I mean to write more on this thing more often then I do anymore. Honestly lately I lack the motivation and desire, mostly because I do feel so normal. But I am being a bit of a bum right now getting sidetracked by the computer so I might as well write something right?

Though I know that I am really truly not normal and never will be (I say this with presumptious sarcasm because I know there is really no such thing as normal anyway) I must say I rather like feeling so "normal."

I like that I am stable. I am curious about my "lack of spirituality" but I am glad to not be floating so far off into outerspace and sinking down into the depths of hell as well.
Really I am rather boring any more and yet I am totally ok with that.
The other day I awoke to the slight feeling of darkness that I used to know so well. Then didn't realize how crappy it really was. It was slight and likely due to a few days of not going to bed when I should have and some of the stresses that are not ussual daily stresses.

It was a good reminder.

I visited my parents and the room that my brother died in recently.
It was hard.
It is hard to think about my brother and how he died. In my current mental state I have less comfort about what happened. I forget that I understand how and what can happen so easily. That little shadow of darkness helped me remember.
I know that what if's and I wish I had's accomplish nothing... Uneless you do something that may be able to help someone else suffering somewhere else with or from something similar. For that I really really wish that I could have somehow let my brother know how bad it was and how good it really could be. How some of those feelings and darknesses that we accept as part of who we, are and often attempt to self medicate in so many other ways, really are something else that we really don't have to tolerate or suffer through. I wish he could see, feel and know how much better, happier and so much easier life could be...

... it is sad to know that I can't.
It was heartbreaking to read his diary and see how much he really was suffering. To see the signs that now, knowing what I know, would seem so very obvious.
It had been such a long time that he struggled that he could not seperate it from who he was. Our lack of understanding and acceptance of mental disoders and illness's really did cost him his life in so many ways, more then just the physical end. He was not a depressed person but he did have depression and battled it tenaciously. And his pendulum would swing, whether that was due to a very strong solder who was fighting just depression or if it was something altogether different who really knows but he did fight the lows and he did still find ways to enjoy life and he most certianly had highs. He also had ruminating, possibly obsessive, thought patterns that were very obvious as well. But he tried so hard to be all that he could be and yet in the end he had no idea how bad his own illness/disorder was even though he was aware of it. He had no idea how bad it was becasue he had never come completely out of it. He had not had the opportunity to experience what I am now enjoying. He never got to completely loose touch with that suicidal default and realize how foriegn and strange such a mental state of being really is.

what more can I say?...

identity

Everyday, before I really start my day I take a pill. Every night before I go to bed I take another (different) pill.
Sometimes I am unsure if this is really who I am "supposed" to be or who I am. I have to look back and remember who I "was" and then I am mostly OK with it again.
I have lost some intensity. I care a lot less about many things. I have gotten lazy in many ways and my brain seems slow and more forgetful... But then again...

Yesterday a friend told me that I think creatively. That I seem to look at things at all angles and I can analyze things form inside and outside of the box. I told her that I felt like I was losing that. But the consensus was that though it has in fact lessened (the depth, frequency, and intensity of my thinking and analytical skills) she reassured me that I still think "creatively."
To me it is nice to hear people say "I never thought of it that way." Especially if it is ended with a "thank you."

Not what I thought I would write today but sometimes our lives, our hands and our minds take us places we did not intend to go and sometimes that is OK.

oh the places we will go

I feel inclined to write often. I intend to write on very good days, but that rarely seems to happen. It seems that I manage to make time and make it a priority on the not so happy days anymore...

So I suppose it goes without saying that I am not so up today (but I'll say it anyway).

I am over all fine and happy enough most of the time. I am glad to have rather steady and much more consistent moods and personalities (yes, that is meant to be plural). But sometimes I wonder and sometimes I am not sure if this (my metal state) is where I am meant to be. Sometimes I feel anxiety sneaking in, trying to reestablish it's regular presence. Sometimes I miss the more intense ups in their various forms. Sometimes I am not sure if "this is normal" or do I need to up a dose before my brain gets too far ahead of me.

