I need her to accept that I am broken. She and he wanted me to believe that I am not. ...maybe it is because he believed I was not that I feel she needs to believe that I am, maybe I just need things to play out this way for my own head, but while she believes I am not broken I need her to understand that I am.
and here is why
Kintsugi: the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with a very strong glue that includes gold.
I need her to be the artist and repairman to put me back together in a more solid and beautiful way. When she says I am not broken she may be speaking truth because she, the skilled expert, sees me as the pieces of a whole and easily repaired, but I know I am in pieces and hearing that -me being the unskilled vessel- does not understand what she is saying. I do not know if I can trust that she will be able to find all the pieces and put me back together properly if she does not see and acknowledge that I am in shards of me.
Unlike the pottery of Kintsugi, I am a living, breathing, thinking being and I have to trust my artist, I have to, in essence, allow her to do her job. I cannot if she does not see me for what I am.
And I am broken
the evidence is in
my job history
my confidence
my relationships
my rejections
my inability to follow through
how I isolate myself
my identity crises
my tears that come so damn frequently that I am not even embarrassed by them anymore.
Those tears that happen everywhere and are triggered so easily. This is not the first time in my life, though it is the longest and the most.
Broken because I know, that if every person or even half, had tears spilling out as much as I do I would never be the only one at the grocery store failing in their fight to hold them back... and guess what, I have, for these last so many months, been the only one. I know because I secretly look for it, studying, researching, because I think I can't possibly be that different. But I have rarely -over so many years- noticed people fighting back tears and failing the way I do. For many many years I had it beat, but no more, and now it's so much worse. So bad that I am not even embarrassed by it.
Why bother being so? I'd never be able to get anything done if I held onto that embarrassment.
And the weird thing about now, the biggest difference, is that they just come so randomly, so easily triggered by the simplest things, while -really- I am hardly feeling, as they well and run. Hardly feeling compared to what it was when I was young. But maybe the intensity of the tears then was magnified by my fighting so hard to contain them. Maybe that is why they flowed less, but I felt more.
I don't really know but my dear sister agreed, it's not normal and there is definitely something "wrong" if that is happening so regularly.
Wrong hmmm... You see, I prefer broken. I would rather be broken then have something wrong with me.
Broken feels fixable,
wrong feels innately flawed and expendable.
Saturday, August 24, 2019
Friday, August 23, 2019
Sorry, not sorry, but I am an artist now!
 |
| A purple cloud took on a life of it's own. |
And as I analyze my thoughts and actions in these moments, I wonder, "Is this really productive? Is this really helping me? or am I just feeding crazy?"
Truthfully; I don't think I care. I am enjoying this writing journey, and I am enjoying the painting portions too.
So maybe I will chase that dream for awhile. Pretend I am an artist of words and paint. An author and an illustrator. Writing for my life, Painting for my pain.
And I can chase the dream more fervently, without fear of rejection, because I already know that
I am not an artist.
Maybe here the rejection won't hurt so bad, because here, in this space, I know I don't belong and that is what I have to offer.
Diversity.
And the therapy of it all.
Embracing your perfectly imperfect even when others do not.
So chase away
A dream to play
In the field where I don't belong
 |
| An intentionalish painting of an open mind. |
Therapist= The-rapist: penetrating and impregnating the mind
The psychiatric PA-C asked who is overseeing the head injury stuff.
This is a painful question to try and answer.
"Nobody." Because those who were helping me manage that, who were hired to oversee that, felt I was too big a Liability to them and thus dropped me. Dr. Concussion felt I needed a new team and said she would help me find one. Alas, she most certainly did not. And so my answer is "nobody."
Psychiatric PA-C does not think that is a good idea. She thinks I need a neurologist, she would like me to have one to manage and over see this care. ...And she doesn't even know about the shaky left hand that I have avoided facing. ...that Concussion Dr. suggested I see a neurologist about but did not want to refer for.
Today I had another appointment with new neuropsychologist.
I am curious about the new drug and how it is effecting me. I feel rather tired but it is also settling my brain, and that is nice. I was happy that the day before I didn't cry at all ...well at least outside of therapy anyway, and believe it or not, that is big progress at this point.
In my appointment with new neuropsychologist, Dr. She: Even though the brain feels it is settling it is still moving rapidly in multiple directions causing my words to spill out sloppily as I try to explain, get to the point, and head in a productive direction. I am not so sure I am in the right place or utilizing my therapy time wisely.
She listens patiently and then when I seem to loose track of what I am saying and where I am going with it she steps in. Asks a few questions, helps me get somewhere, and then lays out a plane.
I am feeling calm as she speaks and her plan makes perfect sense. I think the medication is already helping to settle things...but it all seems too easy. I tell her this; that it all seems too easy, and then I add, "I don't know if I trust it."
She seems to understand that, but is not terribly worried, so neither am I, though I am really and truly uncertain about trusting this. It is time to say goodbye, so I'll see her next week.
After: I get to meet my sister for lunch. I have not seen my sister for months. In fact, I think the last I saw her was when she came with me to an appointment with Concussion Dr. I wanted someone there because I was obviously making mistakes in my interpretations of things and I wanted another set of ears and hopefully a more rational brain present on my behalf. -I really should have had someone with me much more frequently, but that is not a luxury I have.- Back-on-track-
I have been feeling some hurt and anger toward Big Sister because of how she and her husband had responded to some texts and my asking for help in understanding and resolving my situation. She seemed to think I was caught up in how I had been wronged when I was really trying to justify my battle for my self worth... the battle I was loosing as IHC and Dr. He kept writing me off, unwilling to talk to me, unwilling to hear, unwilling to discuss what was going on with my head and why, but perfectly willing to continue to charge me for the treatment and care they refused to discuss.
