulnerable and anxious as I will be waiting months again to get into the "right" people who can help me understand

what is going on with my head...
...
"I am just trying to figure out what is going on with my head and I know I need to stand up for myself but I am not sure what that looks like yet," I tell the facility director that latter will yell at me for asking to be kept in house, to utilize a different neuropsychologist there at the facility I trust and is supposed to have the specialist I need for my mTBI that was maybe not so m. 

Cutting Too Deep.

I take a break from changing out bookshelves as I read about "Deadly Emotions" and I realize that I really do not hate. The description of hate does not match me nor what I feel. Or is it that I feel guilty for hating? No, I do not feel it the way it is described.
So I contemplate, "what is it that I am actually feeling?"
Hurt.
Hurt and sadness.
also confusion; should I believe the messages received?
Anger is necessary -though it too can be considered a toxic emotion- but it is necessary in order to counter those messages received... to keep me alive.
I am at greater risk for suicide because of TBI. I am at greater risk for suicide because of how my brother died. I am at greater risk of suicide because of the bipolar side.
Bipolar was manifesting itself then.
the book about deadly emotions talks about love and how being in love can effect the brain the same way drugs can. It names similar symptoms... it also sounds like mania: euphoria, no need for sleep or food...
Is this why he could not see the mania in me? Because I loved him? He was my drug?
Was I like a drug to him?
or was I simply a toy
and a game
and flattery to his ego
so he labeled it as such, maybe calling me addicted to being in love since I openly stated that I fall in love all the time, though it was not to be taken that way, worded unwise in my state of compromised.
But whether it was the drug of love, TBI, or effects from the other things going on with my brain then, one thing I am certain of: he knew better than I did what he was doing and the mistakes he made. And he held all of the cards.
He can manipulate it however he wants. He knows the industry, he knows psychology and he knows TBI.
It hurts my heart
again and deep
that he and they likely and very literally would rather I die than admit he/they made a mistake or even to simply clarify.
Hurt.
Not hate.
Hurt.
High risk for suicide
coming from at least three sides
Fighting for my life was not a lie
I know the symptoms. I know the reality. I know how and when to hide it. I know how it can hit and take a person before they even realize what they are doing if they are not aware and on constant guard when that is the ailment that plagues you.
Suicide denied.
I fight.
and I will keep fighting
because they lie
to push me to die...
They know better and if they do not then they need to. They are supposed to be the professionals. They are supposed to be the Hipocratic oath takers. They are trusted and turned to. They are paid for their expertise and help. They are the specialists, trusted and admired.
Hits.
Still taking them
The more I learn the more it helps me, yet in the light of these events the sword has another edge that hits with the knowledge that is power; thus the more I learn the more cuts I take and the more it hurts.
Ignorance may be bliss for some
but not to a broken, bipolar brain that doesn't quite work the same
...and was manipulated to take the blame.

high rates of suicide in people with TBI

The more I learn about TBI's the better I understand myself and the more valid I feel.
But I also feel increasingly more angry at the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute the more I learn about TBI.
Like "3 times more likely to commit suicide."
Freaking Jackasses
Such reckless endangerment
and how intentional was and is it?
I am so very angry with how stupid they are or how fraudulent or that they just didn't care for me and so then encouraged suicide.
I am so very angry
so very very angry.
I could be such a valuable asset to them
but instead they would rather let me and even encourage my death.
I hate them.
I hate them because I loved them
and I trusted them.
I hate them because I needed them, if they really are the experts and not frauds.
I will not back down.
I will not back down until they listen.  I will not back down until I am heard, understood, and credited, until they apologize, until they acknowledge and fix the mistakes they have made. Until they make appropriate changes
Or until the entire institution is dissolved.
THIS IS MY FIGHT!!!!!!!
And I will fight

wandering thoughts

...cont.
But the real truth is, it was not heaven at all but a combination of a whole lot of things, a whole lot of things that make both people and the industry of psychology so very complex.
"Unfortunately there is still a human element to all of this."
It was not heaven
It was mania
mixed with my trust
and admiration, appreciation and maybe a touch of infatuation
that he fed while in disguise
with his replies
of little white lies
laced with his secret desire to be between my thighs.
Not heaven but
the mystery of chemistry
being played with by the mastermind.
To bad I know
the best liars hide their lies in the truth.
I see through the disguise
but I do not despise
thus often these kind of guys
confess too freely to me
who they don't want others to see.
But I see
and so too freely they open up to me
confessing without meaning to who they are and what they do
Which is why Dr. He is so very terrified of me

It was all three.

