Out of the Darkness!

Tomorrow there is an Out the Darkness community walk. It is about fighting suicide, supporting families and people who are affected by it and trying to change stigma's around mental illness and mental health.
I want to attend and I also don't.
I want to invite my family and friends to come with me... but, I am afraid to.
I am afraid because I don't want to feel the lack of support if they say no. I am afraid to because I know some people will look at me differently, for whatever reason, no matter how I present it.
I am afraid because I don't want them to think things about my brother that may not be true because I know there will be people there that are nothing like him and nothing like how he was. I am afraid to because I am not sure I want to explain that is not just because of him that I want to attend. I am afraid to go because I may find myself in an angry tirade at IHC because they are one of the sponsors and I think that is very hypocritical considering how they have handled me.
...But mostly I am afraid to ask family and friends because I fear the rejection and how that might actually feed those fading thoughts and that core beleif that thinks I might be worthless.
Isn't that silly?
I can't attend the suicide prevention walk because I fear it might fuel it?... But then again, I think that is a pretty normally occurring phenomena. We don't want to be around sick people because we fear catching it. We don't want to accept mental illness because we fear it will increase it. We don't want to hang out with people who are different than we are because we fear we might become too similar to them.
The thing is these fears are not entirely irrational or ungrounded. Some can be, especially in the extreme, but there is some accuracy to those fears. Which is why people listen to their fears. I think when we can identify our fear we can then address it constructively and make a wise and rational decision that can benefit ourselves and others. But that fear is also a nudging into something we need to address.
So as I think of my fear and identify where it is coming from and then objectively look at it and how and why I might be feeling it, the realities of if and the extremes that are not so real or may be inaccurate, and I realize, I am pretty normal for feeling those things.
Which is why I'll go, with or without support from friends or family. They have their stuff and I have safely waited until the last minute to mention it to anyone so I can't really take it personally if they don't go anyway.
So I will go because I am normal and normal people, even good, kind, and intelligent people can struggle with this and be affected by it. I will go because even when I feel alone I am not alone and if simply being there can communicate that to someone else and offer some form of hope, I'll go.

"Keep fighting," she says; and How to change your negative core beliefs

It's not that I don't value myself. I do. But deep inside I am insecure and Dr. She says I "fear being worthless" or having no value to anyone.  She says I have a core belief about this that is in my heart. And when anything happens that will take a hit to my self esteem or sense of self worth that core is going to come out and tell me I am worthless and that what ever is happening is happening because I am worthless and/or unlovable or whatever that negative core belief is.

Yes. She is probably correct. And my brain, being the analyzer it is will often quickly agree: "Yes, that must be true because it is a basic law of economics. Supply and demand. It doesn't matter how amazing or awesome the product is, if no one is calling for it, there is no demand, it has no value." And I am so keenly aware of so many things. It is not just one thing that suggest this to my logical brain there are many. Including, but not limited to, how our flawed primary educational systems feed it. Remember all those dumb work sheets? "Good, better, best." All the sorting and categorizing? "Cut and paste all the picture that start with P, throw out the ones that don't belong"

Then I have to rationalize with things like: "I built that shed" to which the core will reply, "with your dad who was impatient and mad at you most of the time, despite how patient he has become with everyone else over the years."
So I'll try: "I biked 2 countries in 2 months with my 2 kids" to which my core will reply "and lost many friends because you tagged along and they didn't actually want you there, but you were too stupid to respond to the red flags."
"But I have at least walked a mile in the shoes of an elementary school teacher"
"And they did not offer to hold your job while you were in Brazil, plus the two teachers that shot down 100% (wish I were exaggerating there) of your ideas."

