Sometimes I just want to write things down. Sometimes I want to publish them even though I know it may reflect poorly on me to others.
I have had a lot in my head about warriors and mental health issues and the way they are handled. I think of warriors because we watched Free Solo, the documentary about a man named Alex Hannold who free climbed El Diablo. He is an interesting person. At one point he talks about the warrior spirit. There is also a lot of commentary about how free solo climbers are doing it for themselves and they often do not want the camera on them. It was as if it were some unwritten code of false humility or something. But Alex wanted it on camera. It was never said but it was obvious because he would tell them when he was going and other indications that Alex wanted the cameras there. Some may have that weird "you are doing it for show then" attitude and criticism but I think that is exactly what sets him a part. That is what makes him a warrior, that is the warrior spirit.
I believe that is what sets him apart from the other free soloists that all eventually died free climbing less difficult routes because he is not only doing it for himself.
I am going to diverge and wander here now.
Driving 4 hours from the southern end of my state to go to the Brain Injury Alliance conference a few months back, I had a bit of a melt down. Maybe it was too many hours alone when I was still fragile and stabilizing amidst being actively involved in emotionally taxing activities like watching niece and nephews with my mother-in-law and facing TBI realities by attending the conference. I was still very young in the stabilizing with medication. Whatever the reason, I had a bit of a melt down.
Amidst this melt down I realized I am not strong enough to fight just for me. I was not winning the battles in my head when it was just for me. I was loosing still, even with the medication. But, when I thought of my kids I had to keep fighting. I found strength to keep fighting again. In that moment I realized that I really am not strong enough just for me BUT I can be strong enough for my kids.
However, under the crushing weight of my intensities, I also realized I am not strong enough by myself ...so I phoned a friend. Probably the first time ever in a mental battle with the dark side (that was winning). I usually face my demons alone and try not to burden others. But this time I was not strong enough and calling CP was wise. I am so grateful for her. She helped me to keep fighting. She helped me to be a warrior.
That is the difference between a fighter and a warrior; a fighter can fight just for them self, but a warrior is not a warrior unless they are fighting for a cause -for something bigger than themselves- for others. A warrior is much stronger than a fighter for that very reason.
Alex the free soloist is a warrior because he is not just doing it for him and he draws strength from others. When he was on the wall of El Diablo with no ropes, when he would pass the scariest and hardest challenges, he would look at the camera and smile; he was drawing strength from and celebrating with those who were there documenting his feat. I think if he were doing it only for himself, then his body would have told him to let go a hundred times and he justifiably could have because it was for him self and he was listening to his body. But with the cameras present and with what he had eluded to previously in the documentary about how part of what drove him was the desire to be good enough in the eyes of his parents, Alex would draw strength and hold on because he knew "nobody wanted to see that" if he were to fall. I admire him for wanting to share his feat with others and for drawing strength from them. I admire him for having a true warrior spirit and determination.
And now I diverge again... I find myself annoyed with myself because it has been so very difficult to "get over" this man that I know I don't really know and that obviously does not actually care for me. He has been a literal and very solid stigmatizing, harmful, and slandering jerk. It is very confusing and annoying that my mind and heart would ever still think to care about him AND even to crave his presence and existence in my life.
So my mind still tries to make sense of why that is and I am reminded of the psychology professor that, in his bio, claimed to be researching what happens to people in therapy and the thought crosses me; "What do you do when you find heaven but heaven does not want you? Instead, expecting you to walk away and be okay."
I could go deeper into this, connecting to others and what are all too common feelings and "problems" in therapy, but I really don't want to, because it simply feels the way I said, and it is very hard to walk away from what feels like heaven, simply because heaven does not want you.
Psychology: the industry of blasphemy. And what a beautiful fucked up man.
Wednesday, January 1, 2020
Friday, December 27, 2019
The stings that can kill
The worst lie:
“I would always want to protect you...”
No, you would not. You did not when it was your job to. You used me.
Right now I need protecting that I would not have needed if you had actually had my best interest in mind, if you actually cared, wanted, or tried to protect me.
It was a lie
an A manipulation
solid evidence of your lies.
And the words haunt me and sting harsh again, in this moment that I need protection.
