...cont.
But the real truth is, it was not heaven at all but a combination of a whole lot of things, a whole lot of things that make both people and the industry of psychology so very complex.
"Unfortunately there is still a human element to all of this."
It was not heaven
It was mania
mixed with my trust
and admiration, appreciation and maybe a touch of infatuation
that he fed while in disguise
with his replies
of little white lies
laced with his secret desire to be between my thighs.
Not heaven but
the mystery of chemistry
being played with by the mastermind.
To bad I know
the best liars hide their lies in the truth.
I see through the disguise
but I do not despise
thus often these kind of guys
confess too freely to me
who they don't want others to see.
But I see
and so too freely they open up to me
confessing without meaning to who they are and what they do
Which is why Dr. He is so very terrified of me
It was all three.
Thus because I am a human, with a broken brain and other brain and mental health anomalies, I was highly vulnerable when I went there in the first place. In the Neuroscience Institute and with their providers (one in particular) I found hope, validation, understanding. My life was making sense from my new perspectives on brain injury. I also found a person with whom I connected easily and whose hypnotic voice calmed me. I felt safe and comfortable there. He seemed to understand how I worked and he knew how to redirect me or fill in the blanks when the blanks came. He could unscramble my scrambled words and seemed to know what I was trying to say. But in reality I likely credited him too highly because I needed what he offered so desperately. It is likely that I magnified or exaggerated his talents and abilities in my trust and flattery. But he definitely understood better so many things about me than anyone I had ever known to that point.
And of course he did. He has been studying head injury for 20 something years. He knows me so well from that context that I am not sure he even realized that is likely what he was attracted to. I was a physical manifestation of his research and the need for him and his occupation all wrapped up in an attractive enough female form. Walking, breathing, talking proof of the importance and significance of his findings. Of course he would fall in love with me.
Plus I am fun, playful, adventurous, and I love easily. ...with legs that are long enough to wrap around the object of my affection. That is not easy to ignore by men who find themselves married to my female peers that are not so playful, adventurous, or as easily and sincerely affectionate...
While in my younger years I was not the trophy many men or boys were looking for, very many find that there trophies do not satisfy their aging adventurous spirits and the trophies rust and eventually resent what they are or what they represent.
...and I am wandering vicariously in my thoughts at the moment, allowing myself to indulge in the things I previously would/could not see. I am an anomaly to many, not entirely all that unique in my individual attributes but rather unique in their mixing and in my ability to see things for what they are.
blah blah blah. Am I allowing my head to grow big? No idea, don't really care, but I do now understand that my troubles with girls and boys now are not too far off from my troubles with them in high school. I was too easily friends with the boys, playful but not a toy, and the girls would often resent me for it. I am the same, I guess, and another way I am reliving (even still) the trauma of those days. PSTD is not over yet.
I am so far digressed now, that I don't even know what I am saying, why, or what I was initially trying to say...
Except this. I needed his expertise and I loved the package it came in. He found a manifestation of his significance and he mistook that for something else, loosing objectivity completely and at my expense.
He is a small man with a small mind or it is still possible he was grooming and he plays with his patients on a regular basis. A brilliant yet deviant mastermind that has his entire institution fooled.
It could be he was broken himself and made mistakes. It could be my own broken manic misinterpretations, yet he denies that. So then what? How deep do his transgressions go? How deep does his deception go?
Mania?
Grooming?
Countertransference?
It can't be none
but it could have been all three
which is what I feel most inclined to believe
making it ridiculously complex for me
as he tries to hide
it all
from those who need to know and who can and should hold him accountable
and stop him.
He would let me go and let me die
he will even feed the destruction of me
just to protect
what I was also trying to protect:
him.
But manipulations do not work on me
-the manifestation of his career-
because I am the missing link
in all he claims to be trying to figure out, help and understand.
If he is true and trustworthy I am not his enemy I am his answer.
If he is a fraud and a fiend than I am his fear and the one who will expose him.
The yin to the yang
I am allowing my mind freedom as
I wander
and I digress
but do I?
How right am I?
and how wrong?
He is okay with being wrong about me
But I am not okay with that
because it hurt me in many many ways
and it kept me from getting the proper help and care I needed.
And he brought with him, in his wrongness, an entire institution and my reputation.
