One of my writings is up on my computer, not sure why. It is dated Dec. 11, 2018 and I wrote it while we were on the flight to Italy. I am not sure if I would have been still considered manic at that time.
What I wrote is logical and makes sense. I understood the situation I was in very well, it seems. It even seems I was more logical and rational about it then. And I wonder how that was even possible because I know I had been manic and things, at least in my mind, had gotten so crazy.
How is it I was so much more logical and rational when I was in that still somewhat manic phase?
As I read I remember the feeling of needing things addressed then. I remember feeling angry when I finally did get put on a mood stabilizer because, surely, it would have been so much easier if I had been put on something way back in January when I went to Dr. R (Concussion Dr) after returning from Italy, knowing I was not functioning normal and wanting to discuss it but not sure how because I was trying to protect Dr. P. Way back when Dr. R recognized that I needed one but then proceeded down a path that did not make sense to me in giving me the names for 2 PA's at less suitable and fitting practices, and expecting me to make the appointments and follow through with that. I did try by-the-way.
But mostly as I read I vaguely remember something that Dr. She said about how if it is truly mania or bipolar than a person will progressively loose touch with reality. If we were to graph it the mood and mental state would continue on a downward slant if it was, but it would not if a person just experiencing a high time or something else, not bipolar or true mania.
... That is what happened. Even as I was waking up from mania in various phases I was loosing touch with reality and slipping deeper and deeper into depression also. I was fighting hard to keep grounded and fighting hard to stay sane, but it was getting progressively worse and I was definitely working hard to maintain that footing.
It knots my throat up and moistens my eyes.
It has been such a messed up messy mess and such a bizarre fight for survival
Sunday, January 19, 2020
Wednesday, January 15, 2020
the wrong climate for fair weather friends
I'm tired as we are driving back to our Airbnb in Cozumel. I feel a bit forlorn, maybe just because I am tired. I am not thinking about things. I am enjoying this vacation. It is the Christmas and Birthday presents I surprised my husband with. He deserves this vacation, especially considering the shit I have put him through this last year, so I have made it that, vacation for him; committed to letting it be whatever he wants. And mostly I have done well with that.
...but tonight, with 3 nights left I feel a touch sad. This alternate reality is going to end and I feel a little lost.
... I think about what I am going to do when I get home and
I think I have lost myself.
I wonder who I am.
Then my husband says something about staying here and how it is so much less lonely here. I feel that too and I am glad I am not the only one, but I also know I would probably have the same problems here.
I apologize to my husband for not being able to keep friends and he says rather quickly and bluntly that they are all ... not going to repeat his choice of words but it made me cry ... probably with gratitude that he does not blame me and he appreciates me. It also makes me cry because I don't want to go home to the cold state that I live in. I don't belong there.
...but then again
Where do I belong?
and who am I?
I am lost.
and yet I am not sure a person can be lost if they never really belonged anywhere.
So I am not sure I have ever really known who I am in this moment.
I thought I had it. For a brief moment in time I thought I knew who I was and I was finding me...
...but then it was mania.
and then denied by the very people who are supposed to know and the one place in the world that felt safe, calm, and like home to me.
So the denial confused me
it then meant I was the forbidden fantasy of the very person I needed most.
And I did need him
he was helping me find me
...but once again I found myself with
a person I loved and needed not able to handle me.... And I was sure he could... if only he would try.
So I was the forbidden fantasy of the man who was finding me and helping me to see that I could be me, loved, and I could love me.
...but...
in reality I know it is/was not a forbidden fantasy - rather he told me things in a way that left it open to interpretation, implying what he thought might help me but more importantly what would protect himself while getting him out and away from me -from the fantasy he knew he should not have played with, but too late.
so what am I?
A toy?
to my husband now?
to get back at him; my transference that betrayed me? A toy to my husband to try and break free of the those manic meaningful moments where I knew I was no longer my husbands or even my own person but his. These ideas solidly reinforced by too many months and too many games played with my broken mind by the him and the Institute that protects him.
This is what happens when therapists play with their very fragile and vulnerable patients. This is what happens when the people we need, who we love and trust, use us as play things and then discard us.
It is not well and good. It is not fair. It is very very wrong. If it is mistake, play fair and fix it, but they don't. They lie and hide because you are never the only one and you are not so special; it is their game.