...which makes me think of my two last physical stings from the flying yellow and black creatures that sting. Both within the last two years, both turned into cellulitis and I had to take medications to stop the severe overreaction from spreading... My body reacted too extreme...
This seems a familiar theme.
The stings that turn into life threatening infections...
from the deceptive creatures who do not love me.
“I would always want to protect you...”
No, you would not. You did not when it was your job to. You used me.
Right now I need protecting that I would not have needed if you had actually had my best interest in mind, if you actually cared, wanted, or tried to protect me.
It was a lie
an A manipulation
solid evidence of your lies.
And the words haunt me and sting harsh again, in this moment that I need protection.
...which makes me think of my two last physical stings from the flying yellow and black creatures that sting. Both within the last two years, both turned into cellulitis and I had to take medications to stop the severe overreaction from spreading... My body reacted too extreme...
This seems a familiar theme.
The stings that turn into life threatening infections...
from the deceptive creatures who do not love me.
Thursday, December 26, 2019
Favorite Quotes of the moment
"You lose a leg or a kidney, you're still you, but you lose a part of your brain -literally, lose your mind - and who are you then?"
-Lori Gottlieb
"She is not herself. You have no idea what she is fighting."
- The character Finn in Star Wars: the Rise of Skywalker.
-Lori Gottlieb
"She is not herself. You have no idea what she is fighting."
- The character Finn in Star Wars: the Rise of Skywalker.
Monday, December 23, 2019
A long day
EEG and MRI results turned into a long day.
Kids coming was a definite positive.
Now, mostly, I need to go to bed.
But I just have to say
Turns out
By Brain really is a fascinating place!
So fascinating that the day ended (I just returned home) with yet another brain scan.
And this is all so funny to me.
HA HA HA HA HA
and that is all I will say about that.
Goodnight.
Kids coming was a definite positive.
Now, mostly, I need to go to bed.
But I just have to say
Turns out
By Brain really is a fascinating place!
So fascinating that the day ended (I just returned home) with yet another brain scan.
And this is all so funny to me.
HA HA HA HA HA
and that is all I will say about that.
Goodnight.
"Try not to think about what might have been..."
Dr. She tells me I present very well, but regardless she says "at the moment they felt you were stalking they should have had you admitted."
And I have to say I full heartedly agree with that, because that would have been back in January as there is sufficient evidence in medical records and email that this was being suggested by the Institutionees even back that far.
If that had happened I would likely have tried to convince them that I did not need to go... but maybe I would not have. Either way, the mere suggestion of it would have sent me into a strange fit that would not have been deniable and made clear that I needed the added care and observation.
Had I been hospitalized/institutionalized at that point the providers at whatever facility would have seen the varying degrees and the bizarre rapid cycling mood instability I was experiencing. I most certainly would have then been put on the mood stabilizer that Dr. Concussion saw and acknowledged I needed but avoided providing due to her conversation with Dr. He and the proceeding labeling of me as a Liability.
I would have received the care I needed and the stupid romantic transference-countertransference feedings would have ended then and there.
But alas, it is far too complex -Or is it diabolical?- in that they were, or he was, not actually concerned about me stalking but was rather trying to build that image of me. The concern about it was not actually there, rather it was their attempts to build a case against me...
Conspiracy theory?
Unfortunately it is not. and even if it had merely been their attempts to make me appear to be a stalker that they had me admitted for it would have been a good move for me, because I desperately needed that kind/level of care, assessment, evaluation, observation and medication.
This really is the reality the evidence suggests. So many questions beg to be answered like, did they keep me untreated on purpose, not have me admitted because that could potentially work against them in the mistakes that had been made? I would not think so and actually I know so, because it would have been so much better to get the help then and to reconcile.... Unless of course they were the frauds it appears they may be... and so it goes, reality meets insanity and who is really crazy here? Because the truth is I was not stalking, I was there seeking help. I was trying to understand what was going on with my head while trying to protect Dr. He the way he had manipulated or conditioned me too and because I really did genuinely care for him.
I have wondered about that, if it was genuine or the product of manipulation.
