Yesterday I went to the Brain Injury Alliance Conference.
It was refreshing and painful.
What was refreshing was talking to survivors. It is interesting to see the levels of severity, the diversity and the similarities. It was refreshing to talk to and hear stories and to hear the similarities. It was fun and fascinating to hear how many similarities we have that others think they understand or relate to but just don't quite get.
TBI cracks you open.
TBI makes it difficult to articulate.
and a common complaint, "but you look fine."
Yep.
What was painful was realizing just how much I have hidden myself over the years and how much I have been misunderstood, discredited and my symptoms downplayed or overlooked. It was painful to once again have to face just how alone I really have been in my journey.
But with that pain I also realized just how much I have accomplished, and how far I have come. I really can be proud of myself. I realized that I have accomplished significant things comparable to what these doctors have accomplished, and some of it I legitimately understand better then the doctors.
Their research confirms and validates me.
What I also found interesting is just how delusional, arrogant, and ignorant the professionals can be in their ego's.
I am going to criticize here.
I talked with a well known neuropsychologist while I was there. She is a beautiful and well poised little thing. She is intelligent and has obviously done well. She works specifically with people who have concussions and TBI and has developed an entire rehabilitation program that is unique and well marketed.
I wanted to know if she knew anything about the Neuroscience Institute. She did not recognize the name so she asked me who my doctors had been. I told here. She personally knows Dr. He, my ex-neuropsychologist. Now this is where the conversation gets tricky, though I will admit she came off a bit arrogant from the get go, but then she turned real arrogant and defensive using her status and profession and that bullshit claim of "ethics" in her attempt to avoid conversation.
In her defense it was unexpected, it would have been confusing, and if the situation were reversed I can't say I would handle it any better (*note added 5/14/2022- I had to deeply entrenched a habit of debasing myself while simultaneously giving too much credit to others. I would have handled it better and I have demonstrated that many times).
But... and there is that but,
what was most interesting was that she tried to tell me she wasn't my therapist and she really wouldn't or couldn't be because of the conflict of interest.
This part of the conversation was interesting because obviously I was not asking her to be AND how ignorant and presumptuous to assume that is what I was looking for or that I even needed that.
I do not need another artificial environment to try and "work through" these issues. I need reality.
Ultimately I apologized to her for making her uncomfortable and I tried to explain, even though she did not want to hear it, and likely did not, as I tried to explain that it was a difficult situation that I simply don't know how to handle and their is still a part of me that just wishes to understand what was going on with him and why because I really don't want to hurt him. She could care less about anything I had to say and was rude and harsh.
And the comic irony of it is that is probably the reality I needed to see.
This lady who has so much experience and expertise with TBI being so offended, rude and harsh to a TBI survivor at a TBI conference, for behaving like someone who has had a TBI and also been treated badly by her people in her industry.
TBI effects filters
and boundaries
We seek for clarification by asking questions
We are often accused of being too honest,
too blunt.
We are emotional and feel things more deeply.
We have to fight to survive.
Depression and suicidal thoughts are common
...so many things
and might I mention that the ethics of this situation were obviously so warped and I had been treated so poorly with no resources to help, that this boundary violation of mine with this lady at this conference is equivalent to stepping on a sidewalk crack.
This beautiful lady, could not seem to realize that obviously therapy was not even in the vicinity of what I was asking of her and she also could not control her own defensive unprofessional emotions even in an environment where a conversation like this, bold, too honest, and confusing, could be expected, since it really comes with the territory. She lacked empathy and she could not seem to understand what I was asking or why.
I am left reflecting and feeling like there is a lot of fraud in this industry.
But in it, in the reality of my willingness to make an ass of myself for any kind of understanding and closure, it has also helped me see more clearly the arrogance, ego and ignorance of the Neuroscience Institute more clearly as I got a glimpse of the reality of the professionals in real life and real time when I was not manic and so very broken and still foolishly trusting them, the experts and my providers. She was not and has not been my provider but in her taking that approach of acting like I was asking for that I suppose, for a moment, she provided a transference scenario for me that helped me to see better who the people at the Neuroscience Institute really are.
