...Not so Alone? in Yet Another of my Trials?

The thing about Dr. He is that he is easily lovable. It is not surprising that he has ancestors from India and that he thought I saw him "as some sort of guru." His voice is soothing and even hypnotic. He seems to put other first. He is knowledgable and somewhat philosophical and he even knows how to use Jedi mind tricks. He is good at connecting with people, he told me so. He is careful with his words and thinks before he speaks.
He has a sense of humor, an accent, and he calls people "mate."
I have seen how eyes light up when they see him. I have heard the voice tones that are used.
He is well loved and easily believed.
I was not alone in my desire to protect him.
which is why it baffles me so very much that he had no interest in protecting me. That he refused to see what I so desperately needed him to see... my bipolarity; I was too high, I wasn't quite me, and really thinking and speaking a bit irrationally.
It hurts so much worse than it would if he were as arrogant as so many doctors come off.
Maybe I really did not see through his mask; although I do know that his oh-so-subtle sarcasm suggested some ego and he expected me to obey his commands.
...Yet as I reflect I find myself knowing it is very unlikely I am the only patient to fall for this man.
Is this simply how he handles it?
Has it worked in the past?
Does he honestly not know how irresponsible the way he dropped me and the things he said really are, especially if he really does not mean it, especially leaving a patient high and dry not hearing what they have to say because they are simply another client who has fallen for him?
He denied countertransference. He denied mania. He denied that he lost objectivity. He would not allow for clarification and denied making any mistakes. When asked by Dr. Concussion, in the medical records, he makes it sound as if I was pursuing him, there was no concern for my wellbeing. How foolish to think an intelligent person would think that would be the way to win a person over. That's crazy and I was-but not stupid- and I was telling them so, but that they denied, so how they have twisted should be transparent... except that he is a charmer.
He needs some training.
Or he needs to be caught.
I am certain I am stronger than others.
I fear how they have faired
I maybe was more confusing, more buried and broken, and maybe much more alone... but certainly stronger, I likely have far more years of buried experience with TBI then most he has known...

My friend says, "the wounded wound others"
Is that he? and yet that does not make sense to me, he is so immensely adored.
And that I don't want to be me... the wounded wounding others...
So I am baffled.
and I am concerned.
I am hurt.
I am discredited and disrespected by such a respected and well adored man...Knowing that I am hardly alone in my warped abandoned adoration.
Am I delusional about that?
And he has people so charmed and charms so easily... I know, in reality, I stand no chance standing up for myself since he is where this whole mess started... Why would he treat me so badly? He knows that I don't stand a chance...
All were and will be easily convinced that I am whatever he portrays me to be.

If I am not careful these thoughts will bring back with a vengeance the "let it burn out" and "have nothing to do with you" and I will start believing again that I must be bad, unsalvageable, and that I deserve to burn out. Completely.

I suppose if you find this blog and you find you feel anything similar or have had any experience similar, please, oh please reach out to me, and I will stand up for you too.

Neuroplasticity and the Path of Most Resistance

A desert giant... maybe it's a monster

Last night I was thinking about the "what to do about it." I am so torn on how to handle where I am at in life because some very real injustices occurred and I have some who are almost pleading with me to stay strong, fight hard, and let my voice be heard so I can help others and help bring about real and actual positive changes in the industry while others still want me to "just let it go."
I don't want to go the whole "legal" route with the Neuroscience Institute. I never wanted to. Yet they would not listen because I wasn't. I tried to follow their rules and requests when they were not actually trying to help me and possibly even keeping me in a mentally fragile place intentionally in order to keep me from standing up for myself and being heard.
It is too weird and not ethical or fair but it seems in the world of psychologists and medical providers the term "ethical" is a term that they own and get to throw around however they like in order to benefit and protect themselves. It does not seem to matter what is actually ethical for me.
Any way you shake it, if "ethical" is a term meant to protect me, than this certainly did not happen....
and I did not come on here to write about this...
I will try to redirect back to my point, I was considering what to do. I do not want to be the bizarre creature they made me out to be and that I would rather not turn into. So last night I took to reading the very old stuff on this here blog; the stuff that I had forgotten about to see if it could offer me guidance.
If you don't know, I had forgotten completely about this blog until I was broken open and broken apart in therapy last November. I honestly had buried so much of me, or the air bag knocked more of my memories out than I realized, that it was an interesting moment when this blog came back to my recollection. Yesterday as I was reading I found that I had forgotten so much more than I even realized I had in that bizarre moment of recollection last November.
... I am kind of messed up...
But I am also very much not.
I am happy most of the time and I find magic all around me. I love life and the sensations that come with it. I am happy that my strength and stability are returning now in reality; not the false start of the buried me that jumped the gun with a manic burst and was then left untreated for far too long.
I have been on the extreme southern side of my state watching a niece and 3 nephews for the past two weeks. (with the exception of the TBI conference I went north for).  It is such a beautiful area with so many places I love to explore but have not had time to with the childcare gig consuming most of it.
This morning I took my niece to school and since my mother-in-law is also here I was able to take a moment to indulge in my surroundings. 