Dr. She answered this question for me when I asked how it was that my heart physically hurt for the entire time between the appointment Dr. P dropped me and when I finally got back to him two weeks later. I wanted to know how it was that just seeing him and when I was with him those last two appointments my heart had settled and did not hurt, but would continue to again (though to a lesser degree) after I left He. Dr. She said it is because I genuinely cared for him.... and I know this it true... because, stupidly even still, I still do. Even though he deserves it not at all and even though I have to turn him in because there is a chance he is a master manipulator who plays with his patients regularly AND because I am worth standing up for. I am worth being heard and respected and -now this is leading into a post I have been meaning to write- it is reckless and scary that they would deny mania and mess with me the way they did. There is or are many things very wrong with how I was handled and THAT is why I cannot just let it go. They are medical providers that behaved incredibly irresponsibly, carelessly and recklessly and even if I really truly am an isolated incident, I deserve to have this addressed and actions and records corrected appropriately on my behalf. They cannot deny mania, that is morally, ethically, occupationally, and medically wrong and it was very dangerous and irresponsible.
Not going to edit yet, actually time to get going.
Good Morning.
ps- the majority of my post titles are meant to be humorous. They at least make me laugh in spite of some not so funny stuff they address.
And I have to say I full heartedly agree with that, because that would have been back in January as there is sufficient evidence in medical records and email that this was being suggested by the Institutionees even back that far.
If that had happened I would likely have tried to convince them that I did not need to go... but maybe I would not have. Either way, the mere suggestion of it would have sent me into a strange fit that would not have been deniable and made clear that I needed the added care and observation.
Had I been hospitalized/institutionalized at that point the providers at whatever facility would have seen the varying degrees and the bizarre rapid cycling mood instability I was experiencing. I most certainly would have then been put on the mood stabilizer that Dr. Concussion saw and acknowledged I needed but avoided providing due to her conversation with Dr. He and the proceeding labeling of me as a Liability.
I would have received the care I needed and the stupid romantic transference-countertransference feedings would have ended then and there.
But alas, it is far too complex -Or is it diabolical?- in that they were, or he was, not actually concerned about me stalking but was rather trying to build that image of me. The concern about it was not actually there, rather it was their attempts to build a case against me...
Conspiracy theory?
Unfortunately it is not. and even if it had merely been their attempts to make me appear to be a stalker that they had me admitted for it would have been a good move for me, because I desperately needed that kind/level of care, assessment, evaluation, observation and medication.
This really is the reality the evidence suggests. So many questions beg to be answered like, did they keep me untreated on purpose, not have me admitted because that could potentially work against them in the mistakes that had been made? I would not think so and actually I know so, because it would have been so much better to get the help then and to reconcile.... Unless of course they were the frauds it appears they may be... and so it goes, reality meets insanity and who is really crazy here? Because the truth is I was not stalking, I was there seeking help. I was trying to understand what was going on with my head while trying to protect Dr. He the way he had manipulated or conditioned me too and because I really did genuinely care for him.
I have wondered about that, if it was genuine or the product of manipulation.
Dr. She answered this question for me when I asked how it was that my heart physically hurt for the entire time between the appointment Dr. P dropped me and when I finally got back to him two weeks later. I wanted to know how it was that just seeing him and when I was with him those last two appointments my heart had settled and did not hurt, but would continue to again (though to a lesser degree) after I left He. Dr. She said it is because I genuinely cared for him.... and I know this it true... because, stupidly even still, I still do. Even though he deserves it not at all and even though I have to turn him in because there is a chance he is a master manipulator who plays with his patients regularly AND because I am worth standing up for. I am worth being heard and respected and -now this is leading into a post I have been meaning to write- it is reckless and scary that they would deny mania and mess with me the way they did. There is or are many things very wrong with how I was handled and THAT is why I cannot just let it go. They are medical providers that behaved incredibly irresponsibly, carelessly and recklessly and even if I really truly am an isolated incident, I deserve to have this addressed and actions and records corrected appropriately on my behalf. They cannot deny mania, that is morally, ethically, occupationally, and medically wrong and it was very dangerous and irresponsible.
Not going to edit yet, actually time to get going.
Good Morning.
ps- the majority of my post titles are meant to be humorous. They at least make me laugh in spite of some not so funny stuff they address.
many hands make light work
Sleep deprived? Definitely. Though at the moment, aside from the occasional yawn, I am not feeling it.