And I am not okay with that.
Yin and Yang are out of balance
and I cannot seem to convince myself that this is only true for me
that I am the exception that
should be sacrificed for the greater good
that they claim is only unbalanced for me or because of me.
But I am not the one that is in disguise
nor am the one
speaking the lies.
Just ask the MRI's
Friday, January 3, 2020
Wednesday, January 1, 2020
Warriors
Sometimes I just want to write things down. Sometimes I want to publish them even though I know it may reflect poorly on me to others.
I have had a lot in my head about warriors and mental health issues and the way they are handled. I think of warriors because we watched Free Solo, the documentary about a man named Alex Hannold who free climbed El Diablo. He is an interesting person. At one point he talks about the warrior spirit. There is also a lot of commentary about how free solo climbers are doing it for themselves and they often do not want the camera on them. It was as if it were some unwritten code of false humility or something. But Alex wanted it on camera. It was never said but it was obvious because he would tell them when he was going and other indications that Alex wanted the cameras there. Some may have that weird "you are doing it for show then" attitude and criticism but I think that is exactly what sets him a part. That is what makes him a warrior, that is the warrior spirit.
I believe that is what sets him apart from the other free soloists that all eventually died free climbing less difficult routes because he is not only doing it for himself.
I am going to diverge and wander here now.
Driving 4 hours from the southern end of my state to go to the Brain Injury Alliance conference a few months back, I had a bit of a melt down. Maybe it was too many hours alone when I was still fragile and stabilizing amidst being actively involved in emotionally taxing activities like watching niece and nephews with my mother-in-law and facing TBI realities by attending the conference. I was still very young in the stabilizing with medication. Whatever the reason, I had a bit of a melt down.
Amidst this melt down I realized I am not strong enough to fight just for me. I was not winning the battles in my head when it was just for me. I was loosing still, even with the medication. But, when I thought of my kids I had to keep fighting. I found strength to keep fighting again. In that moment I realized that I really am not strong enough just for me BUT I can be strong enough for my kids.
However, under the crushing weight of my intensities, I also realized I am not strong enough by myself ...so I phoned a friend. Probably the first time ever in a mental battle with the dark side (that was winning). I usually face my demons alone and try not to burden others. But this time I was not strong enough and calling CP was wise. I am so grateful for her. She helped me to keep fighting. She helped me to be a warrior.
That is the difference between a fighter and a warrior; a fighter can fight just for them self, but a warrior is not a warrior unless they are fighting for a cause -for something bigger than themselves- for others. A warrior is much stronger than a fighter for that very reason.
Alex the free soloist is a warrior because he is not just doing it for him and he draws strength from others. When he was on the wall of El Diablo with no ropes, when he would pass the scariest and hardest challenges, he would look at the camera and smile; he was drawing strength from and celebrating with those who were there documenting his feat. I think if he were doing it only for himself, then his body would have told him to let go a hundred times and he justifiably could have because it was for him self and he was listening to his body. But with the cameras present and with what he had eluded to previously in the documentary about how part of what drove him was the desire to be good enough in the eyes of his parents, Alex would draw strength and hold on because he knew "nobody wanted to see that" if he were to fall. I admire him for wanting to share his feat with others and for drawing strength from them. I admire him for having a true warrior spirit and determination.
And now I diverge again... I find myself annoyed with myself because it has been so very difficult to "get over" this man that I know I don't really know and that obviously does not actually care for me. He has been a literal and very solid stigmatizing, harmful, and slandering jerk. It is very confusing and annoying that my mind and heart would ever still think to care about him AND even to crave his presence and existence in my life.
So my mind still tries to make sense of why that is and I am reminded of the psychology professor that, in his bio, claimed to be researching what happens to people in therapy and the thought crosses me; "What do you do when you find heaven but heaven does not want you? Instead, expecting you to walk away and be okay."
I could go deeper into this, connecting to others and what are all too common feelings and "problems" in therapy, but I really don't want to, because it simply feels the way I said, and it is very hard to walk away from what feels like heaven, simply because heaven does not want you.
Psychology: the industry of blasphemy. And what a beautiful fucked up man.