There was a neat little arboretum trail along the way. I decided to stop and walk it before returning to kids. I met a man who asked "is this real lava?" Apparently New Jersey does not have ancient lava flow beds. I got chatting with a lovely lady from New York for a bit. Then I turned off the pavement to enjoy the actual nature arboretum trail. It was beautiful and I enjoyed reading the names of the marked plants and learning if they were native or not. As I walked and embraced the allure of the area I found my trail had run out. But I did not turn back, I just kept on walking -as I so often do when I am intrigued and captivated by my surroundings.
It felt good on my ankle as the terrain gradually toughened and I had to work just a bit harder.  I earned a few scratches -my marks of adventure- for taking the path of most resistance.
Life is an adventure meant to be loved and I am loving my tiny moments. It is a part of me that people do not seem to see and it's too bad they are missing the magic.

I love Joshua Trees, they are so interesting.

This funky desert design is surprisingly not native.

Thinking it a peculiar place for a desert spring, I had to explore when I saw the water and heard the trickle. Instead of a spring I found a sprinkler fed patch of quicksand. Shoes clean up easily so it still made me smile.  

Random Ramblings.. Live Big, Bold, Brave!

A man tells me, "you didn't want to talk to me" because I walked by without acknowledging him. I am not sure if that is true, that I didn't want to talk to him. I think more than anything that is how I hide. In plain sight.
I hide and have hidden in plain sight a lot in my life.

My left hand has been especially shaky lately and I am not sure why, but it bothers me. I am not sure if I should pursue getting into a neurologist more seriously or just forget about it and keep living my life. I still think it is related to the car accident because it did not do that before....

At the conference I attended I picked up a DVD from the previous year. My dear one-sided friend Dr. He is on it. I decided to watch his session last night. I wanted to see him out of the context I knew him in. I wanted to see him and feel nothing, to see him for what he is and not what my manic messed up brain turned him into... I thought it might help me feel closure also, knowing that I am not attached anymore and hoping that I would see that what happened was nothing more than the therapeutic relationship gone awry...
It did not work...
I saw him in therapy and I saw him in the video. I see through the mask and I pick up on his subtle humor and playful nature. I admire how he carries and presents himself. His calm demeanor and his voice are so soothing even when my heart is breaking... I still adore him... it’s warped, I think... It breaks me. It's broken my kids and my husband... and I still adore him?
Though I wanted to hear what he had to say (because it actually does apply to me) I had to turn it off
and I will not likely watch it again. Ever.
It is painful.
And it has been unfair.
It has been so very wrong entirely at my expense.
and yet I still love him and want the best for him.
I don't want to hurt him...
How do I stand up for myself and speak out against the wrongs and what they unjustifiably turned me into without hurting him?
Maybe I do let myself be sacrificed. Maybe the industry is doing fine and it is just me. ...
sigh... heavy and light at the same time.
Redirect
Live Big, Live Bold, Live Brave
those are the thoughts I am having to fill the void. Reckless was what I thought before brave, because sometimes I am a bit reckless in my trusting people.
Like the man who tried to kiss me.
I stayed and talked with him still longer than most would dare, because I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt and not be offended, because it was more important to me that he know he is not a bad person. I do not think he needed to be shamed or shunned. I did not let him kiss me and he respected that. I had no interest and I told him so. He tried to convince me that I did, I held my ground and explained. I appreciate that he listened and respected me enough to realize I was being truthful. He asked me what I would have done if that one man I mentioned prior had tried to, I told him I am certain I would not have let him either. That is just how I work. As a married woman I am not interested in crossing that boundary. I do not find my value there... I am kind of glad this man tried because it helped me know my strength and integrity that has been questioned and wrongly portrayed and perceived by the Neuroscience Institute.
I can say with certainty that I am just not that kind of girl and I genuinely was just trying to figure out what was going on with my head and why. I speculate the manic break was TBI/mTBI related more than Dr. He related because I just don't think he has that much power, I didn't allow him that much power over me. I reacted too big and that is what I kept trying to show him... I do not understand why he would not see me, why he would not talk to me about it, unless I have that much power over him; which I do not think I do. I think it was most likely the perfect storm, and they responded with immaturity and paranoia, ignorance, arrogance and disrespect -from him and the entire facility...
Now what do I do about that?

