Oh blessed sleep, please return.

I'm tired but awake. Not sleeping yet again. I have an appointment with the psychiatric PA-C tomorrow. My new Neuropsychologist suggested I go with the PA-C for now just to get me on a mood stabilizer and then we can find a good psychiatrist to follow through with longterm.
I am a bit nervous about this appointment so maybe that is why, even though I am tired, I am a bit keyed up and not sleeping.
I also started taking a new supplement. Actually two, one for adrenal support (my thyroid seems to need that extra help these days) and one for mood. Considering the chemistry and silly excited-like feelings I was experiencing today I am thinking the mood supplement might be a bad idea.
I took a melatonin going to bed because I felt a little extra keyed up and thought that may help. I seemed to be falling asleep but then, all of the sudden, I was awake and agitated. Not irritable and not angry, just agitated and kind of restless. Probably what restless leg syndrome feels like only in your whole body. I used to experience this from time to time in my younger years, but it had been a long time, until the car accident that is... Or was this one not until after the breaking of me by ex-therapist? I can't be certain. Fortunately it has not happened many times since the recent onset because it is terribly annoying (the restless leg in the whole body feeling). And as I am writing it out I am remembering that the Clonazepam helps with this, and oh yes, I had to use it maybe twice within the couple of months immediately following the car accident for this particular problem and then not again until after the ex-neuropsych breaking.
Anyway, I haven't taken that tonight (maybe I will) but first I tried sex. Fortunately I have a willing husband. That helped and I slept for bit. But not long enough. I woke again, this time feeling more like a real restless leg problem (not the whole body) except that it is the surgery ankle leg -the one that is taking it's sweet time to heal. It feels a little pained but mostly irritated; still, maybe ibuprofen will settle that and do the trick... It's had more than enough time to start working. It's not.
So here I am writing it out.
I'm in the thick of it again in a way. I am feeling mighty angry, or is it sad? about how I was treated by that whole damned institution that is supposed to see and help with problems like this. Stigmatized and ostracized. Conversations are replaying again as I try to figure out what I could have done differently, where I made mistakes. I made plenty. But the contradiction, the tragic irony, is that those should have been the red flags to them that suggested I was in a much worse place then I was letting on.
I have been managing this madness of mine for a long time, and I had gotten quite good at it. I also had outgrown a lot, even loosing touch with some of it. Which was nice. And still, I can proudly say I am still in many ways so much better off than I was in my younger years. I hope to God it stays that way and I start improving instead of continuing to digress. Again this is where I then get really frustrated because I was! Before he dropped me unexpectedly I was finally getting to the point where I could actually start processing some of this stuff. My restless leg reminds me of that. As the pain and discomfort now run the entire length of my leg I am reminded of the pains after the car accident and how it bothered me in different ways but I could not emotionally handle that and I felt small and insecure, not wanting to bother anybody or take advantage of the insurance company, or look like I was. I figured it was minor so it would heal and I worked it along, thinking I was being careful enough and utilizing my previous knowledge from sports, first aid, and ankle sprains to nurse it along. Until, finally, when I was really doing better, starting to build confidence, and having break through moments with the help of dear Dr. Cheri, I was like, "It has been over a year, why the hell haven't I had this looked at?"
... I found out that I needed surgery the very week Dr. Cheri decided to write me off with a long term plan due to the unfortunate human element that still exists in him and his profession... (the gist of his words).
I am pretty sure the news of the ankle is what put me over the manic edge. Or at least it is what switched it from heartbroken slightly crazy to full blown empowered manic crazy.
An empowered, magnificent and divine is how I returned to Dr. Cheri, mistakenly hung up on he. His mistake or mine? probably both. But that was not really the problem, at least not the worst of mine, now was it?
So here I am still stuck in it, though not nearly so "crazy" but finally to the point where I am willing to see the psychiatry people, now knowing Dr. Cheri was wrong, that is what it was. Yet he was accurate in his assessment that I did not need to be checked into a facility. However, my friends,- and I'll toot my own horn here (something I do not often do)- that is simply because I have become quit exceptional at managing some very intense psychology.
Sadly you cannot tell them that, [those who are in charge and paid to help you manage that], because they just don't get it and then they turn you into something you are not, basically claiming you to be delusional about how delusional you are; gaslighting what is already lit up just to cover their bases, It is, well, crazy!