So maybe I am harsh here and I am criticizing. I realize this may negate my apology but upon reflection -and touch of chastisement from a fellow TBI survivor who pointed out that, by apologizing, I was (at least partly) approval seeking and trying too hard with a person that didn't care and was being a jerk- I think I am okay with that. I am okay negating my apology because these things need to be talked about and addressed and it is too bad if it makes people uncomfortable. I know, because it makes me and has made me very uncomfortable for many months now; especially since it has kept me neglected and it has had very real effects and consequences on my treatment that are not fair. So maybe I was not fair to her, but there in lies the problem with people not accepting responsibility for their actions, especially people in positions of power, and the problem with allowing the perceived week and vulnerable to be the scape goat; the ripple effect brings not fair to far more than it needs to.
I have very literally been fighting for my life and I am not done fighting.
I am improving. I may soon be able to let this go and switch from fighting to doing, I feel that change coming and happening. I am letting go the more I see the reality of their delusions that I threaten. The hard part now is deciding if I should allow them to continue in their delusions or if I should fight that because they are causing harm...
TBI, bipolar, transference, countertransference, psychology, medical and psychological malpractice, misconceptions about "mental illnesses," successful mental health practices and being called an "outlier" and "an anomaly" by the "experts" for handling all of this so well while simultaneously being discriminated against for it- You can read about all of that and more on this here blog
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Saturday, October 12, 2019
Sunday, October 6, 2019
Hurt
A brief synopsis of what happened. That is what I am supposed to be writing.
Attempting again... not sure what to include, where to start where to end...
"I don't want to write this" I hear myself saying heavy head in hands. It is too hard and too painful.
"I don't want to live this" are the words that find their way out of me next.
It hurts so bad
and it is so confusing
It didn't need to be
at least for me.
would it have been for him
if he would have listened?
If he would have had my best interest at the forefront?
Why am I bad?
I don't understand
Attempting again... not sure what to include, where to start where to end...
"I don't want to write this" I hear myself saying heavy head in hands. It is too hard and too painful.
"I don't want to live this" are the words that find their way out of me next.
It hurts so bad
and it is so confusing
It didn't need to be
at least for me.
would it have been for him
if he would have listened?
If he would have had my best interest at the forefront?
Why am I bad?
I don't understand
To care or not to care, that is the question
so... I care.
I'm not so good at not giving a shit. That feeling never does last that long.
Now what to do about it?
This confusion is confusing
why me and why then?
I have felt answers and been given signs
some will write it all off
many will write me off
but I can't really write myself off (well actually I can but I am pretty resolved not to)
and I don't think I can write all the signs off either.
Well I can
but why would I
and especially when their is such a stupid and confusing identity crises that follows the type of breaking that I am privy too.
sigh
life
such a grand adventure
and so tricky to balance
especially when we all have it so damn easy
in all of our luxuries.
As humans
I believe
we are meant to struggle
and I believe it because:
that seems to be when growth happens
it seems to be where people find the most joy and satisfaction
without it, nothing happens
and
when people aren't, they create their own.
So we are given struggles
and if we are not
Then it is time to choose wisely
because like it or not, there is a higher power
and forever is for real
I'm not so good at not giving a shit. That feeling never does last that long.
Now what to do about it?
This confusion is confusing
why me and why then?
I have felt answers and been given signs
some will write it all off
many will write me off
but I can't really write myself off (well actually I can but I am pretty resolved not to)
and I don't think I can write all the signs off either.
Well I can
but why would I
and especially when their is such a stupid and confusing identity crises that follows the type of breaking that I am privy too.
sigh
life
such a grand adventure
and so tricky to balance
especially when we all have it so damn easy
in all of our luxuries.
As humans
I believe
we are meant to struggle
and I believe it because:
that seems to be when growth happens
it seems to be where people find the most joy and satisfaction
without it, nothing happens
and
when people aren't, they create their own.