..."I am tired of fighting." I tell Dr. She today
 She said I have to keep fighting and fight harder again.
She meant it.
And while I am tired of fighting that was really all I needed to hear.
And she is correct.
So to my thoughts I say:
"now wait a minute, I didn't claim anything more than walking a mile in teacher shoes, and I fully admit that about did me in. My back gave out twice and I had more colds and lost my voice with those more times than I think I have in the rest of my life combined. And I was putting in 14 hour days, did you really want to go back to that? I did not ask them to hold the job either. Plus, those two teachers, that did, in fact, shoot down 100% (I also wish I were exaggerating) of my ideas also snagged many of those ideas out from under me and even pulled them out meetings with the big guys to make themselves look good. There is something to that which actually says a lot of good things about me."

"And I love my shed. I designed it and did a lot of the inside myself. Also it's probably good my dad feels safe enough with me to be ornery and impatient with me. He doesn't have that safety other places."

"As far as the friends, good riddance. You were there, you saw their true colors and you only biked with them for 1 out of the 2.5 months. You did this with your kids, by yourself, and you and I both know (or rather I and I know) they kind of hated you for that because it overshadowed them a bit and stole some of there glory, even though you weren't trying to."
"So core belief, you are wrong again and I am not okay with you being wrong about this so you will have to keep working on changing or be gone."
"You are right myself" and my core is softening, remembering why it has been so determined to change for me, and agreeing with Dr. She, to fight harder.
Because I am worth it.

Yes, others help determine my value

I need to feel loved.
I have felt so easily discarded and disregarded so many times by so many people that I am logically drawn to the conclusion that I am of little value.
How do we become what we are not?

Doubled up

11:45 pm
I can't sleep again.
The haunting images are coming back. My sons pocket knife left on the couch is harmless yet it begs to join the madness in my head. be physically present. And it is showing me (in visions) how it can be.
I HATE these thoughts. They are not welcome and I don't let them stay.
I force them away with whatever I've got. But sometimes they are persistent. If I change my thinking direction they will find someway to remind me of my worthlessness and advocate for killing me off in my own story. Like Antigone, not even the main character in her own play, I must die for the Creons' sake, pride and/or ego because he/they is/are the one/s in power.
Of course I will not, or at least I hope I will not, ...at very least I can say I will keep fighting for my life and resist the urge to hang myself in my forsaken tomb of abandonment- because I currently have a spoon to dig with and a few others that are hoping to help free me.
What a silly analogy.
I am already starting to feel a bit tired. Tired like my husband's patience is wearing with me.
I took 2. doubled my dose. I need to call the psychiatric PAC to get that officially prescribed. I think that may be wise.
Why the change?
Is it simply, like I already know, the medication does not change you and your thinking it just makes it possible for you to make the changes you need to.
At least that is my hope. Is that hope real?
Or is the timeline the culprit?
New neuropsychologist suggested I write one with all the things that happened, that they said or did that may have caused harm, and all the times I tried to tell them what was going one with me and it was ignored or avoided... All the times I tried to tell them that I was being haunted by suicidal thoughts followed by "I know what handle those" to keep me out of a lockup?  And all the times I tried to tell them "I just want to know what is going on with my head"
This is hard... HARD!
As I tried to write the timeline I realize and remember; it is too much. Too many times I tried to explain, to ask for help, hoping they saw what was really going on with me and believing them every time they took a different approach, decided it was something else or that I should go somewhere else.

Today: The previous was all written just before midnight last night and that last statement was exhausting enough (probably coupled with that double dose of quetiapine) to put me to sleep.
Trying to write out the timeline started the whole thing replaying again. "he loves me, he loves me not" flower petals trying to determine my fate kind of bullshit coupled with "You crazy!" and "They be crazy" and what the hell do I do about this?
I am so tired of this cycle, this damn cycle of mediocre crazy. And yet I am also immensely grateful that my crazy is so benign and understood (if only by me) because I know I am nowhere near the crazy of all the crap I hear and see all me and all around the world.
...Which can at times add to the burden I carry, because "where much is given, much is expected"
So I think it is time to walk away from all this today and enjoy my day. And I will.
But I'd like to share this funny story that was playing on the truck radio this morning: The nurse who loved me. ...( revised 9/10: Wait this isn't funny, it's the nurse that is saying hello to the rugs topography... I din't initially understand the violent attack part of it... Thankfully my crazy is much less violent towards others, an embarrassing mistake to think this song is beautiful and funny but at least evidence to suggest my own naive innocence, at least that)
Also I'm happy to say the knife is just a knife that got left laying around again; not a threat to my safety.