I have had a lot in my head about warriors and mental health issues and the way they are handled. I think of warriors because we watched Free Solo, the documentary about a man named Alex Hannold who free climbed El Diablo. He is an interesting person. At one point he talks about the warrior spirit. There is also a lot of commentary about how free solo climbers are doing it for themselves and they often do not want the camera on them. It was as if it were some unwritten code of false humility or something. But Alex wanted it on camera. It was never said but it was obvious because he would tell them when he was going and other indications that Alex wanted the cameras there. Some may have that weird "you are doing it for show then" attitude and criticism but I think that is exactly what sets him a part. That is what makes him a warrior, that is the warrior spirit.
I believe that is what sets him apart from the other free soloists that all eventually died free climbing less difficult routes because he is not only doing it for himself.
I am going to diverge and wander here now.
Driving 4 hours from the southern end of my state to go to the Brain Injury Alliance conference a few months back, I had a bit of a melt down. Maybe it was too many hours alone when I was still fragile and stabilizing amidst being actively involved in emotionally taxing activities like watching niece and nephews with my mother-in-law and facing TBI realities by attending the conference. I was still very young in the stabilizing with medication. Whatever the reason, I had a bit of a melt down.
Amidst this melt down I realized I am not strong enough to fight just for me. I was not winning the battles in my head when it was just for me. I was loosing still, even with the medication. But, when I thought of my kids I had to keep fighting. I found strength to keep fighting again. In that moment I realized that I really am not strong enough just for me BUT I can be strong enough for my kids.
However, under the crushing weight of my intensities, I also realized I am not strong enough by myself ...so I phoned a friend. Probably the first time ever in a mental battle with the dark side (that was winning). I usually face my demons alone and try not to burden others. But this time I was not strong enough and calling CP was wise. I am so grateful for her. She helped me to keep fighting. She helped me to be a warrior.
That is the difference between a fighter and a warrior; a fighter can fight just for them self, but a warrior is not a warrior unless they are fighting for a cause -for something bigger than themselves- for others. A warrior is much stronger than a fighter for that very reason.
Alex the free soloist is a warrior because he is not just doing it for him and he draws strength from others. When he was on the wall of El Diablo with no ropes, when he would pass the scariest and hardest challenges, he would look at the camera and smile; he was drawing strength from and celebrating with those who were there documenting his feat. I think if he were doing it only for himself, then his body would have told him to let go a hundred times and he justifiably could have because it was for him self and he was listening to his body. But with the cameras present and with what he had eluded to previously in the documentary about how part of what drove him was the desire to be good enough in the eyes of his parents, Alex would draw strength and hold on because he knew "nobody wanted to see that" if he were to fall. I admire him for wanting to share his feat with others and for drawing strength from them. I admire him for having a true warrior spirit and determination.
And now I diverge again... I find myself annoyed with myself because it has been so very difficult to "get over" this man that I know I don't really know and that obviously does not actually care for me. He has been a literal and very solid stigmatizing, harmful, and slandering jerk. It is very confusing and annoying that my mind and heart would ever still think to care about him AND even to crave his presence and existence in my life.
So my mind still tries to make sense of why that is and I am reminded of the psychology professor that, in his bio, claimed to be researching what happens to people in therapy and the thought crosses me; "What do you do when you find heaven but heaven does not want you? Instead, expecting you to walk away and be okay."
I could go deeper into this, connecting to others and what are all too common feelings and "problems" in therapy, but I really don't want to, because it simply feels the way I said, and it is very hard to walk away from what feels like heaven, simply because heaven does not want you.
Psychology: the industry of blasphemy. And what a beautiful fucked up man.
Friday, December 27, 2019
The stings that can kill
The worst lie:
“I would always want to protect you...”
No, you would not. You did not when it was your job to. You used me.
Right now I need protecting that I would not have needed if you had actually had my best interest in mind, if you actually cared, wanted, or tried to protect me.
It was a lie
an A manipulation
solid evidence of your lies.
And the words haunt me and sting harsh again, in this moment that I need protection.
...which makes me think of my two last physical stings from the flying yellow and black creatures that sting. Both within the last two years, both turned into cellulitis and I had to take medications to stop the severe overreaction from spreading... My body reacted too extreme...
This seems a familiar theme.
The stings that turn into life threatening infections...
from the deceptive creatures who do not love me.
“I would always want to protect you...”
No, you would not. You did not when it was your job to. You used me.