Thus because I am a human, with a broken brain and other brain and mental health anomalies, I was highly vulnerable when I went there in the first place. In the Neuroscience Institute and with their providers (one in particular) I found hope, validation, understanding. My life was making sense from my new perspectives on brain injury. I also found a person with whom I connected easily and whose hypnotic voice calmed me. I felt safe and comfortable there. He seemed to understand how I worked and he knew how to redirect me or fill in the blanks when the blanks came. He could unscramble my scrambled words and seemed to know what I was trying to say. But in reality I likely credited him too highly because I needed what he offered so desperately. It is likely that I magnified or exaggerated his talents and abilities in my trust and flattery. But he definitely understood better so many things about me than anyone I had ever known to that point.
And of course he did. He has been studying head injury for 20 something years. He knows me so well from that context that I am not sure he even realized that is likely what he was attracted to. I was a physical manifestation of his research and the need for him and his occupation all wrapped up in an attractive enough female form. Walking, breathing, talking proof of  the importance and significance of his findings. Of course he would fall in love with me.
Plus I am fun, playful, adventurous, and I love easily. ...with legs that are long enough to wrap around the object of my affection. That is not easy to ignore by men who find themselves married to my female peers that are not so playful, adventurous, or as easily and sincerely affectionate...
While in my younger years I was not the trophy many men or boys were looking for, very many find that there trophies do not satisfy their aging adventurous spirits and the trophies rust and eventually resent what they are or what they represent.
...and I am wandering vicariously in my thoughts at the moment, allowing myself to indulge in the things I previously would/could not see. I am an anomaly to many, not entirely all that unique in my individual attributes but rather unique in their mixing and in my ability to see things for what they are.
blah blah blah. Am I allowing my head to grow big? No idea, don't really care, but I do now understand that my troubles with girls and boys now are not too far off from my troubles with them in high school. I was too easily friends with the boys, playful but not a toy, and the girls would often resent me for it. I am the same, I guess, and another way I am reliving (even still) the trauma of those days. PSTD is not over yet.
I am so far digressed now, that I don't even know what I am saying, why, or what I was initially trying to say...
Except this. I needed his expertise and I loved the package it came in. He found a manifestation of his significance and he mistook that for something else, loosing objectivity completely and at my expense.
He is a small man with a small mind or it is still possible he was grooming and he plays with his patients on a regular basis. A brilliant yet deviant mastermind that has his entire institution fooled.
It could be he was broken himself and made mistakes. It could be my own broken manic misinterpretations, yet he denies that. So then what? How deep do his transgressions go? How deep does his deception go?
Mania?
Grooming?
Countertransference?
It can't be none
but it could have been all three
which is what I feel most inclined to believe
making it ridiculously complex for me
as he tries to hide
it all
from those who need to know and who can and should hold him accountable
and stop him.
He would let me go and let me die
he will even feed the destruction of me
just to protect
what I was also trying to protect:
him.
But manipulations do not work on me
-the manifestation of his career-
because I am the missing link
in all he claims to be trying to figure out, help and understand.
If he is true and trustworthy I am not his enemy I am his answer.
If he is a fraud and a fiend than I am his fear and the one who will expose him.
The yin to the yang

I am allowing my mind freedom as
I wander
and I digress
but do I?
How right am I?
and how wrong?
He is okay with being wrong about me
But I am not okay with that
because it hurt me in many many ways
and it kept me from getting the proper help and care I needed.
And he brought with him, in his wrongness, an entire institution and my reputation.
And I am not okay with that.
Yin and Yang are out of balance
and I cannot seem to convince myself that this is only true for me
that I am the exception that
should be sacrificed for the greater good
 that they claim is only unbalanced for me or because of me.
But I am not the one that is in disguise
nor am the one
speaking the lies.
Just ask the MRI's