I was loosing my battle of self worth with every hit from the industry that was set up to help protect me. So I am sure that didn't help my interpretation of texts from my sweet sister and I new that getting together would likely help set those hurt feelings straight.
It did.
We had great conversation about many things.
However the part of the conversation I wish to share pertains to my previous points. As I was telling her about the medication and the new therapist I explained the feelings of calm and hopeful and how I wasn't sure if I could trust it. Big Sister thought I was not sure if I trusted the medicine, but as I was speaking with her I realized what I was feeling distrustful of; it was new therapist. It was probably a small form of transference. The calm, the safe the hopeful, I felt that so very much with Dr. P. and I trusted him so completely... So very completely. He was so comfortable to me. I needed his calm demeanor and I loved him for it... But he could not handle that, he could not handle me needing him, so he dropped me, to protect himself, because I am too difficult, too much... That is what I feel now, in this moment.
So, that is what I do not trust. I do not trust her and I do not trust me, because of the relationship with he.
Hopefully I can get over that quickly with the help of new god-doctor, Dr. She.
Or should I retreat, and protect? Isolate myself?
It seems so easy, as I am lulled off into another fantasy dream of fixed and well. "I am not broken, I am standing, walking and talking," she tells me. And I am, she is right. But am I really not broken?
This sounds something like "accept your perfectly imperfect"
And here I am...
My thoughts penetrated
and then impregnated
by the man who would not stick around
to see it through.
Pulled out to late and yet too soon
The love child of the fertile
left to grow alone in fiction fed by forbiddens, taboos, cliches, and mania
Long overdue this stubborn bastard being
Will you be born or reborn and what will you become?
Will you stay in?
A parasite? sucking the host until there is nothing more to suck, tethered into every major organ and event?
Or can the midwife help birth the spawn of satan from her profession so we can return him to his father.
Oh my lovely imagination. You get carried away sometimes. Today I will embrace. I am properly medicated by the way, and crazy, maybe not broken, but certainly crazy, delusional about how delusional I am not, Thank you IHC for that justification.
Time to stop. I am not sure I am even making sense to myself anymore, but at least I am smiling.
so good evening.
... But can't you just see, me and Dr. He, the day that he broke me? As I am bleeding out the buried me and embracing my insanity; Heeding Dr. He's advice to uncover the buried me and embrace my perfectly imperfect, -the me that is breaking free he is starting to see. Can you see him saying to himself while hoping to flee, "Oh shit, she is one of those. Never mind, I take it all back. Your perfectly imperfect really is unacceptable."
"Bury her, let her burn out, whatever you need, but keep that crazy siren away from me."
Replay... the loop... begins again.
No conversation for clarification when I could actually handle it. No negotiation. It's their way and the highway if you have a mind like mine that got lost on the sides streets long ago.
and oh the embarrassment for poor Dr. He in the event that he actually had developed feelings for me. Countertransference with that crazy ass chick? Yeah, I'd hide it and deny it also.
And now a song comes to mind that my 2nd sister shared with me the other day, it is by Lilly Allen... I won't quote it.
This is a painful question to try and answer.
"Nobody." Because those who were helping me manage that, who were hired to oversee that, felt I was too big a Liability to them and thus dropped me. Dr. Concussion felt I needed a new team and said she would help me find one. Alas, she most certainly did not. And so my answer is "nobody."
Psychiatric PA-C does not think that is a good idea. She thinks I need a neurologist, she would like me to have one to manage and over see this care. ...And she doesn't even know about the shaky left hand that I have avoided facing. ...that Concussion Dr. suggested I see a neurologist about but did not want to refer for.
Today I had another appointment with new neuropsychologist.
I am curious about the new drug and how it is effecting me. I feel rather tired but it is also settling my brain, and that is nice. I was happy that the day before I didn't cry at all ...well at least outside of therapy anyway, and believe it or not, that is big progress at this point.
In my appointment with new neuropsychologist, Dr. She: Even though the brain feels it is settling it is still moving rapidly in multiple directions causing my words to spill out sloppily as I try to explain, get to the point, and head in a productive direction. I am not so sure I am in the right place or utilizing my therapy time wisely.
She listens patiently and then when I seem to loose track of what I am saying and where I am going with it she steps in. Asks a few questions, helps me get somewhere, and then lays out a plane.
I am feeling calm as she speaks and her plan makes perfect sense. I think the medication is already helping to settle things...but it all seems too easy. I tell her this; that it all seems too easy, and then I add, "I don't know if I trust it."
She seems to understand that, but is not terribly worried, so neither am I, though I am really and truly uncertain about trusting this. It is time to say goodbye, so I'll see her next week.
After: I get to meet my sister for lunch. I have not seen my sister for months. In fact, I think the last I saw her was when she came with me to an appointment with Concussion Dr. I wanted someone there because I was obviously making mistakes in my interpretations of things and I wanted another set of ears and hopefully a more rational brain present on my behalf. -I really should have had someone with me much more frequently, but that is not a luxury I have.- Back-on-track-
I have been feeling some hurt and anger toward Big Sister because of how she and her husband had responded to some texts and my asking for help in understanding and resolving my situation. She seemed to think I was caught up in how I had been wronged when I was really trying to justify my battle for my self worth... the battle I was loosing as IHC and Dr. He kept writing me off, unwilling to talk to me, unwilling to hear, unwilling to discuss what was going on with my head and why, but perfectly willing to continue to charge me for the treatment and care they refused to discuss.
I was loosing my battle of self worth with every hit from the industry that was set up to help protect me. So I am sure that didn't help my interpretation of texts from my sweet sister and I new that getting together would likely help set those hurt feelings straight.
It did.