So we are given struggles
and if we are not
Then it is time to choose wisely
because like it or not, there is a higher power
and forever is for real
Saturday, October 5, 2019
blah blah blog
Sometimes I wonder about things I post. I wonder if I should take them down. I wonder how people will interpret them and I wonder how they will judge or perceive me.
I wonder these things because what I share on here is not likely how I am perceived in real life and I expose a whole lot of vulnerabilities that I do not wear nearly as visibly in real time and I do not feel at all times. Part of that is because I am continually working through them, choosing to process and keep moving forward instead of packing away to destroy future days or allowing it to run rampant in the rumination that comes with the territory of my mental ailments.
At least that is what I think.
Who knows.
I do try to be transparent and I am regularly accused of /complemented for being "real."
I also am very honest.
Sometimes to a fault.
Lately I have been coming in too hot and I scare people away even more than normal.
People don't quite know what to do with me or how to take me. It is much easier and safer to just write me off, keep a safe distance, etc.
I get it.
And still I don't.
Mostly I am okay with it, but sometimes it hurts real deep.
I have thought on occasion that I might be like emotional pornography to people. They love to see vulnerabilities so easily exposed and they will embrace it for a moment with me, exposing their vulnerabilities, claiming it is "refreshing" but then the distance they are sure to maintain suggests that they are not so keen to embrace me openly into their circles in real life. I am their vulnerable little secret friend. Depending on just how much they feel I picked up on they may or may not want to talk to me again and they behave as if I am shameful.
Sometimes I have had what I thought were good friends suddenly stop associating with me, or slowly but obviously intentionally stop associating. It has confused me and hurt as I feel they have decided something about me and with out talking to me about it they just want to write me off. Since I have had the tendency to accept too much responsibility and/or blame myself too heavily I think I have maybe downplayed some of those peoples darker secrets that I so very often stumble across.
But, with the exception of my husband, and sometimes not even him, I don't really share that information unless their is a good reason and rarely with anyone that has ties to the person. I don't feel it is my place and I rarely judge as harshly as they may expect/wish me too. So normally, in the real world, I don't share intimate or exposing information about others with anyone but my husband. ...Who I share everything with and tell everything too, so much so that he had figured out even before I had that I had developed feelings for my therapist... So then you can only imagine all that I told him after that all fell apart, considering the intensity of my emotions, and my deductive reasoning at the time that led me to the conclusion that likely part of the transference issue stemmed directly from our own relationship issues.
...It is a bit infuriating to me that I was able to look at things so reasonably and objectively and understand so well the psychology of the situation when I was not sleeping, had lost 10 pounds in two weeks, had tons of extra energy, was getting messages from spirit animals and other phenomenon that I can't explain, had flooding memories, heightened senses, chemicals surging that I could feel, a heart that was physically hurting and inhibitions lost, yet my therapist could not?
I risk rambling off track here.
My point was, I share far too much on this blog and I question it because it is not the entirety of me and I wonder if it is wise...
But I also feel somewhat strongly that leaving this thing up, exposing all that I have, documenting my thought processing could potentially help the damned industry of blasphemy if they would listen. Maybe could help others who feel but also hide. Maybe modeling my thinking can help others improve theirs, by good example or by bad.
Maybe me leaving it will increasingly help me to embrace all my parts and help me as I continue on my journey to evolve and improve...
I don't know.
Whatever.
I do feel my writing is loosing its zest. My menial mortal mind is far less interesting and not so free with its creative and artistic liberties.
Again... Who knows
and sometimes
I just don't even give a shit anyway.
which ironically
is kind of nice to feel
So whatever,
I am leaving my blah, blah, blog shit up, because I just don't really give one about what people think of me right now anyway,
maybe because I am realizing just how shitty people really are.
We claim to be so good and to want to help
but when it comes right down to it, very few of us will stop and help
Very few of us are really good Samaritans.
And maybe I am just as shitty as every Levite and arrogant, egocentric person that passes
Maybe I am too damn focused on me in reality
... I am going off and wandering too far...
When right now I really don't want to give a shit and I want to embrace this while it lasts...