Warriors

Sometimes I just want to write things down. Sometimes I want to publish them even though I know it may reflect poorly on me to others.
I have had a lot in my head about warriors and mental health issues and the way they are handled. I think of warriors because we watched Free Solo, the documentary about a man named Alex Hannold who free climbed El Diablo. He is an interesting person. At one point he talks about the warrior spirit. There is also a lot of commentary about how free solo climbers are doing it for themselves and they often do not want the camera on them. It was as if it were some unwritten code of false humility or something. But Alex wanted it on camera. It was never said but it was obvious because he would tell them when he was going and other indications that Alex wanted the cameras there. Some may have that weird "you are doing it for show then" attitude and criticism but I think that is exactly what sets him a part. That is what makes him a warrior, that is the warrior spirit.
I believe that is what sets him apart from the other free soloists that all eventually died free climbing less difficult routes because he is not only doing it for himself.
I am going to diverge and wander here now.
Driving 4 hours from the southern end of my state to go to the Brain Injury Alliance conference a few months back, I had a bit of a melt down. Maybe it was too many hours alone when I was still fragile and stabilizing amidst being actively involved in emotionally taxing activities like watching niece and nephews with my mother-in-law and facing TBI realities by attending the conference. I was still very young in the stabilizing with medication. Whatever the reason, I had a bit of a melt down.
Amidst this melt down I realized I am not strong enough to fight just for me. I was not winning the battles in my head when it was just for me. I was loosing still, even with the medication. But, when I thought of my kids I had to keep fighting. I found strength to keep fighting again. In that moment I realized that I really am not strong enough just for me BUT I can be strong enough for my kids.
However, under the crushing weight of my intensities,  I also realized I am not strong enough by myself ...so I phoned a friend. Probably the first time ever in a mental battle with the dark side (that was winning). I usually face my demons alone and try not to burden others. But this time I was not strong enough and calling CP was wise. I am so grateful for her. She helped me to keep fighting.  She helped me to be a warrior.
That is the difference between a fighter and a warrior; a fighter can fight just for them self, but a warrior is not a warrior unless they are fighting for a cause -for something bigger than themselves- for others. A warrior is much stronger than a fighter for that very reason.
Alex the free soloist is a warrior because he is not just doing it for him and he draws strength from others. When he was on the wall of El Diablo with no ropes, when he would pass the scariest and hardest challenges,  he would look at the camera and smile; he was drawing strength from and celebrating with those who were there documenting his feat. I think if he were doing it only for himself, then his body would have told him to let go a hundred times and he justifiably could have  because it was for him self and he was listening to his body. But with the cameras present and with what he had eluded to previously in the documentary about how part of what drove him was the desire to be good enough in the eyes of his parents, Alex would draw strength and hold on because he knew "nobody wanted to see that" if he were to fall. I admire him for wanting to share his feat with others and for drawing strength from them. I admire him for having a true warrior spirit and determination.

And now I diverge again... I find myself annoyed with myself because it has been so very difficult to "get over" this man that I know I don't really know and that obviously does not actually care for me. He has been a literal and very solid stigmatizing, harmful, and slandering jerk. It is very confusing and annoying that my mind and heart would ever still think to care about him AND even to crave his presence and existence in my life.
So my mind still tries to make sense of why that is and I am reminded of the psychology professor that, in his bio, claimed to be researching what happens to people in therapy and the thought crosses me; "What do you do when you find heaven but heaven does not want you? Instead, expecting you to walk away and be okay."
I could go deeper into this, connecting to others and what are all too common feelings and "problems" in therapy, but I really don't want to, because it simply feels the way I said, and it is very hard to walk away from what feels like heaven, simply because heaven does not want you.
Psychology: the industry of blasphemy. And what a beautiful fucked up man.

The stings that can kill

The worst lie:
“I would always want to protect you...”
No, you would not. You did not when it was your job to. You used me.
Right now I need protecting that I would not have needed if you had actually had my best interest in mind, if you actually cared, wanted, or tried to protect me.
It was a lie
an A manipulation
solid evidence of your lies.
And the words haunt me and sting harsh again, in this moment that I need protection.
...which makes me think of my two last physical stings from the flying yellow and black creatures that sting. Both within the last two years, both turned into cellulitis and I had to take medications to stop the severe overreaction from spreading... My body reacted too extreme...
This seems a familiar theme.
The stings that turn into life threatening infections...
from the deceptive creatures who do not love me.

Favorite Quotes of the moment

"You lose a leg or a kidney, you're still you, but you lose a part of your brain -literally, lose your mind - and who are you then?"
   -Lori Gottlieb

"She is not herself. You have no idea what she is fighting."
   - The character Finn in Star Wars: the Rise of Skywalker.