We had great conversation about many things.
However the part of the conversation I wish to share pertains to my previous points. As I was telling her about the medication and the new therapist I explained the feelings of calm and hopeful and how I wasn't sure if I could trust it. Big Sister thought I was not sure if I trusted the medicine, but as I was speaking with her I realized what I was feeling distrustful of; it was new therapist. It was probably a small form of transference. The calm, the safe the hopeful, I felt that so very much with Dr. P. and I trusted him so completely... So very completely. He was so comfortable to me. I needed his calm demeanor and I loved him for it... But he could not handle that, he could not handle me needing him, so he dropped me, to protect himself, because I am too difficult, too much... That is what I feel now, in this moment.
So, that is what I do not trust. I do not trust her and I do not trust me, because of the relationship with he.
Hopefully I can get over that quickly with the help of new god-doctor, Dr. She.
Or should I retreat, and protect? Isolate myself?
It seems so easy, as I am lulled off into another fantasy dream of fixed and well. "I am not broken, I am standing, walking and talking," she tells me. And I am, she is right. But am I really not broken?
This sounds something like "accept your perfectly imperfect"
And here I am...
My thoughts penetrated
and then impregnated
by the man who would not stick around
to see it through.
Pulled out to late and yet too soon
The love child of the fertile
left to grow alone in fiction fed by forbiddens, taboos, cliches, and mania
Long overdue this stubborn bastard being
Will you be born or reborn and what will you become?
Will you stay in?
A parasite? sucking the host until there is nothing more to suck, tethered into every major organ and event?
Or can the midwife help birth the spawn of satan from her profession so we can return him to his father.
Oh my lovely imagination. You get carried away sometimes. Today I will embrace. I am properly medicated by the way, and crazy, maybe not broken, but certainly crazy, delusional about how delusional I am not, Thank you IHC for that justification.
Time to stop. I am not sure I am even making sense to myself anymore, but at least I am smiling.
so good evening.
... But can't you just see, me and Dr. He, the day that he broke me? As I am bleeding out the buried me and embracing my insanity; Heeding Dr. He's advice to uncover the buried me and embrace my perfectly imperfect, -the me that is breaking free he is starting to see. Can you see him saying to himself while hoping to flee, "Oh shit, she is one of those. Never mind, I take it all back. Your perfectly imperfect really is unacceptable."
"Bury her, let her burn out, whatever you need, but keep that crazy siren away from me."
Replay... the loop... begins again.
No conversation for clarification when I could actually handle it. No negotiation. It's their way and the highway if you have a mind like mine that got lost on the sides streets long ago.
and oh the embarrassment for poor Dr. He in the event that he actually had developed feelings for me. Countertransference with that crazy ass chick? Yeah, I'd hide it and deny it also.
And now a song comes to mind that my 2nd sister shared with me the other day, it is by Lilly Allen... I won't quote it.
Wednesday, August 21, 2019
solved, solving, and unsolved mysteries. And stupid ones to.
I met with the psychiatric PA-C. I have been nervous to meet with her and she looked very young. But she was pretty great.
I will tell you it is mentally exhausting trying to explain myself. And truthfully I don't think I have ever sought as thorough help as I am now. I am tired. My brain is tired.
And I am tired of the flood of tears that comes so frequently and often unexpectedly. Today as I tried to rehash I remembered even more than I had when I was remembering and trying so hard, while also trying to protect, to help the Neuroscience Institute to see that I needed their help much more than I had realized or even wanted to admit to myself.
She is seeing me, and listening, and she is not trying to send me away because she thinks I am too much or she thinks that I will be fine because I have been able to manage... or because she is afraid of me.
She wants me to return in two weeks. She wants me to see a neurologist. She wants to help me find one because she does not think I should be left alone to handle this. She wants my records. She wants to know and understand and she wants to help me.
I hope that this time the medical helpers I am finding are sincere. That they won't break me more then abandon me.
PA-Looks-too-Young understands what I am talking about when I mention mania. She seems to understand that, while I was not hospitalized, it was hard on my brain. She seems to understand how I could seem so okay, and how it could be fun, exhilarating, and even how Dr. Cheri's not addressing it but rather addressing the transference countertransference topic could lead me to a different place but not solve the problem. She understands that I believed him and thought I was really going to be okay, that it was not mania, it was something else.
...But even then, I knew. I knew the up was too high and I could not maintain. I knew I would have to come down and as high as I was the down would be harsh. I knew I could not "not solve this" because if I stopped trying to solve for even a moment I could loose my tight, but thin, grasp on my sanity that was pulling away with astronomical leverage. I knew he was missing something. He was wrong. I tried so hard to tell him, to tell others, but alas, the my not-actually-as-tight-as-I-had-thought grasp on sanity made this insanely difficult to communicate. ...which you think would be a clue. And I am certain it was... But him for me, that was the exchange, they felt was necessary. I would very much like to know who or what they thought were or exchanging with? Why the felt they could not protect both of us?
That, to me, is still a mystery.
...And stupid. It is also stupid to me.
And -just one more thing- reliving this story trying to get the help I need to stabilize and understand what is going on with my head, this far down the road and after so many failed attempts with the ones who should have known but didn't want to help me, is exhausting.
I am tired.
and they perpetuated harm.
again and again.
I will tell you it is mentally exhausting trying to explain myself. And truthfully I don't think I have ever sought as thorough help as I am now. I am tired. My brain is tired.
And I am tired of the flood of tears that comes so frequently and often unexpectedly. Today as I tried to rehash I remembered even more than I had when I was remembering and trying so hard, while also trying to protect, to help the Neuroscience Institute to see that I needed their help much more than I had realized or even wanted to admit to myself.