And people back at home say shit like "what are you trying to do?"
Well,
I am fighting for my husband.
I am trying to get my head straight
and to set the record straight
and I am also speaking out against a man who played with me
and then made a mess of things when it came to getting the help I needed
or -to cover his ass and tracks- he manipulated me so that I would make a mess of things in trying to get the help I needed.
I am bringing this to light, because if that is what it was, it needs to be brought to light and addressed.
I am trying to set the institution straight
that kept this nonsense going for far too long when I was trusting them to be the medical providers they are supposed to be. When I was begging for help in my oh-so-put-together way while I was so incredibly broken, unstable, and vulnerable but refusing to be that or a victim. When I was crying for help because my brain was and is literally broken and it was being missed and dismissed.
I am speaking up and out against the doctor that messed things up by not ordering tests that would have shown the damage and injury and other anomalies in the first place.
Maybe, had they done their jobs and due diligence Dr. He would not have played with me the way he had. Maybe. but still, he did, and that needs to be addressed.
I am crying out for the misunderstood of mentally ill and the TBI, and the people who genuinely try.
I will not relent.
I cannot
because to loose one's mind is a scary thing and trying to find and/or hold yourself together while going through it is immensely difficult and should not be so discredited and dismissed
especially by those who are supposed to help
and could benefit from that kind of knowledge, experience, and ability to do just that.
That is what I am up to,
my fair weather friends,
this is what I am up to...
...and maybe I am not so lost after all. Maybe I am exactly who I need to be and where I need to be, Maybe I really am finding me.
...but tonight, with 3 nights left I feel a touch sad. This alternate reality is going to end and I feel a little lost.
... I think about what I am going to do when I get home and
I think I have lost myself.
I wonder who I am.
Then my husband says something about staying here and how it is so much less lonely here. I feel that too and I am glad I am not the only one, but I also know I would probably have the same problems here.
I apologize to my husband for not being able to keep friends and he says rather quickly and bluntly that they are all ... not going to repeat his choice of words but it made me cry ... probably with gratitude that he does not blame me and he appreciates me. It also makes me cry because I don't want to go home to the cold state that I live in. I don't belong there.
...but then again
Where do I belong?
and who am I?
I am lost.
and yet I am not sure a person can be lost if they never really belonged anywhere.
So I am not sure I have ever really known who I am in this moment.
I thought I had it. For a brief moment in time I thought I knew who I was and I was finding me...
...but then it was mania.
and then denied by the very people who are supposed to know and the one place in the world that felt safe, calm, and like home to me.
So the denial confused me
it then meant I was the forbidden fantasy of the very person I needed most.
And I did need him
he was helping me find me
...but once again I found myself with
a person I loved and needed not able to handle me.... And I was sure he could... if only he would try.
So I was the forbidden fantasy of the man who was finding me and helping me to see that I could be me, loved, and I could love me.
...but...
in reality I know it is/was not a forbidden fantasy - rather he told me things in a way that left it open to interpretation, implying what he thought might help me but more importantly what would protect himself while getting him out and away from me -from the fantasy he knew he should not have played with, but too late.
so what am I?
A toy?
to my husband now?
to get back at him; my transference that betrayed me? A toy to my husband to try and break free of the those manic meaningful moments where I knew I was no longer my husbands or even my own person but his. These ideas solidly reinforced by too many months and too many games played with my broken mind by the him and the Institute that protects him.
This is what happens when therapists play with their very fragile and vulnerable patients. This is what happens when the people we need, who we love and trust, use us as play things and then discard us.
It is not well and good. It is not fair. It is very very wrong. If it is mistake, play fair and fix it, but they don't. They lie and hide because you are never the only one and you are not so special; it is their game.
And people back at home say shit like "what are you trying to do?"
Well,
I am fighting for my husband.
I am trying to get my head straight
and to set the record straight
and I am also speaking out against a man who played with me
and then made a mess of things when it came to getting the help I needed
or -to cover his ass and tracks- he manipulated me so that I would make a mess of things in trying to get the help I needed.
I am bringing this to light, because if that is what it was, it needs to be brought to light and addressed.
