Conviction

 Pre-litigation was Wednesday

Something that is very interesting about the medical malpractice DOPL pre-litigation hearing is how top secret they want you to keep them. I had to sign a paper. Having gone through one I can tell you that it is definitely interesting how "private" and "protected" they are. 

It is no surprise and very apparent why the Utah Supreme Court ruled the requirement of obtaining a "meritorious" ruling in order to bring the claim to court as unconstitutional. It is. 

But I am not aloud to take about it. hmmm

What I can say is I went through the process so I could learn and I learned A LOT. One of the most important things I learned was how my brain handled it... Which was not very good. I cannot do what I used to be able to do as far as presenting AND unexpected surprised took a bigger toll than I anticipated. 

I can also say that it strengthened my resolve to keep fighting this and clarified my reasons for fighting. 

Now I am going to get tangential. Or am I?

Yesterday I got to work at my resort teaching snowboarding. I was a bit tired and was willing to be cut if all of us instructors weren't needed. But I was needed. I agreed to take the first time kids. I ended up with 5 boys ages 9-11. 4 of 5 were surfers visiting from Hawaii. Three were related and there together. 

Funny thing about surfing and snowboarding is how similar people think they are. While there are some similarities, the mechanics of how they work are opposite in many ways. For example surfing is back foot weighted and steering while snowboarding is front foot steering and, when you are learning, you have to intentionally weight the front foot in order to make up for the laws of physic that make your body try to stay at rest while gravity and snow pull your snowboard into motion. 

Also edges. Surfers do not feel edges like you do on a snowboard. And on a snowboard you have to feel and use those edges. 

These lively boys were definitely surfers and initially it was a bit of a disaster because of their surfing background -a common occurrence, which is really why it is funny comparison. Needless to say, it was an absolutely exhausting lesson. But I made the best of it, was glad for the chance to practice my compartmentalizing, and we had fun. 

So much fun in fact that the three related boys guardians' tipped me. Very well. 

Then they asked me if I'd be there today and if they could request me. I was not scheduled and I had an appointment. I was also not sure if I had the energy for another day with this rag tag team of snowboarders... But they were great kids and their grandpa and dad were so kind and grateful. I knew I could not do a full day of a kids group lesson, my brain would be far too exhausted, but a private with just the three of them, at only 3-4 hours I could handle. Especially since I get paid significantly better for private requests. So when dad and Grandpa asked to book me I happily obliged.

Today we had even more fun and the boys made amazing progress! I was beaming proud. Then to top it all of I got twice the tip I did the day before. Yes! Such a rewarding day.

But then the day got even better. I got to take my dear sweet TBI survivor friend to pick up a car that some very good people donated to her. It was so awesome to see a company that is part of a large corporation do something so generous. -It's kind of ironic that I am not allowed to publicly talk about that either. At least I am not allowed to tell who donated it, but this time it is not because they are hiding anything or trying to be deceptive, but only because, sadly, they know they cannot help everyone who needs it and deserves help.

In conversing with my dear TBI friend, who was so grateful for the car and so proud of me for standing up for myself and speaking out against the TBI related medical malpractice, I realized that the extra amount I earned from teaching snowboarding these last two days is precisely the amount it will cost to file the medical malpractice claim with the courts.  

Sometimes our paths are made clear. 

And sometimes our tangential is not so tangential after all. 

I may have a lot of work to do. A lot. But I am not afraid of it. I was put here for a reason and I will do my very best to expose what is going on at IHC and the attorney/legal malpractice that we are ALL victims of- patients and medical providers (at least the honest ones) alike. 

Dear Magnificent Masterminds of the Medical Malpractice Model,

 Trying to make this as difficult and stressful as possible on me is in fact accomplishing your purpose of causing increased physical harm. 

Which just spurs me on and reminds me why I cannot give up. 

And maybe that is your goal, because my guess, dear Attorney, is that the longer you have me engaged in this fight the more money YOU make-

Does not matter to you the expense or the toll it will have on EVERYONE ELSE. 

Whatever your game, I see through you and I won't be quitting just because you know how to be a mean and nasty bully. 

I'd rather DIE fighting then give in to your malicious-intent. 

Sincerely, 

Defending All Parties from you

Finding my ground.

 It's starting to come together, all of the evidence, lined up with all of the stories being told that don't quite line up. 

And I am feeling good about that. Feeling good about what I am doing and why. Connecting with Renee's inspiration for me for the day:

...but as I work the sneaky devil still connives and I am aware that his hooks planted so deeply inside inside still tear at me just a little. 

It feels a bit like push back of previous phases in the medication balancing act. I feel it in the regions that ignite and excite and I am shocked that there is still some semblance of him associating with the igniting. 

So strange. Humans. Psychology. Chemistry. all of it so very strange. 

But I am also excited to see so much progress and to know how much better I am

Because I did NOT give up and I do not give in when the imbalance of powers are crushing me to maintain and increase their own imbalance. 

 Feeling very subjugated and slot-rattled. 

And I just want to scream at those records: ITS NOT ABOUT HOW THINGS ENDED WITH J F*ING P IT'S ABOUT HOW MY BODY RESPONDED 

ITS ABOUT TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH MY BRAIN AND WHY!

ITS ABOUT GETTING APPROPRIATE HELP AND CARE

with something I continued to NOT be allowed to talk about or address... with those who could actually help me figure it out. Because talking it out with others and trying to do all they told me to as far as going elsewhere was getting me nowhere and worse. They needed to correct their mistakes so that others knew how to help me correctly. 

subjugated and slot-rattled in so many ways. 

That was my buried story. 

and that is my dominant story

that they reinforce and dictate with gas powered lanterns and iron-clad fists 

cold calling

 Money and power

those are what win 

and those are the people we listen too

No right and wrong

no standing up for whats right

no defending and protecting 

even your friends.

Money and power

that is who we trust 

and that is who defend .

There are no impartial panels or juries or individuals

We are all partial to

a title

money

power

and ego

and for it

we all lose

at least 

those of us who do not process

the appropriate amounts of 

money and power.

We even lose to ourselves 

as our own financial peers

and even lower rankings

whose job it is

will only "investigate" 

those who transgress 

if they do not possess

the appropriate amount of 

money and power.

Turning a blind eye

to the high

ranking 

titles,

individuals,

and institutions.

Claiming we are

"protecting our interests"

we abandon

our friends

our truths

and our values

as we talk about the atrocities

of other cities.

And then to top it all off

we are expected to graciously thank

for taking the time to so thoughtfully reject us

and making us wrong for asking at all.

Oh thank you

you noble 

deceiver of self

Quote for the day

“If I focused on the portrait of the family I wanted to be, I could pretend the bad parts weren’t real; like this life was a temporary state of being, not a new existence,” Land wrote.

Heartbreaking Netflix Series 'Maid' Based on True Story of Single Mom Stephanie Land (today.com) 

my disagreeable position

"We disagree with your position," says the attorney who is refusing to provide records which means when I do take this to court I will have to go through the process of getting a court ordered subpoena. 

Whatever. I figured as much but I had to try and I wanted to test the sincerity of her "look forward to working with you," statement. 

But "We disagree with your position." Really?

And I just have to reply:

"Yeah, so do I, which is why am filing a suit at all."  

In other words

Yes, I also disagree with my position which is the position this attorney's clients have put me in and precisely why I am pursuing this course of action at all.