Superman takes Kryptonite for his sanity.

There have been many memories returned or revisited these last almost two years.
First the auto accident made everything feel off and unbalanced. My emotions were an instant mess, I felt disoriented and confused,  and even one side of my body felt taller than the other.
Then I started having feelings  and thoughts of "I have been here before, I have experienced this before" in relation to ways my brain was rerouting and functioning.
The chiropractor who suspected a concussion I was seeing did a little test. First he told me some words to remember; they were something like: apple, bubble, and ladder and I immediately recognized the visual pp, dd, bb pattern of the words so I was able to recall them later. I am not sure if he was conscious of this pattern or not, but for me, normally I don't visualize things like that so quickly and hardly care about remembering or making an effort to remember such things. However, it was an instinctive reaction, that was not how I normally function, but that felt familiar. Before he asked me to repeat those words the chiropractor had me track his finger. I was thinking it was silly and wondering why until he stopped. Then all of the sudden my head was swimming and the world was physically and visually throbbing or shaking. "What did you just do to my head," I eked  out as tears started to fall uncontrollably. I had to sit for sometime before the world stopped moving and I was able to drive myself home again.
I didn't know what magic he possessed and how he had done that to my head but I had experienced the world moving like that before, but I couldn't quite place it at that moment.
One of the more interesting things about that concussion was how my brain seemed to know how to accommodate, and even hide symptoms. I could feel the black dead ends that used to be well traveled routes and then I could feel it rerouting; doing something different to arrive at the same place. It was fascinating, confusing, exciting and scary all at the same time. It made me emotional and quiet.
Many strange moments, memories, and realizations have occurred since including the intriguing beard that suddenly spoke my name, and the names and faces that abandoned my recollection as they spoke in familiar tones; including the sensitivities to light and motion that I could not pinpoint as my internal surroundings danced around until my vestibular therapist pointed them out and we put them into controlled contexts. So many strange things I suspect related to TBI/mTBI... So many reoccurrences.
In this last week I had yet another deja vu memory. I feel as though I have been feeling pain more "normally" again since starting this mood stabilizer and I am actually happy for that because I was concerned about how I had not been feeling pain equivalent to the levels of injuries sustained (my ankle and lower back specifically). I laughed as I remembered how I had once before thought of how medication seemed to turn me into a mortal being. I used to claim an iron stomach and rarely ever got sick until I started taking nortriptyline. It worked well but eventually killed my immune system, the culprit for the ongoing flare up of cystic acne, and I was getting sick all the time. It was severe enough I had to stop taking it and my immune system came back. I don't remember what medication came after or if I was able to stop everything for awhile... I think it was lamictal next, but I am not certain. Eventually I went off all of them and was fine for sometime. Though maybe never really as well as I thought. It is hard to tell because so many things can simply be situational. I did go on adderall in 2015 and that has been a God send because so many things would pull too much energy from my brain, that I'd struggle to stay focused and keep up, which caused mild depression.
But since that dang airbag punch the head, my brain and emotions have been all over the place; functioning so differently that I have once again experienced crosses into the immortal realms. Even bigger and "better" cross overs. And as fun and/or fascinating as that may sound, if you have never experienced it, I can assure you, it is not maintainable and a sacrifice worth making so I join the realm of the mortals again (finally)  with the help of quetiapine.
Really, if you think about it: could you imagine how lonely it would be to be Superman? Yet when I take my kryptonite I find I may be more capable.