A long day

EEG and MRI results turned into a long day.
Kids coming was a definite positive.
Now, mostly, I need to go to bed.
But I just have to say
Turns out
By Brain really is a fascinating place!
So fascinating that the day ended (I just returned home) with yet another brain scan.
And this is all so funny to me.
HA HA HA HA HA
and that is all I will say about that.
Goodnight.

"Try not to think about what might have been..."

Dr. She tells me I present very well, but regardless she says "at the moment they felt you were stalking they should have had you admitted."
 And I have to say I full heartedly agree with that, because that would have been back in January as there is sufficient evidence in medical records and email that this was being suggested by the Institutionees even back that far.
If that had happened I would likely have tried to convince them that I did not need to go... but maybe I would not have. Either way, the mere suggestion of it would have sent me into a strange fit that would not have been deniable and made clear that I needed the added care and observation.
Had I been hospitalized/institutionalized at that point the providers at whatever facility would have seen the varying degrees and the bizarre rapid cycling mood instability I was experiencing. I most certainly would have then been put on the mood stabilizer that Dr. Concussion saw and acknowledged I needed but avoided providing due to her conversation with Dr. He and the proceeding labeling of me as a Liability.
I would have received the care I needed and the stupid romantic transference-countertransference feedings would have ended then and there.
But alas, it is far too complex -Or is it diabolical?- in that they were, or he was, not actually concerned about me stalking but was rather trying to build that image of me. The concern about it was not actually there, rather it was their attempts to build a case against me... 
Conspiracy theory?
Unfortunately it is not. and even if it had merely been their attempts to make me appear to be a stalker that they had me admitted for it would have been a good move for me, because I desperately needed that kind/level of care, assessment, evaluation, observation and medication.
This really is the reality the evidence suggests. So many questions beg to be answered like, did they keep me untreated on purpose, not have me admitted because that could potentially work against them in the mistakes that had been made? I would not think so and actually I know so, because it would have been so much better to get the help then and to reconcile.... Unless of course they were the frauds it appears they may be... and so it goes, reality meets insanity and who is really crazy here? Because the truth is I was not stalking, I was there seeking help. I was trying to understand what was going on with my head while trying to protect Dr. He the way he had manipulated or conditioned me too and because I really did genuinely care for him.
I have wondered about that, if it was genuine or the product of manipulation.
Dr. She answered this question for me when I asked how it was that my heart physically hurt for the entire time between the appointment Dr. P dropped me and when I finally got back to him two weeks later. I wanted to know how it was that just seeing him and when I was with him those last two appointments my heart had settled and did not hurt, but would continue to again (though to a lesser degree) after I left He. Dr. She said it is because I genuinely cared for him.... and I know this it true... because, stupidly even still, I still do. Even though he deserves it not at all and even though I have to turn him in because there is a chance he is a master manipulator who plays with his patients regularly AND because I am worth standing up for. I am worth being heard and respected and -now this is leading into a post I have been meaning to write- it is reckless and scary that they would deny mania and mess with me the way they did. There is or are many things very wrong with how I was handled and THAT is why I cannot just let it go.  They are medical providers that behaved incredibly irresponsibly, carelessly and recklessly and even if I really truly am an isolated incident, I deserve to have this addressed and actions and records corrected appropriately on my behalf. They cannot deny mania, that is morally, ethically, occupationally, and medically wrong and it was very dangerous and irresponsible.
Not going to edit yet, actually time to get going.
Good Morning.
ps- the majority of my post titles are meant to be humorous. They at least make me laugh in spite of some not so funny stuff they address.