Right now I need protecting that I would not have needed if you had actually had my best interest in mind, if you actually cared, wanted, or tried to protect me.
It was a lie
an A manipulation
solid evidence of your lies.
And the words haunt me and sting harsh again, in this moment that I need protection.
...which makes me think of my two last physical stings from the flying yellow and black creatures that sting. Both within the last two years, both turned into cellulitis and I had to take medications to stop the severe overreaction from spreading... My body reacted too extreme...
This seems a familiar theme.
The stings that turn into life threatening infections...
from the deceptive creatures who do not love me.
Thursday, December 26, 2019
Favorite Quotes of the moment
"You lose a leg or a kidney, you're still you, but you lose a part of your brain -literally, lose your mind - and who are you then?"
-Lori Gottlieb
"She is not herself. You have no idea what she is fighting."
- The character Finn in Star Wars: the Rise of Skywalker.
-Lori Gottlieb
"She is not herself. You have no idea what she is fighting."
- The character Finn in Star Wars: the Rise of Skywalker.
Monday, December 23, 2019
A long day
EEG and MRI results turned into a long day.
Kids coming was a definite positive.
Now, mostly, I need to go to bed.
But I just have to say
Turns out
By Brain really is a fascinating place!
So fascinating that the day ended (I just returned home) with yet another brain scan.
And this is all so funny to me.
HA HA HA HA HA
and that is all I will say about that.
Goodnight.
Kids coming was a definite positive.
Now, mostly, I need to go to bed.
But I just have to say
Turns out
By Brain really is a fascinating place!
So fascinating that the day ended (I just returned home) with yet another brain scan.
And this is all so funny to me.
HA HA HA HA HA
and that is all I will say about that.
Goodnight.
"Try not to think about what might have been..."
Dr. She tells me I present very well, but regardless she says "at the moment they felt you were stalking they should have had you admitted."
And I have to say I full heartedly agree with that, because that would have been back in January as there is sufficient evidence in medical records and email that this was being suggested by the Institutionees even back that far.
If that had happened I would likely have tried to convince them that I did not need to go... but maybe I would not have. Either way, the mere suggestion of it would have sent me into a strange fit that would not have been deniable and made clear that I needed the added care and observation.
Had I been hospitalized/institutionalized at that point the providers at whatever facility would have seen the varying degrees and the bizarre rapid cycling mood instability I was experiencing. I most certainly would have then been put on the mood stabilizer that Dr. Concussion saw and acknowledged I needed but avoided providing due to her conversation with Dr. He and the proceeding labeling of me as a Liability.
I would have received the care I needed and the stupid romantic transference-countertransference feedings would have ended then and there.
But alas, it is far too complex -Or is it diabolical?- in that they were, or he was, not actually concerned about me stalking but was rather trying to build that image of me. The concern about it was not actually there, rather it was their attempts to build a case against me...
Conspiracy theory?
Unfortunately it is not. and even if it had merely been their attempts to make me appear to be a stalker that they had me admitted for it would have been a good move for me, because I desperately needed that kind/level of care, assessment, evaluation, observation and medication.
This really is the reality the evidence suggests. So many questions beg to be answered like, did they keep me untreated on purpose, not have me admitted because that could potentially work against them in the mistakes that had been made? I would not think so and actually I know so, because it would have been so much better to get the help then and to reconcile.... Unless of course they were the frauds it appears they may be... and so it goes, reality meets insanity and who is really crazy here? Because the truth is I was not stalking, I was there seeking help. I was trying to understand what was going on with my head while trying to protect Dr. He the way he had manipulated or conditioned me too and because I really did genuinely care for him.
I have wondered about that, if it was genuine or the product of manipulation.
Dr. She answered this question for me when I asked how it was that my heart physically hurt for the entire time between the appointment Dr. P dropped me and when I finally got back to him two weeks later. I wanted to know how it was that just seeing him and when I was with him those last two appointments my heart had settled and did not hurt, but would continue to again (though to a lesser degree) after I left He. Dr. She said it is because I genuinely cared for him.... and I know this it true... because, stupidly even still, I still do. Even though he deserves it not at all and even though I have to turn him in because there is a chance he is a master manipulator who plays with his patients regularly AND because I am worth standing up for. I am worth being heard and respected and -now this is leading into a post I have been meaning to write- it is reckless and scary that they would deny mania and mess with me the way they did. There is or are many things very wrong with how I was handled and THAT is why I cannot just let it go. They are medical providers that behaved incredibly irresponsibly, carelessly and recklessly and even if I really truly am an isolated incident, I deserve to have this addressed and actions and records corrected appropriately on my behalf. They cannot deny mania, that is morally, ethically, occupationally, and medically wrong and it was very dangerous and irresponsible.