She is seeing me, and listening, and she is not trying to send me away because she thinks I am too much or she thinks that I will be fine because I have been able to manage... or because she is afraid of me.
She wants me to return in two weeks. She wants me to see a neurologist. She wants to help me find one because she does not think I should be left alone to handle this. She wants my records. She wants to know and understand and she wants to help me.
I hope that this time the medical helpers I am finding are sincere. That they won't break me more then abandon me.
PA-Looks-too-Young understands what I am talking about when I mention mania. She seems to understand that, while I was not hospitalized, it was hard on my brain. She seems to understand how I could seem so okay, and how it could be fun, exhilarating, and even how Dr. Cheri's not addressing it but rather addressing the transference countertransference topic could lead me to a different place but not solve the problem. She understands that I believed him and thought I was really going to be okay, that it was not mania, it was something else.
...But even then, I knew. I knew the up was too high and I could not maintain. I knew I would have to come down and as high as I was the down would be harsh. I knew I could not "not solve this" because if I stopped trying to solve for even a moment I could loose my tight, but thin, grasp on my sanity that was pulling away with astronomical leverage. I knew he was missing something. He was wrong. I tried so hard to tell him, to tell others, but alas, the my not-actually-as-tight-as-I-had-thought grasp on sanity made this insanely difficult to communicate. ...which you think would be a clue. And I am certain it was... But him for me, that was the exchange, they felt was necessary. I would very much like to know who or what they thought were or exchanging with? Why the felt they could not protect both of us?
That, to me, is still a mystery.
...And stupid. It is also stupid to me.
And -just one more thing- reliving this story trying to get the help I need to stabilize and understand what is going on with my head, this far down the road and after so many failed attempts with the ones who should have known but didn't want to help me, is exhausting.
I am tired.
and they perpetuated harm.
again and again.
Oh blessed sleep, please return.
I'm tired but awake. Not sleeping yet again. I have an appointment with the psychiatric PA-C tomorrow. My new Neuropsychologist suggested I go with the PA-C for now just to get me on a mood stabilizer and then we can find a good psychiatrist to follow through with longterm.
I am a bit nervous about this appointment so maybe that is why, even though I am tired, I am a bit keyed up and not sleeping.
I also started taking a new supplement. Actually two, one for adrenal support (my thyroid seems to need that extra help these days) and one for mood. Considering the chemistry and silly excited-like feelings I was experiencing today I am thinking the mood supplement might be a bad idea.
I took a melatonin going to bed because I felt a little extra keyed up and thought that may help. I seemed to be falling asleep but then, all of the sudden, I was awake and agitated. Not irritable and not angry, just agitated and kind of restless. Probably what restless leg syndrome feels like only in your whole body. I used to experience this from time to time in my younger years, but it had been a long time, until the car accident that is... Or was this one not until after the breaking of me by ex-therapist? I can't be certain. Fortunately it has not happened many times since the recent onset because it is terribly annoying (the restless leg in the whole body feeling). And as I am writing it out I am remembering that the Clonazepam helps with this, and oh yes, I had to use it maybe twice within the couple of months immediately following the car accident for this particular problem and then not again until after the ex-neuropsych breaking.
Anyway, I haven't taken that tonight (maybe I will) but first I tried sex. Fortunately I have a willing husband. That helped and I slept for bit. But not long enough. I woke again, this time feeling more like a real restless leg problem (not the whole body) except that it is the surgery ankle leg -the one that is taking it's sweet time to heal. It feels a little pained but mostly irritated; still, maybe ibuprofen will settle that and do the trick... It's had more than enough time to start working. It's not.
So here I am writing it out.
I'm in the thick of it again in a way. I am feeling mighty angry, or is it sad? about how I was treated by that whole damned institution that is supposed to see and help with problems like this. Stigmatized and ostracized. Conversations are replaying again as I try to figure out what I could have done differently, where I made mistakes. I made plenty. But the contradiction, the tragic irony, is that those should have been the red flags to them that suggested I was in a much worse place then I was letting on.
I have been managing this madness of mine for a long time, and I had gotten quite good at it. I also had outgrown a lot, even loosing touch with some of it. Which was nice. And still, I can proudly say I am still in many ways so much better off than I was in my younger years. I hope to God it stays that way and I start improving instead of continuing to digress. Again this is where I then get really frustrated because I was! Before he dropped me unexpectedly I was finally getting to the point where I could actually start processing some of this stuff. My restless leg reminds me of that. As the pain and discomfort now run the entire length of my leg I am reminded of the pains after the car accident and how it bothered me in different ways but I could not emotionally handle that and I felt small and insecure, not wanting to bother anybody or take advantage of the insurance company, or look like I was. I figured it was minor so it would heal and I worked it along, thinking I was being careful enough and utilizing my previous knowledge from sports, first aid, and ankle sprains to nurse it along. Until, finally, when I was really doing better, starting to build confidence, and having break through moments with the help of dear Dr. Cheri, I was like, "It has been over a year, why the hell haven't I had this looked at?"
... I found out that I needed surgery the very week Dr. Cheri decided to write me off with a long term plan due to the unfortunate human element that still exists in him and his profession... (the gist of his words).
I am pretty sure the news of the ankle is what put me over the manic edge. Or at least it is what switched it from heartbroken slightly crazy to full blown empowered manic crazy.
An empowered, magnificent and divine is how I returned to Dr. Cheri, mistakenly hung up on he. His mistake or mine? probably both. But that was not really the problem, at least not the worst of mine, now was it?
So here I am still stuck in it, though not nearly so "crazy" but finally to the point where I am willing to see the psychiatry people, now knowing Dr. Cheri was wrong, that is what it was. Yet he was accurate in his assessment that I did not need to be checked into a facility. However, my friends,- and I'll toot my own horn here (something I do not often do)- that is simply because I have become quit exceptional at managing some very intense psychology.