many hands make light work

Sleep deprived? Definitely. Though at the moment, aside from the occasional yawn, I am not feeling it.
I opted to sleep in the extra bedroom so as not to keep my husband up, especially since he went to bed not feeling too well. He thought he was just overly tired. However, not sleeping myself, I could hear him across the hall not sleeping well at all. I decided to head to my bed knowing that I often sleep better when he is by my side. He had been sick. He is sick now.
He is hot and cold, sweating while cold to touch, tossing and turning and he has now had to escape to the bathroom 3 times to wretch his insides out.
It is very unpleasant for him and I hate that I am powerless.
As I listen to him hurling in the bathroom I am reminded of when I had my daughter. I remember how I only puked three days; the day when I found out I was pregnant, the day I found out she was a girl and the day I had her. All three for various reasons that were probably not so much morning sickness. In fact the day I had her it was because I had been induced with an induction that was too hard and too fast. I had been induced after having labor stopped about 2 weeks prior, because she was too small.
And the story is very fascinating really, as my stories so often are. For example, I didn't know I was in labor, couldn't feel the contractions until after they had medicated me to stop them. It was only caught because I was measuring too small, too small despite the fact that I had gained about twice what is considered "healthy pregnancy weight gain," but it was okay because my almost 5'7" athletic frame started the pregnancy at about 103 lbs. Induced because her heart rate dropped while being monitored, it turned out her umbilical cord was too short, and yet she still scored a perfect 10 on the Apgar. The first or one of very few the midwife had ever given. She was shocked considering. So basically after my daughter had the heart stopping thrill of bungee-ing out of me she scored a 10 on the Apgar. That's just how we role in this family.
Those are just a touch of the peculiarities of my pregnancy I was reminded of as I am listen to my poor husband puking his guts out the way I did 6 times that first night I found out I was pregnant when he was out of town. And as I think of this and my mind then wanders on to so many details of our life together, our children, etc, I am struck by just how little we ever get to share or know of the back stories that are so very influential to our lives.
Back stories; we know so little of each other.
And another story I want to share, as I am attempting to achieve that sleep deprived feeling -but I think it best to post is as it's own post.
Which may make these posts appear to be evolving into magnificent mania and surely this is mimicking the start, but so far I am not feeling the push back or high feelings so hopefully after EEG is completed and the systems are medicated again we will not cross over. (we being all of the me's ... and I am reminded of: "but my personality is still changing too much" I pleaded the day he dropped me unexpectedly).

Bright eyed and bushy tailed ...at 3am

Sleep deprived
I will definitely be that.
My daughter is who I am having come with
to be sure I can safely make the long drive (she is a driver now so she can take over if I can not)
and be the extra set of ears.
She loves biology and is thinking about going into medicine.
Seemed like an okay choice
But I am not sleeping.
I have a bit
-a bit-
but my whole right leg is hurting
since physical therapy on Friday
that triggered a pretty severe pain in the appendix region... that still hurts
and my right leg feels week and sore.
my back
the part that has the bulging disc has been acting up
and it is a bit sore but not like the appendix region
maybe it is appendicitis ?
I am tired. I feel even a bit nauseous
is it appendicitis or is it tired?
my brain is bothered
it seems like he knew stuff about this and the possible tie to head injury
He who broke me and worried only about saving himself?
Why head, why?
The repeat starts
 of words and phrases, feelings and figurings...
What was real? what was perceived?
But I know, as I have a million times, but wanted to deny to myself and everyone,
that he had played with me... when he should not have.
Grooming of some form or another
 the fire he played in and then tried to let die...
Intentional? Accidental?
 Was I the first or the last in a long line of many? Somewhere in between?
He played
"don't try to solve this"
"I told you not to try and solve this"
"I have tested your brain in ways you don't even know"
"What we have had is a beautiful thing and I would not want to fuck that up"
"I don't need more friends"
"I meant everything that I said"
.... repeats
that started right away
-my fight or flight-
the natural reaction to a threat
...a threat
punished for loving
the threat?

and I am
so delicately balanced.

my whole right leg is weak
Maybe I should text my dad. he rises early. he could take me
my children should not have to shoulder this burden
 this burden that I am
but my dad...
My family
they do not understand and they do not want to.
they want to maintain there illusions that doctors are...
godlike?