Not going to edit yet, actually time to get going.
Good Morning.
ps- the majority of my post titles are meant to be humorous. They at least make me laugh in spite of some not so funny stuff they address.
And I have to say I full heartedly agree with that, because that would have been back in January as there is sufficient evidence in medical records and email that this was being suggested by the Institutionees even back that far.
If that had happened I would likely have tried to convince them that I did not need to go... but maybe I would not have. Either way, the mere suggestion of it would have sent me into a strange fit that would not have been deniable and made clear that I needed the added care and observation.
Had I been hospitalized/institutionalized at that point the providers at whatever facility would have seen the varying degrees and the bizarre rapid cycling mood instability I was experiencing. I most certainly would have then been put on the mood stabilizer that Dr. Concussion saw and acknowledged I needed but avoided providing due to her conversation with Dr. He and the proceeding labeling of me as a Liability.
I would have received the care I needed and the stupid romantic transference-countertransference feedings would have ended then and there.
But alas, it is far too complex -Or is it diabolical?- in that they were, or he was, not actually concerned about me stalking but was rather trying to build that image of me. The concern about it was not actually there, rather it was their attempts to build a case against me...
Conspiracy theory?
Unfortunately it is not. and even if it had merely been their attempts to make me appear to be a stalker that they had me admitted for it would have been a good move for me, because I desperately needed that kind/level of care, assessment, evaluation, observation and medication.
This really is the reality the evidence suggests. So many questions beg to be answered like, did they keep me untreated on purpose, not have me admitted because that could potentially work against them in the mistakes that had been made? I would not think so and actually I know so, because it would have been so much better to get the help then and to reconcile.... Unless of course they were the frauds it appears they may be... and so it goes, reality meets insanity and who is really crazy here? Because the truth is I was not stalking, I was there seeking help. I was trying to understand what was going on with my head while trying to protect Dr. He the way he had manipulated or conditioned me too and because I really did genuinely care for him.
I have wondered about that, if it was genuine or the product of manipulation.
Dr. She answered this question for me when I asked how it was that my heart physically hurt for the entire time between the appointment Dr. P dropped me and when I finally got back to him two weeks later. I wanted to know how it was that just seeing him and when I was with him those last two appointments my heart had settled and did not hurt, but would continue to again (though to a lesser degree) after I left He. Dr. She said it is because I genuinely cared for him.... and I know this it true... because, stupidly even still, I still do. Even though he deserves it not at all and even though I have to turn him in because there is a chance he is a master manipulator who plays with his patients regularly AND because I am worth standing up for. I am worth being heard and respected and -now this is leading into a post I have been meaning to write- it is reckless and scary that they would deny mania and mess with me the way they did. There is or are many things very wrong with how I was handled and THAT is why I cannot just let it go. They are medical providers that behaved incredibly irresponsibly, carelessly and recklessly and even if I really truly am an isolated incident, I deserve to have this addressed and actions and records corrected appropriately on my behalf. They cannot deny mania, that is morally, ethically, occupationally, and medically wrong and it was very dangerous and irresponsible.
Not going to edit yet, actually time to get going.
Good Morning.
ps- the majority of my post titles are meant to be humorous. They at least make me laugh in spite of some not so funny stuff they address.
many hands make light work
Sleep deprived? Definitely. Though at the moment, aside from the occasional yawn, I am not feeling it.
I opted to sleep in the extra bedroom so as not to keep my husband up, especially since he went to bed not feeling too well. He thought he was just overly tired. However, not sleeping myself, I could hear him across the hall not sleeping well at all. I decided to head to my bed knowing that I often sleep better when he is by my side. He had been sick. He is sick now.
He is hot and cold, sweating while cold to touch, tossing and turning and he has now had to escape to the bathroom 3 times to wretch his insides out.