I wonder these things because what I share on here is not likely how I am perceived in real life and I expose a whole lot of vulnerabilities that I do not wear nearly as visibly in real time and I do not feel at all times. Part of that is because I am continually working through them, choosing to process and keep moving forward instead of packing away to destroy future days or allowing it to run rampant in the rumination that comes with the territory of my mental ailments.
At least that is what I think.
Who knows.
I do try to be transparent and I am regularly accused of /complemented for being "real."
I also am very honest.
Sometimes to a fault.
Lately I have been coming in too hot and I scare people away even more than normal.
People don't quite know what to do with me or how to take me. It is much easier and safer to just write me off, keep a safe distance, etc.
I get it.
And still I don't.
Mostly I am okay with it, but sometimes it hurts real deep.
I have thought on occasion that I might be like emotional pornography to people. They love to see vulnerabilities so easily exposed and they will embrace it for a moment with me, exposing their vulnerabilities, claiming it is "refreshing" but then the distance they are sure to maintain suggests that they are not so keen to embrace me openly into their circles in real life. I am their vulnerable little secret friend. Depending on just how much they feel I picked up on they may or may not want to talk to me again and they behave as if I am shameful.
Sometimes I have had what I thought were good friends suddenly stop associating with me, or slowly but obviously intentionally stop associating. It has confused me and hurt as I feel they have decided something about me and with out talking to me about it they just want to write me off. Since I have had the tendency to accept too much responsibility and/or blame myself too heavily I think I have maybe downplayed some of those peoples darker secrets that I so very often stumble across.
But, with the exception of my husband, and sometimes not even him, I don't really share that information unless their is a good reason and rarely with anyone that has ties to the person. I don't feel it is my place and I rarely judge as harshly as they may expect/wish me too. So normally, in the real world, I don't share intimate or exposing information about others with anyone but my husband. ...Who I share everything with and tell everything too, so much so that he had figured out even before I had that I had developed feelings for my therapist... So then you can only imagine all that I told him after that all fell apart, considering the intensity of my emotions, and my deductive reasoning at the time that led me to the conclusion that likely part of the transference issue stemmed directly from our own relationship issues.
...It is a bit infuriating to me that I was able to look at things so reasonably and objectively and understand so well the psychology of the situation when I was not sleeping, had lost 10 pounds in two weeks, had tons of extra energy, was getting messages from spirit animals and other phenomenon that I can't explain, had flooding memories, heightened senses, chemicals surging that I could feel, a heart that was physically hurting and inhibitions lost, yet my therapist could not?
I risk rambling off track here.
My point was, I share far too much on this blog and I question it because it is not the entirety of me and I wonder if it is wise...
But I also feel somewhat strongly that leaving this thing up, exposing all that I have, documenting my thought processing could potentially help the damned industry of blasphemy if they would listen. Maybe could help others who feel but also hide. Maybe modeling my thinking can help others improve theirs, by good example or by bad.
Maybe me leaving it will increasingly help me to embrace all my parts and help me as I continue on my journey to evolve and improve...
I don't know.
Whatever.
I do feel my writing is loosing its zest. My menial mortal mind is far less interesting and not so free with its creative and artistic liberties.
Again... Who knows
and sometimes
I just don't even give a shit anyway.
which ironically
is kind of nice to feel
So whatever,
I am leaving my blah, blah, blog shit up, because I just don't really give one about what people think of me right now anyway,
maybe because I am realizing just how shitty people really are.
We claim to be so good and to want to help
but when it comes right down to it, very few of us will stop and help
Very few of us are really good Samaritans.
And maybe I am just as shitty as every Levite and arrogant, egocentric person that passes
Maybe I am too damn focused on me in reality
... I am going off and wandering too far...
When right now I really don't want to give a shit and I want to embrace this while it lasts...
Friday, October 4, 2019
Sadness
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I really am supposed to allow myself to be sacrificed to protect Dr. He.
I wonder if people would listen then?