Sadly you cannot tell them that, [those who are in charge and paid to help you manage that], because they just don't get it and then they turn you into something you are not, basically claiming you to be delusional about how delusional you are; gaslighting what is already lit up just to cover their bases, It is, well, crazy!
I am a bit nervous about this appointment so maybe that is why, even though I am tired, I am a bit keyed up and not sleeping.
I also started taking a new supplement. Actually two, one for adrenal support (my thyroid seems to need that extra help these days) and one for mood. Considering the chemistry and silly excited-like feelings I was experiencing today I am thinking the mood supplement might be a bad idea.
I took a melatonin going to bed because I felt a little extra keyed up and thought that may help. I seemed to be falling asleep but then, all of the sudden, I was awake and agitated. Not irritable and not angry, just agitated and kind of restless. Probably what restless leg syndrome feels like only in your whole body. I used to experience this from time to time in my younger years, but it had been a long time, until the car accident that is... Or was this one not until after the breaking of me by ex-therapist? I can't be certain. Fortunately it has not happened many times since the recent onset because it is terribly annoying (the restless leg in the whole body feeling). And as I am writing it out I am remembering that the Clonazepam helps with this, and oh yes, I had to use it maybe twice within the couple of months immediately following the car accident for this particular problem and then not again until after the ex-neuropsych breaking.
Anyway, I haven't taken that tonight (maybe I will) but first I tried sex. Fortunately I have a willing husband. That helped and I slept for bit. But not long enough. I woke again, this time feeling more like a real restless leg problem (not the whole body) except that it is the surgery ankle leg -the one that is taking it's sweet time to heal. It feels a little pained but mostly irritated; still, maybe ibuprofen will settle that and do the trick... It's had more than enough time to start working. It's not.
So here I am writing it out.
I'm in the thick of it again in a way. I am feeling mighty angry, or is it sad? about how I was treated by that whole damned institution that is supposed to see and help with problems like this. Stigmatized and ostracized. Conversations are replaying again as I try to figure out what I could have done differently, where I made mistakes. I made plenty. But the contradiction, the tragic irony, is that those should have been the red flags to them that suggested I was in a much worse place then I was letting on.
I have been managing this madness of mine for a long time, and I had gotten quite good at it. I also had outgrown a lot, even loosing touch with some of it. Which was nice. And still, I can proudly say I am still in many ways so much better off than I was in my younger years. I hope to God it stays that way and I start improving instead of continuing to digress. Again this is where I then get really frustrated because I was! Before he dropped me unexpectedly I was finally getting to the point where I could actually start processing some of this stuff. My restless leg reminds me of that. As the pain and discomfort now run the entire length of my leg I am reminded of the pains after the car accident and how it bothered me in different ways but I could not emotionally handle that and I felt small and insecure, not wanting to bother anybody or take advantage of the insurance company, or look like I was. I figured it was minor so it would heal and I worked it along, thinking I was being careful enough and utilizing my previous knowledge from sports, first aid, and ankle sprains to nurse it along. Until, finally, when I was really doing better, starting to build confidence, and having break through moments with the help of dear Dr. Cheri, I was like, "It has been over a year, why the hell haven't I had this looked at?"
... I found out that I needed surgery the very week Dr. Cheri decided to write me off with a long term plan due to the unfortunate human element that still exists in him and his profession... (the gist of his words).
I am pretty sure the news of the ankle is what put me over the manic edge. Or at least it is what switched it from heartbroken slightly crazy to full blown empowered manic crazy.
An empowered, magnificent and divine is how I returned to Dr. Cheri, mistakenly hung up on he. His mistake or mine? probably both. But that was not really the problem, at least not the worst of mine, now was it?
So here I am still stuck in it, though not nearly so "crazy" but finally to the point where I am willing to see the psychiatry people, now knowing Dr. Cheri was wrong, that is what it was. Yet he was accurate in his assessment that I did not need to be checked into a facility. However, my friends,- and I'll toot my own horn here (something I do not often do)- that is simply because I have become quit exceptional at managing some very intense psychology.
Sadly you cannot tell them that, [those who are in charge and paid to help you manage that], because they just don't get it and then they turn you into something you are not, basically claiming you to be delusional about how delusional you are; gaslighting what is already lit up just to cover their bases, It is, well, crazy!
Tuesday, August 20, 2019
Run, Run as fast as you can, you can't catch me, nobody can!
Sometimes I get tired of thinking about me. This blog is all about me. So if you read it you likely think that is what I am all about. And, right now, you might be right.
But I am sometimes fascinated by myself also, it is interesting how my brain works and I wonder how others work. How are they similar? How are they different?
At physical therapy I had enjoyable conversations with my therapist and another patient who reminds me a bit of my friend Bob (I hope Bob doesn't mind that I use his real name, but it is such a good name, and for sure Bob will me know if he minds). I am a bit younger then both men and fake Bob thinks I am much younger than I am, which always makes it more fun.
The conversation today was mostly on interesting cultural attitudes, specifically on work, and education came up. I have a lot to offer to the conversation and fake Bob enjoys it so much he wants to schedule his appointments at the same time as mine. I am sure he will not, in real life, but the thought and appreciation is nice. I am reminded that I do have value. I do contribute to this world even it I am an outlier, a true and not-trying-to-be nonconformist, and my contributions are atypical and (unfortunate for me) not easy to make money on.
We are speaking on education and observations that the smartest is not always the best. That being top of the class can actually contribute to a an inability to think outside the box and creatively problem solve. I point out that fake Bob's inability to problem solve in some area's may be directly linked to the methodologies he was schooled with in his youth; how we are far too often taught in schools that there is only one right answer and that if you don't get it right the first time you have failed and there are no second chances (especially on tests). There are many things like this in our school systems that are not reflective of real life.
