A manic has the super powers but lacks the discipline and often doesn't know how to control those superpowers.
A narcissist has no superpowers but has a lot of control and even self discipline. They often mistake that for superpowers.
What a nightmare of a pair
or Hancock style match.
a comedian
I am funny
as I try to illustrate the power of chemistry and connection so carelessly handled.
Friday, June 21, 2019
Thursday, June 20, 2019
/|\ /\ /|\ that feels about right \|/ Grow and go
and now somehow I need to get unstuck
avoiding phone calls and texts that I actually care about
of some significance.
trouble with my job and I'm not responding
things that are not trouble and I just don't care
I'm stuck a bit
time to unstick
and I'll write it out to get me out
of my very own head
Off to find some surface to paint out the rest of me. to let the colors git all mixed up and show me what I see/\
That little image came on its own so I'll let it.
Good day
time to play
avoiding phone calls and texts that I actually care about
of some significance.
trouble with my job and I'm not responding
things that are not trouble and I just don't care
I'm stuck a bit
time to unstick
and I'll write it out to get me out
of my very own head
Off to find some surface to paint out the rest of me. to let the colors git all mixed up and show me what I see/\
That little image came on its own so I'll let it.
Good day
time to play
In Bed
When I was trying to solve the mystery of my head you thought I was trying to solve the mystery of your bed (or you wanted me to)
A giant arrow, I've never seen before just confirmed the truth I hit on
am I going crazy
all gaslight up
so you can burn out?
you sent me back<
back to what I was
the better safer place for me?
not back. not here.
>>> but no future
a monster
behind the mask
"I'll fuck you up
if
you mess with me"
but he says in it his oh so nice way: "What we've had is a beautiful thing and I wouldn't want to fuck that up"
... said like that it feels like your fault
oh the mind trap
I'm here again for solving
...but that's just it
I was trying to solve what was in my head
not what was in his bed
A giant arrow, I've never seen before just confirmed the truth I hit on
am I going crazy
all gaslight up
so you can burn out?
you sent me back<
back to what I was
the better safer place for me?
not back. not here.
>>> but no future
a monster
behind the mask
"I'll fuck you up
if
you mess with me"
but he says in it his oh so nice way: "What we've had is a beautiful thing and I wouldn't want to fuck that up"
... said like that it feels like your fault
oh the mind trap
I'm here again for solving
...but that's just it
I was trying to solve what was in my head
not what was in his bed
Identity
I am not a sex crazed artist.
That’s just not me.
He tried to turn me into his Fantasy
And I need to turn him in.
Sometimes doing the right thing is so very difficult
My sister likes that my fire has returned. I am me again she says. But I also need to be aware of how I cut people off she says... from helping me.
To protect them from me?
This is too too much
He, A monster, she says, from the beginning...
I am not what he has made me out to be
I am walled and protected in my transparency.
I am glass
these walls are made of glass
These walls are made of me
Alone
I have faced so much and felt I was supposed to
why?
the layers of the onion
when I get to the center I will find nothing
so why keep peeling back the layers
that are making me cry
so very much
Broken
again
and
again
why?
a child
Please please let me be the adult
and release me from this fantasy
talk with me
I am not so scary
unless you want me to be
these walls are made of glass
and easily broken
please
help me understand
so I don't have to turn you in
for breaking the walls you were supposed to leave.
-your demolition crew got carried away and then walked away...
no more negative stigma from the team whose job it is to fight that
Please
whatever it needs to be
....writing just for me
already over 80
That’s just not me.
He tried to turn me into his Fantasy
And I need to turn him in.
Sometimes doing the right thing is so very difficult
My sister likes that my fire has returned. I am me again she says. But I also need to be aware of how I cut people off she says... from helping me.
To protect them from me?
This is too too much
He, A monster, she says, from the beginning...
I am not what he has made me out to be
I am walled and protected in my transparency.
I am glass
these walls are made of glass
These walls are made of me
Alone
I have faced so much and felt I was supposed to
why?
the layers of the onion
when I get to the center I will find nothing
so why keep peeling back the layers
that are making me cry
so very much
Broken
again
and
again
why?
a child
Please please let me be the adult
and release me from this fantasy
talk with me
I am not so scary
unless you want me to be
these walls are made of glass
and easily broken
please
help me understand
so I don't have to turn you in
for breaking the walls you were supposed to leave.
-your demolition crew got carried away and then walked away...
no more negative stigma from the team whose job it is to fight that
Please
whatever it needs to be
....writing just for me
already over 80
logic suggests
My logical, rational brain
Knows now, understands why people don't want to turn in what they know is not right, when they have been treated wrong.
They want to believe that they are special.
They irony, the double edged sword, maybe even the hypocrisy? is that if one does turn someone in and they really were "special," "the only one" they will forever feel that they have just betrayed that magical mystical fairytale fantasy of just "the one."
Is this the conspiracy of Hollywood, fairytales and Walt?
Is this the bigger bad I am struggling to understand?
He won't talk to me, and it is not to protect me, it is to protect himself. But his job was to help me and put my wellbeing first, he is obligated to legally and ethically, but I became his fairytale fantasy or another token in his collection of games. I am not a token and I do not belong on his proverbial shelf, waiting for his disposal, his next play.
Dr. Concussion, you too? part of the game. to tell me I'd be better served somewhere else and promise to help me find a new team only to abandon that because you can't find anyone yourself. You, the doctor in the industry can't find a fit for me? But somehow I am supposed to, when I have voiced this as my struggle and my concern, I have told you? You are the right place and the right fit from my own research. This makes no sense.
their is something pathological to this and it might not be me
Knows now, understands why people don't want to turn in what they know is not right, when they have been treated wrong.