Live Big, Live Bold, Live Brave... Not reckless...
One of my friends says she misses this me. She likes to hear it returning. When I talk about using my weird crazy experiences to help others she likes that, she says that sounds more like me.
Embarrassment, insecurity, hiding... Maybe I can be done with those now and get back to my big, bold, brave living,
but only
I think I will live bigger
bolder and
braver
because I love
and I feel so intensely.
and I am a very fascinating person
just like everyone else
:)

...and I just don't think anything can ever break me so much as this has.
Big, bold, brave,
I've got it in me and it's time to let it free

The Unfair Fight

Yesterday I went to the Brain Injury Alliance Conference.
It was refreshing and painful.
What was refreshing was talking to survivors. It is interesting to see the levels of severity, the diversity and the similarities. It  was refreshing to talk to and hear stories and to hear the similarities. It was fun and fascinating to hear how many similarities we have that others think they understand or relate to but just don't quite get.
TBI cracks you open.
TBI makes it difficult to articulate.
and a common complaint, "but you look fine."
Yep.
What was painful was realizing just how much I have hidden myself over the years and how much I have been misunderstood, discredited and my symptoms downplayed or overlooked. It was painful to once again have to face just how alone I really have been in my journey.
But with that pain I also realized just how much I have accomplished, and how far I have come. I really can be proud of myself. I realized that I have accomplished significant things comparable to what these doctors have accomplished, and some of it I legitimately understand better then the doctors.
Their research confirms and validates me.
What I also found interesting is just how delusional, arrogant, and ignorant the professionals can be in their ego's.
I am going to criticize here.
I talked with a well known neuropsychologist while I was there. She is a beautiful and well poised little thing. She is intelligent and has obviously done well. She works specifically with people who have concussions and TBI and has developed an entire rehabilitation program that is unique and well marketed.
I wanted to know if she knew anything about the Neuroscience Institute. She did not recognize the name so she asked me who my doctors had been. I told here. She personally knows Dr. He, my ex-neuropsychologist. Now this is where the conversation gets tricky, though I will admit she came off a bit arrogant from the get go, but then she turned real arrogant and defensive using her status and profession and that bullshit claim of "ethics" in her attempt to avoid conversation.
In her defense it was unexpected, it would have been confusing, and if the situation were reversed I can't say I would handle it any better (*note added 5/14/2022- I had to deeply entrenched a habit of debasing myself while simultaneously giving too much credit to others. I would have handled it better and I have demonstrated that many times).
But... and there is that but,
what was most interesting was that she tried to tell me she wasn't my therapist and she really wouldn't or couldn't be because of the conflict of interest.
This part of the conversation was interesting because obviously I was not asking her to be AND how ignorant and presumptuous to assume that is what I was looking for or that I even needed that.
I do not need another artificial environment to try and "work through" these issues.  I need reality.
Ultimately I apologized to her for making her uncomfortable and I tried to explain, even though she did not want to hear it, and likely did not, as I tried to explain that it was a difficult situation that I simply don't know how to handle and their is still a part of me that just wishes to understand what was going on with him and why because I really don't want to hurt him. She could care less about anything I had to say and was rude and harsh.
And the comic irony of it is that is probably the reality I needed to see.
This lady who has so much experience and expertise with TBI being so offended, rude and harsh to a TBI survivor at a TBI conference, for behaving like someone who has had a TBI and also been treated badly by her people in her industry.
TBI effects filters
and boundaries
We seek for clarification by asking questions
We are often accused of being too honest,
too blunt.
We are emotional and feel things more deeply.
We have to fight to survive.
Depression and suicidal thoughts are common