I opted to sleep in the extra bedroom so as not to keep my husband up, especially since he went to bed not feeling too well. He thought he was just overly tired. However, not sleeping myself, I could hear him across the hall not sleeping well at all. I decided to head to my bed knowing that I often sleep better when he is by my side. He had been sick. He is sick now.
He is hot and cold, sweating while cold to touch, tossing and turning and he has now had to escape to the bathroom 3 times to wretch his insides out.
It is very unpleasant for him and I hate that I am powerless.
As I listen to him hurling in the bathroom I am reminded of when I had my daughter. I remember how I only puked three days; the day when I found out I was pregnant, the day I found out she was a girl and the day I had her. All three for various reasons that were probably not so much morning sickness. In fact the day I had her it was because I had been induced with an induction that was too hard and too fast. I had been induced after having labor stopped about 2 weeks prior, because she was too small.
And the story is very fascinating really, as my stories so often are. For example, I didn't know I was in labor, couldn't feel the contractions until after they had medicated me to stop them. It was only caught because I was measuring too small, too small despite the fact that I had gained about twice what is considered "healthy pregnancy weight gain," but it was okay because my almost 5'7" athletic frame started the pregnancy at about 103 lbs. Induced because her heart rate dropped while being monitored, it turned out her umbilical cord was too short, and yet she still scored a perfect 10 on the Apgar. The first or one of very few the midwife had ever given. She was shocked considering. So basically after my daughter had the heart stopping thrill of bungee-ing out of me she scored a 10 on the Apgar. That's just how we role in this family.
Those are just a touch of the peculiarities of my pregnancy I was reminded of as I am listen to my poor husband puking his guts out the way I did 6 times that first night I found out I was pregnant when he was out of town. And as I think of this and my mind then wanders on to so many details of our life together, our children, etc, I am struck by just how little we ever get to share or know of the back stories that are so very influential to our lives.
Back stories; we know so little of each other.
And another story I want to share, as I am attempting to achieve that sleep deprived feeling -but I think it best to post is as it's own post.
Which may make these posts appear to be evolving into magnificent mania and surely this is mimicking the start, but so far I am not feeling the push back or high feelings so hopefully after EEG is completed and the systems are medicated again we will not cross over. (we being all of the me's ... and I am reminded of: "but my personality is still changing too much" I pleaded the day he dropped me unexpectedly).
I opted to sleep in the extra bedroom so as not to keep my husband up, especially since he went to bed not feeling too well. He thought he was just overly tired. However, not sleeping myself, I could hear him across the hall not sleeping well at all. I decided to head to my bed knowing that I often sleep better when he is by my side. He had been sick. He is sick now.
He is hot and cold, sweating while cold to touch, tossing and turning and he has now had to escape to the bathroom 3 times to wretch his insides out.
It is very unpleasant for him and I hate that I am powerless.
As I listen to him hurling in the bathroom I am reminded of when I had my daughter. I remember how I only puked three days; the day when I found out I was pregnant, the day I found out she was a girl and the day I had her. All three for various reasons that were probably not so much morning sickness. In fact the day I had her it was because I had been induced with an induction that was too hard and too fast. I had been induced after having labor stopped about 2 weeks prior, because she was too small.
And the story is very fascinating really, as my stories so often are. For example, I didn't know I was in labor, couldn't feel the contractions until after they had medicated me to stop them. It was only caught because I was measuring too small, too small despite the fact that I had gained about twice what is considered "healthy pregnancy weight gain," but it was okay because my almost 5'7" athletic frame started the pregnancy at about 103 lbs. Induced because her heart rate dropped while being monitored, it turned out her umbilical cord was too short, and yet she still scored a perfect 10 on the Apgar. The first or one of very few the midwife had ever given. She was shocked considering. So basically after my daughter had the heart stopping thrill of bungee-ing out of me she scored a 10 on the Apgar. That's just how we role in this family.
Those are just a touch of the peculiarities of my pregnancy I was reminded of as I am listen to my poor husband puking his guts out the way I did 6 times that first night I found out I was pregnant when he was out of town. And as I think of this and my mind then wanders on to so many details of our life together, our children, etc, I am struck by just how little we ever get to share or know of the back stories that are so very influential to our lives.
Back stories; we know so little of each other.
And another story I want to share, as I am attempting to achieve that sleep deprived feeling -but I think it best to post is as it's own post.