This theory makes sense to fake Bob. He tells me about his son. I want to tell him about a book that would be very helpful. I can't remember the name. I am causing a lag in the conversation trying to remember. I manage to remember the author; Carol Dweck. I have no idea how, I am even worse with names. But I cannot remember the title in the midst of this conversation. My mind is moving too fast. I know tricks to help me when this happens, if I relax for a minute and clear my mind it will usually come. I am struggling though, my mind is moving too fast to relax. "It'll come," I remind myself and I am certain, but how is this simple title so very lost?
It's a moment where I am both frustrated and fascinated with the inner workings of my brain. I remember this feeling, and in a way it is both good and bad, scary but also invigorating. It is scary because I don't like when I feel memory going and I have a hard time with recalling the simple. It may be a bit scary because of how fast my mind is working. Is it the start of racing thoughts? But, no, I am not scared of that because I know this kind of speed it is familiar in a good way because I am alive again. I am something else again. Excited and passionate. I am starting to break free of the new crazy that has had me so trapped. This old crazy is not crazy but just difficult. Difficult because I can't keep up with myself. I have been this way before. I have been this way for a long time. It is funny how this very difficult aspect of me is like a cherished visit from a long lost friend in my moment of frustration with it.
The conversation went on as I gave up on the task of finding the title, and then, just like magic, there is was, the title "Growth Mindset." (and funny in that moment just now, I lost it again, had to stop shut my eyes and relax to get it back).
Ahh the brain. It is such a fascinating thing.
How does yours work? Does yours work like mine?
But I am sometimes fascinated by myself also, it is interesting how my brain works and I wonder how others work. How are they similar? How are they different?
At physical therapy I had enjoyable conversations with my therapist and another patient who reminds me a bit of my friend Bob (I hope Bob doesn't mind that I use his real name, but it is such a good name, and for sure Bob will me know if he minds). I am a bit younger then both men and fake Bob thinks I am much younger than I am, which always makes it more fun.
The conversation today was mostly on interesting cultural attitudes, specifically on work, and education came up. I have a lot to offer to the conversation and fake Bob enjoys it so much he wants to schedule his appointments at the same time as mine. I am sure he will not, in real life, but the thought and appreciation is nice. I am reminded that I do have value. I do contribute to this world even it I am an outlier, a true and not-trying-to-be nonconformist, and my contributions are atypical and (unfortunate for me) not easy to make money on.
We are speaking on education and observations that the smartest is not always the best. That being top of the class can actually contribute to a an inability to think outside the box and creatively problem solve. I point out that fake Bob's inability to problem solve in some area's may be directly linked to the methodologies he was schooled with in his youth; how we are far too often taught in schools that there is only one right answer and that if you don't get it right the first time you have failed and there are no second chances (especially on tests). There are many things like this in our school systems that are not reflective of real life.
This theory makes sense to fake Bob. He tells me about his son. I want to tell him about a book that would be very helpful. I can't remember the name. I am causing a lag in the conversation trying to remember. I manage to remember the author; Carol Dweck. I have no idea how, I am even worse with names. But I cannot remember the title in the midst of this conversation. My mind is moving too fast. I know tricks to help me when this happens, if I relax for a minute and clear my mind it will usually come. I am struggling though, my mind is moving too fast to relax. "It'll come," I remind myself and I am certain, but how is this simple title so very lost?
It's a moment where I am both frustrated and fascinated with the inner workings of my brain. I remember this feeling, and in a way it is both good and bad, scary but also invigorating. It is scary because I don't like when I feel memory going and I have a hard time with recalling the simple. It may be a bit scary because of how fast my mind is working. Is it the start of racing thoughts? But, no, I am not scared of that because I know this kind of speed it is familiar in a good way because I am alive again. I am something else again. Excited and passionate. I am starting to break free of the new crazy that has had me so trapped. This old crazy is not crazy but just difficult. Difficult because I can't keep up with myself. I have been this way before. I have been this way for a long time. It is funny how this very difficult aspect of me is like a cherished visit from a long lost friend in my moment of frustration with it.
The conversation went on as I gave up on the task of finding the title, and then, just like magic, there is was, the title "Growth Mindset." (and funny in that moment just now, I lost it again, had to stop shut my eyes and relax to get it back).
Ahh the brain. It is such a fascinating thing.
How does yours work? Does yours work like mine?
Monday, August 19, 2019
Eddy Swirls with Silly Girls.
Sooo, I'll be honest -shocker, I know- I question therapy.
Right now I have to question my new therapist because I am likely to get too attached too quick and screw things up. "I am really good at that," I think. But then I run the risk of self sabotaging in the pendulum swing of the opposite direction.
And really I am only thinking this because I am trying to solve again.
Which he told me not to do.
He is like a god, as I worship, wish to return to, and still hang on his every word and I hate myself for it. ahh the mind traps I am letting flow freely out on this blog. stupid me
but again, that is a negative thinking rut I am getting pulled back into and it will not help me... or will it?
I don't even know anymore. I was thinking to say that I enjoy trying to solve and as I do things make some sense, and more sense, and I scrutinize myself.
Yet I can't quite handle it, as you can see, my mind so easily goes quite crazy. Even though just a literal moment ago I was sound and sane and it was making sense to me as I was figuring things out.
Why is that?
Is this what happens to everyone who tries to solve things of this nature? or is it my lowered cognitive stamina due to TBI and emotional trauma? Is that just a load of crap? Or is it that I am mentally weak or unskilled in structure, organization and self discipline?