...so many things
and might I mention that the ethics of this situation were obviously so warped and I had been treated so poorly with no resources to help, that this boundary violation of mine with this lady at this conference is equivalent to stepping on a sidewalk crack.
This beautiful lady, could not seem to realize that obviously therapy was not even in the vicinity of what I was asking of her and she also could not control her own defensive unprofessional emotions even in an environment where a conversation like this, bold, too honest, and confusing, could be expected, since it really comes with the territory. She lacked empathy and she could not seem to understand what I was asking or why.
I am left reflecting and feeling like there is a lot of fraud in this industry.
But in it, in the reality of my willingness to make an ass of myself for any kind of understanding and closure, it has also helped me see more clearly the arrogance, ego and ignorance of the Neuroscience Institute more clearly as I got a glimpse of the reality of the professionals in real life and real time when I was not manic and so very broken and still foolishly trusting them, the experts and my providers. She was not and has not been my provider but in her taking that approach of acting like I was asking for that I suppose, for a moment, she provided a transference scenario for me that helped me to see better who the people at the Neuroscience Institute really are.
So maybe I am harsh here and I am criticizing. I realize this may negate my apology but upon reflection -and touch of chastisement from a fellow TBI survivor who pointed out that, by apologizing, I was  (at least partly) approval seeking and trying too hard with a person that didn't care and was being a jerk- I think I am okay with that. I am okay negating my apology because these things need to be talked about and addressed and it is too bad if it makes people uncomfortable. I know, because it makes me and has made me very uncomfortable for many months now; especially since it has kept me neglected and it has had very real effects and consequences on my treatment that are not fair. So maybe I was not fair to her, but there in lies the problem with people not accepting responsibility for their actions, especially people in positions of power, and the problem with allowing the perceived week and vulnerable to be the scape goat; the ripple effect brings not fair to far more than it needs to.

I have very literally been fighting for my life and I am not done fighting.
I am improving. I may soon be able to let this go and switch from fighting to doing, I feel that change coming and happening. I am letting go the more I see the reality of their delusions that I threaten. The hard part now is deciding if I should allow them to continue in their delusions or if I should fight that because they are causing harm...

Hurt

A brief synopsis of what happened. That is what I am supposed to be writing.
Attempting again... not sure what to include, where to start where to end...
"I don't want to write this" I hear myself saying heavy head in hands. It is too hard and too painful.
"I don't want to live this" are the words that find their way out of me next.
It hurts so bad
and it is so confusing
It didn't need to be
at least for me.
would it have been for him
if he would have listened?
If he would have had my best interest at the forefront?
Why am I bad?
I don't understand

To care or not to care, that is the question

so... I care.
I'm not so good at not giving a shit. That feeling never does last that long.
Now what to do about it?
This confusion is confusing
why me and why then?
I have felt answers and been given signs
some will write it all off
many will write me off
but I can't really write myself off (well actually I can but I am pretty resolved not to)
and I don't think I can write all the signs off either.
Well I can
but why would I
and especially when their is such a stupid and confusing identity crises that follows the type of breaking that I am privy too.
sigh
life
such a grand adventure
and so tricky to balance
especially when we all have it so damn easy
in all of our luxuries.
As humans
I believe
we are meant to struggle
and I believe it because:
that seems to be when growth happens
it seems to be where people find the most joy and satisfaction
without it, nothing happens
and
when people aren't, they create their own.
So we are given struggles
and if we are not
Then it is time to choose wisely
because like it or not, there is a higher power
and forever is for real