They want to believe that they are special.
They irony, the double edged sword, maybe even the hypocrisy? is that if one does turn someone in and they really were "special," "the only one" they will forever feel that they have just betrayed that magical mystical fairytale fantasy of just "the one."
Is this the conspiracy of Hollywood, fairytales and Walt?
Is this the bigger bad I am struggling to understand?
He won't talk to me, and it is not to protect me, it is to protect himself. But his job was to help me and put my wellbeing first, he is obligated to legally and ethically, but I became his fairytale fantasy or another token in his collection of games. I am not a token and I do not belong on his proverbial shelf, waiting for his disposal, his next play.
Dr. Concussion, you too? part of the game. to tell me I'd be better served somewhere else and promise to help me find a new team only to abandon that because you can't find anyone yourself. You, the doctor in the industry can't find a fit for me? But somehow I am supposed to, when I have voiced this as my struggle and my concern, I have told you? You are the right place and the right fit from my own research. This makes no sense.
their is something pathological to this and it might not be me
Wednesday, June 19, 2019
Masks
Hoping to be noticed
Not wanting to be seen
or
Hoping to be seen
without being noticed
What kind of masks do you have in your invisible wardrobe?
Countertransference
Feeling your own pain
Is confusing your brain
Not wanting to be seen
or
Hoping to be seen
without being noticed
What kind of masks do you have in your invisible wardrobe?
Countertransference
Feeling your own pain
Is confusing your brain
Tuesday, June 18, 2019
3:23am
I am so tired
I am so tired of this.
Waking and not being able to go back to sleep because my brain is trying to solve more mysteries of the games the people of IHC Neuroscience Institute are playing with me.
They will do nothing, absolutely nothing to: resolve the issues, follow through on the treatment I have and still am paying for and/or apologize, accept any responsibility for or admit their making any mistakes (other then Office Director's abuses which include yelling at me in front of my kids). To be clear initially I was asking that the Neuropsychologist, (referred to on this blog as Dr. Perri Cheri), explain his diagnosis and prognosis, I was trying to explain that he missed something that was going on with me that I was trying to understand and figure out. I was trying to understand why I reacted the way I had, even why he dropped me when, or maybe just why, these memories (the ones they are now claiming to be "prior undisclosed" and "behavioral mental health" issues) were flooding back when they were.
I wanted to understand what was going on with my head, why and what to do about it and I knew Dr. Cheri would know better than anyone because of what we had been working on in therapy and what had transpired in regards to conversations on transference and counter-transference. I recognized he made some mistakes and I understood why I could no longer be his patient yet in trying to move and trying to understand what was going on with my brain I really needed to understand what I knew he would likely be able to explain easily
...but alas he has avoided with tenacity and affront having any conversation with me. I have asked for a conversation with he and concussion Dr. or he and anyone else present but they will not allow it. this makes no sense to me. They claim I threatened him. The only threat would have been my saying I didn't want to but if that is what I had to do I would do it and that was in response to him saying I would need to file a complaint with his superiors because he was not willing to talk to me and he would not respond to my email asking for clarification and would not in the future. It was his way of reaffirming he would no longer have anything to do with me. It was also his way of covering his legal ass.
The problem with that is, he only needed to cover his legal ass if he had done something terribly wrong or if he was planning for the future and intended to rigidly follow the 2 year no contact letter of his law.
Now at this point in conversation is when I tend to loss people because either a. I am struggling to articulate to my level of intelligence (it's definitely one of the more frustrating TBI long term side-effects)...
Or b. I’m confused myself and this situation is so very complex...
I am so tired of this.
Waking and not being able to go back to sleep because my brain is trying to solve more mysteries of the games the people of IHC Neuroscience Institute are playing with me.
They will do nothing, absolutely nothing to: resolve the issues, follow through on the treatment I have and still am paying for and/or apologize, accept any responsibility for or admit their making any mistakes (other then Office Director's abuses which include yelling at me in front of my kids). To be clear initially I was asking that the Neuropsychologist, (referred to on this blog as Dr. Perri Cheri), explain his diagnosis and prognosis, I was trying to explain that he missed something that was going on with me that I was trying to understand and figure out. I was trying to understand why I reacted the way I had, even why he dropped me when, or maybe just why, these memories (the ones they are now claiming to be "prior undisclosed" and "behavioral mental health" issues) were flooding back when they were.
I wanted to understand what was going on with my head, why and what to do about it and I knew Dr. Cheri would know better than anyone because of what we had been working on in therapy and what had transpired in regards to conversations on transference and counter-transference. I recognized he made some mistakes and I understood why I could no longer be his patient yet in trying to move and trying to understand what was going on with my brain I really needed to understand what I knew he would likely be able to explain easily
...but alas he has avoided with tenacity and affront having any conversation with me. I have asked for a conversation with he and concussion Dr. or he and anyone else present but they will not allow it. this makes no sense to me. They claim I threatened him. The only threat would have been my saying I didn't want to but if that is what I had to do I would do it and that was in response to him saying I would need to file a complaint with his superiors because he was not willing to talk to me and he would not respond to my email asking for clarification and would not in the future. It was his way of reaffirming he would no longer have anything to do with me. It was also his way of covering his legal ass.
The problem with that is, he only needed to cover his legal ass if he had done something terribly wrong or if he was planning for the future and intended to rigidly follow the 2 year no contact letter of his law.
Now at this point in conversation is when I tend to loss people because either a. I am struggling to articulate to my level of intelligence (it's definitely one of the more frustrating TBI long term side-effects)...
Or b. I’m confused myself and this situation is so very complex...
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