Sleep deprived? Definitely. Though at the moment, aside from the occasional yawn, I am not feeling it.
I opted to sleep in the extra bedroom so as not to keep my husband up, especially since he went to bed not feeling too well. He thought he was just overly tired. However, not sleeping myself, I could hear him across the hall not sleeping well at all. I decided to head to my bed knowing that I often sleep better when he is by my side. He had been sick. He is sick now.
He is hot and cold, sweating while cold to touch, tossing and turning and he has now had to escape to the bathroom 3 times to wretch his insides out.
It is very unpleasant for him and I hate that I am powerless.
As I listen to him hurling in the bathroom I am reminded of when I had my daughter. I remember how I only puked three days; the day when I found out I was pregnant, the day I found out she was a girl and the day I had her. All three for various reasons that were probably not so much morning sickness. In fact the day I had her it was because I had been induced with an induction that was too hard and too fast. I had been induced after having labor stopped about 2 weeks prior, because she was too small.
And the story is very fascinating really, as my stories so often are. For example, I didn't know I was in labor, couldn't feel the contractions until after they had medicated me to stop them. It was only caught because I was measuring too small, too small despite the fact that I had gained about twice what is considered "healthy pregnancy weight gain," but it was okay because my almost 5'7" athletic frame started the pregnancy at about 103 lbs. Induced because her heart rate dropped while being monitored, it turned out her umbilical cord was too short, and yet she still scored a perfect 10 on the Apgar. The first or one of very few the midwife had ever given. She was shocked considering. So basically after my daughter had the heart stopping thrill of bungee-ing out of me she scored a 10 on the Apgar. That's just how we role in this family.
Those are just a touch of the peculiarities of my pregnancy I was reminded of as I am listen to my poor husband puking his guts out the way I did 6 times that first night I found out I was pregnant when he was out of town. And as I think of this and my mind then wanders on to so many details of our life together, our children, etc, I am struck by just how little we ever get to share or know of the back stories that are so very influential to our lives.
Back stories; we know so little of each other.
And another story I want to share, as I am attempting to achieve that sleep deprived feeling -but I think it best to post is as it's own post.
Which may make these posts appear to be evolving into magnificent mania and surely this is mimicking the start, but so far I am not feeling the push back or high feelings so hopefully after EEG is completed and the systems are medicated again we will not cross over. (we being all of the me's ... and I am reminded of: "but my personality is still changing too much" I pleaded the day he dropped me unexpectedly).
Monday, December 23, 2019
Bright eyed and bushy tailed ...at 3am
Sleep deprived
I will definitely be that.
My daughter is who I am having come with
to be sure I can safely make the long drive (she is a driver now so she can take over if I can not)
and be the extra set of ears.
She loves biology and is thinking about going into medicine.
Seemed like an okay choice
But I am not sleeping.
I have a bit
-a bit-
but my whole right leg is hurting
since physical therapy on Friday
that triggered a pretty severe pain in the appendix region... that still hurts
and my right leg feels week and sore.
my back
the part that has the bulging disc has been acting up
and it is a bit sore but not like the appendix region
maybe it is appendicitis ?
I am tired. I feel even a bit nauseous
is it appendicitis or is it tired?
my brain is bothered
it seems like he knew stuff about this and the possible tie to head injury
He who broke me and worried only about saving himself?
Why head, why?
The repeat starts
of words and phrases, feelings and figurings...
What was real? what was perceived?
But I know, as I have a million times, but wanted to deny to myself and everyone,
that he had played with me... when he should not have.
Grooming of some form or another
the fire he played in and then tried to let die...
Intentional? Accidental?
Was I the first or the last in a long line of many? Somewhere in between?
He played
"don't try to solve this"
"I told you not to try and solve this"
"I have tested your brain in ways you don't even know"
"What we have had is a beautiful thing and I would not want to fuck that up"
"I don't need more friends"
"I meant everything that I said"
.... repeats
that started right away
-my fight or flight-
the natural reaction to a threat
...a threat
punished for loving
the threat?
and I am
so delicately balanced.
my whole right leg is weak
Maybe I should text my dad. he rises early. he could take me
my children should not have to shoulder this burden
this burden that I am
but my dad...