Over all I am glad. I think it very likely that my shorter hours spent sleeping and the way that I have been able to safely let my guard down in so many ways is starting to catch up as I may have let it down a bit too much (as it so often goes), but only a bit . I suppose things are always going to be a bit more complicated. But then again I think the psychology of every individual is very complicated and in that I am no different. I must say that, if anything, I am lucky to be so aware of mine and how to handle myself realizing my weaknesses and knowing the boundaries and when I am getting to close. I think in many ways I am probably ahead of the game. Maybe I am overly confident but I have had a lot of practice...
Yet, then again, who knows what age has in store for me.

Life is always an adventure. One Grand Adventure

and I intend to enjoy.

here today, gone tomorrow

I feel like writing, though it has been awhile and likely nobody reads this anymore anyway. that is the beauty of this world wide web, you can write to your hearts content, pretending there is someone out there listening, and hoping that maybe just maybe you will make a difference somewhere to somebody...
What a great outlet we have in the Internet. See I feel better already.

I have been thinking as well as not thinking and at times trying not to think. Anxiety is creeping back in. It may be that I am a bit tired. It is nice that I can stay up much later and not crash (or explode) multiple times the next day... but then maybe that is how it sneaks up on one. Hypersensitive at least keeps things from sneaking.

I am feeling rather hollow...
I think about my brother everyday. I went for awhile with out. There was a bit of time where when I did think about him I believed he was fine and when I would remember that he had died I was sure it was just a weird dream. It wasn't real and I liked it that way... Until I'd see the plants in the living room and the few little things that I have out, like the little framed picture my other brother gave each of us of him (deceased brother) as a boy on one of our family camping trips in a dry field holding matches (that was (name with held)him) and then it has to be real. Though I still really didn't believe, sometimes certain the plants had come from somewhere else. When I found the picture and poems that were a tribute to him for his funeral that is when I lost it. I put that out. I suppose I should live in the "real world" and remember what really happened. But I don't want to.
It bothers me.
Once a doctor said something about religion/my beliefs keeping me alive (instead of actually killing myself when that was really the only thing that made any sense at all). He said something about others of the similar backgrounds claiming that. But I am bit different (the Dr. has also told me that) and truth be known I believe it is said religious convictions that contribute as much as the detract from the desire to die. Sometimes religion bothers me. I see the need and understand and all that, I even agree with much, but lately I am tired of feeling like we live only to die.
I am tired of everything being about an afterlife. I am tired of feeling like I have to do and be so much more then I am.
I wonder if my brother ever felt any of these things. I wonder how much feelings of, being a failure and/or wanting to be done with it because we are merely living to die anyway and since he knew he was so far from "perfect" then what is the point and he felt done, contributed to his current condition.
I am not done. I am just tired of living to die.
I am mad that my brother shot himself in the head.
I am annoyed that I take drugs everyday just to feel like this and yet not taking them is so much more annoying or at least difficult.
I want to run away to my warm sunny beaches with mountains behind me and forget about everything and everyone...

well I suppose I feel a bit better now pretending that my voice and heart might be heard.
good night sweet Internet world.

Oprah and Bull@#%*

E-mail to friend turned therapy blog entry:

I read an article in Newsweek about Oprah. The title was something to the effect that "Oprah may not be so good for your health." I really liked it and was impressed that any one in the media would dare breath even a remotely ill word against the omnipotent Oprah. The article was basically about how all things on Oprah are not always completely accurate. They hit on the "Secret" crap she has pushed and endorsed and it was refreshing to hear that others out there realize that just because Oprah says it does not make it gospel and just because someone successful can market an idea does not make it true. I wish that we really could be and have whatever we want just by vibrating positive thoughts but unfortunately it just doesn't always work that way, no matter how hard you believe and practice and all the bull... I get annoyed any more at having that type of "conviction" shoved down my throat and held over my head telling me that all negatives in my life are a result of my lack of putting out positive thoughts, beliefs and energy. It is just the re-packaged idea that "you only have problems because you are a sinner" or "you lack faith." And if that be true then I suppose I really am just a pathetic sinner of a thing. But it is also quite possible that these ideas, when taken too seriously or held onto with extreme conviction can result in some interesting sanity issues for some of us...