I am trying to set the institution straight
that kept this nonsense going for far too long when I was trusting them to be the medical providers they are supposed to be. When I was begging for help in my oh-so-put-together way while I was so incredibly broken, unstable, and vulnerable but refusing to be that or a victim. When I was crying for help because my brain was and is literally broken and it was being missed and dismissed.
I am speaking up and out against the doctor that messed things up by not ordering tests that would have shown the damage and injury and other anomalies in the first place.
Maybe, had they done their jobs and due diligence Dr. He would not have played with me the way he had. Maybe. but still, he did, and that needs to be addressed.
I am crying out for the misunderstood of mentally ill and the TBI, and the people who genuinely try.
I will not relent.
I cannot
because to loose one's mind is a scary thing and trying to find and/or hold yourself together while going through it is immensely difficult and should not be so discredited and dismissed
especially by those who are supposed to help
and could benefit from that kind of knowledge, experience, and ability to do just that.
That is what I am up to,
my fair weather friends,
this is what I am up to...
...and maybe I am not so lost after all. Maybe I am exactly who I need to be and where I need to be, Maybe I really am finding me.
Friday, January 10, 2020
Silver Linings
Psychiatric PA says, "that is not a good spot for injury" referring to the location of the visible scaring and encephalomalacia. She is also the one who said something about the prolonged mania and bipolar like mood instability being "hard on brains."
BUT
here in Cancun we discovered one advantage to these two trials, tragedies, traumas, or whatever you want call them: when you are in a timeshare style presentation, your brain will inevitably get tired and then the unstable emotions may come out.
AND you can clam having brain damage and not be lying.
So yesterday, during the high pressure sales presentation we were sitting so I was facing a very large sunny window after we had been inundated with information and I felt soooo tired. I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. Probably the fact that we had started our travels at 2 am the previous day and we were in a foreign country where we were exhorted for significant amounts for auto insurance buy the car company people and speeding by the police, did not help. But as my brain was feeling the exhaustion and my cognitive stamina was wanting I could feel the emotions starting to surface. I felt like crying. For no reason other than I was tired really. But the mental fatigue was making it very difficult for me to pay attention and to follow all of their deals and jargon. The sales kid was starting to get annoyed. I tried to explain I wasn't okay and he decided we should not waste each others time so he gave up and took us to who I am certain is the closer. He starts breaking into his sales spiel. I try to explain that I need to go lay down, he keeps up his talk and I find myself covering my face as crocodile tears start to run uncontrollably down my face. Closer is a bit confused. My husband explains that I am not feeling well and I really need to go lay down. The closer quickly shows us the bottom line deal and excuses because the tears just won't stop. I apologize and we return to our room so I can rest and reset my tired broken brain. It was annoying and silly but at least it got us off the hook rather quickly from feeling obligated to purchase a vacation points system that is way to confusing and we still get to enjoy the all inclusive amenities for the remaining 4 days we are booked here.
BUT
here in Cancun we discovered one advantage to these two trials, tragedies, traumas, or whatever you want call them: when you are in a timeshare style presentation, your brain will inevitably get tired and then the unstable emotions may come out.
AND you can clam having brain damage and not be lying.
So yesterday, during the high pressure sales presentation we were sitting so I was facing a very large sunny window after we had been inundated with information and I felt soooo tired. I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. Probably the fact that we had started our travels at 2 am the previous day and we were in a foreign country where we were exhorted for significant amounts for auto insurance buy the car company people and speeding by the police, did not help. But as my brain was feeling the exhaustion and my cognitive stamina was wanting I could feel the emotions starting to surface. I felt like crying. For no reason other than I was tired really. But the mental fatigue was making it very difficult for me to pay attention and to follow all of their deals and jargon. The sales kid was starting to get annoyed. I tried to explain I wasn't okay and he decided we should not waste each others time so he gave up and took us to who I am certain is the closer. He starts breaking into his sales spiel. I try to explain that I need to go lay down, he keeps up his talk and I find myself covering my face as crocodile tears start to run uncontrollably down my face. Closer is a bit confused. My husband explains that I am not feeling well and I really need to go lay down. The closer quickly shows us the bottom line deal and excuses because the tears just won't stop. I apologize and we return to our room so I can rest and reset my tired broken brain. It was annoying and silly but at least it got us off the hook rather quickly from feeling obligated to purchase a vacation points system that is way to confusing and we still get to enjoy the all inclusive amenities for the remaining 4 days we are booked here.