Which may make these posts appear to be evolving into magnificent mania and surely this is mimicking the start, but so far I am not feeling the push back or high feelings so hopefully after EEG is completed and the systems are medicated again we will not cross over. (we being all of the me's ... and I am reminded of: "but my personality is still changing too much" I pleaded the day he dropped me unexpectedly).
Bright eyed and bushy tailed ...at 3am
Sleep deprived
I will definitely be that.
My daughter is who I am having come with
to be sure I can safely make the long drive (she is a driver now so she can take over if I can not)
and be the extra set of ears.
She loves biology and is thinking about going into medicine.
Seemed like an okay choice
But I am not sleeping.
I have a bit
-a bit-
but my whole right leg is hurting
since physical therapy on Friday
that triggered a pretty severe pain in the appendix region... that still hurts
and my right leg feels week and sore.
my back
the part that has the bulging disc has been acting up
and it is a bit sore but not like the appendix region
maybe it is appendicitis ?
I am tired. I feel even a bit nauseous
is it appendicitis or is it tired?
my brain is bothered
it seems like he knew stuff about this and the possible tie to head injury
He who broke me and worried only about saving himself?
Why head, why?
The repeat starts
of words and phrases, feelings and figurings...
What was real? what was perceived?
But I know, as I have a million times, but wanted to deny to myself and everyone,
that he had played with me... when he should not have.
Grooming of some form or another
the fire he played in and then tried to let die...
Intentional? Accidental?
Was I the first or the last in a long line of many? Somewhere in between?
He played
"don't try to solve this"
"I told you not to try and solve this"
"I have tested your brain in ways you don't even know"
"What we have had is a beautiful thing and I would not want to fuck that up"
"I don't need more friends"
"I meant everything that I said"
.... repeats
that started right away
-my fight or flight-
the natural reaction to a threat
...a threat
punished for loving
the threat?
and I am
so delicately balanced.
my whole right leg is weak
Maybe I should text my dad. he rises early. he could take me
my children should not have to shoulder this burden
this burden that I am
but my dad...
My family
they do not understand and they do not want to.
they want to maintain there illusions that doctors are...
godlike?
Dr She, literally my hero, because without her intervention... I can't say where I would be
...faded and fading when I got to her.
Dr. She is not a fan of Dr. He
I understand why now.
At first when I went to her I still loved him in a silly childish and manic fed way. I still held onto what I wanted to believe: that he meant no harm, he made mistakes, and if only I could clarify and fix my mistakes he would come to his senses and fix, or -at very least- play fair.
Dr. She does not care about his motives they way I do. She cares about how it has effected me. Dr. She may or may not think I am worth standing up for and fighting for, but she does her job and feels responsibility for my safety and wellbeing... she says he is an idiot and at best was negligent at worst was malicious.
Dr. She wants me to be able to look back on Dr. He and roll my eyes.
She lets me talk about him still, when I need to, because I am making progress in processing and handling the trauma
and I am being responsible.
Talking to her is not "governing myself accordingly" based on the commands of the Institute's lawyer, because they do not want me talking to his colleagues.
Their demands and commands are not right. They are unjust and unconstitutional and their accusations false.
Delicately balanced it is
Reckless endangerment.
Viktor Frankl is who I become now
Not literally, but figuratively
or rather like him
in that to survive this incredibly delicate balancing act
-of psychology, really-
I observe myself and my psychology with the mind of a scientist.
a slight form of detachment probably
when I am so very attached
and I remember that earlier today
I like me even if others do not
and I have people that are supportive and that are looking out for me in their own playing-it-safe kind of ways.
I am loved and I am appreciated
...even if, at times, it is only by myself and God.
I like me
because I am tenacious
and forgiving
I try
I make mistakes
I take responsibility for my mistakes
I love
I play
I find and make adventures
I have met some of the most amazing and incredible people and I am so very lucky to have and to have had the acquaintances I have.
Life is a beautiful thing
and I love it and appreciate it
even when I don't -a place that I am so grateful I am no longer in.
So delicate balance for a day.
might make a mess of the holidays
but I'll recover
and find my adventures again.
