keeping my head above...

Very occasionally this blog gets read. I don't really know by who or why, But I will say it is just enough to keep me going at times.
I am struggling.
The only thing keeping me here, physically here, today is my kids.
 I don't want to screw them up
I don't want them to believe that they weren't enough.

and I don't really feel like writing anything else. Which is why I am. I don't think my feelings can be especially trusted right now. so I'll write and see what comes out
Sleep is my safe place.
and that is what I want to do again
I am mad at my family.
 I am hurt and I feel isolated and alone.
I feel like the more I try the worse I make things
I give up
too much
I try to numb with tv and stupid games on phones
Kids do that to
too much.
Control is an illusion
we have none.
And yet so very much
I think I'll go run now because that is at least something I can do that will help me in some way.
While it also breaks me apart at the knees.
Building bones while breaking me down.
But I learned, I think from my physical therapist, that hard core female athletes have the bones of 70 year olds because their bones are reabsorbing the calcium, but exercise and weight bearing exercises also build bones.
Balance can be so tricky.
good night again

Black holes and accountability

I feel angry with a lot of people today. I feel angry and hurt. I feel alone, even though I am not. I feel so many things and  I try to let myself feel them sometimes. Sometimes I try to avoid or ignore. Sometimes I try to distract and often I try to redirect.
I even try to numb occasionally. But it seems to me that numbing too often leads to some of the most unhealthy and destructive behaviors. Yet that statement includes a judgement and judging is bad, even though that label itself is also a judgement and down the rabbit hole of thinking I go.
Or is it a black hole?
Black holes are fascinating.
They are so powerful they suck everything in. They are literally pulling everything into themselves  turning them into absolutely nothing.
I think people who are truly "open minded" can turn into black holes. Open to everything, turning themselves into literally nothing.
But then again, we don't actually know what is on the other side of a black hole.
So away I go into my black hole.
Then I think it is time to sleep
again
too much sleeping
because that is a safe escape.
My safe place.
But something else I came here to mention, remember and process
My friend, who is a therapist, and works at a similar facility mentioned the kids he worked with complaining about him not trusting them. His story went something like this:
a kid will complain, "you don't even trust me" to which my friend (the therapist) will reply "of course I don't trust you. I don't even know if I can trust myself. I make mistakes too. And when I do you hold me accountable, which is what I am doing with you. So maybe that's what we do, hold each other accountable."
A "we are all in this together" kind of approach.
It's the gist of the conversation. Friend did a much better job at the story, but this is what I have to offer right now and my processing is slow and interrupted by my self pity and self deprecation I suppose...
still reinforced by the confirmations of abandonment from people who were supposed to be in this together with me.
I have to get over them
all of them.
But I am admittedly a bit stuck.
so redirect. attempt again. try to see the good in me.
Try to see what surrounds me. and try to find peace and beauty in every little moment.
try to believe I am worth my time.
Try to still have relationships and somehow figure out how to do that with out sabotaging. Without doing whatever it is I do to contribute to the reinforcing I suspect is always just around the corner.
Are somethings just too broken?
Not worth fixing
not worth holding accountable?
am I?
Judgement
time to stop
not productive
not helpful
good bye

A Void; the Treachery

Avoidance;
my treacherous friend
you lull me into a comfortable secure place
 but it is false
a lie.
I am not secure and you will come back to bite
harder and much more viciously
than if I had I faced the discomfort early on.

So avoidance
how do I avoid you?

-Assessing-:
Wisdom in waiting
letting it play out -Seeing how things play out
patience
ignoring bad behavior

Or is it the treacherous familiar friend Avoidance?

Ever analyzing
never sleeping
(not entirely true -though sometimes it feels that way.
and feelings are funny, because they can seem so real even though they are not always entirely true... or is it real?
Feelings, you funny fantastic fantasy...
that dictates so much of me)

the bottom

I am blogging from work.
a thorn in the side
of the girls who want a pecking order.