My family
they do not understand and they do not want to.
they want to maintain there illusions that doctors are...
godlike?
Dr She, literally my hero, because without her intervention... I can't say where I would be
...faded and fading when I got to her.
Dr. She is not a fan of Dr. He
I understand why now.
At first when I went to her I still loved him in a silly childish and manic fed way. I still held onto what I wanted to believe: that he meant no harm, he made mistakes, and if only I could clarify and fix my mistakes he would come to his senses and fix, or -at very least- play fair.
Dr. She does not care about his motives they way I do. She cares about how it has effected me. Dr. She may or may not think I am worth standing up for and fighting for, but she does her job and feels responsibility for my safety and wellbeing... she says he is an idiot and at best was negligent at worst was malicious.
Dr. She wants me to be able to look back on Dr. He and roll my eyes.
She lets me talk about him still, when I need to, because I am making progress in processing and handling the trauma
and I am being responsible.
Talking to her is not "governing myself accordingly" based on the commands of the Institute's lawyer, because they do not want me talking to his colleagues.
Their demands and commands are not right. They are unjust and unconstitutional and their accusations false.
Delicately balanced it is
Reckless endangerment.
Viktor Frankl is who I become now
Not literally, but figuratively
or rather like him
in that to survive this incredibly delicate balancing act
-of psychology, really-
I observe myself and my psychology with the mind of a scientist.
a slight form of detachment probably
when I am so very attached
and I remember that earlier today
I like me even if others do not
and I have people that are supportive and that are looking out for me in their own playing-it-safe kind of ways.
I am loved and I am appreciated
...even if, at times, it is only by myself and God.
I like me
because I am tenacious
and forgiving
I try
I make mistakes
I take responsibility for my mistakes
I love
I play
I find and make adventures
I have met some of the most amazing and incredible people and I am so very lucky to have and to have had the acquaintances I have.
Life is a beautiful thing
and I love it and appreciate it
even when I don't -a place that I am so grateful I am no longer in.
So delicate balance for a day.
might make a mess of the holidays
but I'll recover
and find my adventures again.
...now
I sure hope that I will at least feel as sleep deprived as I will be at 10am
Goodnight again
... though I doubt I'll sleep
I am WIDE awake
hopefully ibuprofen will relax things enough..
ha
literally the lol variety-
a ha-ol
... big yawn as I proof read
-this is hope :)
goodnight
I will definitely be that.
My daughter is who I am having come with
to be sure I can safely make the long drive (she is a driver now so she can take over if I can not)
and be the extra set of ears.
She loves biology and is thinking about going into medicine.
Seemed like an okay choice
But I am not sleeping.
I have a bit
-a bit-
but my whole right leg is hurting
since physical therapy on Friday
that triggered a pretty severe pain in the appendix region... that still hurts
and my right leg feels week and sore.
my back
the part that has the bulging disc has been acting up
and it is a bit sore but not like the appendix region
maybe it is appendicitis ?
I am tired. I feel even a bit nauseous
is it appendicitis or is it tired?
my brain is bothered
it seems like he knew stuff about this and the possible tie to head injury
He who broke me and worried only about saving himself?
Why head, why?
The repeat starts
of words and phrases, feelings and figurings...
What was real? what was perceived?
But I know, as I have a million times, but wanted to deny to myself and everyone,
that he had played with me... when he should not have.
Grooming of some form or another
the fire he played in and then tried to let die...
Intentional? Accidental?
Was I the first or the last in a long line of many? Somewhere in between?
He played
"don't try to solve this"
"I told you not to try and solve this"
"I have tested your brain in ways you don't even know"
"What we have had is a beautiful thing and I would not want to fuck that up"
"I don't need more friends"
"I meant everything that I said"
.... repeats
that started right away
-my fight or flight-
the natural reaction to a threat
...a threat
punished for loving
the threat?
and I am
so delicately balanced.
my whole right leg is weak
Maybe I should text my dad. he rises early. he could take me
my children should not have to shoulder this burden
this burden that I am
but my dad...