Warning: Racing Thoughts May Cause Dizziness

It is not surprising that a medication like Seroquel (Quetiapine) can have the perceived side effect of dizziness. On the label is say "may cause dizziness" but I wonder if that is a misconception?
I remember when I was a kid; we used to spin and spin each other in circles until we were dizzy. But the thing about that is you don't really start to feel the dizziness until you stop, or start to slow down. Yet the slowing and stopping are not what caused the dizziness, rather the spinning caused it. The slowing and stopping only enabled one to feel it.
It is like amusement park rides; one usually is just experiencing the thrill, exhilaration or horror of the spinning when they are spinning on a ride, it is not until after that they feel dizzy, maybe a bit light headed and a bit funny in the brain.

Maybe this explains these pictures that escaped me through paint a couple of months back.

So I think it may be the same with medications like Seroquel and I wonder if a more accurate warning might be "may experience dizziness" to which I would personally add: "as your mind finally stops or slows in its spinning and racing."

Happy Stories

The roads less traveled:
Last week I had a Friday morning appointment with Dr. She (new Neuropsychologist) and since apparently Friday morning traffic isn't as bad, I found myself arriving in the city with extra time. I really don't like how crowded the main streets can get in the city so I decided to see if I could find an alternate route on the less used and unknown backstreets.
As I explored these less used roads I enjoyed the peacefulness of it and seeing places I had never seen before. I don't think it was any faster but I enjoyed it. Then it occurred to me what I had chosen to do with my extra time.
I laughed at myself as I realized how very reflective this was of my patterns of thinking. Always looking for other options and taking different routes. I shared it with Dr. She, she also found it amusing.
Awhile back I made a meme about something like this, it has a picture of 2 kids working on academic tasks and reads "Not all who wander are lost." I will not share the meme because it has pictures of children and I do not wish to tie them to this blog, but you get the idea.
It is funny how our thinking and behavior patterns can manifest themselves in so many ways.

Omens:
Even though I know it can make me seem crazy and truthfully I can, at times, struggle with finding the right balance here, I believe in omens, signs and symbols. At certain times there seems to be more appearing than at other times. Maybe I am just paying attention, or maybe my mind feels it needs them so I subconsciously find them. I don't really know and I don't really care all that much because I think omens are fun and they make life so much more interesting.

Yesterday this little guy showed up. I was already in the house before I noticed him crossing from my shorts to my leg. It is a ladybug. I don't remember where this superstition came from but I think it is a common belief that when one lands on you it is good luck.
I like this omen. And I especially like that it came the day after my "Lucky" blog entry.
A little glimmer of hope I carefully passed along to our aphid infested roses.

More Lessons from Art Therapy:
Sessions with Dr. She are so helpful, and I feel so level and clear minded when I am talking with her these days, but is is still very tiring work for me. So yesterday I decided to paint to help relax my tired brain.
I have been wanting to paint more structured and intentional paintings. Like maybe learn to become a "real" artist, with some skill... I got this far:

Then got tired of it. Bored or too insecure to continue, I am really not to sure which. But I decided to abandon that for a bit and ended up painting this:

 Which eventually turned into this:

And it is so silly but I really like this weird picture. I enjoyed painting it. I enjoyed the process. It makes so much more sense to me and it feels comfortable.
So am I a bit stuck in my own unstructured box - a child's messy toy box? Or am I learning to embrace and appreciate the me that I am?
Maybe both, since I am likely to return to the Tiber and see how I can distort that world.
And so my lesson in art therapy yesterday... Well, I am not entirely sure yet, other than I seem to have a specific style that suites me for my sake and maybe that is okay.
Or maybe the lesson is that I am too ADD to be a lot of things
-including a stalker. And I think that is funny because I think Dr. He wanted and tried to paint me out to be one in order to save his own ass. Only asses need to save theirs by-the-way.
And I do wish the level of light hearted humor I say shit stuff like this would come across better in my writing and communication. Maybe it is a TBI or "prior undisclosed behavioral health" sense of humor that normal people just can't understand.
But, just so you know, I am not crying, I am laughing.
So, dear world, you are welcome to laugh with me.

Self Esteem boost:
My daughter has been really great for my self esteem lately. Today  she told me this is my theme song:
Dark Horse
I am the Perfect Storm
and she is Fabulous.