Noticing Change

So I remember when I first got put on anti-depressants (as they are most commonly called though I dare say they treat far more then what is typically thought of as depression) and how new and novel some of the changes I went through were. It's seems that my new medication is working efficiently and I'm starting to recognize some of the newness of "normalcy" and an extended levelness. My husband worries that it won't last. I'm not worried though, because, while to an outside perspective things may not seem very different, I can tell you that on the inside things are dramatically different. Yes, before I seemed to experience plenty of good days and level times but I have to admit that those periods were very short lived and still mixed at least daily with some sort of extreme or overly intense emotion. While that is not always a bad thing, it is helpful to realize that it is not only exhausting but also not possible to live with a kids-on-Christmas-morning type of emotional level/intensity/reaction every day. But currently I've noticed that things that typically would send me into and emotional or psychological extreme have not. They are just normal everyday experiences and that is refreshing.
I will give a few examples of this.
Last night we watched a movie with the kids and the introduction had a known visual and musical prelude that can evoke a powerful emotional response that we often associate with the magic and excitement of youth, possibilities and imagination. This is what the music is intended to do however for me, as an adult, it is a bit silly (and a bit much) that it would inevitably invoke a reaction so intense it bring me to tears and cause me to cross over into the "fairytale" part of my mind, once again believing, with all intent and purpose, that all things are possible if only we believe, that my kids will behave perfectly if I only smile, sing and keep my chin up like a fairytale princess. I 'd feel these things so intensely and clearly only to be frustrated and angered when it didn't happen that way. My patience snapping instantly and harshly as things did not magically conform to my fantasy desires. Then of course to be followed by the eminent disappointment with the harsh "realities" of life and my short comings.
Despite having been through this scenario many-a-time in my life, such a prelude or movie or whatever would still evoke such a reaction from me. But last night, I noticed the absence of such an extreme emotional response. For a moment I wondered if I missed the "magic." I didn't. It was still a powerful piece of music that reminded me of the magic of youth and I enjoyed it but it was not SOOO impacting.

- just now, as I am here, intently in my zone writing flowing and concentrated, my daughter starts repeatedly calling me from her room. Normally, in such a zone, I would snap angrily and be incredibly annoyed by the interruption to my thoughts and effort. This time I was still a bit annoyed but I was able to simply say "what," and effectively detract my attention to her just enough to answer her request.

I have made contact with old friends-it has been exciting even exhilarating - but I am not completely obsessed with them. I went to a party with my husbands extended family and I felt fine the whole time even when I did feel a little out of place. After we left my mind had enjoyed the night and that was that, I didn't have to rehash everything in my brain and make sure I said everything just so I didn't feel anxiety of this or that or question what I choose to bring, it was just a pleasant get together and that was it.

I have watched a few movies and not been totally disturbed by the deeper meaning or the messages they are trying to get across. I have been too bed late and eaten sugar too early, and though my transgressions still have an effect, it is not potentially life threatening or debilitating. I am not a neurotic mess. I don't mind if people have something to say about me and when I say the wrong thing it is not a crime punishable by death.

These are small victories but they are becoming more regular, more normal and I am enjoying them. Similar to the first time I was put on medication I have found that even though I thought I was still "in control" I had no idea how bad of shape I really was in. It is nice to have a second chance.
I didn't know what racing thoughts were until I STOPPED having them. I didn't understand how intense anxiety could be until it let up a little in me. I didn't understand sleep disturbances until I actually had a good night sleep more then once. I didn't recognize decreased energy until I had good energy. I didn't know what "depression" was until I was out of it. I didn't understand mania or hypo-mania until I had a definition AND something to compare it to. I DID NOT understand "CHEMICAL IMBALANCE" until I WAS BALANCED. It is nice to feel balanced. And now I can sure see and understand chemical reactions. They happen all the time in our bodies but some of then are TOO MUCH (or not enough).
... and that is all I have to say about that.
(for now anyway)

small victories

At least four days happy and still going strong!

Choice and Friends- Two things I Love!

So yesterday I felt a sense of empowerment when I realized; I don't HAVE to take medication I CHOOSE to.
It is nice to feel happy and calm. I have to admit I may just be on an up swing, we'll see how I am next week. But for now it is nice to know that life does not have to be so difficult and we live in a wonderful time.
by-the-way I have a lot of good old friends and new friends and even new old friends and old new friends and I just wanted to say;
Thanks Friends!

I am mental but I am capable

So I have an opinion I'd like to share. I've often struggled with why, what is my problem and, obviously, do I really need medication? Life often raises us with improper thinking patterns and dysfunctional situations. Is this why I am the way I am or is it all in chemistry? Or is it a direct result of a head injury? My question is this: Does it Matter? Really isn't what matters what you do with it; what you choose to do with what life has given you?
I believe, just like many health issues, mental illness can be the result of an injury. Is it not possible that a person can be injured emotionally to a point that will change them and their life forever and even their chemistry? It is obvious that this happens but we still somehow shun the idea that a mental/emotional injury could result in a life long handicap.

