Feeling very subjugated and slot-rattled. 

And I just want to scream at those records: ITS NOT ABOUT HOW THINGS ENDED WITH J F*ING P IT'S ABOUT HOW MY BODY RESPONDED 

ITS ABOUT TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH MY BRAIN AND WHY!

ITS ABOUT GETTING APPROPRIATE HELP AND CARE

with something I continued to NOT be allowed to talk about or address... with those who could actually help me figure it out. Because talking it out with others and trying to do all they told me to as far as going elsewhere was getting me nowhere and worse. They needed to correct their mistakes so that others knew how to help me correctly. 

subjugated and slot-rattled in so many ways. 

That was my buried story. 

and that is my dominant story

that they reinforce and dictate with gas powered lanterns and iron-clad fists 

cold calling

 Money and power

those are what win 

and those are the people we listen too

No right and wrong

no standing up for whats right

no defending and protecting 

even your friends.

Money and power

that is who we trust 

and that is who defend .

There are no impartial panels or juries or individuals

We are all partial to

a title

money

power

and ego

and for it

we all lose

at least 

those of us who do not process

the appropriate amounts of 

money and power.

We even lose to ourselves 

as our own financial peers

and even lower rankings

whose job it is

will only "investigate" 

those who transgress 

if they do not possess

the appropriate amount of 

money and power.

Turning a blind eye

to the high

ranking 

titles,

individuals,

and institutions.

Claiming we are

"protecting our interests"

we abandon

our friends

our truths

and our values

as we talk about the atrocities

of other cities.

And then to top it all off

we are expected to graciously thank

for taking the time to so thoughtfully reject us

and making us wrong for asking at all.

Oh thank you

you noble 

deceiver of self

Quote for the day

“If I focused on the portrait of the family I wanted to be, I could pretend the bad parts weren’t real; like this life was a temporary state of being, not a new existence,” Land wrote.

Heartbreaking Netflix Series 'Maid' Based on True Story of Single Mom Stephanie Land (today.com) 

my disagreeable position

"We disagree with your position," says the attorney who is refusing to provide records which means when I do take this to court I will have to go through the process of getting a court ordered subpoena. 

Whatever. I figured as much but I had to try and I wanted to test the sincerity of her "look forward to working with you," statement. 

But "We disagree with your position." Really?

And I just have to reply:

"Yeah, so do I, which is why am filing a suit at all."  

In other words

Yes, I also disagree with my position which is the position this attorney's clients have put me in and precisely why I am pursuing this course of action at all. 

Persistence

“That which we persist in doing becomes easier,
not that the nature of the task has changed,
but our ability to do has increased.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Discovery

 So if you ever have the misfortune of going through any legal proceedings you will learn about "the discovery process." 

And that there, I believe, might be the real reason people hire attorneys -because finding out just how badly people really have been lying about you and treating you is genuinely painful and frustrating. Especially when you are in a situation like mine and the ONLY reason you are taking the legal route is because of how truly terribly things have been handled against you that creates the daunting weight of responsibility and obligation to protect others and humanity from these kinds of pointless abuses. The burden of reporting, speaking out, and standing up for what is right can weigh on you with suffocating pressure. 

When turning a blind eye and giving the benefit of the doubt is no longer an option because of how frequently and unjustly you have been abused by systems and people in positions of power, trust, and responsibility, when you have learned just how truly terrible these systems are treating not just you but others who have it so much worse than you, then you will know just how painful the discovery process can be. 

But fortunately for me I am much stronger and my emotional resiliance is ever increasing as I take the punches and resist the urge to throw deserved blows back when I am encircled by bullies and there henchmen. 

Yes, we all have our breaking point, But I already know mine and I know it's pretty damn high. It takes A LOT to break me. 

And here is the thing those warped narcissists, that keep throwing punches and low blows at people, need to understand; The target of their abuses will eventually reach a level of strength and stature that they will never be capable of achieving and then they will not stand a chance when it comes to throwing blows at you or anyone you choose to protect from them.  

Of course that is only true if they don't succeed in completely destroying you, but that leaves your blood all over their hands. 

And they will eventually be held accountable for it, in this life or the next. 

“That which we persist in doing becomes easier,
not that the nature of the task has changed,
but our ability to do has increased.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

(and just to be clear to any attorneys looking to use this blog against me this blog entry is referencing USU and Cache County Prosecutor's Office) 

Wind Rivers

 "She's a fighter, so no matter how far you think she ran, she ran farther." 

It's a line (or proximate) from the movie wind river. I am watching and 30 minutes in I have already researched and read information about the true story that this movie was "inspired by" and I am already choking back tears. 

It is not inspired by one true story but thousands of heartbreaking and disturbing true stories of horrific abuses and murders of Native American women. 

But it is representative of so much more than that and that becomes obvious right off the bat when the FBI agent expresses her concern with the being able to do anything legally if the coroner does not label the death of the girl as a murder, something he legally can't do because the technical cause of death was due to her lungs bursting because she was running away from her abusers in negative degree weather. Now we see some of the incredibly stupid problems with our government institutions. How hands are tied of those who really want to help and politics, fear, and crony relationships prevent others from doing the "right thing" and/or holding each other accountable. 

Then we see some of the problems related to extreme poverty, generations of discriminatory practices, and intergenerational trauma. (Specifically suffered by the Native American's which is significant and atrocious). 

Many problems.

And yet our law enforcement agencies spend time and resources filing charges against innocent people who are the actual "victims." Our systems are messed up and perpetuating the discrimination is NOT the answer.

Which is why I cannot personally tolerate it. But unlike in the movies and just like so many women and vulnerable people, I am far too alone in my fight and there are no hero's standing up to the bad guys for us. Especially the bad guys in power and the bad guys within the "good guys." Or are they simply cowards inside of "good' old boys?"

Driven to fight because I know my situation is representative of atrocities far worse than mine. 

Zero tolerance. 

It's the only way to end these truly atrocious global epidemics that are far worse than any viruses. So, even if I have to take on the government and the whole world alone, I will keep fighting until I have made enough noise that my fight is heard and I become powerful enough to stand up for and fight for others. 

 "She's a fighter, so no matter how far you think she ran, she ran farther."

And for those who keep dismissing the discrimination and acting as if there is not sufficient evidence to prove it please stop lying to yourselves. A person being criminally charged because a professor does not like them and because they had zero representation in the investigation against them for a potential (and only potential) threat (not even a criminal act) that it was known the accused did not commit is a pretty obvious form of discrimination and bias. Especially when the accuser, who is a person in a position of power over the person they are accusing, and the police fabricate evidence and claim the person to be guilty based solely on their assumptions about specific traits of the person -like gender, race, or, as in my case, ADA qualifying disabilities.  No crime was investigated by Officer Christensen or any other police officer at USU, but they did talk a lot about my mental health and made some very inaccurate, libel, and slanderous accusations against me based on solely on made up stories by a person with a title and their own misconceptions, biases and fears and/or ignorance. It's textbook discrimination.