Tuesday, January 7, 2020
How to temper the temper.
I got to see Dr. She today. I needed this appointment. She is glad I had the MRI's and I am getting some answers. She wants me to continue down the rabbit hole and that is so funny to me that she says it that way because the "friend" that was claiming to help and be there but ultimately is too scared to stand up for me in reality and legalities, accused me of thinking myself into a rabbit hole. I tried to explain that it was really more the other way around. In mania and PTSD and what ever was going on with my head and Dr. P, the rabbit hole got me and I have actually been trying to think myself out of it. Old "friend" psychologically would like to still be the hero, so he finds ways to blame me to relieve himself of the guilt of misleading when he really does not want to be involved, so he says, "that is just what you have to tell yourself to feel good about what you are doing."
Really, what a jerk thing to say. and the bipolar brain damaged part of me wants to unleash and explode they way my body caves to and the way I rightfully could given my ailments or conditions. It can be hard to refrain, sometimes even harder when medicated because then you really know just how big of a jerk they other person is being and since you aren't having to work so damn hard to keep yourself together and all your emotions contained sometimes the emotions sneak out because you have been able to relax some.
So it is very funny to me that Dr. She who is very knowledgable, experienced and qualified is telling me to continue on chasing through this rabbit hole.
At a different point I tell her I feel like lashing out at friends (like the above mentioned.) I ask her permission or her thoughts.
I love that she points out the location and types of injuries as evidenced by my MRI's and lets me know that my lashing out and/or wanting to actually corresponds to my injuries. It is an expected behavior. She says more, and in much more intelligent ways than I can't reiterate, and I wish I could reiterate better (another difficulty for me due to the locations of injuries) because it is so funny and validating.
But as I push for her permission, she reminds me of the realities of why I am asking and why I resist lashing out. She advises. And that is exactly what I need at times. It is very helpful when those urges become so overwhelming. This is also another way I have learned to cope and handle my disabilities and intensities. I ask for help. I ask for permission and I have worked hard to resist urges that may be damaging. At times, if I can frame it in this way, I can hold off an exploding, until I have been granted permission. And permission is usually not given but conversation allows for some outlet of the pressure and often I can avoid an explosion altogether. People likely don't realize how much permission I really ask for and I am certain they do not understand that I am actually asking for permission. I am pretty good at controlling emotions in this way. But not always perfect and my passions come out to bite me in the butt from time to time.
I have noticed it is especially difficult when I am under stress or tired.
That is common for most people I believe, but multiplied and/or heightened for me.
Just like the likelihood of suicide.
It can take a lot of effort to be level and "normal" when your regulators are damaged.
Like I have said before, sometimes I want to show people just how big of a pain in the ass I have not been. But I mostly resist.
Your Welcome.
Love,
Me
Really, what a jerk thing to say. and the bipolar brain damaged part of me wants to unleash and explode they way my body caves to and the way I rightfully could given my ailments or conditions. It can be hard to refrain, sometimes even harder when medicated because then you really know just how big of a jerk they other person is being and since you aren't having to work so damn hard to keep yourself together and all your emotions contained sometimes the emotions sneak out because you have been able to relax some.
So it is very funny to me that Dr. She who is very knowledgable, experienced and qualified is telling me to continue on chasing through this rabbit hole.
At a different point I tell her I feel like lashing out at friends (like the above mentioned.) I ask her permission or her thoughts.
I love that she points out the location and types of injuries as evidenced by my MRI's and lets me know that my lashing out and/or wanting to actually corresponds to my injuries. It is an expected behavior. She says more, and in much more intelligent ways than I can't reiterate, and I wish I could reiterate better (another difficulty for me due to the locations of injuries) because it is so funny and validating.