I don't know and now that I have this little mess of mental knots all pulled out, though it may not be entirely straightened out yet, I think I'll set that aside and get to my point; Why I came her in the first place. Actually, I suppose that is still part of the point because today I came her to self scrutinize as I try to solve, -oh but have no fear I am certain I will still turn this into it being the God of Therapy's fault ... because he accepts non and I am still mad. You see, self sabotaging and what ever the hell is going on in my brain is so stupid I'm letting it spill out in hopes that I'll be rid of it. So there you go, I digress yet again in my personal scrutiny.
But before I go there I want to scrutinize and maybe even criticize this article: https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/therapy/how-to-identify-the-signs-of-countertransference-in-therapy/
I will say, going back to it I find my scrutiny pacified a bit. First here is what I got hung up on: "Your therapist's job is to remain impartial throughout your sessions. They are there to help you through your situation and to do that they need to keep their own experiences out of your sessions. They should not be passing judgment on you or anyone else in your life. If they do, it can be easy for them to lead you into thinking certain things that you might not have arrived at on your own."
Now the reason this bothers me is two fold: first and foremost why on earth would I want to pay for therapy that is NOT going to lead me in to certain thinking I might not have arrived at on my own? Isn't that exactly why people go, to help them change their thinking and arrive at a place we could not get to on our own? And I don't want a completely impartial therapist. I want him/her to have opinions and thoughts based on their education, training and even their own personal beliefs and I want them to share them when appropriate and when I ask. I'm even okay with them sharing them when it is not appropriate because then I can know if they are a good fit for me or not.
I mean, I get it, but I don't at the same time. And I think it is thoroughly stupid for us and them to try to completely dehumanize themselves like this. Which leads me to my second issue with this statement (which ironically may suggest a form of counter-transference I am experiencing in reading this article): I have read so much psychology crap that is like, "the therapist is to withhold all human emotions, and have no judgement and opinion and if they do they are harming the client..." blah blah as if they are supposed to be a completely empty vessel that we fill with all of our grievances and they simply take it, listen, wash away our sins, and then allow us to walk away completely blameless and healed of all hurt and pain because we have been validated by the uninterested and unemotional therapist, that has somehow magically connected with us without letting us know nothing about them. What a load of shit.
So, yeah, definitely some sort of countertransference happening there as I read that because this article is really not saying that but rather it seems just a hint or nod to that line of thinking.
And that is my scrutiny to be followed with mycountertransference style personal experience [and probably hypocritical on some level considering my previous grievance] complete agreement with this following statement from said article:
"If they are putting their emotion onto you, then you end up with another problem to have to overcome. You can't work through your feelings, emotions, and situations when you have to sort through the emotions your therapist is putting on you as well."
So much more true than you can know if you have not experienced this personally. And really I don't mind this, if they stick around until it is worked through [so maybe I am not so hypocritical after all]. But if they put that on you then abandon ship, you are hopelessly lost trying to sort through the emotions that may not even be your own; sucked into the swirling eddy caused by the emergent obstacles of transference and countertransference in the sea of psychology.
That is actually a really good analogy on many levels; like how the captain of the ship has abandoned and the ship is powerless without the captain. I'm pathetic, I tell you.... but if what they say about the therapist being in a position of power is true than this is an accurate analogy. "Oh captain, my captain"
but again, that is a negative thinking rut I am getting pulled back into and it will not help me... or will it?
I don't even know anymore. I was thinking to say that I enjoy trying to solve and as I do things make some sense, and more sense, and I scrutinize myself.
Yet I can't quite handle it, as you can see, my mind so easily goes quite crazy. Even though just a literal moment ago I was sound and sane and it was making sense to me as I was figuring things out.
Why is that?
Is this what happens to everyone who tries to solve things of this nature? or is it my lowered cognitive stamina due to TBI and emotional trauma? Is that just a load of crap? Or is it that I am mentally weak or unskilled in structure, organization and self discipline?
I don't know and now that I have this little mess of mental knots all pulled out, though it may not be entirely straightened out yet, I think I'll set that aside and get to my point; Why I came her in the first place. Actually, I suppose that is still part of the point because today I came her to self scrutinize as I try to solve, -oh but have no fear I am certain I will still turn this into it being the God of Therapy's fault ... because he accepts non and I am still mad. You see, self sabotaging and what ever the hell is going on in my brain is so stupid I'm letting it spill out in hopes that I'll be rid of it. So there you go, I digress yet again in my personal scrutiny.
But before I go there I want to scrutinize and maybe even criticize this article: https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/therapy/how-to-identify-the-signs-of-countertransference-in-therapy/
I will say, going back to it I find my scrutiny pacified a bit. First here is what I got hung up on: "Your therapist's job is to remain impartial throughout your sessions. They are there to help you through your situation and to do that they need to keep their own experiences out of your sessions. They should not be passing judgment on you or anyone else in your life. If they do, it can be easy for them to lead you into thinking certain things that you might not have arrived at on your own."
Now the reason this bothers me is two fold: first and foremost why on earth would I want to pay for therapy that is NOT going to lead me in to certain thinking I might not have arrived at on my own? Isn't that exactly why people go, to help them change their thinking and arrive at a place we could not get to on our own? And I don't want a completely impartial therapist. I want him/her to have opinions and thoughts based on their education, training and even their own personal beliefs and I want them to share them when appropriate and when I ask. I'm even okay with them sharing them when it is not appropriate because then I can know if they are a good fit for me or not.