I wonder if C S is still alive, or if she succumbed to the psychological persuasion by the therapist gods that she needed to be sacrificed, she was not worth their time and effort, and she was unsalvageable. C is the lady on Quora.com who had a similar experience with an abrupt termination with a therapist due to transference and countertransference https://qr.ae/TW2ApN. She has not had any activity since this: https://qr.ae/TWsa9N. Actually she upvoted one answer the following day, which, depending on what time she was on there could have been within the same timeframe; 11:30 to midnight kind of thing. This is evidence to me that she still had some life left in her and I hope and pray she had not already done some irreversible damage in a moment of weakness and brain malfunction. Yet I also know, firsthand, how profoundly and deeply this type of situation effects a person; how it can actually change your brain chemistry and how that "unredeemable" message becomes so deeply entrenched and/or confirmed when it is coming from an institution of psychology and from a therapist you connect easily with and love deeply. Especially when there is some form of or implied return of those feelings. I also know how easy it is to die and how hyper-vigilant one must be when they are feeling those things and their chemistry or brain is out of whack. Some of the evidence that confirms this conviction comes from my brother's death; how he was behaving before he died and the concrete evidence that suggested he probably did not mean to kill himself in that moment.
So I hope and pray C S is okay, but I also know the reality and I don't know what kind of support she has or does not have...
And I am so bothered by this. I am angry that 40 people read her comment before me and said nothing. I am angry that the facility she was attending decided she should not be allowed to see her therapist anymore because they felt boundaries had been crossed and then she was not allowed to talk with her at all. I am angry that the therapist that she was banned from would walk past her and not even acknowledge her. I am angry that she was branded and stigmatized, when she did nothing wrong. She was there to get help and she loved her therapist, that is not a bad person. The psychological abuse of her situation is just plain stupid.
I am angry at the man on Quora who said this "it's possible that closure could harm you more" in his answer to this question: https://qr.ae/TW2AR8
https://www.quora.com/My-therapist-and-I-developed-a-codependent-enmeshed-dynamic-She-recently-terminated-my-treatment-abruptly-and-without-explanation-I-m-absolutely-devastated-What-can-what-should-I-do-I-don-t-even-have-closure-I-m#
I did not ask any of these questions by the way.
I am also angry at this lady's answer about being attracted to clients: https://qr.ae/TW2Ap0
If you look through the many comments you will find my comment about the stigma of getting mental health care in the US. This comment is mine: "So much of a stigma that is appalling to think that these people could be found or considered attractive in anyway. You would have to have something wrong with yourself to think someone with mental health issues is attractive. You'd be a stain on your profession.
I hope you are sensing my harsh sarcasm here that I am intentionally using to illustrate how people in the professions can and do contribute to that stigma"
I am angry and sad.
I am angry because people believe the "professional" over you and if they decide to twist you into something you are not to cover their ass then you will be perceived as that. I am angry because I have managed well but even I question myself "maybe I wasn't that bad, maybe I really was delusional about how delusional I was?"
As I have I tried to explain, because I am so tired of being misunderstood, the situation is confusing to a brain that is functioning fine.... but the thing is mine was not.
And I am so angry at how everyone will just let it slide and let me figure it out on my own because I try to be responsible and self-sufficient, because I try to not be a burden or be a cry baby, because I try to be tough and intelligent, because I work damn hard to stay straight, level, and rational even when I am not.
I am sad that I am on my own. Alone in fighting this. Alone in standing up for myself, because it is confusing and I was not broken in a super obvious and in your face ways. I am sad that I am discredited. I am sad that I am too much for my husband and not enough. I am sad that he doesn't want to stand up for me, that his method is still to build his own walls of self protection if I am not okay. I am sad because if the situation were reversed I'd not have let it slide and I would have gotten to the bottom of it for him. I am sad that he is scarred in his own ways and that this further hurts me... I am sad at the world and I am sad at the losses I feel. I am sad that I know I broke so big and it was so damn hard but they would not listen and because they are the professionals it is and will continue to be used against me as justification for not treating me. I am sad and mad.
And I will explain now what it is like to go manic, at least give an analogy that maybe people can relate to. Orgasm; it is intense and amazing. A euphoric release. It is everything in one brief moment. It is exquisite and divine and addicting. But would it be healthy to maintain that level of intensity for an extended period of time?
