Feb 26, 2009
I feel like writing but I have nothing to say… It is days like this that suck. I don’t like how real and fake life is. My brother is gone and that bothers me. A LOT.
I don’t like the quiet. Sometimes I don’t feel real. My little brother---(edit cut)... He’s not OK… I’m not OK… Life is supposed to be a grand adventure but I don’t like it right now. I’m not sure what I am supposed to do anymore.
About 6 months prior:
I am half laughing as I tell the study doctor psychiatrist that I am pretty sure I am a vampire.
I am laughing because I know that I am supposed to know that I am not but part of me believes that I might be. Or at least that I relate… To a fictitious interpretation of a fictitious being. It’s funny really. And I have to laugh at how I float between realities never really part of any.
Today:
I am mostly sane, my head is still a bit jet lagged and I am certain that elevation is having more of an effect then I’d like but other then being a bit slow and forgetful I think I am mostly fine.
I listened to a discussion/interview on the radio (All things considered) about a musical called “Next to Normal.” They made the point that mental illness is a life long issue…
That is when I fully realized that this would be a life long thing.
At 19 when I first got myself into “mental trouble” I was absolutely determined to not need medication for the rest of my life. I was sure that I could beat this “depression.” I was absolutely determined to be fine, to “heal,” to get “over it.” I believed that I would be... with everything in me…and after all can’t we do anything if we put our minds to it? Isn’t the sky the limit? Can’t we be anything if we just believe?
These days I feel a bit angry that we were so puffed up with these lies as children. If there was anything I learned in school it was that I could be/do anything I put my mind to. I am angry because it is a lie that we were constantly being subjected to, this push the limits type of addictive thinking. And it continues, “You deserve it” and all that bull…
I am sad because I now have to realize and accept that this is my life and I will battle with mental illness for the rest of my life… I’d really rather not.
But then I am thankful for the people I know, and that I know so many good people with “mental illnesses.” And I am thankful that I was caught early.
I feel a sense of responsibility and a desire to help along with frustration with the current state of the field psychiatry and mental health. It is so confusing, taboo and shunned.
I feel overwhelmed when I try to think of how I can help or what I should do.
And though it is nice to feel much more stable, I will admit that at times I feel confused by my current lack of intensity .
But I am also happy that life has been so good to me.
I just wanted to add that would seem to me a really judgemental/condenming idea that we can do anything we put our mind to and all that. Think about it. Don't these types of statements suggests that if we are not what we want to be or thought we could be (heck if we suffer any calamity we did not wish upon ourselves) then we are either week minded or not determined enough or that we suffer from some sort of lack of faith etc... In my opinion that is not always the case.
ReplyDeleteWell said. I have thought some of these exact things before. I'm starting to have hope again that I have a good amount of power to be healthy despite mental illness and its tentacles trying to ensnare me so often. But our Heavenly Father is a God of miracles and so I'll keep on hoping and working with the blessings He's given me. My pregnancy has been so good in fighting the depression... I think the hormones and the excitement of having a little one and a sense of purpose. So I'm hoping to keep up the hope I've been given.
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