My family
they do not understand and they do not want to.
they want to maintain there illusions that doctors are...
godlike?
Dr She, literally my hero, because without her intervention... I can't say where I would be
...faded and fading when I got to her.
Dr. She is not a fan of Dr. He
I understand why now.
At first when I went to her I still loved him in a silly childish and manic fed way. I still held onto what I wanted to believe: that he meant no harm, he made mistakes, and if only I could clarify and fix my mistakes he would come to his senses and fix, or -at very least- play fair.
Dr. She does not care about his motives they way I do. She cares about how it has effected me. Dr. She may or may not think I am worth standing up for and fighting for, but she does her job and feels responsibility for my safety and wellbeing... she says he is an idiot and at best was negligent at worst was malicious.
Dr. She wants me to be able to look back on Dr. He and roll my eyes.
She lets me talk about him still, when I need to, because I am making progress in processing and handling the trauma
and I am being responsible.
Talking to her is not "governing myself accordingly" based on the commands of the Institute's lawyer, because they do not want me talking to his colleagues.
Their demands and commands are not right. They are unjust and unconstitutional and their accusations false.
Delicately balanced it is
Reckless endangerment.
Viktor Frankl is who I become now
Not literally, but figuratively
or rather like him
in that to survive this incredibly delicate balancing act
-of psychology, really-
I observe myself and my psychology with the mind of a scientist.
a slight form of detachment probably
when I am so very attached
and I remember that earlier today
I like me even if others do not
and I have people that are supportive and that are looking out for me in their own playing-it-safe kind of ways.
I am loved and I am appreciated
...even if, at times, it is only by myself and God.
I like me
because I am tenacious
and forgiving
I try
I make mistakes
I take responsibility for my mistakes
I love
I play
I find and make adventures
I have met some of the most amazing and incredible people and I am so very lucky to have and to have had the acquaintances I have.
Life is a beautiful thing
and I love it and appreciate it
even when I don't -a place that I am so grateful I am no longer in.
So delicate balance for a day.
might make a mess of the holidays
but I'll recover
and find my adventures again.
...now
I sure hope that I will at least feel as sleep deprived as I will be at 10am
Goodnight again
... though I doubt I'll sleep
I am WIDE awake
hopefully ibuprofen will relax things enough..
ha
literally the lol variety-
a ha-ol
... big yawn as I proof read
-this is hope :)
goodnight
Sleep deprived, EEG, what adventure shall we see?? ...what me will I be?
Since I now have medical providers that actually give a shit and listen I go in for an EEG tomorrow. The neurologist, Dr. Odd, that I finally got into wants to see if he can find anything that would explain the tremors. The tremors that Concussion doctor ignored... or rather suggested I see a neurologist for but did not refer, ultimately claiming I should have the wrist orthopedic surgeon who first suggested it refer. I bring this up again because it was an inappropriate way for the Concussion doctor who had asked to be my primary care for anything car accident related and head injury related. I bring this up again because it annoys the hell out of me how some people I know and the Neuroscience Institute want to blow me off and brush me off and act like it was: a. that I did and/or are doing something wrong and/or b: I find myself having to defend myself to people who don't want to take the time to think about or understand what happened and why it is a big deal.
...I think I am not so bitter until I start to write, than I realize I am and I am also very angry. But you would not know this in observing my everydayness. You would not know this because I continually choose not to be, and so I am mostly not. However, there is obviously some deep resentment, because it sure comes out here.
So back on track
I have an EEG tomorrow morning at 10:00am and I am supposed to arrive sleep deprived. The instructions are very specific in their instructions to "go to bed and midnight and get up at 4:00am."
.... meds?
that was my question for Dr. Odd after the office lady went over the sheet of instructions with me.
I know if I take my new meds at the regular scheduled time I will not be able to stay awake until midnight. If I take them later then I will have an extremely difficult time getting up in the morning... I'll have an extremely difficult time getting up at 4 am if I take the new meds at all...
So, what do I do?
They kind of left it up to me.
Maybe don't take the meds.. I think that may have been the suggestion.