The other day, at that moment for my husband, I saw in his face and could feel in his body exactly what I have been trying to explain; "That," I said, "Is mania"
When that level of emotional intensity lasts for weeks "it is hard on your brain" according to my new psychiatric PA and yet she cannot diagnose me because she was not my provider at that point in time. She didn't see me until I was months exhausted and fading into the depressive side of that intensity.
That, Dr. He, is the fire you played with, and it was not fair, it is not right that you turned me into anything other than manic in those moments where I was deemed acting inappropriate but not in a medical way even though I did nothing physically inappropriate and how I was "inappropriate" I owned a million times knowing and trying to explain that it was evidence of my reaction being too extreme.
I initially thought is was tied to head injury, but the evidence suggests, it was psychological manipulation and abuse of power... and psychological mishandling that is common enough to be read about thousands of times on Quora.com but so poorly handled that lives are potentially being lost.
If mine is lost too, will you listen then?
Too bad jack assess
I will not die for you!
I will live for others instead!
(at least that is my anthem I am telling myself right now to combat the sadness and lost cause feelings that are trying to creep back in)
...
...
...
I am sad
Monday, September 30, 2019
Please Keep Fighting!
Someone requested an answer from me on Quora,com while on the website I visited a lady I follow's page.
I am concerned about this beautiful lady. I became aquatinted with her because she was struggling with a similar transference counter-transference issue. I think that policies need to be changed. I am angry. https://qr.ae/TWsa9N
I am surprised by how significantly more read my answers and the questions and answers I have read about transience and countertransference related issues are compared to other psychological issues. There is a problem here. There is a problem in the industry. It is not okay.
I am angry that therapists drop clients because they have feelings for them and that is supposed to be "in the best interest"
It is not. It merely protects the therapist from what is unlikely to happen anyway.
We are not murders. We are not stalkers. We are not worthless. We are not disposable. We are not forbidden and we are not taboo! We are not unreasonable.
But we are also not so strong that we can carry the weight of your debatable transgression alone, misunderstood, and misrepresented.
We are worth listening to.
We are worth fighting for.
We are worth loving and following through with to reach the other side.
We can manage.
We can handle so much
but the cold turn and rejection
in the place that we feel the safest, we trust, we love
because we might actually be lovable?
that is bullshit
and APA you need to reconsider the policies and practices you are feeding, encouraging and the very one-sided protection you are offering.
Please C S, Keep Fighting!
and Dr. He, if you ever read this, please don't play these games. Please hear me. And please try a different approach.
It is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.
Don't ask for permission to help us, ask for forgiveness. ... really, I can give that and help you receive that much more easily than the consequences that might befall you otherwise.
I cannot simply let this go.
I have to fight and I am sorry if that is against you because I really do care about you and think you are a beautiful person... you are human, you make mistakes, I can work with that, I can fight for you too, but I cannot sacrifice me for you and I have to stand up for myself and others.
I am scared for this beautiful lady. I am scared for others. I know how profoundly and deeply this shit cuts.
This is not an anticipated blog post but right now I feel a sense of urgency...
And I am so scared that this beautiful lady may have already lost the battle. It is a real battle and I know it...
I am concerned about this beautiful lady. I became aquatinted with her because she was struggling with a similar transference counter-transference issue. I think that policies need to be changed. I am angry. https://qr.ae/TWsa9N
I am surprised by how significantly more read my answers and the questions and answers I have read about transience and countertransference related issues are compared to other psychological issues. There is a problem here. There is a problem in the industry. It is not okay.
I am angry that therapists drop clients because they have feelings for them and that is supposed to be "in the best interest"
It is not. It merely protects the therapist from what is unlikely to happen anyway.
We are not murders. We are not stalkers. We are not worthless. We are not disposable. We are not forbidden and we are not taboo! We are not unreasonable.
But we are also not so strong that we can carry the weight of your debatable transgression alone, misunderstood, and misrepresented.
We are worth listening to.