Run, Run as fast as you can, you can't catch me, nobody can!

Sometimes I get tired of thinking about me. This blog is all about me. So if you read it you likely think that is what I am all about. And, right now, you might be right.
But I am sometimes fascinated by myself also, it is interesting how my brain works and I wonder how others work. How are they similar? How are they different?
At physical therapy I had enjoyable conversations with my therapist and another patient who reminds me a bit of my friend Bob (I hope Bob doesn't mind that I use his real name, but it is such a good name, and for sure Bob will me know if he minds). I am a bit younger then both men and fake Bob thinks I am much younger than I am, which always makes it more fun.
The conversation today was mostly on interesting cultural attitudes, specifically on work, and education came up. I have a lot to offer to the conversation and fake Bob enjoys it so much he wants to schedule his appointments at the same time as mine. I am sure he will not, in real life, but the thought and appreciation is nice. I am reminded that I do have value. I do contribute to this world even it I am an outlier, a true and not-trying-to-be nonconformist, and my contributions are atypical and (unfortunate for me) not easy to make money on.
We are speaking on education and observations that the smartest is not always the best. That being top of the class can actually contribute to a an inability to think outside the box and creatively problem solve. I point out that fake Bob's inability to problem solve in some area's may be directly linked to the methodologies he was schooled with in his youth; how we are far too often taught in schools that there is only one right answer and that if you don't get it right the first time you have failed and there are no second chances (especially on tests). There are many things like this in our school systems that are not reflective of real life.
This theory makes sense to fake Bob. He tells me about his son. I want to tell him about a book that would be very helpful. I can't remember the name. I am causing a lag in the conversation trying to remember. I manage to remember the author; Carol Dweck. I have no idea how, I am even worse with names. But I cannot remember the title in the midst of this conversation. My mind is moving too fast. I know tricks to help me when this happens, if I relax for a minute and clear my mind it will usually come. I am struggling though, my mind is moving too fast to relax. "It'll come," I remind myself and I am certain, but how is this simple title so very lost?
It's a moment where I am both frustrated and fascinated with the inner workings of my brain. I remember this feeling, and in a way it is both good and bad, scary but also invigorating. It is scary because I don't like when I feel memory going and I have a hard time with recalling the simple. It may be a bit scary because of how fast my mind is working. Is it the start of racing thoughts? But, no, I am not scared of that because I know this kind of speed it is familiar in a good way because I am alive again. I am something else again. Excited and passionate. I am starting to break free of the new crazy that has had me so trapped. This old crazy is not crazy but just difficult. Difficult because I can't keep up with myself. I have been this way before. I have been this way for a long time. It is funny how this very difficult aspect of me is like a cherished visit from a long lost friend in my moment of frustration with it.
The conversation went on as I gave up on the task of finding the title, and then, just like magic, there is was, the title "Growth Mindset." (and funny in that moment just now, I lost it again, had to stop shut my eyes and relax to get it back).
Ahh the brain. It is such a fascinating thing.
How does yours work? Does yours work like mine?

Eddy Swirls with Silly Girls.

Sooo, I'll be honest -shocker, I know- I question therapy.
Right now I have to question my new therapist because I am likely to get too attached too quick and screw things up. "I am really good at that," I think. But then I run the risk of self sabotaging in the pendulum swing of the opposite direction.
And really I am only thinking this because I am trying to solve again.
Which he told me not to do.

He is like a god, as I worship, wish to return to, and still hang on his every word and I hate myself for it. ahh the mind traps I am letting flow freely out on this blog. stupid me
but again, that is a negative thinking rut I am getting pulled back into and it will not help me... or will it?
I don't even know anymore. I was thinking to say that I enjoy trying to solve and as I do things make some sense, and more sense, and I scrutinize myself.
Yet I can't quite handle it, as you can see, my mind so easily goes quite crazy. Even though just a literal moment ago I was sound and sane and it was making sense to me as I was figuring things out.