... that is what I have opted for so far.
And
This has made me nervous.
I find myself being extra busy tonight and even extra productive.
I think I am much more nervous about this idea of messing with meds much more than I care to admit to myself.
I am only slightly tired and, as you can see, it is after midnight.
...and when I say slightly tired that might be an exaggeration.
I am kind of scared as hell at the moment.
I have been so much enjoying the levelness I have been experiencing on medication and the recent upping has been working out very well. I still am a bit triggered as evidenced in my last post but I recover quickly and am even gaining some confidence in myself, starting to care less about the people who want to blame and shame and don't want to understand. I am able to be my happy self with out the overly chemically too high feelings. I still have some residual mental messes to undue from too many months of fantasy feeding by the forbidders that made me taboo (as manifested in my initial digression in this post) but I am managing that much better and progress is now real.
So I am leery and nervous. I am not sure how best to handle and medicate.
I am curious too.
So my plan is, don't take the meds tonight (or rather last night since tomorrow is now today) so that I will not fall asleep too soon and so I will be able to wake up early enough. That way I will certainly be sleep deprived... except that I have noticed that with out the meds I don't really feel tired and considering the sleep chaos of this last year that started with the denied mania of November of last year, I feel very nervous about this lack of tiredness without medication. And honestly, I am scared. I am scared I might undue the stability, I might mess up a good thing with how the mood stabilizing medication has been working...
But alas, writing it out is assisting in some fatigue so I will retire to bed now to stay as close to the prescribed directions as I can. ... I'll even wait to edit until tomorrow.
It will be very interesting to see how this adventure plays out.
Good night.
...I think I am not so bitter until I start to write, than I realize I am and I am also very angry. But you would not know this in observing my everydayness. You would not know this because I continually choose not to be, and so I am mostly not. However, there is obviously some deep resentment, because it sure comes out here.
So back on track
I have an EEG tomorrow morning at 10:00am and I am supposed to arrive sleep deprived. The instructions are very specific in their instructions to "go to bed and midnight and get up at 4:00am."
.... meds?
that was my question for Dr. Odd after the office lady went over the sheet of instructions with me.
I know if I take my new meds at the regular scheduled time I will not be able to stay awake until midnight. If I take them later then I will have an extremely difficult time getting up in the morning... I'll have an extremely difficult time getting up at 4 am if I take the new meds at all...
So, what do I do?
They kind of left it up to me.
Maybe don't take the meds.. I think that may have been the suggestion.
... that is what I have opted for so far.
And
This has made me nervous.
I find myself being extra busy tonight and even extra productive.
I think I am much more nervous about this idea of messing with meds much more than I care to admit to myself.
I am only slightly tired and, as you can see, it is after midnight.
...and when I say slightly tired that might be an exaggeration.
I am kind of scared as hell at the moment.
I have been so much enjoying the levelness I have been experiencing on medication and the recent upping has been working out very well. I still am a bit triggered as evidenced in my last post but I recover quickly and am even gaining some confidence in myself, starting to care less about the people who want to blame and shame and don't want to understand. I am able to be my happy self with out the overly chemically too high feelings. I still have some residual mental messes to undue from too many months of fantasy feeding by the forbidders that made me taboo (as manifested in my initial digression in this post) but I am managing that much better and progress is now real.
So I am leery and nervous. I am not sure how best to handle and medicate.
I am curious too.
So my plan is, don't take the meds tonight (or rather last night since tomorrow is now today) so that I will not fall asleep too soon and so I will be able to wake up early enough. That way I will certainly be sleep deprived... except that I have noticed that with out the meds I don't really feel tired and considering the sleep chaos of this last year that started with the denied mania of November of last year, I feel very nervous about this lack of tiredness without medication. And honestly, I am scared. I am scared I might undue the stability, I might mess up a good thing with how the mood stabilizing medication has been working...
But alas, writing it out is assisting in some fatigue so I will retire to bed now to stay as close to the prescribed directions as I can. ... I'll even wait to edit until tomorrow.
It will be very interesting to see how this adventure plays out.
Good night.
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