blah blah blog

Sometimes I wonder about things I post. I wonder if I should take them down. I wonder how people will interpret them and I wonder how they will judge or perceive me.
I wonder these things because what I share on here is not likely how I am perceived in real life and I expose a whole lot of vulnerabilities that I do not wear nearly as visibly in real time and I do not feel at all times. Part of that is because I am continually working through them, choosing to process and keep moving forward instead of packing away to destroy future days or allowing it to run rampant in the rumination that comes with the territory of my mental ailments.
At least that is what I think.
Who knows.
I do try to be transparent and I am regularly accused of /complemented for being "real."
I also am very honest.
Sometimes to a fault.
Lately I have been coming in too hot and I scare people away even more than normal.
People don't quite know what to do with me or how to take me. It is much easier and safer to just write me off, keep a safe distance, etc.
I get it.
And still I don't.
Mostly I am okay with it, but sometimes it hurts real deep.
I have thought on occasion that I might be like emotional pornography to people. They love to see vulnerabilities so easily exposed and they will embrace it for a moment with me, exposing their vulnerabilities, claiming it is "refreshing" but then the distance they are sure to maintain suggests that they are not so keen to embrace me openly into their circles in real life. I am their vulnerable little secret friend. Depending on just how much they feel I picked up on they may or may not want to talk to me again and they behave as if I am shameful.
Sometimes I have had what I thought were good friends suddenly stop associating with me, or slowly but obviously intentionally stop associating. It has confused me and hurt as I feel they have decided something about me and with out talking to me about it they just want to write me off. Since I have had the tendency to accept too much responsibility and/or blame myself too heavily I think I have maybe downplayed some of those peoples darker secrets that I so very often stumble across.

But, with the exception of my husband, and sometimes not even him, I don't really share that information unless their is a good reason and rarely with anyone that has ties to the person. I don't feel it is my place and I rarely judge as harshly as they may expect/wish me too.  So normally, in the real world, I don't share intimate or exposing information about others with anyone but my husband. ...Who I share everything with and tell everything too, so much so that he had figured out even before I had that I had developed feelings for my therapist... So then you can only imagine all that I told him after that all fell apart, considering the intensity of my emotions, and my deductive reasoning at the time that led me to the conclusion that likely part of the transference issue stemmed directly from our own relationship issues.
...It is a bit infuriating to me that I was able to look at things so reasonably and objectively and understand so well the psychology of the situation when I was not sleeping, had lost 10 pounds in two weeks, had tons of extra energy, was getting messages from spirit animals and other phenomenon that I can't explain, had flooding memories, heightened senses, chemicals surging that I could feel, a heart that was physically hurting and inhibitions lost, yet my therapist could not?
I risk rambling off track here.
My point was, I share far too much on this blog and I question it because it is not the entirety of me and I wonder if it is wise...
But I also feel somewhat strongly that leaving this thing up, exposing all that I have, documenting my thought processing could potentially help the damned industry of blasphemy if they would listen. Maybe could help others who feel but also hide. Maybe modeling my thinking can help others improve theirs, by good example or by bad.
Maybe me leaving it will increasingly help me to embrace all my parts and help me as I continue on my journey to evolve and improve...
I don't know.
Whatever.
I do feel my writing is loosing its zest. My menial mortal mind is far less interesting and not so free with its creative and artistic liberties.
Again... Who knows
and sometimes
I just don't even give a shit anyway.
which ironically
is kind of nice to feel
So whatever,
I am leaving my blah, blah, blog shit up, because I just don't really give one about what people think of me right now anyway,
maybe because I am realizing just how shitty people really are.
We claim to be so good and to want to help
but when it comes right down to it, very few of us will stop and help
Very few of us are really good Samaritans.
And maybe I am just as shitty as every Levite and arrogant, egocentric person that passes
Maybe I am too damn focused on me in reality
... I am going off and wandering too far...
When right now I really don't want to give a shit and I want to embrace this while it lasts...