Low man on the totem pole, is holding you up
peck too hard and he'll let you go
you'll blame him for failing to hold you up
though it was you that chopped him out

Title

I'm tired of the tired and I'm tired of the headache
and I am losing hope that this may change.
Is this my new norm? Is this the fantasy?
Easy come easy go
Galileo Figuro
Nonsense
that is what I am thank you very much
and you are too.
This realm of the unknown that I post to
for no real reason
just to appease the voices in my head that are now telling me it would be wise to go to bed
Good night world
good night mystery of the internet
and me

My Boxing Boy

My son started boxing yesterday. He was excited to get to hit the bag today. He admitted that he'd imagine whom he referred to as "he who shall not be named" when he started getting tired and then he'd hit harder and "it felt good" he said. I asked who exactly that was. He said, "you know, the man who has caused our family so much pain recently." (Dr. Cheri)
I'm fighting back tears now. I am sad this is what he has become. The doctor of psychology who could have and should have been a name that represented healing and a new me discovered through the understanding of the old me that for years had been broken and re-broken by TBI. His name, I once thought, would be held in high regard by myself and my family... But the healing was disrupted by the blindside that led to the downslide and feelings confide that couldn't hide but then being denied to abide
with the system that is upside
down
... at least that little rhyming game was fun in my head as I hid the tears and let my kids express their anger and dislike. They don't want me to defend him or to blame myself. It's not me, they say, it's he, and the system.
They were supposed to help but instead they shut out and hurt, to protect themselves at my expense
which was not just my expense
but my kids' as well.
These two teens notice me and they value me.
That is what they need me to hear. That is what I need to respect ...so I don't defend. I listen and I fight the tears well this time, just for them.

Procrastinating the Passing of the Burden

Today, this song means a lot: "Tiny Victories" Christina Perri
but mostly
I'm procrastinating.
Why?
I think "wait to talk with knew neuropsychologist," "sitting with it"
Listening to others is wise and respectful. Especially when they have the professional experience, education and training.
...Yet, it's also why I'm in this psychological thriller of a mess.
Balance can be very difficult at times.
-My right leg is not very balanced still. I feel it when I try to balance on it for exercises at physical therapy. Apparently that is the peroneal tendon's main job, so it makes sense.-
Emotionally, am I balanced?
I am procrastinating, deviating and avoiding.
But it still wakes me up at night and makes me tearful and tired in the day.
It hurts my heart. Figuratively now, not physically, but it hurts enough to make me cry.
Why?
Because I love that guy
I'll be honest.
and also I love the guy who kisses me and tells me he loves me every morning before he goes to work. Even when I am still in bed. Even when I am still sleeping.
I love this man who I live with, that has neglected me plenty, but is here, when I need someone most. When I need love most. He is trying. More than he ever has.
Yet I procrastinate the final and complete severing of the fantasy of the other man, the one who loved me but used me, the one who couldn't be what I needed him to be, my neuropsychologist and therapist or, at very least, real and honest.
And I hurt for my husband, but I still procrastinate...
What I felt was so very real and powerful to me, and that part is fed by refusal to confront the reality of what it may have been: simply fantasy, a perfect storm, mistakes, and/or a manic and broken mind fed.
I do well with talking things out. I do well with honesty. I do not do well with coverups and I am maybe tired of sacrificing my needs to protect others. In this situation, I was not given a choice. At first it felt as though I was, but it was manipulation and their self preservation. I was not given a compromise. It was his way AND the highway.
You would think that would be enough, to kill what I feel, but it adds to me the confusion of pity for him and for me.
And it's effecting me, in all aspects, even though I don't let it, it still is.
I'm tied to this.
I say "this would be so much easier to forget and get over if I had no lingering TBI symptoms. If I didn't still need their medical experience and expertise." I say this because it is the sad truth and my reality ...that I wish to deny and avoid often.
It breaks my heart and I don't know who to turn to because they have been managing this for me, they are supposed to be the ones I can turn to for answers. They were supposed to be my safe place, my care.
Lost faith in the medical industry, faith that was already shaky at best, but I was at least willing to trust, those in power, those in authority. ...
God.
That is the only place left to turn
but He was talking to me in the midst of this, so now, what do I do with that?
It's a predicament to be in
and I am struggling to keep my head above water... I know this because the water is still bailing out through my eyes so regularly and so frequently.
And he, who may have caused this or at least abandoned me in this, he is immune.
And strangely that brings me some comfort. There can be comfort in that, if I really do care for him. I suppose that is okay.
But is it? If he is employed to be the cure?
Or am I sacrificing my needs for what I don't understand and for what may actually be hurting others as well? Cyclical thinking.
A trap.
And how do I get out now?
pass the burden on to those whose job it is to handle that.
...I see my husbands face kissing me in the morning. I hear the echo of his voice from months ago, sweetly and sincerely telling me he knows there might be someone better suited for me and he would love to see me have that... yet, as he sits with it for a moment, he follows his comment with "but I think I might be too selfish." He doesn't want to loose me. I am worth his time and investment.
And he is worth mine.
...And this realization may have been the very thing that broke my neuropsychologist. Maybe that is the basic truth to all of this.
So -full of gratitude and sorrow- I procrastinate the passing of this burden on to those whose job it is to decipher.