We are worth fighting for.
We are worth loving and following through with to reach the other side.
We can manage.
We can handle so much
but the cold turn and rejection
in the place that we feel the safest, we trust, we love
because we might actually be lovable?
that is bullshit
and APA you need to reconsider the policies and practices you are feeding, encouraging and the very one-sided protection you are offering.
Please C S, Keep Fighting!
and Dr. He, if you ever read this, please don't play these games. Please hear me. And please try a different approach.
It is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.
Don't ask for permission to help us, ask for forgiveness. ... really, I can give that and help you receive that much more easily than the consequences that might befall you otherwise.
I cannot simply let this go.
I have to fight and I am sorry if that is against you because I really do care about you and think you are a beautiful person... you are human, you make mistakes, I can work with that, I can fight for you too, but I cannot sacrifice me for you and I have to stand up for myself and others.
I am scared for this beautiful lady. I am scared for others. I know how profoundly and deeply this shit cuts.
This is not an anticipated blog post but right now I feel a sense of urgency...
And I am so scared that this beautiful lady may have already lost the battle. It is a real battle and I know it...
Unique, just like everyone else
I like how "level" and "normal" this new medication helps me feel. I'll be driving along and be like, "wow, I'm like, not thinking about anything really and not really feeling anything other than human and normal." And I like it. I savor it. Which I am sure is not "normal" but really is there such a thing as "normal?"
Actually, I know there is because sometimes I feel it.
In those times I am fairly certain I am just like the rest of the people traveling through life mostly oblivious to just how abnormal they really are because they are mostly the same and they have places they fit and they don't really question their conformity all that much.
It's a nice experience -"normal"- though I am fairly certain I appreciate these feelings more than most.
When I feel this, which I am feeling more and more as I "stabilize" with the medication and therapy, I want to forget that I am actually not normal. I want to forget how far off the spectrum I can and have gone. I want to loose touch with the abnormals of myself... And I have. And I sometimes do.
But is that a good idea? Right now I am not sure that it is. Probably because I still have stuff to work through and I can't pretend completely because I now have to take 3 separate medications regularly to be here.
I also occasionally feel kind of dizzy and medicine head-ish, not often but it happens. I also still have a bit of push back with the medication and I am still kind of fragile. Plus I have the identity crises that comes along with it. I am not sure what to do and when I look at jobs and/or returning to previous projects and goals I feel incredibly gun-shy and small. My confidence has taken a pretty big hit when it was already shaky at best. It is why I am touting how proud of myself I can and should be, because I can and should but I am not totally there yet... I'm working on it.
I am often not sure what direction to take.
Today at new physical therapists office I met a lovely 19 year old who was home from college because she had a "mental health crises" over the summer. I was so impressed and proud of her for how casually she said it.
When I had my "mental health crises" at 19 I could not own it nor talk about it so easily and openly. Of course, as it so often is, my crises had been going on for quite some time completely overlooked, ignored, brushed under the rug, not talked about, and hidden (by me mostly). It was kind of the first time in my family's history that they were forced to face the reality of "mental health issues." A turning point for my family, but still we were all too stigmatized and self stigmatizing to more productively deal with and fully accept our individual fates; thus it turned out to be too little too late when it came to my brother who years later died at his own hand.
So I wonder if I can own so easily and comfortably my "stuff?"
But I still feel the way people withdraw and proceed with caution when I mention anything of the sort and I am not sure if it is reflective of how they feel or if it is more reflective of my own insecurities in accepting and embracing that part of me....
That's the hard stuff.
Which is why when I am normal
I start to believe that, and I back away and forget that I am not. Then get confused again by how people are responding to me, the not-so-normal deep thinker, big idea haver, and over analyzer that I am...
So
the balance.