But as I push for her permission, she reminds me of the realities of why I am asking and why I resist lashing out. She advises. And that is exactly what I need at times. It is very helpful when those urges become so overwhelming. This is also another way I have learned to cope and handle my disabilities and intensities. I ask for help. I ask for permission and I have worked hard to resist urges that may be damaging. At times, if I can frame it in this way, I can hold off an exploding, until I have been granted permission. And permission is usually not given but conversation allows for some outlet of the pressure and often I can avoid an explosion altogether. People likely don't realize how much permission I really ask for and I am certain they do not understand that I am actually asking for permission. I am pretty good at controlling emotions in this way. But not always perfect and my passions come out to bite me in the butt from time to time.
I have noticed it is especially difficult when I am under stress or tired.
That is common for most people I believe, but multiplied and/or heightened for me.
Just like the likelihood of suicide.
It can take a lot of effort to be level and "normal" when your regulators are damaged.
Like I have said before, sometimes I want to show people just how big of a pain in the ass I have not been. But I mostly resist.
Your Welcome.
Love,
Me
Monday, January 6, 2020
bad games.
It's a game to him.
It is a game to them.
I am so mad right now because it was just a game to them.
I was a game.
They treated me like I was there playing games.
My head hurts
my heart hurts
my head hurts
and I am mad
I am mad
it does not disappear
the pain in my head
the ringing in my ear
the mood instability
this is not a game to me
and this is not fun
I am paying for them to have played with me
to lie
and play stupid games
for my money?
for their egos?
They did not look or try to figure out what was going on with my head
they just wanted me dead
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
...and it replays
every time my head starts to hurt
it replays and I know
he was playing with me
a toy
that is all I was
a toy
and he gets to decided, he holds all the cards
and he can manipulate it to be what ever he wants
he's covered his ass
he covers his tracks
and he tried to turn me into a stalker
he lied
about me
to protect himself
and lied to me
so I would protect him too.
and I could not say what was happening with me because #1 I trusted him and he took things the direction he took. He steered away from conversation about what was physiologically and psychologically happening to me and turned it into a transference countertransference issue #2 He said he could get into trouble because of me, he could loose his license so I could not speak because I did not want that to happen to him. I cared. I loved him and he fed those feelings, used them, manipulated me in them, when I was manic, when I was experiencing PTSD and returning memories, when my brain was damaged and broken.. when it has an extra mass that should not be there....
I am yelling "NO, This is NOT OKAY," to nobody as I relive.
I want it to stop.
like I am in a bad dream. The yelling, I am not sure if I meant to do that or not.
I am just glad no one is around in that moment.
I hate him.
I hate them.
Dr. Reddy who was supposed to be the doctor overseeing. she played games
she would not treat because she believed whatever his lies were...
I hate her.
I hate them.
They are dishonest
I hate the Jodi who lied, misrepresented, and worked to make a case against me when she was supposed to be representing me.
It was all lies
It is all lies
and it is disgusting
and it hurts my head
and it hurts my heart
and they think it is a game
they have no shame.
they are the biggest creepers I have ever met and I thought they were good. I believed them, I trusted them I tried to help them...
they don't want to help people, they want to take advantage. They want easy money.
They are dishonest crooks and they try to criminalize me for speaking up, for speaking out. For expecting them to be what they proclaim themselves to be.
I am a lot of things
but crazy
in a bad way
that is they!
This is absolute insanity.
and I hate them. I hate them as my head hurts and my ear rings and my cognitive stamina falls short again.
I hate them as the bad dream replays causing sudden outbursts that echo
and leave bruised knuckles.
It is a game to them.
I am so mad right now because it was just a game to them.
I was a game.
They treated me like I was there playing games.
My head hurts
my heart hurts
my head hurts
and I am mad
I am mad
it does not disappear
the pain in my head
the ringing in my ear
the mood instability
this is not a game to me
and this is not fun
I am paying for them to have played with me
to lie
and play stupid games
for my money?
for their egos?
They did not look or try to figure out what was going on with my head
they just wanted me dead
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
...and it replays
every time my head starts to hurt
it replays and I know
he was playing with me
a toy
that is all I was
a toy
and he gets to decided, he holds all the cards
and he can manipulate it to be what ever he wants
he's covered his ass
he covers his tracks
and he tried to turn me into a stalker
he lied
about me
to protect himself
and lied to me
so I would protect him too.
and I could not say what was happening with me because #1 I trusted him and he took things the direction he took. He steered away from conversation about what was physiologically and psychologically happening to me and turned it into a transference countertransference issue #2 He said he could get into trouble because of me, he could loose his license so I could not speak because I did not want that to happen to him. I cared. I loved him and he fed those feelings, used them, manipulated me in them, when I was manic, when I was experiencing PTSD and returning memories, when my brain was damaged and broken.. when it has an extra mass that should not be there....