...now
I sure hope that I will at least feel as sleep deprived as I will be at 10am
Goodnight again
... though I doubt I'll sleep
I am WIDE awake
hopefully ibuprofen will relax things enough..
ha
literally the lol variety-
a ha-ol
... big yawn as I proof read
-this is hope :)
goodnight
I will definitely be that.
My daughter is who I am having come with
to be sure I can safely make the long drive (she is a driver now so she can take over if I can not)
and be the extra set of ears.
She loves biology and is thinking about going into medicine.
Seemed like an okay choice
But I am not sleeping.
I have a bit
-a bit-
but my whole right leg is hurting
since physical therapy on Friday
that triggered a pretty severe pain in the appendix region... that still hurts
and my right leg feels week and sore.
my back
the part that has the bulging disc has been acting up
and it is a bit sore but not like the appendix region
maybe it is appendicitis ?
I am tired. I feel even a bit nauseous
is it appendicitis or is it tired?
my brain is bothered
it seems like he knew stuff about this and the possible tie to head injury
He who broke me and worried only about saving himself?
Why head, why?
The repeat starts
of words and phrases, feelings and figurings...
What was real? what was perceived?
But I know, as I have a million times, but wanted to deny to myself and everyone,
that he had played with me... when he should not have.
Grooming of some form or another
the fire he played in and then tried to let die...
Intentional? Accidental?
Was I the first or the last in a long line of many? Somewhere in between?
He played
"don't try to solve this"
"I told you not to try and solve this"
"I have tested your brain in ways you don't even know"
"What we have had is a beautiful thing and I would not want to fuck that up"
"I don't need more friends"
"I meant everything that I said"
.... repeats
that started right away
-my fight or flight-
the natural reaction to a threat
...a threat
punished for loving
the threat?
and I am
so delicately balanced.
my whole right leg is weak
Maybe I should text my dad. he rises early. he could take me
my children should not have to shoulder this burden
this burden that I am
but my dad...
My family
they do not understand and they do not want to.
they want to maintain there illusions that doctors are...
godlike?
Dr She, literally my hero, because without her intervention... I can't say where I would be
...faded and fading when I got to her.
Dr. She is not a fan of Dr. He
I understand why now.
At first when I went to her I still loved him in a silly childish and manic fed way. I still held onto what I wanted to believe: that he meant no harm, he made mistakes, and if only I could clarify and fix my mistakes he would come to his senses and fix, or -at very least- play fair.
Dr. She does not care about his motives they way I do. She cares about how it has effected me. Dr. She may or may not think I am worth standing up for and fighting for, but she does her job and feels responsibility for my safety and wellbeing... she says he is an idiot and at best was negligent at worst was malicious.
Dr. She wants me to be able to look back on Dr. He and roll my eyes.
She lets me talk about him still, when I need to, because I am making progress in processing and handling the trauma
and I am being responsible.
Talking to her is not "governing myself accordingly" based on the commands of the Institute's lawyer, because they do not want me talking to his colleagues.
Their demands and commands are not right. They are unjust and unconstitutional and their accusations false.
Delicately balanced it is
Reckless endangerment.
Viktor Frankl is who I become now
Not literally, but figuratively
or rather like him
in that to survive this incredibly delicate balancing act
-of psychology, really-
I observe myself and my psychology with the mind of a scientist.
a slight form of detachment probably
when I am so very attached
and I remember that earlier today
I like me even if others do not
and I have people that are supportive and that are looking out for me in their own playing-it-safe kind of ways.
I am loved and I am appreciated
...even if, at times, it is only by myself and God.
I like me
because I am tenacious
and forgiving
I try
I make mistakes
I take responsibility for my mistakes
I love
I play
I find and make adventures
I have met some of the most amazing and incredible people and I am so very lucky to have and to have had the acquaintances I have.
Life is a beautiful thing
and I love it and appreciate it
even when I don't -a place that I am so grateful I am no longer in.
So delicate balance for a day.
might make a mess of the holidays
but I'll recover
and find my adventures again.
...now
I sure hope that I will at least feel as sleep deprived as I will be at 10am
Goodnight again
... though I doubt I'll sleep
I am WIDE awake
hopefully ibuprofen will relax things enough..
ha
literally the lol variety-
a ha-ol
... big yawn as I proof read
-this is hope :)
goodnight
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