At least, not without a Fight.

 So much to do in so little time. Statutes of limitations are rarely fair for the victim. 

There are many problems with our courts, laws, governing bodies, and people and institutions in power. 

Many.

What I don't like most about them right now is the effects it has on my physiology. 

The other day my husband told me that few people are genuinely brave and that I am one of those few people. 

It's not always true. I am not always strong enough to be brave. ...but overall, I suppose it is. 

How long bravery can hold is the real question. How many beatings can the boxer take before he cries out "in his anger and his shame 'I am leaving I am leaving...'" 

..."But the fighter 

Still remains..." 

and that's where I am at. The fighter knows what happened was as wrong as it can be and that the fight needs to be fought because of it. Not just for the sake of self....

It is very hard to be brave sometimes. It is very hard to know what to do and how to fight when the fight is not a straightforward clean fight...and sometimes you have to wait until you are physically and mentally strong enough to be brave again. Brave gets you nowhere when you are too week or too injured to withstand the blows of the offenders. 

It has been a very dirty fight, this has. Fraud used to cover misconduct. Which is why I know I have to settle this once and for all. I have to stand up for myself appropriately proportionate to the opposing levels of misconduct. I won't fight dirty like they have, but my conscience and body tells me I have to fight as much and as hard as I can because of how dirty they have fought me when there should not have been a fight at all; when the focus should have been on health and healing and improving knowledge and practices. 

I also fight because I have to accept the reality of the situations that brought me here. I have to accept the reality of what happened to me and my body and the misconduct and bad practices, ethics, values, morals, etc. that broke me so horribly and then kept breaking me, again and again and again, with reckless disregard, every time I asked for no fight, but understanding and fair treatment....

I am letting whatever comes out come out right now as my body is struggling to maintain the stability we have worked so hard for... 

I do not like, at all, the way my body now responds to stresses and circumstances.

I do not like how it responds to problems that need to be faced, addressed, and fixed. 

I do not like the toll it takes to face Goliaths and groomers...

"I do not do well with blurred boundaries," he says as he breaks and blurs his boundaries and then accuses me for it. 

"I do not have blurred boundaries," I say, "They just look different than others. But they are solid and I know it because I check them and test them, much the same way a rancher tests their fences."

And when a boundary is broken, they fix it... to protect their assets? Or is it for the safety and wellbeing of all parties? Because cows wandering on highways is very dangerous... 

Breaking boundaries, brains, hearts, and souls. Getting other people to go along with it. Going along with the instructions to do and/or increase the breaking. Fraudulently covering misconduct... That is when people need to be stopped. 

I wish it weren't so, but it is. and I won't be sit by when I know there are parties that wage wars on humanity and bravery because they are too cowardice to admit they made mistakes or so deviant that they manipulate others into playing their Nazi-esque games -Followers then following the leader where ever they may go without knowing why or simply because they fear what will happen to them if they take a stand themselves by saying, "stop, there is something not right happening here and I won't go along with it."

Systems are supposed to be in place to prevent this in our civilized world but they are NOT functioning as they should. 

Brave.  

The thing that bothers me the most is how so many people treat this like a game. This is not a game. I am not their toy to play with how they wish. My health and wellbeing is not a game. I know TBI. I now more fully know and understand bipolar. I know what they are all pretending to understand, be experts on, and and to be working to figure out -what they have paid thousands and years to learn. This is not a game for those of us who live with the reality and affects of these conditions. 

Do not try to make me out to be, or into, things that I am not for your amusement, pride, pleasure, ego, fear, or fallacies. 

Learn from me and learn with me but do not try to define me by your limited understanding. Your universities, studies, PhD's and organizations are decades behind. Do not try to destroy me or silence me to hide this. 

Do not try to destroy me to hide your failures, ignorance, deviance, bigotry and misdeeds or to stroke your pride and your egos. 

I will not be your victim.

"Do you think I have been here playing games with you this whole time?" I ask. His silence confirming that he had.

 

Emotional Distress- now how do you calculate damages for that?

 I did it. Today I did it. I filed the Notices of Claims against USU and Cache County Prosecutor's office.

Because I am determined not to allow them to destroy me and I am determined to beat the harm, past present and perpetual, that it is causing me, I am learning a lot on this journey through our legal and judicial systems. For the most part it is not fun and it has been very stressful and distressing. The infliction of emotional distress is very real and it manifested itself today as I hand delivered the Notices Of Claims to the appropriate persons. I opted for that to ensure they were delivered and so I could obtain receipt of delivery immediately. I was not going to gamble with the mysteries and mishaps of electronic or mail deliveries. 

So first I took my notice to the county. It was not the office or department I am standing up to that I had to deliver to. Which is probably a good thing for both them and me because it was hard enough being nice to the non-offending receiving department. I did my best and overall I think it went well but they could clearly sense my tension and I felt as though I must have been staring daggers with how on edge they all seemed. It was comical when the man I am obligated to send the notice to was telling me the best way to ensure delivery is to submit it electronically as he was holding the notice in his hand. I tried to relieve the tension with comedy by commenting on my observation of that fact. I am not sure if it did or if it just made him embarrassed. He was nice though and I was glad for it. 

Next it was to the University. The Office of Legal Affairs/General Counsel. They were not as fun. The lady was sweet the whole time but the friendly bubbly young attorney was not as friendly as he was presenting and at one point he actually told me to chill out. Which was especially disrespectful and condescending considering how damn good of a job I was doing at maintaining my composure in this lions' den of the  Goliath I am trying to take on and that has been playing very nasty games with me and my life for the past year plus. I did not appreciate his comment. 

I did however appreciate that Utah Attorney General Assistant that issued the biased report was there so I could address him personally. I was told I would now have to go through various channels because I filed a Notice of Claim, but I at least got to say, "you assumed things about me that aren't true," ask him why he never bothered to consult with/interview me (when he said his decisions were based on what was presented to him), and I got to tell him that his report had many errors and misrepresentations. I told him to read the part of his report where he explains what the officers job was, because that was exactly my complaint: the officer did not do those things- "but then you dismissed my complaint" I reminded him. This attorney was much more professional and seemed more genuinely nice. I appreciated him for listening and explaining things politely, and even taking some time to respectfully listen. I was still mad at him for his part in all of this, but I felt some respect for him. 

Then I left and thought of all the things I wish I had said... but that's the thing about intentionally and/or negligently inflicted emotional distress; it comes out and can be hard to contain. I wish I had been on my game and been able to say in that moment to the snarky young attorney, "you see, that's one of the problems for us TBI survivors, its a lot harder to hide our emotional distress. Especially from those people and institutions who have caused it. Now how about you document your witnessing it. Thanks." 

I also wish I would have remembered to tell them that while it may be a game to them, they are messing with peoples lives and livelihoods. And USU has been screwing with mine (and my kids) in egregious ways for the past year plus. This is not a game to me. 

I maybe would have also liked to have said "Yes, I am and will be representing myself because despite so many University employees' false beliefs about me, I am competent and intelligent enough to do so." but my blood was boiling to much to reply so cleverly when the arrogant young attorney asked if I had an attorney.  

I hope they read this so they can hear those things that needed to be said.  But I did not beat myself up for not saying them. I won't let them have that power over me and when I left I was actually quite relieved and it felt good. A weight had lifted and I felt a soft tingling wave of pride, peace, and hope wash over me as I drove away and allowed myself to feel whatever it was that I needed to feel in that moment.  It was nice.

A confirmation that I am doing the right thing. 

So I fight because Goliath does not scare me and I am fighting for so much more than just me and for financial reparation.