Why is that?
Is this what happens to everyone who tries to solve things of this nature? or is it my lowered cognitive stamina due to TBI and emotional trauma? Is that just a load of crap? Or is it that I am mentally weak or unskilled in structure, organization and self discipline?

I don't know and now that I have this little mess of mental knots all pulled out, though it may not be entirely straightened out yet, I think I'll set that aside and get to my point; Why I came her in the first place. Actually, I suppose that is still part of the point because today I came her to self scrutinize as I try to solve, -oh but have no fear I am certain I will still turn this into it being the God of Therapy's fault ... because he accepts non and I am still mad. You see, self sabotaging and what ever the hell is going on in my brain is so stupid I'm letting it spill out in hopes that I'll be rid of it. So there you go, I digress yet again in my personal scrutiny.

But before I go there I want to scrutinize and maybe even criticize this article: https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/therapy/how-to-identify-the-signs-of-countertransference-in-therapy/

I will say, going back to it I find my scrutiny pacified a bit. First here is what I got hung up on: "Your therapist's job is to remain impartial throughout your sessions. They are there to help you through your situation and to do that they need to keep their own experiences out of your sessions. They should not be passing judgment on you or anyone else in your life. If they do, it can be easy for them to lead you into thinking certain things that you might not have arrived at on your own."

Now the reason this bothers me is two fold: first and foremost why on earth would I want to pay for therapy that is NOT going to lead me in to certain thinking I might not have arrived at on my own? Isn't that exactly why people go, to help them change their thinking and arrive at a place we could not get to on our own? And I don't want a completely impartial therapist. I want him/her to have opinions and thoughts based on their education, training and even their own personal beliefs and I want them to share them when appropriate and when I ask. I'm even okay with them sharing them when it is not appropriate because then I can know if they are a good fit for me or not.

I mean, I get it, but I don't at the same time. And I think it is thoroughly stupid for us and them to try to completely dehumanize themselves like this.  Which leads me to my second issue with this statement (which ironically may suggest a form of counter-transference I am experiencing in reading this article): I have read so much psychology crap that is like, "the therapist is to withhold all human emotions, and have no judgement and opinion and if they do they are harming the client..." blah blah as if they are supposed to be a completely empty vessel that we fill with all of our grievances and they simply take it, listen, wash away our sins, and then allow us to walk away completely blameless and healed of all hurt and pain because we have been validated by the uninterested and unemotional therapist, that has somehow magically connected with us without letting us know nothing about them. What a load of shit.

So, yeah, definitely some sort of countertransference happening there as I read that because this article is really not saying that but rather it seems just a hint or nod to that line of thinking.

And that is my scrutiny to be followed with my countertransference style personal experience [and probably hypocritical on some level considering my previous grievance] complete agreement with this following statement from said article:
"If they are putting their emotion onto you, then you end up with another problem to have to overcome. You can't work through your feelings, emotions, and situations when you have to sort through the emotions your therapist is putting on you as well."
So much more true than you can know if you have not experienced this personally. And really I don't mind this, if they stick around until it is worked through [so maybe I am not so hypocritical after all]. But if they put that on you then abandon ship, you are hopelessly lost trying to sort through the emotions that may not even be your own; sucked into the swirling eddy caused by the emergent obstacles of transference and countertransference in the sea of psychology.
That is actually a really good analogy on many levels; like how the captain of the ship has abandoned and the ship is powerless without the captain. I'm pathetic, I tell you.... but if what they say about the therapist being in a position of power is true than this is an accurate analogy. "Oh captain, my captain" 

and, oh yes, that is a nod to the movie Dead Poets Society; a movie about emotional intensities and even suicide! hah. so funny -not funny,- no, it's freaking hilarious- and by saying this I ensure my survival; this is how I utilize Murphy's law coupled with my own analysis philosophy of "I'd rather say it and be wrong then not say it and be right." So it's clever and funny; if you get me, anyway, which I'm thinking many people do not.
It seems again I digress but alas it is the perfect lead in to my personal scrutiny. I read this article also: http://drjasonjones.com/dark_psychology/ and then his next: http://drjasonjones.com/how-to-avoid-being-manipulated/ and I find that I do have a tendency to "Love Flood" but is it manipulation if you genuinely feel that way?