I am yelling "NO, This is NOT OKAY," to nobody as I relive.
I want it to stop.
like I am in a bad dream. The yelling, I am not sure if I meant to do that or not.
I am just glad no one is around in that moment.
I hate him.
I hate them.
Dr. Reddy who was supposed to be the doctor overseeing. she played games
she would not treat because she believed whatever his lies were...
I hate her.
I hate them.
They are dishonest
I hate the Jodi who lied, misrepresented, and worked to make a case against me when she was supposed to be representing me.
It was all lies
It is all lies
and it is disgusting
and it hurts my head
and it hurts my heart
and they think it is a game
they have no shame.
they are the biggest creepers I have ever met and I thought they were good. I believed them, I trusted them I tried to help them...
they don't want to help people, they want to take advantage. They want easy money.
They are dishonest crooks and they try to criminalize me for speaking up, for speaking out. For expecting them to be what they proclaim themselves to be.
I am a lot of things
but crazy
in a bad way
that is they!
This is absolute insanity.
and I hate them. I hate them as my head hurts and my ear rings and my cognitive stamina falls short again.
I hate them as the bad dream replays causing sudden outbursts that echo
and leave bruised knuckles.
Dear People at the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute,
If you are reading this to fight against me, if you're trying to build a legal case against me, if you are trying to turn me into a criminal, then I would like you to know that I will not be quiet about this.
This is NOT OKAY!
https://highlandspringsclinic.org/can-emotional-trauma-cause-brain-damage/
https://www.verywellmind.com/surprising-ways-that-stress-affects-your-brain-2795040
I am not a criminal and I have not made anything up, no slander, no defamation from me. I was not stalking, I repeatedly told you trying to go other places is reliving the trauma.
I will not be quiet about this. I will not be quiet about how I was treated and not treated. I will not be quiet about either your ignorance or your fraudulence.
My brain was broken when I came to you and you broke it even more when I was begging you to listen and to help me.
"there is something pathological to that" says Concussion doctor
"thank you for acknowledging that" is my response.
But even still, she does not treat the pathology, she pushes me out with no referral and no assistance though she said she would help me find a new team. She lied and then dismissed and denied, leaving me alone in the pathology of the things they are supposed to understand and know how to treat, adding to the stress and emotional trauma.
Breaking my broken brain even more.
I will NOT be quiet about this.
And then followed by the abuses of a termination letter signed by the lady who yelled at me and threats from a lawyer for talking about what happened there.
You all do hold the cards and if you want to try and turn me into a criminal for seeking help and trying to understand what was going on with my broken head and what was going on with the man you are trying to protect, then so be it.
I will fight back and I will expose you if that is the route you want to continue on.
If you are reading this to fight against me, if you're trying to build a legal case against me, if you are trying to turn me into a criminal, then I would like you to know that I will not be quiet about this.
This is NOT OKAY!
https://highlandspringsclinic.org/can-emotional-trauma-cause-brain-damage/
https://www.verywellmind.com/surprising-ways-that-stress-affects-your-brain-2795040
I am not a criminal and I have not made anything up, no slander, no defamation from me. I was not stalking, I repeatedly told you trying to go other places is reliving the trauma.
I will not be quiet about this. I will not be quiet about how I was treated and not treated. I will not be quiet about either your ignorance or your fraudulence.
My brain was broken when I came to you and you broke it even more when I was begging you to listen and to help me.
"there is something pathological to that" says Concussion doctor
"thank you for acknowledging that" is my response.
But even still, she does not treat the pathology, she pushes me out with no referral and no assistance though she said she would help me find a new team. She lied and then dismissed and denied, leaving me alone in the pathology of the things they are supposed to understand and know how to treat, adding to the stress and emotional trauma.
Breaking my broken brain even more.
I will NOT be quiet about this.
And then followed by the abuses of a termination letter signed by the lady who yelled at me and threats from a lawyer for talking about what happened there.