It is very unpleasant for him and I hate that I am powerless.
As I listen to him hurling in the bathroom I am reminded of when I had my daughter. I remember how I only puked three days; the day when I found out I was pregnant, the day I found out she was a girl and the day I had her. All three for various reasons that were probably not so much morning sickness. In fact the day I had her it was because I had been induced with an induction that was too hard and too fast. I had been induced after having labor stopped about 2 weeks prior, because she was too small.
And the story is very fascinating really, as my stories so often are. For example, I didn't know I was in labor, couldn't feel the contractions until after they had medicated me to stop them. It was only caught because I was measuring too small, too small despite the fact that I had gained about twice what is considered "healthy pregnancy weight gain," but it was okay because my almost 5'7" athletic frame started the pregnancy at about 103 lbs. Induced because her heart rate dropped while being monitored, it turned out her umbilical cord was too short, and yet she still scored a perfect 10 on the Apgar. The first or one of very few the midwife had ever given. She was shocked considering. So basically after my daughter had the heart stopping thrill of bungee-ing out of me she scored a 10 on the Apgar. That's just how we role in this family.
Those are just a touch of the peculiarities of my pregnancy I was reminded of as I am listen to my poor husband puking his guts out the way I did 6 times that first night I found out I was pregnant when he was out of town. And as I think of this and my mind then wanders on to so many details of our life together, our children, etc, I am struck by just how little we ever get to share or know of the back stories that are so very influential to our lives.
Back stories; we know so little of each other.
And another story I want to share, as I am attempting to achieve that sleep deprived feeling -but I think it best to post is as it's own post.
Which may make these posts appear to be evolving into magnificent mania and surely this is mimicking the start, but so far I am not feeling the push back or high feelings so hopefully after EEG is completed and the systems are medicated again we will not cross over. (we being all of the me's ... and I am reminded of: "but my personality is still changing too much" I pleaded the day he dropped me unexpectedly).
I opted to sleep in the extra bedroom so as not to keep my husband up, especially since he went to bed not feeling too well. He thought he was just overly tired. However, not sleeping myself, I could hear him across the hall not sleeping well at all. I decided to head to my bed knowing that I often sleep better when he is by my side. He had been sick. He is sick now.
He is hot and cold, sweating while cold to touch, tossing and turning and he has now had to escape to the bathroom 3 times to wretch his insides out.
It is very unpleasant for him and I hate that I am powerless.
As I listen to him hurling in the bathroom I am reminded of when I had my daughter. I remember how I only puked three days; the day when I found out I was pregnant, the day I found out she was a girl and the day I had her. All three for various reasons that were probably not so much morning sickness. In fact the day I had her it was because I had been induced with an induction that was too hard and too fast. I had been induced after having labor stopped about 2 weeks prior, because she was too small.
And the story is very fascinating really, as my stories so often are. For example, I didn't know I was in labor, couldn't feel the contractions until after they had medicated me to stop them. It was only caught because I was measuring too small, too small despite the fact that I had gained about twice what is considered "healthy pregnancy weight gain," but it was okay because my almost 5'7" athletic frame started the pregnancy at about 103 lbs. Induced because her heart rate dropped while being monitored, it turned out her umbilical cord was too short, and yet she still scored a perfect 10 on the Apgar. The first or one of very few the midwife had ever given. She was shocked considering. So basically after my daughter had the heart stopping thrill of bungee-ing out of me she scored a 10 on the Apgar. That's just how we role in this family.
Those are just a touch of the peculiarities of my pregnancy I was reminded of as I am listen to my poor husband puking his guts out the way I did 6 times that first night I found out I was pregnant when he was out of town. And as I think of this and my mind then wanders on to so many details of our life together, our children, etc, I am struck by just how little we ever get to share or know of the back stories that are so very influential to our lives.
Back stories; we know so little of each other.
And another story I want to share, as I am attempting to achieve that sleep deprived feeling -but I think it best to post is as it's own post.
Which may make these posts appear to be evolving into magnificent mania and surely this is mimicking the start, but so far I am not feeling the push back or high feelings so hopefully after EEG is completed and the systems are medicated again we will not cross over. (we being all of the me's ... and I am reminded of: "but my personality is still changing too much" I pleaded the day he dropped me unexpectedly).
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