And then their is this term "Semantic Manipulation – Using words that are assumed to have a common or mutual definition, yet the manipulator later tells you he or she has a different definition and understanding of the conversation. This is often used in a negotiation to create a sense of agreement by both parties, but the manipulator will later explain that his/her understanding of the words used was different than the other party, thus excusing the breach of the agreement. Words are powerful and important" 

this one bothers me because I think it appears that I do this when I do not. I will admit I have been careful to word things occasionally that allows the listener to assume what they want. I have used that technique... but not intentionally in a long while. Mostly I try to be conscientious of what I say but I make mistakes so frequently in this area, especially if I get lax or am under stress. That is when my language skills deceive even myself. I think this would be easy to accuse me of. It may be why I tend to get overly wordy and try to over explain. That doesn't always help though, for a few reasons: 1. because sometimes people are going to hear what they want to hear and they will not change their opinion regardless. 2. they think you are back peddling 3. I suppose they think you are doing exactly this and then, to them you are simply proving their point, (so #3 is kind of an extension of #1) or 4. I just make too many mistakes in my communication, so the more words I speak the more I increase my odds of making mistakes like this, again and again.
It is the one area that most frustrates me in the final communications I had with Captain Therapist God because these are all things I said but I think may have had a very different meaning to him: "What should I do about my husband?" "I think we are off track," "People are afraid of me," "I don't have the same boundaries," "I fall in love with people all of the time, this is not an uncommon theme with me, but you are something special, you are something different," "I can't loose you right now," "You are like a Christmas present I have been looking forward to getting but now I have to give you away to more needy kids?" "If you can't be my friend that I'm not coming back to you as my therapist," "I have needed you since I was 12,"- really, that last one should not be so difficult to interpret if he remembered anything about me... but alas, I am not so sure he did and I am can't especially blame him, he's got plenty to remember. 

But the evidence that I was not trying to semantically manipulate was in the moment I knew I was maybe influencing his mind, -when I felt I was either strengthening his resolve or weakening it- in that moment I decided it was time to go, because I did not want to manipulate that decision, his decision to be my friend. So I ended it. ...which may be a manipulation itself. However he did tell me he was going to let me burn out... and suggested I do the same ...let me burn out?.. so maybe it was him manipulating? I don't know.

...See I needed the stupid captain on board and in control, because I sure as hell was not. 

the end.

abrupt and sad and angry again, right back in the eddy... How the hell do I get out of this eddy without a captain and how the hell can I do it even with a captain that is not willing to steer the ship away from itself?

so the end

I've got better things to do with my time... If my damn sinking head will let me

...Oh new captain, my captain?