I mean, I get it, but I don't at the same time. And I think it is thoroughly stupid for us and them to try to completely dehumanize themselves like this. Which leads me to my second issue with this statement (which ironically may suggest a form of counter-transference I am experiencing in reading this article): I have read so much psychology crap that is like, "the therapist is to withhold all human emotions, and have no judgement and opinion and if they do they are harming the client..." blah blah as if they are supposed to be a completely empty vessel that we fill with all of our grievances and they simply take it, listen, wash away our sins, and then allow us to walk away completely blameless and healed of all hurt and pain because we have been validated by the uninterested and unemotional therapist, that has somehow magically connected with us without letting us know nothing about them. What a load of shit.
So, yeah, definitely some sort of countertransference happening there as I read that because this article is really not saying that but rather it seems just a hint or nod to that line of thinking.
And that is my scrutiny to be followed with my
"If they are putting their emotion onto you, then you end up with another problem to have to overcome. You can't work through your feelings, emotions, and situations when you have to sort through the emotions your therapist is putting on you as well."
So much more true than you can know if you have not experienced this personally. And really I don't mind this, if they stick around until it is worked through [so maybe I am not so hypocritical after all]. But if they put that on you then abandon ship, you are hopelessly lost trying to sort through the emotions that may not even be your own; sucked into the swirling eddy caused by the emergent obstacles of transference and countertransference in the sea of psychology.
That is actually a really good analogy on many levels; like how the captain of the ship has abandoned and the ship is powerless without the captain. I'm pathetic, I tell you.... but if what they say about the therapist being in a position of power is true than this is an accurate analogy. "Oh captain, my captain"
and, oh yes, that is a nod to the movie Dead Poets Society; a movie about emotional intensities and even suicide! hah. so funny -not funny,- no, it's freaking hilarious- and by saying this I ensure my survival; this is how I utilize Murphy's law coupled with my own analysis philosophy of "I'd rather say it and be wrong then not say it and be right." So it's clever and funny; if you get me, anyway, which I'm thinking many people do not.
It seems again I digress but alas it is the perfect lead in to my personal scrutiny. I read this article also: http://drjasonjones.com/dark_psychology/ and then his next: http://drjasonjones.com/how-to-avoid-being-manipulated/ and I find that I do have a tendency to "Love Flood" but is it manipulation if you genuinely feel that way?
...Oh new captain, my captain?
It seems again I digress but alas it is the perfect lead in to my personal scrutiny. I read this article also: http://drjasonjones.com/dark_psychology/ and then his next: http://drjasonjones.com/how-to-avoid-being-manipulated/ and I find that I do have a tendency to "Love Flood" but is it manipulation if you genuinely feel that way?
And then their is this term "Semantic Manipulation – Using words that are assumed to have a common or mutual definition, yet the manipulator later tells you he or she has a different definition and understanding of the conversation. This is often used in a negotiation to create a sense of agreement by both parties, but the manipulator will later explain that his/her understanding of the words used was different than the other party, thus excusing the breach of the agreement. Words are powerful and important"
this one bothers me because I think it appears that I do this when I do not. I will admit I have been careful to word things occasionally that allows the listener to assume what they want. I have used that technique... but not intentionally in a long while. Mostly I try to be conscientious of what I say but I make mistakes so frequently in this area, especially if I get lax or am under stress. That is when my language skills deceive even myself. I think this would be easy to accuse me of. It may be why I tend to get overly wordy and try to over explain. That doesn't always help though, for a few reasons: 1. because sometimes people are going to hear what they want to hear and they will not change their opinion regardless. 2. they think you are back peddling 3. I suppose they think you are doing exactly this and then, to them you are simply proving their point, (so #3 is kind of an extension of #1) or 4. I just make too many mistakes in my communication, so the more words I speak the more I increase my odds of making mistakes like this, again and again.
It is the one area that most frustrates me in the final communications I had with Captain Therapist God because these are all things I said but I think may have had a very different meaning to him: "What should I do about my husband?" "I think we are off track," "People are afraid of me," "I don't have the same boundaries," "I fall in love with people all of the time, this is not an uncommon theme with me, but you are something special, you are something different," "I can't loose you right now," "You are like a Christmas present I have been looking forward to getting but now I have to give you away to more needy kids?" "If you can't be my friend that I'm not coming back to you as my therapist," "I have needed you since I was 12,"- really, that last one should not be so difficult to interpret if he remembered anything about me... but alas, I am not so sure he did and I am can't especially blame him, he's got plenty to remember.
It is the one area that most frustrates me in the final communications I had with Captain Therapist God because these are all things I said but I think may have had a very different meaning to him: "What should I do about my husband?" "I think we are off track," "People are afraid of me," "I don't have the same boundaries," "I fall in love with people all of the time, this is not an uncommon theme with me, but you are something special, you are something different," "I can't loose you right now," "You are like a Christmas present I have been looking forward to getting but now I have to give you away to more needy kids?" "If you can't be my friend that I'm not coming back to you as my therapist," "I have needed you since I was 12,"- really, that last one should not be so difficult to interpret if he remembered anything about me... but alas, I am not so sure he did and I am can't especially blame him, he's got plenty to remember.
But the evidence that I was not trying to semantically manipulate was in the moment I knew I was maybe influencing his mind, -when I felt I was either strengthening his resolve or weakening it- in that moment I decided it was time to go, because I did not want to manipulate that decision, his decision to be my friend. So I ended it. ...which may be a manipulation itself. However he did tell me he was going to let me burn out... and suggested I do the same ...let me burn out?.. so maybe it was him manipulating? I don't know.
...See I needed the stupid captain on board and in control, because I sure as hell was not.
the end.
abrupt and sad and angry again, right back in the eddy... How the hell do I get out of this eddy without a captain and how the hell can I do it even with a captain that is not willing to steer the ship away from itself?
so the end
I've got better things to do with my time... If my damn sinking head will let me
...Oh new captain, my captain?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)