Now the beauty of modern medicine is that we have so many possibilities.

If a person looses a limb should they not use a prosthetic because they can learn to survive without one? Should a person not be considered capable because they need a wheel chair to get around or because they need to monitor their sugar levels and give them selves shots on a regular basis? Why, then, is it that as a society we look down so harshly on Mental Illness? I realize that it is partially because we all have mental and emotional issues that we have to get over so it is easy to target those people who seemingly don't. I also realize that many people with mental illness's DON'T live responsibly and can even be very dangerous. But I will say that just as we all have mental issues to overcome we all have regular health issues to overcome and though we can not all overcome all medical issue's we are wise enough to know that does not make a person useless or unintelligent, it is just their own bodies flaw, and we all have those. And I will say that if we can look at these things with a bit more of an open mind and heart then we can start addressing them better and save many people from much pain, heart ache and even death, as well as possibly ourselves because, just like most things in life, you really never know if you'll be hit with it or not.

Something to be said for counseling

So over the years I've learned a lot of good things on my own. A lot of good tricks. But there is something to be said for good counseling/therapy. Sometimes they can put things you already know in a way that helps them to click a little better. Sometimes they just give you the positive reinforcement that you need. Sometimes they teach you something new all together. And sometimes they say things that you know but didn't realize you know and suddenly things seem to make a bit more sense.
And the reality is if you need medication then you most likely need counseling as well. There is even a good chance that the counseling could help keep you off medication. However, medication is by no means, and never should, be viewed or used as an easy fix to avoid dealing with issues, but then again that is just my opinion.

Here a few things that my counselors have said that have really helped:


*At one point I was venting my frustrations with another person in my life, that I was having to deal with on a regular basis. I complained about how this person didn't give me any credit at all. This wise counselor validated my feelings but then she turned it around and said something to the effect of "But you also have to look at the other side to, You say she gives you no credit at all, but can you blame her?" What!? I thought but she quickly added, "YOU don't give yourself any credit." Good point, how and why should I expect others to give me credit if I really don't give myself any credit. I must say that, that was one of those life changing statements that really does make a huge difference.

*Another counselor and I were discussing physiology affecting the mind versus the mind affecting the physiology of the body. He said that our bodies can react to our minds but it is also possible that our minds try to come up with a reason for why or body is reacting the way it is for no apparent reason. This made a lot of sense to me.

*My first counselor once pointed out that while a pessimist perceives the world more accurately, an optimist sees it for what it could be. Previous to this I vacillated between the two and could truly claim both. But after her pointing it out that way, I realized that it was more of a choice. It has since been easier to choose to be an optimist because, honestly, I don't want to settle for "the way things are."

That's all I'd like to share for now.

Feeling Good - it is okay to be happy

So it's funny (really it's not) but the longer I'm on medication the more I begin to wonder why I struggle so much with the issue of taking it. I respond quite well to it. Sure I'm still a bit neurotic and still intense and all that, but I can physically feel the "chemicals" attempt to start to surge but then they don't and I have to say, it's nice. ("chemicals:" endorphins, adrenaline, not exactly sure what they are but you sure can feel them when they start escalating). I am not flying of the handle for trivial things and that is nice. And I can think myself out of things again without having to fall asleep to make my mind stop. I don't cry at everything and I can be happy and enjoy my day without getting overly excited like a puppy when his owner comes home. Sure I don't seem to get the same euphoric feelings as much but at least it's not followed by the depths of hell for who knows how long after. And the dark, the dark that you just can't explain but if you've felt it you know, it's not so much present or slyly lurking, watching and waiting around the next corner. I feel normal. Eventually my mind stops turning to death as the answer to everything (good or bad). And as fun as they can be, I do have less crazy days and times (I mean that both seriously and sarcastically). And eventually I'll be able to watch movies and television a bit more (though I still won't care to) and not be so darned affected by them and there "messages," still will but I'll at least be within a functional range.
I think it was the wise mantis sister who put it accurately when she said of taking medication when it is needed: "you don't lose yourself, you get yourself back."
I really hate to be putting in plugs for drugs... But when they work so well why do I keep struggling with taking them? I think I've mentioned reasons.
I think we are a bit too judgemental when it comes to taking these types of medications, I know that I am. Are they over prescribed? Probably. Does that mean that I shouldn't take them? I have to admit that I used to think this way, up until very recent, really. But eventually I realized how stupid that kind of thinking was. Because people take advantage of water and waste it, I should not drink it? You see, it's stupid! I think it has taken years of counseling for me to come to that conclusion (and my very patient counselor very carefully suggested that I might consider that avenue again).
But true to my nature, where before I was all about taking care of it naturally, now it sounds like I'm all about the drugs... I swear, I'm really not, I am just starting to really feel and notice the difference. And I like to talk about what I am feeling.
I also must admit that I often warned people of the problems they'd face if they took the prescription drug route. That was really bad advice for my brother...
My advice now would rather be "life does not have to be so hard" and "do what is necessary and be fine with it." We don't need to fight such a rough battle. It is OK to be happy, it is OK to enjoy life and there are a whole lot of different ways to do that. Be true to yourself, be true to Jesus, be true to Buddha, be true to what is good. You know what is good even when that is not you.
All we can do is our best and that is what I try to do. Not "my best isn't good enough" and not anyone else's best, but my best and on the days when I really don't know what that means or how then I only try and sometimes it's a matter of just hanging on.
I was just feeling "the difference" and I thought I might mention it. Hopefully it will be "the difference" that I feel more of. Had I started this blog sooner you'd probably hear more about the other Me's that are entertaining, I'm sure, but not my favorite. It's nice to feel level. I hope it lasts, but if not, that's o.k., I've been through this before and I know what to do.