Dr She, literally my hero, because without her intervention... I can't say where I would be
...faded and fading when I got to her.
Dr. She is not a fan of Dr. He
I understand why now.
At first when I went to her I still loved him in a silly childish and manic fed way. I still held onto what I wanted to believe: that he meant no harm, he made mistakes, and if only I could clarify and fix my mistakes he would come to his senses and fix, or -at very least- play fair. 
Dr. She does not care about his motives they way I do. She cares about how it has effected me. Dr. She may or may not think I am worth standing up for and fighting for, but she does her job and feels responsibility for my safety and wellbeing... she says he is an idiot and at best was negligent at worst was malicious.
Dr. She wants me to be able to look back on Dr. He and roll my eyes.
She lets me talk about him still, when I need to, because I am making progress in processing and handling the trauma
and I am being responsible.
Talking to her is not "governing myself accordingly" based on the commands of the Institute's lawyer, because they do not want me talking to his colleagues. 
Their demands and commands are not right. They are unjust and unconstitutional and their accusations false.
Delicately balanced it is
Reckless endangerment.
Viktor Frankl is who I become now
Not literally, but figuratively
or rather like him
in that to survive this incredibly delicate balancing act
-of psychology, really-
I observe myself and my psychology with the mind of a scientist.
a slight form of detachment probably
when I am so very attached
and I remember that earlier today
I like me even if others do not
and I have people that are supportive and that are looking out for me in their own playing-it-safe kind of ways.
I am loved and I am appreciated
...even if, at times, it is only by myself and God.
I like me
because I am tenacious
and forgiving
I try
I make mistakes
I take responsibility for my mistakes
I love
I play
I find and make adventures
I have met some of the most amazing and incredible people and I am so very lucky to have and to have had the acquaintances I have.
Life is a beautiful thing
and I love it and appreciate it
even when I don't -a place that I am so grateful I am no longer in.
So delicate balance for a day.
might make a mess of the holidays
 but I'll recover
and find my adventures again.
...now
I sure hope that I will at least feel as sleep deprived as I will be at 10am
Goodnight again
... though I doubt I'll sleep
I am WIDE awake
hopefully ibuprofen will relax things enough..
ha
literally the lol variety-
a ha-ol
... big yawn as I proof read
-this is hope :)
goodnight

Sleep deprived, EEG, what adventure shall we see?? ...what me will I be?

Since I now have medical providers that actually give a shit and listen I go in for an EEG tomorrow. The neurologist, Dr. Odd, that I finally got into wants to see if he can find anything that would explain the tremors. The tremors that Concussion doctor ignored... or rather suggested I see a neurologist for but did not refer, ultimately claiming I should have the wrist orthopedic surgeon who first suggested it refer. I bring this up again because it was an inappropriate way for the Concussion doctor who had asked to be my primary care for anything car accident related and head injury related. I bring this up again because it annoys the hell out of me how some people I know and the Neuroscience Institute want to blow me off and brush me off and act like it was: a. that I did and/or are doing something wrong and/or b: I find myself having to defend myself to people who don't want to take the time to think about or understand what happened and why it is a big deal. 
...I think I am not so bitter until I start to write, than I realize I am and I am also very angry. But you would not know this in observing my everydayness. You would not know this because I continually choose not to be, and so I am mostly not. However, there is obviously some deep resentment, because it sure comes out here.
So back on track
I have an EEG tomorrow morning at 10:00am and I am supposed to arrive sleep deprived. The instructions are very specific in their instructions to "go to bed and midnight and get up at 4:00am."
.... meds?
that was my question for Dr. Odd after the office lady went over the sheet of instructions with me.
I know if I take my new meds at the regular scheduled time I will not be able to stay awake until midnight. If I take them later then I will have an extremely difficult time getting up in the morning... I'll have an extremely difficult time getting up at 4 am if I take the new meds at all...
So, what do I do?
They kind of left it up to me.
Maybe don't take the meds.. I think that may have been the suggestion.
... that is what I have opted for so far.
And
This has made me nervous.
I find myself being extra busy tonight and even extra productive.
I think I am much more nervous about this idea of messing with meds much more than I care to admit to myself.
I am only slightly tired and, as you can see, it is after midnight.
...and when I say slightly tired that might be an exaggeration.
I am kind of scared as hell at the moment.
I have been so much enjoying the levelness I have been experiencing on medication and the recent upping has been working out very well. I still am a bit triggered as evidenced in my last post but I recover quickly and am even gaining some confidence in myself, starting to care less about the people who want to blame and shame and don't want to understand. I am able to be my happy self with out the overly chemically too high feelings. I still have some residual mental messes to undue from too many months of fantasy feeding by the forbidders that made me taboo (as manifested in my initial digression in this post) but I am managing that much better and progress is now real.
So I am leery and nervous. I am not sure how best to handle and medicate.
I am curious too.
So my plan is, don't take the meds tonight (or rather last night since tomorrow is now today) so that I will not fall asleep too soon and so I will be able to wake up early enough. That way I will certainly be sleep deprived... except that I have noticed that with out the meds I don't really feel tired and considering the sleep chaos of this last year that started with the denied mania of November of last year, I feel very nervous about this lack of tiredness without medication. And honestly, I am scared. I am scared I might undue the stability, I might mess up a good thing with how the mood stabilizing medication has been working...
But alas, writing it out is assisting in some fatigue so I will retire to bed now to stay as close to the prescribed directions as I can. ... I'll even wait to edit until tomorrow.
It will be very interesting to see how this adventure plays out.
Good night.

pain in the...