Angry with Intermountain Health Care

Right now I feel mad.
He is in my head. I am trying to get him out. I thought of yet another possible solution... and wanted to see his face, to see if that is really what I felt. It was a nice solution. A maybe-I-don't-need-to-file-that-complaint solution.
I found a blog. About head injury. He is doing this thing..., is active in that community. And it made me hurt and angry. And I don't even know why... I wanted to throw my phone at the door. I decided to let myself. I have not indulged in the anger I have felt. I have suppressed that a lot. I have kept that in check. I have not even felt it a lot, but I am angry. Maybe increasingly so as I am still stuck in this shitty hell hole of fucked up. And I didn't even get to indulge in the immoral pleasure of literally.  I only got the brain fuck. -Now that's warped and angry me coming out unexpectedly-
But I'll let it be.
Back to angry, throw-my-phone kind of angry, which by-the-way I have never done before just now...
Why does this make me angry?
Of course he is actively involved in that community, it is his job, his specialty.
That is why! because I am not allowed. I am banished and exiled. It is now dually painful to be involved and if I did show up at an event he was attending, I would absolutely confront him. I want him to face me. And, do you know what would most likely happen, do you know the reality of what he would do? He'd try to turn it into me pursuing him. Slap me with a retraining order. I know how these things work and he has already shown he will protect himself and cover his ass, hide his mistakes no matter the cost to me. That is what I suspect. And is it worth it? to force him to face me?
Maybe I really wouldn't. Maybe I would just vomit and leave, in reality. That is not super likely though, because I hardly ever puke.
Mostly I am angry because his life goes on. He gets to enjoy his career and his stability while I am an unemployable mess. I am lost in what to do with myself and I am reminded of the hope that was so selfishly pulled out from under me.
the lost hope of; I had found my place in the world, my life was starting to make sense and I trusted them so completely. I was finding my strength... Only to be ostracized and then exiled without even the follow through on the promised help of finding another team to fall back on. Nothing.
Oh, no wait, not nothing. I still have the bills to pay.
and my broken heart and the map of gold to remind me that all the good things I learned now hurt like hell so even taking care of myself in the researched most productive of ways will wreck havoc on my psyche.
Yes. I am angry
Angry and fighting
-this IHC bullshit fertilized battle in my head
**and when I have to fill out paperwork for my new providers, -the psychiatry they felt I should seek (and I should) -but they did not want to help me find- I have to explain past traumas. HOW THE HELL DO I EXPLAIN THIS? "he lost objectivity, and I lost my support and my mind" I guess that about summarizes this...

the evolving catastrophe of the Big Bang

Painting you become the god of your own world.

Mine are messy and disorderly but interesting.

I imagine if the Big Bang theory is correct worlds started something like the painted worlds that I am god to.

I am certain I will loose interest before my paintings ever evolve into beautiful orderly forms that make sense to others and work in a systematic, esthetically pleasing, anthropomorphic ways.

...Which is why I am not a god

and might not wish to be

big bang messy me, organized chaos, primitive personality

I am okay being human today.


**and just like my title, somethings I write really aren't meant to be that deep, but rather are funny to me and that is all. 

Cat- ass-trophy. Why is that so funny to me?

My daughter wanted me to paint with cat on my mind. I tried.
then I cried because cat is not what is in my brain.
I try to paint cat but it's turning into just that
me trying to paint a cat
but this is not how it works for me
because I am not a painter, an artist, or skilled.
I am form free
painting just for me
letting myself play with paint
and sometimes something comes out that is beautiful or interesting
even if it is that only to my daughter and me.
But even though she has loved my "raw" (her words) art
I cannot paint it for her. I can only paint what I feel. or what I play.
And I feel...
He
Sad
because he is gone.
and mad
because he played
and used me.
and mad at me
because I screw everything up
even if it is not really my fault
I know that it is
labels
they will give me and then use against me.
I am sad and mad and angry
hurt and messy
I want so badly for this to be over; this to be gone
but it is not
 and the reality
is tragedy
a magic eraser cased in metal would clear it
but that is stupidity
and not me
at all
I want to be alive again
and the free
I had so close to me.
I want to be the free to be me
the illusion
he was selling me
...so
sad bad mad
and even strangely glad
but mostly
repressed
and not allowed to let things be what they needed to be
to see what they were
to know what I was and what was happening.
Suppressed
repressed
digressed
and now
bullshit depressed
so this is a fun weird post...

...and my painting is "merely abandoned"
and I am tired but feeling more rational again.
I have this luxury
and it is a luxury
so why not indulge?
I keep chasing my tail, trying to be so many things. For others? or for me?
constantly failing. while not enjoying the luxuries I have.
Right now I have time. I have support. I have paint. I have love.
It is broken.
But I have it. so indulge, I will, and see what catastrophe awaits me.
and maybe, just maybe, it might be that None I may see
as I am putting together the pieces of me
...or maybe an eternity of
catastrophe?
but that is my luxury
so I'll let it be
silly little poetry

not a cat, not a masterpiece but a messy little catastrophe
just like me.

Dear Dr. Perri Cheri

Who am I?
You don’t know
I am your life’s work
That you gave up

Because you might love me?
Too much
I know who I am
But you do not
Don’t pretend to
You will break yourself.
Because you planted yourself in me
And left
The fire to attend to itself.