*the story of my crazy little life*

So why the @$#* would someone want to start a blog exposing there own vulnerabilities and questioning their sanity? Why are you asking this question anyway?
Read my older posts and then here is where it all began:
After graduating from high school I went to live in Florida for a year. After being there for about seven months I somehow found myself spending the night in a Mental Health facility, not by choice, however, I must confess, that was not the first time I questioned my sanity. I remember explaining to the counselor that I for some time I felt like I had a little sanity chip in my brain that was somehow keeping my mess of a head together. I explained how I often wanted to break my head open so that it could all spill out and I could actually see it all and somehow put the pieces together like a puzzle. But this event in Florida is what really seemed to alert in a "Houston, we have a problem" kind of way.
Despite my "intensities" I really truly believed that everyone one was like me inside, they just did a better job of "pretending," and I didn't appreciate pretending. I really thought everyone contemplated ending there life and how. I thought it perfectly acceptable to set a date, as long as it was far enough off and I gave this life thing real honest effort.
The very talented psychiatrist that saw me somehow knew what I needed to hear and managed to work me over easily into taking medication. "At this point" she said "you can't afford not to." Then she proceeded to make sure I could get a few months worth for very close to free. She also put me on a medication that is not at all easy to stop taking. I think she did that on purpose.
Honestly it was a hard pill to swallow and I really didn't know what it meant. When I got back to my home state out west, I didn't like to visit psychiatrists or psychologists and relied on the library for any information. I was trying to get off the medication all of the time... Until I was a bit more "stable" anyway. But even after I had changed dramatically, in mostly positive ways and I fully recognized that this incident and medication really and truly did save my life, I did not want to stay on the stuff. I didn't think much about my sanity issue's so much but rather became a bit obsessed with other peoples "sanity" issue's. Eventually I was able to go off and I mostly had myself convinced that I didn't need them... Can't say that I was always a peach to be around, but other then my "intensity" I was fine...Really, I swear I was!

Sooo, I somehow got hit upside with life a few times and could very easily blame some of my "issues" on that but regardless I was starting to unravel. There were a few "coincidental" events that either fed a quicker unraveling or helped me to see that I was starting to unravel, thus preventing me from completely coming apart. The most notable to mention were my brother-in-laws book of his own personal story of bipolar and then that damned ol' boyfriend (whose wife also happened to be bipolar)... I found that I related a bit too well to people with some serious mental illnesses.
Now I fully realize that relating to be people who are "crazy" (and I mean that in the most endearing way) does not make one crazy. But as I said I was already unraveling... Despite my best efforts. And then the poor old bugger who used to be a "boyfriend" became a horrid obsession, which for the life of me, I could not get around... My mind seems to work that way. It was the first time I really realized and faced the fact that I obsessing over things in a way that is totally dysfunctional and despite my best efforts, I can't just "forget about it"... I am sorry old boyfriend and his wife to bring this up, but it is what it is and the best I can do is face it. So I started running more and taking supplements and reading more books and even going to counseling more...and many other things (like writing). They helped and they didn't.
You know, I think it might be a bit easier initially if I were just out right crazy, or if I did have a major breakdown. But I'm not and I haven't. I just have a body that reacts with shots of adrenaline for really silly reasons or even no reason at all. I have a brain that can't decide what it is, on any given day but is smart enough to somehow hold it together. I get terribly stuck in thinking patterns that I am still learning tricks to get out of (sometimes they work, sometimes I just have to go to sleep). I mimic cycles of a bipolar person and yet I have plenty of in between time. I have an irrationally and embarrassingly short fuss and all sorts of other issues.

So am I crazy? Not anymore then the next person because I am choosing to deal with it. I take medication now. I tried really hard not to. But you hit a point where trying to stay ahead of yourself and your "moods" is so time consuming and exhausting that it is not only not worth it, but also more fair to family and those around you (especially your kids).
... That and I rolled my car with my two kids in the back, all because I was "up" and overly confident. We miraculously all survived shaken but unscathed, I only had one minor cut on one finger. The car was a total, fortunately we were not.
That is when I took my sisters advice and "found a way."
Sooo that is the bulk of my sanity-in-a-nutshell but what sadly solidified the reality of it all was my brother's death, but I'll save that for another day...
Have a happy and mentally responsible day!