I wish I was more okay than I am. I wish I was at least as okay as I appear to be most of the time. I wish my confidence was not so shot.

I am not fueled by revenge and and "stick it to them" attitude. It would be very helpful right now if I were. But instead I am more inclined to believe them and then I feel pretty shitty about me since I have learned from many thems that I am not worth standing up for or helping, and I am a "pain in the ass."

The "not worth standing up for" bit bothers me as this is the message I seem to be receiving. As long as my motives are about others, and not me, then it is okay for me to stand up and speak out, but even if it is agreed that I was "wronged" and treated poorly, too often the expectation is that I should just accept that and forget about it. Doesn't matter who or why or even that these were medical providers that should know and behave better and were morally, legally, ethically, and occupationally supposed to protect me and look out for my best interest. Doesn't matter how this has and continues to effect the treatment I receive from others including these friends and loved ones who are inclined and conditioned to highly value and trust the experts (just as I was and had).  Nope, it does not matter if it is about standing up for me or about fixing and resolving things for me. It somehow has to be about and for others. I am supposed to allow them to mistreat me. I am supposed to forget about it and move on, because it is just about me. 

I feel angry about that. 

I feel jealous of others who have friends and family who say, "that is not okay," and rally and defend. Mine say, "you were wronged, we care about you, you are not alone, now be quiet about it and get over it." 

That is not entirely the message and not from the entire family but the majority. 

This confession, to many, will simply prove that I must not be worth it. So I hope you understand why people in general might succumb to such messages of worthlessness. 

However, I hope it will also be considered that maybe it is ties like this that have contributed to the problem with the providers. 

I am an easy target.

On paper I am the prime target for grooming 

and/or an easy casualty to write off and forget about. 

And to me, that makes this situation of mine so much more wrong

And I find myself wanting to explode and lash out and at least do something to deserve the labels, stigmas, misconceptions, defamations, slanders, and write offs.

"If you can't beat them join them" comes to mind

and "going down in a blaze of glory"

I feel

therefore I am?

FUCK YOU JP AND YOUR MARIONETTES

FUCK YOU FRIENDS AND FAMILY WHO ROLE YOUR EYES AND SAY ONE THING BUT DO SOMETHING ELSE

AND WHO CALL ME A PAIN IN THE ASS.

Jaded

loosing my nice

and becoming jaded

sometimes it feels as though nothing really matters

And if I am not worth standing up for than I should at least get the most out of my insanity and show them just how much of a pain in the ass I have not been, but can be.

...yet I know that lashing out generally only hurts the ones that have actually been there, that have loved and supported as best they can. Lashing out hurts the ones we love most...
so I'll contain it to here
on this blog
and hope this will, once again, relieve the pressure that builds

"Duality" -Punished for being exposed and vulnerable, this lady confounds the educated but is understood by a child.