I totally just broke into a "write for therapy" session. I think it is the relief that you are well coupled with my Oprah experience of the day that led me down the path to express and confront the feelings and idea that I think it bullshit that we are completely responsible for all the troubles ourselves and/or families may have. That and I still hate to take medication. It is always very tempting for me to think "all I need to do is think more positive." when the reality is that was kind of a huge part of the problem, thinking that I could think myself out of "it." Though I really believe in energy work and the power of positive thinking and so many more things all I can say is; can't we be realistic about it people? seriously.

and that is all I have to say about that.

PS, two and a half plus months and counting on what has seemed to hold as an even kill.
mood stabilizer appears to be helping.

out with old in with the new... over and over and over and over... again

Though December was OK, I think, once again, I thought I was doing better then I really was... though no shrimp in the closest. definitely on the high side of moods.

Christmas snuck up on me and was hard.

I found myself abandoning my in-laws a few times (in the three days we were there) just to wonder into the red rock.

Christmas day was melancholy for me. I went to find batteries and just couldn't head directly back and found myself driving aimlessly in the direction of the most uninhabited red rocks in the vicinity. I found a beautiful area with a canyon that was just a bit of a walk from the road. I had to hop a fence to get there. I tore my pants going between the barbed wire, then headed to to the hills...

I stayed for what ended up being a few hours. I found a nice little secluded canyon where I stayed talking to people who weren't there, God and Jason, the mountain and myself... I didn't feel that anyone but the mountain was around to listen. I felt as if Jason was aware of me but not close... it was OK though. Sometimes we need alone time.

I found a beautiful picturesque piece of sandstone with rough circles of different beautiful colors. Though I knew this was it's home it seemed so overlooked and unappreciated in it's surroundings so I accepted it as a gift from the mountains and/or higher powers.

I struggled. feeling flat, dull and boring for a couple of weeks. Realizing that I have been floating off into outer space and embarrassing myself many many times this past year.

I started having dreams about my decieced brother that were vague and distant (though it is still always nice to see him).

In one dream, probably the only one that I remember any detail about, he was alive. It was the past, before he had gone. We (his family) were all unsure what to do, what we could say, how we could stop what we knew was coming and yet hoping that by not mentioning it we could somehow do something to change the outcome... It was heartbreaking.



Since then I feel like I have finally woken up (though that has been much longer then just the past year). I feel grounded. It is nice to feel like I am part of the world and not like I am watching life and the world from the other side of the glass.
I am on a mood stabilizer now and it has just been within the last few weeks that I have increased to an amount that would make any significant difference. I hope that this will help me stay grounded a little... no, a lot, better.
Though it was filled with many grand adventures, I am glad that the past year is over. I am not a hundred percent sure where I am at in the grieving process, maybe a bit in denial, or maybe I am just accepting of it/about it. I am really not sure... Either way, they can both be productive coping strategies. I am sad, I might be a tad angry, and it is bizarre, but I am done with living to die. I am ready to live to live. I don't want to be worried all the time about how fragile life is and consumed with thoughts of the after life and what it may look like. I want to live today for today, for myself and whom ever may cross my path that day. I want to live for the adventures and enjoy all of them, big or small.

I hope that I may stay here a while... though one really can not know where life will take them...

And though I have likely been here before it all seems new... I suppose that is a bonus, it keeps life interesting if the same old things always seem new.

Cosmic Realms

Here's the thing...
Sometimes I float off into outer space
(you might call me a space cadet)
and when I return back to earth I am often embarrassed...
I have been going back and forth for awhile now...
Sometimes I am not sure who is feeding whose insanity.
I hope that people will not take this personally,
what ever that may mean.

I am finding the ground again.
I hope I will stay here awhile.

I am tired of living to die.
I am alive,
and that is where I want to be,
in the here and now.