Normal is nice
but really
mania can be fun
depression can be tragically beautiful in it's depth and complexity
embarrassing is hard but I'm over it (mostly) because
what's the point? I'd have to hide too much and too much of the time
and really my mind and body are pretty fascinating
my life stories are pretty fantastic
so
maybe I am too
and that is pretty cool
because I can live a thousand lives in a day
and I can stand up to giants
maybe I won't win and maybe I'll take a beating
but In the end I'll make a difference
to someone, somewhere
And I will survive
because I have super powers
and I can read minds
I can see the future and hear the gods when they speak through their many different dialects
I can ride the waves and the clouds
and feel every molecule of it.
I can withstands months of chemicals surging through my system to a palpable level.
I can solve all the worlds problems if only they would listen
And all of this I can do while keeping one foot firmly planted on the ground of reality. Can you?
Thus I am often more sane than the sane because I see and know my insanity.
So finding happy in my normal, I hope I really can embrace all parts of me
...because
I am unique, just like everyone else.
:)
Actually, I know there is because sometimes I feel it.
In those times I am fairly certain I am just like the rest of the people traveling through life mostly oblivious to just how abnormal they really are because they are mostly the same and they have places they fit and they don't really question their conformity all that much.
It's a nice experience -"normal"- though I am fairly certain I appreciate these feelings more than most.
When I feel this, which I am feeling more and more as I "stabilize" with the medication and therapy, I want to forget that I am actually not normal. I want to forget how far off the spectrum I can and have gone. I want to loose touch with the abnormals of myself... And I have. And I sometimes do.
But is that a good idea? Right now I am not sure that it is. Probably because I still have stuff to work through and I can't pretend completely because I now have to take 3 separate medications regularly to be here.
I also occasionally feel kind of dizzy and medicine head-ish, not often but it happens. I also still have a bit of push back with the medication and I am still kind of fragile. Plus I have the identity crises that comes along with it. I am not sure what to do and when I look at jobs and/or returning to previous projects and goals I feel incredibly gun-shy and small. My confidence has taken a pretty big hit when it was already shaky at best. It is why I am touting how proud of myself I can and should be, because I can and should but I am not totally there yet... I'm working on it.
I am often not sure what direction to take.
Today at new physical therapists office I met a lovely 19 year old who was home from college because she had a "mental health crises" over the summer. I was so impressed and proud of her for how casually she said it.
When I had my "mental health crises" at 19 I could not own it nor talk about it so easily and openly. Of course, as it so often is, my crises had been going on for quite some time completely overlooked, ignored, brushed under the rug, not talked about, and hidden (by me mostly). It was kind of the first time in my family's history that they were forced to face the reality of "mental health issues." A turning point for my family, but still we were all too stigmatized and self stigmatizing to more productively deal with and fully accept our individual fates; thus it turned out to be too little too late when it came to my brother who years later died at his own hand.
So I wonder if I can own so easily and comfortably my "stuff?"
But I still feel the way people withdraw and proceed with caution when I mention anything of the sort and I am not sure if it is reflective of how they feel or if it is more reflective of my own insecurities in accepting and embracing that part of me....
That's the hard stuff.
Which is why when I am normal
I start to believe that, and I back away and forget that I am not. Then get confused again by how people are responding to me, the not-so-normal deep thinker, big idea haver, and over analyzer that I am...
So
the balance.
Normal is nice
but really
mania can be fun
depression can be tragically beautiful in it's depth and complexity
embarrassing is hard but I'm over it (mostly) because
what's the point? I'd have to hide too much and too much of the time
and really my mind and body are pretty fascinating
my life stories are pretty fantastic
so
maybe I am too
and that is pretty cool
because I can live a thousand lives in a day
and I can stand up to giants
maybe I won't win and maybe I'll take a beating
but In the end I'll make a difference
to someone, somewhere
And I will survive
because I have super powers
and I can read minds
I can see the future and hear the gods when they speak through their many different dialects
I can ride the waves and the clouds
and feel every molecule of it.
I can withstands months of chemicals surging through my system to a palpable level.
I can solve all the worlds problems if only they would listen
And all of this I can do while keeping one foot firmly planted on the ground of reality. Can you?
Thus I am often more sane than the sane because I see and know my insanity.
So finding happy in my normal, I hope I really can embrace all parts of me
...because
I am unique, just like everyone else.
:)
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