bored and getting boring... but still won't burn out

Appointment with Dr. She today.
I tell her I think it is good we upped the meds. I did not even cry (just got a bit teary eyed) at my daughters performances.
But I also feel a bit bored or boring now.
Dr. She is not surprised. She talks about the highs and the processing abilities that can come with bipolar. She tells me how it feels and when it is exhilarating, and how people can be a bit addicted to it. She tells me that is why so many people go off meds. Dr. She seems to understand it so well and describes it so well that I find myself wondering if she is bipolar herself, if she has been manic too. But I don't ask. I'm not entirely sure why. I think I have before and as she explains further she seems to know this from her experience working with people like me.
I remember conversations with my brother-in-law about this too...
and I remember a year ago, after my last recorded appointment with Dr. P -for the record I had another after that but he said he would not charge me and somehow got it off the records- but I remember the appointment where I was as high as a kite in mania, but managing because I have experience and I was believing the email where Dr. P said I was not. But I was high, high, high, and quite childish and I don't know how he could have possibly missed that entirely... But back to my point, somehow Dr. P had a drug like effect and just meeting with him helped to calm the mania, though it did not cure it entirely; just enough though, that I remember substitute teaching in a second grade class a day or two later and feeling bored with it... Even 30 second graders was boring. ...
and hmmm... now as I reframe my thinking, of course they were boring, not because I was level but because I was not. I was still too high, but at least level enough not to do anything rash about the boringness of it all.
That was a different boring; now the real boring starts. I will be a boring person again on medication and even though Dr. She has a lot of experience with people intentionally going back to the excitement, that will not be me. It is too painful and difficult to manage so I am grateful for boring.
Now I can really decide what to do with my life and my time. And that is at least exciting....
though I am really very gun-shy.
Dr. She asks why and she is surprised that I say I am very insecure because she thinks I exude confidence and security. It seems to be a common misconception about me. Maybe I over compensate, or maybe, even though I am insecure, I am still just who I am and not very interested in being not who I am, which just might be what confuses people?
I don't know.
But I think I will work on not being so insecure.
We talked about Dr. P again. I wanted clarification on why Dr. She does not want me to believe Dr. He's boundary violations had anything to do with me. I think she wants me to believe that I am not special or something like that. It was all just him, I was irrelevant. She is a bit confused by my questioning, because she does not understand my insecurity, the invisible that I was when I so desperately needed to be seen, I needed to be special -but really I didn't, I just needed to be seen, heard, and helped.
Dr. She and I do a brief awkward communication dance until we make sense of each other. I was misunderstanding, she wants me to understand that it was not me, I am not to blame for his mistakes. She tells me he held all the cards, it is something that is always hard for me to accept, but I am understanding better and I know how accurate that really is.
I tell her it frustrates me that I still feel an attachment and it does not make sense especially considering how he has handled it, but she is not surprised. She points out, "but that is what you do, you love people." and I do. She tells me that I don't need to love everyone and/or something about discerning better who deserves to be loved.
I tell her, "everyone deserves to be loved."
 She tells me, "that is true, but they don't all deserve to be loved by you."
This turns into a funny communication dance and she laughs when I say, "but Jesus says love everyone, and treat them kindly too."
I am not entirely sure how we ended that conversation but I believe it was a good natured, though unspoken, agree to disagree kind of move on.
I ask her opinion. She thinks Dr. P is an idiot. At best he was negligent, at worst malicious. ... lately it feels malicious... Some things have always hinted that way, but I don't say it out loud. She reminds me that she is not so concerned about his motives, she is concerned with the effects. She is concerned with the harm he caused and she wants me to understand that he did cause harm. He did. Not me, him.
She wants me to understand that it was traumatic and that is the only reason she is okay with me ruminating on his motives. She acknowledges that I am improving so that hopefully makes my bringing it up again more bearable for her. She understands the trauma, she can explain it to me and I understand. She explains that I did not do anything that was not within the scope of what would or could be expected. She is not surprised by how my body reacted to the circumstances. She is not surprised by how it has effected me. She is not surprised by the way it still effects me. She speculates he maybe "just didn't care" when I ask "but how could he not know it could not possibly end well for me with the things he said and especially under the circumstances?" ...Right now it does not pierce my heart nearly as sharp to hear that he maybe "just didn't care."
She sees that I return to the concern about motives when I feel misunderstood and even blamed or shamed by others. She explains that she has had many patients who have been harmed by malpractice and they share similar misunderstood blaming and shaming by friends and family members. She says it is too scary and too far outside of peoples comfort zone to accept that the doctors and medical professionals we so highly trust and value so very much could make mistakes and cause harm. She tells me about a lady whose surgeon had left a sponge in her brain and she shared almost identical feelings about how people treated her as if it were somehow her fault. I was surprised and yet also sadly not. But it definitely helped me feel better; my situation is at least less obvious so it is understandable and yet also it would be harder for me to see these reactions to me as their problem and their insecurities and not mine.
It is sad how we re-victimize people and I wonder if that is what Dr. Concussion was up to? She may really be the one who should be held accountable for the very unnecessary suffering of not being medically treated when I was in fact manic and then fading and she just kept trying to pass the buck without providing adequate or appropriate assistance with that. Acting as if she were treating and/or willing to help but then not.
The games.
It is so bizarre to me, the games they played with me. I am not a liability, I am not a toy, and I am not a buck to be passed. I am human and I deserve to be treated as such, regardless of if the provider believes in forever anymore or if they don't want to be bothered.