You all do hold the cards and if you want to try and turn me into a criminal for seeking help and trying to understand what was going on with my broken head and what was going on with the man you are trying to protect, then so be it.
I will fight back and I will expose you if that is the route you want to continue on.
Sunday, January 5, 2020
...holding back words and tears
...And I want to lash out again. I want to punch garbage cans. I am angry.
....
....and I am scared.
encephalomalacia
....
....and I am scared.
encephalomalacia
is the word running through my head.
and others...
that did not surprise me.
But I suppose I had hoped.
I had hoped that maybe it really was nothing going on with my head
I had hoped that maybe it was just a transference thing that made such a mess of me. Simply that and they were right, it was just me making a big deal out of nothing.
But then, if nothing had showed and eeg told, then myself I would have loathed
more than I already did.
So I have the evidence I was hiding from and even trying to hide. Hoping that hiding would make it disappear. Fake it until you make it.
The shaking in my hand. I asked about it then hid it. and allowed it to be brushed off...
I seemed better than I was because I had been through this before
and I did not want to face myself the reality of my injuries.
My head knew what to do, how to access, and how to stay awake. My body knew how not loose consciousness this time, or at least wake up quick. And my body knew how to not be throwing up sick this time.
...
"count backwards from 100, by sevens" asks the sports medicine doctor I saw because I could get into him sooner than a neurologist. I try and I can but it is slow and painful. My brain is rerouting and I can feel it. It is not coming easily and naturally. I am using a different pathway. He says I did good, but I was an elementary school teacher then and those kinds of activities were daily and a particular strong suit of mine. Not a good indicator of injury for me. I made it seem easy for someone with brain injury, though it was not as easy as it had been a couple of weeks prior, before the blow to my head.
"count backwards from 100, by sevens" asks the sports medicine doctor I saw because I could get into him sooner than a neurologist. I try and I can but it is slow and painful. My brain is rerouting and I can feel it. It is not coming easily and naturally. I am using a different pathway. He says I did good, but I was an elementary school teacher then and those kinds of activities were daily and a particular strong suit of mine. Not a good indicator of injury for me. I made it seem easy for someone with brain injury, though it was not as easy as it had been a couple of weeks prior, before the blow to my head.
He asks me to repeat some words. They are gone. Completely black in my head. I relax and try to utilize the tricks I have learned. I may have drawn one out without a hint. I don't remember now, but the others for sure, were gone and in that moment it kind of scares me how black and blank my mind is. I felt certain they were gone forever. But he gives a hint and magically the second word appears, but I am not sure how. This is not how my brain usually works. The last word, he gives another hint, and there it is magically appearing from the black blank void that is happening inside of me. It is there and I can say it but I am did not picture it first, the way I usually do. He says I am doing well. Labels it a concussion. But I know I did not do well. I know he is deceived by my ability, my ability that appears stronger than it is because I have experience with this. I have been here before. It is a strange feeling and the black blank void scares me.
PTSD?
Muscle memory?
I don't know.
But scary.
because I know the long haul
and I know
I am injured.
and I know
I am injured.
I know, even though I don't yet because I had not faced it or learned about it, but still I know the damage and the troubles a TBI can cause... because I have lived it. In ignorance and denial, not just by me alone but by family and those who had power and authority over me.
...Sports medicine guy; he is the second doctor to downplay and dismiss, to avoid ordering an MRI. An MRI that would have shown what was happening and why. An MRI that would have kept me from returning to soon to the job that fired me... for attendance, memory and anxiety.
Here and now my feelings are raw again and I feel vulnerable and anxious as I will be waiting months again to get into the "right" people who can help me understand
what is going on with my head...
...
"I am just trying to figure out what is going on with my head and I know I need to stand up for myself but I am not sure what that looks like yet," I tell the facility director that latter will yell at me for asking to be kept in house, to utilize a different neuropsychologist there at the facility I trust and is supposed to have the specialist I need for my mTBI that was maybe not so m.
...
"I am just trying to figure out what is going on with my head and I know I need to stand up for myself but I am not sure what that looks like yet," I tell the facility director that latter will yell at me for asking to be kept in house, to utilize a different neuropsychologist there at the facility I trust and is supposed to have the specialist I need for my mTBI that was maybe not so m.
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